As a little kid, I used to watch Electric Company every day — PBS aired it in a block with Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers. I remember a lot of the skits and punchlines from the show, and of course Morgan Freeman as Easy Reader, but the segment that I recall the most vividly is the sweet rolls segment. Anyone else remember that one? Basically, a guy in a diner orders coffee and a sweet roll, and the waitress tells him they’re out of sweet rolls, so the guy asks for orange juice and a sweet roll instead, and the waitress repeats patiently that they’re out of sweet rolls, so the guy asks for tea and a sweet roll, and the waitress is like, dude — out of sweet rolls over here, so the guy asks for milk and a sweet roll, and it just goes on and on and on like that, the guy ordering every possible beverage and a sweet roll and the waitress informing him at increasing levels of volume that they are out of sweet rolls, until finally the guy shrugs, “Okay, then I’ll…just have a sweet roll,” and the waitress runs out of the room, shrieking in despair.

In the last two weeks, I have shouted “WE ARE OUT OF SWEET ROLLS” in the direction of eBay no fewer than 17,418 times. (Seriously. Around about the three hundredth time, I started using one of those little crowd-counter clicker doodads so I wouldn’t lose track.)

What is wrong with people? No, sincerely — I’d like to know. I’d like to know how many times your mother has to not just drop you on your head as an infant but fire you onto your head out of a cannon before statements like “I only ship within the U.S.” become hopelessly vague and unclear, inspiring you to abuse the “ask the seller a question” function by peppering me with queries that I have already answered right there in the item description.

Juuuust to review: I only ship within the U.S.

“What about Canada?”

What about Canada?

“Well, if you only ship within the continental U.S., and technically Canada is on the same continent as –”

No no no, see, I ship anywhere in the U.S., but here’s the thing. Canada? Not in the U.S. Not a state. I checked, and hey, what do you know — it’s a country. Also, you can tell I don’t ship to Canada, because if I did ship to Canada, I would have checked off the box that says I ship to Canada. Which I didn’t. Because I don’t.

“Oh. You know, a lot of people mean to check off that box, and they forget, so I thought maybe you, like, forgot to check it off and you would actually ship to Canada, because you forgot. To check it off. The box, I mean. So…did you? Forget? To check it off?”

…No.

“So what have you got against Canada?”

Well, lady, I didn’t “have” anything “against Canada” until you, a Canadian, evinced a total inability to read simple instructions and believe that they applied to her. Now I’ve got something against Canada. Namely…you. Furthermore, we are out of sweet rolls.

“Hi. I had a question about your auction.”

…Yes?

“Well, I live in England.”

…Yes?

“And I was wondering if you would ship there. To England. Where I live.”

Hold on a minute here, let me just check something…no, just as I suspected, England is not a state. So, no, I won’t ship there.

“But I’m American! I just live in England!”

The shipping isn’t based on citizenship. It’s based on, you know, where you actually live. You actually live in England, which is a country, versus New England, which you may have confused it with, and which is a region, in the U.S., where I do ship, as opposed to other countries. Like England.

“But I already bid on it! Now what am I supposed to do?”

I don’t know, sir — go out for fish and chips? Fix yourself a spot of tea? Buy a world atlas? Kill yourself? You live IN ENGLAND! And we are out! Of! Sweet rolls!

“I have a question for the seller, when you say shipping is included, do you mean included, or is it not extra?”

It means that the price of shipping is included in your total.

“No, I know, I just meant do I pay more than the total.”

…No.

“Oh, because I live in Canada, and I figured you would charge extra for –”

I…don’t ship outside the U.S.

“Not even to Canada?”

Canada. Is. Not. A. State.

“Well, you don’t have to be a bitch about it.”

I…I…but…SWEET ROLLS!

Over and over again, the same questions, so profoundly dumb as to defy belief. “PayPal only” means exactly that — PayPal only. No money orders. No personal checks. No livestock, no euros, no beads, no cash wrapped up in paper and stuffed in an envelope and tied up with string. PayPal. Only.

“But I don’t have any money in my PayPal account.”

Well, that’s…sad, for you, because I only accept PayPal.

“Can’t I just write you a check? Except you should probably wait a few days to deposit it, just in case.”

What did I just say? I don’t take checks! And if you need “a few days” to cover a check for seven bucks in the second place, maybe you need to do a little less shopping and a little more math. And reading comprehension. And SWEET ROLLS.

“Hi. How do I set up a PayPal account?”

I don’t run an assisted living facility over here — it’s really not hard. Figure it out, preferably before the end of the auction, the terms of which clearly state that I only accept PayPal.

“It’s not working? Because I live in England? So I can’t use it? So I was wondering? If I sent you a limp twenty? That you could just send it? To England? Where I live? I’m American! Oh, and you can just put the change in the envelope.”

But you…I…I don’t…it’s not…SWEET ROLLS!

It’s not just the buyers who suffer from the duhs. A lot of eBay sellers don’t seem to have the firmest grasp of stuff like, you know, retinal preservation. It’s an ashtray, buddy; you don’t have to burn out the caps lock clutch by screaming the entire description, and if you must yell, please do not do so in pink writing on an electric blue background. And can we get a moratorium on the umptillion waving American flags? Please? Because, again…ashtray. I don’t really care whether it supports our troops; I’d just like the damn page to load before I turn forty. Also, “ashtray” isn’t spelled with an “E.”

I’d also like to see a picture, because “it’s brownish-greenish-pink, no cracks except for a couple of small ones and that one really big one” doesn’t really help me visualize it — and just to clarify, I mean a picture that’s 1) in focus and 2) actually of the item for sale, and not of your dog. I clicked on an auction for a vintage pin recently, and the picture looked like an MRI of a transverse colon. Like, did you eat the pin? Because this is more information than I need, NeedzMoreFibr443, in the sense that it’s not information I need at all, because I don’t want to buy a polyp.

In other news, do not offer to combine shipping on multiple items if the only other thing you have for sale is a piano, because it is very stupid to do that, because it is a piano, and by the way, “piano” is not spelled with an “E” either, and shut up, and go away, and we are out of sweet rolls.

And the shipping…oh, the shipping. Until I started buying stuff on eBay, I didn’t know the postal service even offered such a thing as eighth-class mail (drop-kick confirmation for another 85 cents!), or that “mint in plastic” often means “swaddled in a nautical mile of Saran Wrap.” It’s fine to pack things in Ziploc bags, but would it kill these people to dump the sandwich crumbs out first before putting the baseball card in? Dwight Gooden should not smell like salami and cheese. (Should he? He shouldn’t, right?)

At least I could open that one. I bought a ring on eBay one time; a week later, a box the size of a Great Dane’s traveling crate arrives at my apartment, and after I got it down off the forklift and blowtorched through an inch of packing tape to the box below, I found said ring nestled Oysters-Rockefeller-style on a glacier of Styrofoam peanuts. Ever heard of a padded envelope?

Oh, what do I know. The other day, I was giving my dad a tour of how to sell stuff and I almost put Mr. Stupidhead up for sale in the Everything Else section (“lightly used brother, no reserve!”). Yeah…long story. Anyway, if anyone’s interested, he comes with accessories, but I ain’t shipping his ass to Canada so don’t even think about asking, and no, you can-not send me a money order, and SWEET ROLLS.

December 29, 2003

Share!