Putting The "Ass" Back In "Midsummer Classic": MLB Manager Hotness Rankings
My esteemed colleagues Paul Quinn and John Ramos and I didn't arrive at the idea of ranking managerial hotness first…but I suspect the Hotness Council is the first to compare a Brewers skipper to both Eddie Redmayne and Ben Shenkman. Happy All-Star break, ever'buddeh!
…Hee, so anyway: Q, John, and I ranked every single major-league manager (as of 7 July 2015*) in hotness order. The (surprising, at least to me) (damn you, Q) results appear below, with my congratulations to various Central divisions. Who says it's all over in Detroit?
(Wondering about previous hotness rankings? Enjoy the 2013 French Open, 2012 U.S. Open, and 2012 Wimbledon discussions. Just a reminder that contrary to Buntsy/Baron twin-brain appearances the Councillors do not consult with each other prior to submitting lists.)
*It's been noted by FOTN A. Cameron that Dave Roberts only served as Pads manager for a single day before Pat Murphy stepped into the role. Murphy looks enough like Banister, at least to me, that I don't think it matters that much, but management regrets the error.
1 BRAD AUSMUS, DET
John: Sometimes looks slightly cross-eyed, but rocking body and looks like the friendliest frat-house president on the block.
Sarah: Fratty in an uncomfortably Steve Garvey way, but I am cautiously into it.
Quinn: He looks like an extra from the Moldavian Massacre.
2 ROBIN VENTURA, CHW
Quinn: Can someone else try and figure this one out? I haven't a clue. He's good-looking, but not. Sexy, but not. It's Ryan vs. Ventura again, but this time with Ventura's hotness and itself.
John: Tried to find a bad image of him; located a photo of him wearing a top hat
and still failed.
Sarah: Always had that "your married professor (whom you realize in retrospect was a C-minus-fuck sleazebox)" thing around the margins; now has it full force. I could quibble with the hair, but he can leave the hat on. (Maybe not this particular hat.)
3 MIKE MATHENY, STL
Quinn: All I see are the worst, bland elements of Bradley Cooper. I roped in the boyfriend for his opinion. BF: "Oh, yeah, he's hot. Look at his culo." Me: "Meh."
John: There are a bunch of "Hey Girl" images of him around the internet; no mystery to me why. Dad without the dadbod; woof.
Sarah: I am shocked Matheensy didn't take this in a landslide. So hot.
4 JOE GIRARDI, NYY
Sarah: The binders, the braces, the relative seldomness with which he wears those lady-boner-deflating windshirts? It's all kind of charming, I don't know. Plus he looks like Guido BFs of my youth if they hadn't gotten fat.
John: It's probably the lifelong Yankees fan in me, but even though Joe looks less movie star and more movie star's bodyguard, it works.
Quinn: Handsome, not sexy. Has entered his Ralph Lauren phase and that's fine. Enjoy it, sir.
5 JOE MADDON, CHC
Sarah: ZOMG I love Joe Maddon. He's smart, he has hipster glasses, and this happened.
Quinn: The Biden of MLB. And like his namesake, he gets sexier with age.
John: Enjoy the Victor Garber-ish specs; would like to think he's running covert spy missions on the side.
6 (tie) CRAIG COUNSELL, MIL
John: Nerd-hot in a way I seldom see in the MLB. You could take him home to Mom and Dad.
Sarah: Exactly the kind of big-schnozzed nerdlinger Modine/Shenkman combo I will knock you down to make out with.
Quinn: If Prince Harry and Eddie Redmayne had a baby and that baby became a manager (but wasn't hot).
6 (tie) BOB MELVIN, OAK
Quinn: Looks like he's about to lose it all the time, which would be a boner-killer.
Sarah: His default face seems to be "close to tears" — and with good reason in 2015 — but I'm digging the "JJ Feild in Moneyball II" vibe.
John: Another one who's held it together. Looks like the type who smiles rarely, but when he does, it's worth the wait.
8 KEVIN CASH, TB
Sarah: Has charming moments; has other moments when he looks like a combative fratball/worse-aging Andy Roddick.
John: Some shots of him are hot like if Mark Ruffalo ate a couple sandwiches; some look like Cash just ate an entire pound of pasta at one sitting.
Quinn: My ex-Blue Jays homeboy. And although things didn't work out for him in Toronto it's nice to see his career take off from there as a player and now as a manager. Congrats, Kev, you're the hottest.
9 FREDI GONZALEZ, ATL
Quinn: Hola, Papi. The greying goatee is everything. Get it.
John: Would have loved to see what he looked like when his features were a little sharper.
Sarah: The enemy of my HanRam is my friend, plus if he shaves off that shitty goatee and loses 20 pounds, you've got something going on.
10 LLOYD MCCLENDON, SEA
Sarah: Perhaps not the most indicative photo,
but at least someone in that clubhouse cares enough to pitch a hisser.
Quinn: We'd post-coital cuddle and talk shit about asshole umpires.
John: Looks great for his age, plus has a mischievous smile in photos that I dig.
11 BRUCE BOCHY, SF
Quinn: Oh, what's that? You don't have a thing for daddies? Well, you do now. HOT. I would do him at any stage of his career. If I were in that tesseract from Interstellar, I would jump him in 79, 85, 10, and now.
Bonus hotness points for all he's done with The Giants. Giving me Oliver North realness doesn't hurt either.
Sarah: Looks like John C. Reilly to me, however you want to take that. I…don't, particularly.
John: Grizzled man of a certain age and onetime rocker of a near-Selleck-level 'stache. More into it than I would have guessed.
12 PAUL MOLITOR, MIN
John: Can't completely judge this objectively because he was pants-rippingly hot back in the day, but for ladies his age I'd say GET IT, GIRL.
Sarah: I had hoped to rank Molly higher because back in the day he was soooo cuuuute, but the game has taken its toll, alas. Could pull himself up the list by growing his hair out of that Rocky Top State Mental Hospital foolishness and maximizing his Scott Glenn potential with a more significant sideburn.
Quinn: Don't do Molly. For real, don't.
13 DAVE ROBERTS, SD
Sarah: No objection.
John: Not exactly a steal.
Quinn: He continues the fine tradition of good-looking gentlemen associated with the San Diego Padres.
14 NED YOST, KC
Quinn: It would be hard to make out with him because he's got no lips, and you'd always be worried that he'd go Nolte in Thin Red Line on your ass with no warning. I said hard, not impossible.
Sarah: Bless his heart.
John: Cute when he was younger; appealing in a hot-gym-teacher way now.
15 Bryan Price, CIN
Quinn: So Much Teeth So Close To Home.
John: Not terrible, but seems a bit…hulking?
Sarah: Gorgeous eyes + HOF who-beefed face = Buntnip. Needs to trim up juuuuuust a teents and he's coming for Matheny. (Am I kissing his ass so he'll consider trading Todd Frazier to the Metsies? WHO CAN SAY.) (…No.)
16 (tie) DON MATTINGLY, LAD
Sarah: Maybe this pic is unfair, but 1) it's hilarious
and 2) it's one of the more flattering taken in the last year. It's all kind of gone to hell around the jowls for Donnie Baseball, who now looks like a cross between Bill Murray and John Cougar Mellencamp Cougar or whatever the fuck he's going by now. I always liked Donnie, but not That Way, and I miss the 'stache.
John: When did Donnie Baseball turn into Donnie Early Bird Special? A few more years at this rate and I'm not going to be able to tell him apart from George HW Bush.
Quinn: Grow the 'stache back, Don. You're getting into in Fisher Stevens territory here, and it's scary.
16 (tie) Walt Weiss, COL
Quinn: Sans baseball cap? Not great. Cap on? Not bad.
Sarah: Son, shave it already.
John: Looked better a few years ago, but who among us didn't?
18 A.J. HINCH, HOU
Sarah: The Gasquet of these rankings — needed to grow into his face and then overshot it in the space of 18 months.
Quinn: Again with the lacking in the lip department. He also breaks my Padres rule.
John: One of those conservative-looking types who'd be a hot Grindr pull when he's on the road.
19 CHIP HALE, ARI
Quinn: Chip ain't got no lip.
John: My reaction when I saw his pic was "He looks good for his age."
Then I looked up his age.
Sarah: I mean, don't be named Chip, but it's baseball, so I'll let it go. Pulls a great "fuck's sake" face — which, let's face it, he needs — and has a Corbin Bernsen thing going on I don't hate.
20 CLINT HURDLE, PIT
John: Not exactly working now, but I'll bump him up a bit for nostalgia's sake:
Quinn: Sorry, can't do it. It's all my Irish uncles rolled (literally) into one.
Sarah: I can't imagine anyone else will rank him as high as I did but can we talk about his hair? It's so delightful.
21 DAN JENNINGS, MIA
Sarah: "Wha happeeeeened?"
Quinn: Remember that time you found yourself with that inexplicable Jeb Bush crush and you thought that maybe you should talk to someone? Here we go again.
John: Nothing offensive; nothing memorable.
22 MIKE SCIOSCIA, LAA
Quinn: I would.
John: Central Casting called; they'd like their intransigent NY police captain back.
Sarah: Classless, undermining Luddite whose shitty treatment of DiPoto AND Josh Hamilton mean he can go to the fridge for a bee-sicle and fuckin' stay there. If we'd done these rankings two months ago I'd have put him higher. Now that he's showed his (big) ass? Nope.
23 TERRY FRANCONA, CLE
Quinn: My BF says he looks like Woody Woodpecker with some seeds in his mouth.
No argument there.
Sarah: Has anyone ever seen Tito and Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino together? Coincidence? …This Yertle-y thing is not MY thing, but I like him personally, and suspect afterwards people would be like, "wait, HIM?!" and I'd be like, don't knock it till you've tried it.
John: I thought Donald Pleasance died a long time ago!
24 PETE MACKANIN, PHI
John: I kind of enjoy his Bostwickian look, plus points for this long-ago image:
Quinn: He looks more like a wrestling manager than someone in MLB, as if Ric Flair stumbled out of the WWE and ended up in Philly.
Sarah: The love child of Kevin McReynolds and Santa.
25 MATT WILLIAMS, WAS
Quinn: LOL at the Prince Charles ears.
Sarah: Reminds me of Wes from The Challenge. Sadly, this isn't the insult you'd think it is.
John: Too many photos that look like they came from a no-fly list.
26 JEFF BANISTER, TEX
Sarah: Used to be cute.
Hasn't aged REAL well.
John: Appears likely to once have been cute, but has puffed out and reddened like so many of his ancestry. Say it with me: Sunblock!
Quinn: I can't…
27 TERRY COLLINS, NYM
John: Looks like the Republican governor of a very sunny state.
Quinn: I'm too scared to say anything. You look great, Terry. Moving on…
Sarah: Well, look. He's way too old and even too-shorter than that, but he has a wise-ass no-bullshitness to him, and he reminds me of Michael J. Fox in voice and stature. It's kind of incestuous for me, a Met fan, to even think about this but it's not the most revolting idea on the list by a long shot even if he's starting to remind me of Estelle Getty a little bit.
28 JOHN GIBBONS, TOR
John: Looks a bit like late-stage Robert Wagner in some shots; while not strictly an insult, it's not a compliment either.
Quinn: Raúl Mondesí where you at? Come back from the Dominican. Leave politics. Toronto needs you, as does this list, desperately.
29 BUCK SHOWALTER, BAL
Quinn: He could win a bar fight without having to get off the stool. He looks nice when he smiles (which is never).
Sarah: I am shocked he's not bringing up the rear; I adore Mr. Show, but if I'm going to bone an angry gnome, I'm going with the man from Queens. That said, Showalter's voice is really lovely and he should consider a second career narrating baseball-related audiobooks.
John: Seems really mad all the time! He can't always be looking in a mirror, can he?
30 JOHN FARRELL, BOS
Quinn: Oh, God. Do I have to? Looks like a doctor with a string of malpractice suits against him. Way to hit and run, fucker.
John: A middle-aged That Guy. Plus I'd be afraid I'd catch Boston from him.
Sarah: Actually, we are not entertained, Oliver Stone's The Sandlot. Hard pass.
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