The minute I decided to do the Out With The Crowd series, I wanted to try to get Old Gator to talk to me about the Miami Marlins — or, as he calls them, "the Feesh." I've loved his comments ever since following Craig Calcaterra over to Hardball Talk, and I particularly wanted to get his take after Reyes went to the Feesh over the winter.

We spoke late last week about Big Z, Canadian delis, and armpit mumps.

Sarah D. Bunting: Who's your favorite Feesh acquisition since last season?

Old Gator: With 20/20 hindsight, it has to be Krazy Karlos Lamebraino — so far. I hated the deal when it happened and I still worry that if he hits a rough spot he'll be headed for another Chernobyl-level (seven, I think, according to the IAEC scale) meltdown. But meanwhile, his old velocity has magically returned — they don't call this "the Magic City" for nothing, but then, they don't call it a lot of other things for nothing either. He's spotting the ball beautifully and he's walking very few. He claims to have had something of an epiphany during the offseason — most likely someone spiked his arepa with datura and banisteriopsis, but I don't think MLB tests for that so it's all to the good. So far.

Yeah, that has been kind of a miracle. My co-GM insisted on him for our fantasy team and now she looks like a genius.

Baseball has gotten weird enough in situ that I have no use for fantasy teams.

I won't either after this season. What a debacle. …Who's your least favorite new Marlin?

My least favorite Feesh, per se, is John Buck. He's grotesquely overpaid, an offensive black hole who's always hugging the Mendoza line like the X axis of a fractal plot.

But as for recent acquisitions — well, despite Reyes's slow start (he's batting around .350 since the beginning of May), and despite Heath Bell's erratic performance so far (he pitched a perfect ninth last night against the Braves), I can't really complain about any of the major acquisitions. Buehrle has peetched well too.

However…I am really disappointed by what the Feesh did not do, which is unload the overrated Tweeter (Logan Morrison, for the non-initiates) and get themselves a solid contact-hitting RBI guy. Morrison ended last season batting .148 RISP and he's barely any better this season. He has the outfield instincts of one of those giant burrowing worms from Tremors and goes after fly balls about as blindly. I know he's a first baseman who was converted under duress, but still — the GMs involved in nearly every proposed trade the Feesh couldn't close in the orf season wanted him, and the Feesh brass treated him like the second coming of the Dalai Lama.

Now, of course, Tweeter's knee is wonky so they'd have to package him with someone who could be valuable. But this team, hot as it has been, is still near the bottom of the league in RISP. So they go out and get Reyes — a terrific ballplayer but still, another get-on-base guy — and sit pat about someone to drive their tablesetters in. They're not going to contend beyond maybe a first-round wildcard this way.

As William Blake famously wrote, enough…or too much. Next question.

Ha! Anyone the brass did manage to get rid of that you were pleased to see go?

Chris Volstad. I figured that, if we were going to be stuck with Krazy Karlos, at least we unloaded Volstad in the process. It just barely netted out for me. But as I noted above, I've eaten some crow on that one. It's not too bad, sautéed with some fennel and butter, but it needs to be well done to kill the parasites. I thought trading John Baker to San Diego was a mistake. He hasn't played well out there — he's still recovering from TJS — but in the long run, I would rather have kept him than Brett Hayes.

Incidentally, I also felt the Feesh could afford to trade Ricky Nolasco for some real pop in the upper middle of the order but they held on to him. He's also very erratic — when he's on he's very good but his evil twin shows up with greater frequency as we get deeper into the season. He pitched like he had mumps in his armpits the other day.

Maybe somebody Strasburged his uniform shirt.

More like a sleepwalking medical student pithed him thinking he was a huge frog.

It's going around. (see: Rauch, Jon) (wait: don't) Anyone you were sorry to see go, then?

Just Baker, really. The Feesh did a lot of buying and not a lot of trading during the weenter, so there was mostly loss by attrition. I will miss those episodes between Mike Cameron and the flight attendants on the team plane, though.

I don't think you'll be lacking for drama.

Well, there's that reality show on Showtime — The Franchise — debuting next month, starring our intrepid Rainbow Warriors and our fearless leader, Che Guillen. Slobbering Ozzie is always good for a few laughs and can be counted on to cause more social issues as the dog days beset us.

AH MAH GAH I forgot about that show. Might have to upgrade the old cable package. The revolution will be televised!

You covered this a fair bit in your comments re: RISP, I think, but is that your biggest worry for the '12 Feesh — that it's all table-setting, no table-clearing? Or is there another, more important issue facing the team?

Possible or potential injuries to the peetching staff notwithstanding, I think the situational-hitting profile is their biggest issue. Third base for the Feesh runners is a lot like the old South Beach in the days when it was lined with deteriorating art deco palaces that had become nursing homes — it's like a holding pen for the afterlife.

You see Tweeter or John Buck coming up with guys on second and third and, if the opposing pitcher is any good at all, you watch from between your fingers. As with most blinded organisms, the other senses take over. You hear the "swish" of the bat swinging through the pitch, or the "thuk" of a bad contact that announces an infield pop-up. As my British wife might say, it gets on your wit.

Well, I'm really interested to hear your answer to the next question, which is where you see the Marlins finishing this year. I spotted them as the team to beat in this division — rooting as I do for the only team with no shot whatsoever — but it seems to be a race for last in the NL Least so far.

They have an outside chance of taking the division if the Feelies totally implode and start selling off their assets like a ludic Tennis Court Oath before the July trading deadline. I think the Mutts will fade pretty quickly; they're playing over their heads right now. The Braves might be better than folks thought they'd be after their Maginot Line act at the end of last season, but they're just not a very good team — their ownership is bottom-line oriented and doesn't give a damn about what kind of product they put on the field.

The beeg question for me is the Gnats. I think it'll come down to a nip-and-tuck contest for them to see who takes the division and who takes one of the wild card slots. I could see the Feesh going either way.

Of course, the Gnats go out and get some boolpen help, I have to give them a slight edge. I think they've got a lean and hungry look about them this season and they're good already — and they can get better by September, too.

That is, if the malign spirits don't unite to kill off all of their catchers…I remember when the saying was, "Playing keyboards for the Grateful Dead is like being lookout on the Titanic." That little zone behind the plate in Washington…

God, seriously. That might be a division-wide thing, though. The restless ghost of Gary Carter.

Awww, you had to mention the Kid, huh? Yeah, he can't like what he's seeing. And of course there's Pudge. There's always Pudge.

Maybe he brought the hex down. Josh Thole probably has a few theories about that. Speaking of theories: who do you see in the Fall Classic this year?

The Rangers, definitely. In the National League, I still have to like the Cardinals. I think the Dodgers are also playing over their heads; they've got Kemp and not much else on offense. I doubt if the NL representatives will finally come out of the sunrise side. But I suspect that this will be the Rangers' year.

That would be nice, paired with Hamilton's 78-HR season.

Hamilton will cool off and have to settle for a measly Triple Crown.

Or he'll break something.

Between his ears.

"CAT scan revealed nothing."

He's still got a lot of fault lines up there.

Any pleasant surprises so far this year? Could be Feesh or…foul? (Horrible pun, sorry.)

Domini domini domini, I forgive you. Most pleasant surprise, for me, was Ozzie's "I love Castro" comment. If you caught my comments on Circling the Bases, you know I "covered" that episode pretty closely. I live deeply embedded in Cuban civilization such as it has taken root here in Macondo. I was delighted with the opportunity to study my ambient civilization under special circumstances like that.

I am pleased to report that, once that particular teapot tempest blew over, it had little or no effect on the cuisine at my local cafe Cubano.

That is a relief.

Indeed. I really need to go to the weendow in the morning for my shot of liquid pacemaker and my guava pasteles, or the rest of the day drags by like an old parachute caught in the bushes.

Any un-pleasant surprises? (Besides Pujols, but 1) you're welcome to use that answer and 2) I don't know how surprising that is, in fact.)

Anyone who claims they're not surprised by how badly Pujols is playing is either lying, ignorant of baseball altogether or just plain stupid. I'm at least as surprised, though, at how badly the Tigers are playing this season. They came out of the gate like a battalion of panzers and they're playing now like the scrubs from the Bay of Pigs invasion.

As far as the Feesh…the most unpleasant surprise was Josh Johnson's rickety start. Speaking of panzers, he was getting shelled like Isla Culebra.

I'm a little surprised by the Tigers, although that division is another triumph of mediocrity. And I'm not surprised by Pujols's slow start — but his swing looks like hot ass. There's something we aren't being told, maybe.

I don't think so. I just think he's pressing — it's in his head. One day he will really crush a couple and see the light. But I also don't think he was worth those bucks on a ten-year deal.

On the bright side, he's sharing a lineup with Vernon Wells…but yeah, I agree with you there.

That Vernon Wells trade boggles the mind. I can't think of a dumber trade since the Mutts unloaded Nolan Ryan.

Heh. My dad is still mad about Fregosi breaking his thumb like it happened yesterday.

And you have to remember that Fregosi was an All-Star before he came east. Los dioses de beisbol are about as charitable as H. P. Lovecraft's Old Ones.

Meanwhile, you could probably still put Ryan in a tie game.

Heh — if it's a kickboxing match, maybe…

I used to spend summers on Lon Gisland…

"Lawn Guyland," I think you mean. Anyway.

Joan Payson's house in Hewlett Harbor wasn't far from where I lived. We used to drive by her house, roll down the weendows, and scream "trade Fregosi!" at the tops of our lungs.

HA HA HA HA!

We really did that. Her house was adjacent to a public duck pond. The ducks would turn and stare at us like a bunch of "Far Side" cartoons.

And here's a nice segue: if you could tell Ozzie one thing, what would it be?

Clean up your mouth. A conversation with you is like blowing a hole in a sewer main. Kids are listening, and you're a self-indulgent vulgar slob. How's that?

Aside from the fact that I was positive you were talking to me, it's great.

Even though children are horrible.

This is reminding me of that comment by Bill James about how revolting Davey Johnson was on the bench. "Doesn't he have a wife?"

Never heard that. But I think it's fair to say that life in a men's athletic locker room makes a stronger impression on your speaking patterns than Strunk and White.

I've never been in a women's locker room. The mop head kept falling off and I never got past the matron at the door.

I'd like to tell you that Paulie Walnuts was right and you could eat maple-walnut ice cream out of the pishadoon. But we're fairly vile as well.

It's rum raisin or nothing. Do you know about that terrific little ice cream parlor on the Isle d' Orleans in Paris?

I do not! Making do with Louie G's for the moment. Heh.

It's right around behind Notre Dame. The stuff is so good that it's mobbed in the middle of the winter…and the owners close the place down for the entire month of July to go to la plage.

And you've always got the Lemon Ice King of Corona in a pinch.

And Mr. Softee. A Chief Crunchie and an eighth.

Never buy ice cream off a truck. So bourgeois.

I live in the 11215. Even the trucks are artisanal. [eye-roll]

Well, at least you have access to real subway-station knishes. You can't even get close to something like that here. The best delis are half-assed. Oh Buddha, and Sammy's Famous Roumanian Steakhouse…pass the pacemakers, please…

Though you've read my glowing reports about the delis of Toronto, right?

I don't think so. I had no complaints with T.O. delis when I lived there. Although if that whole country doesn't shut up about Montreal bagels, I don't know what. Montreal bagels are great. But it needs to not be This Thing anymore.

Ah well, as proudlycanadian would agree, Toronto delis are the best kept secrets in North American. Especially Caplansky's on College Street — oh Buddha, the cabbage borscht…and the smoked meat hash for breakfast… We have a great bagel place just down the street — killer whitefish salad…

I usually wrap something up to take to the ballgames. The hot dogs at Macondo Banana Massacre Field are Superfund sites on a bun. Expensive, too.

I was pleased that Citi offered veggie dogs…but of course they're cooked in the same place as the beef tubes. So I can't eat those either. What of your faux-Hindu fans, Wilpons?!

I get tofurkey dogs here. I also do most of my own cooking, especially Indian. The eastern European Jewish recipes I gleaned from my grandmother and aunt will kill you but they're good stuff in measured doses.

Okay: last question. What's getting on your nerves? Can be anything: Red Grooms, Feesh middle relief, McCarver, Lawrie. (That last one's mine. It's a non-story, folks. Drive through.) …Actually all of those things are kind of on my nerves except your bullpen.

McCarver never bothered me. I met him once at the American Airlines Admirals Club at LaGuardia and we had a great conversation about Shelby Foote's Narrative History of the Civil War. McCarver is a big Civil War buff.

I say this all the time but he used to be really good on the Mets broadcasts in the '80s.

But as to what does get on my nerves — the rape of public resources by Major League Baseball for stadium construction, and the irremediable whorishness of our public representatives in knuckling in to it.

Then again, compared with Fran Healy…

Yes, he was actually a superb broadcaster once. I grew up with Barber, Mel Allen, Phil Rizzuto (a god of mine), Kiner, Nelson and Murphy…

Aw, Murphy.

…and Howard Cosell…an uber-deity of mine.

I miss Al Trautwig. He still calls hockey around here, but I enjoyed his snittiness. (Not to blow past your actual answer, because: seriously. Both new stadia here were built two feet to the left of the old ones, and I like Citi, but why did you KEEP THE DAMN THING IN THE FLIGHT PATTERN.)

Never been a hockey fan. Same as soccer. Backandforthandbackandforthandbackandforth…

It's great at the rink. On TV, unwatchable for me.

I loved the planes at Shea. I'm a licensed pilot so planespotting was part of the fun.

I didn't mind them back in the day. Post-2001 I tend to think any plane is flying way too low.

And coming right at you.

But I guess it's a feature, not a bug.

OG is a retired college professor who taught English lit, American studies, Jazz History, and film studies. He has a pet baby pygmy rattlesnake named Friendo. Read more of his hilarious comments on Feesh and food at Hardball Talk.

Kickin' out the jams in Hotlanta

Out With The Crowd ventured into the NL East late last week when I interviewed Lauren, the head rodeo clown at LoveMyBravos.com, about bullpen-management issues, stupid baby names, and J. Hey's new look.

Sarah D. Bunting: Who's your favorite acquisition for the Braves since last season?

Lauren: Our roster barely changed from 2011. We had a great club last year but never had it firing on all cylinders. Most fans would say our greatest change in the offseason was dealing Derek Lowe to the Indians…in spite of us being responsible for $10MM of his $15MM salary this year.

We have a rookie shortstop — Tyler Pastornicky — who is doing exactly as expected. Otherwise, there haven't been any significant changes.

So you don't have a least favorite acquisition either? Or is that where Pastornicky comes in? …The clubhouse guy probably isn't a big fan of his. "It's as bad as Saltalamacchia!"

Ha ha, poor Salty. You know, I don't have a least favorite. I didn't think I was going to like the additions of Livan Hernandez or Chad Durbin to our bullpen, but Durbin's been great in his last few outings and Livo is hilarious. He has a lipstick-red glove and uses Pitbull's "Give Me Everything" as his intro song.

What was your favorite departure?

While Derek Lowe amused me when he wasn't pitching, I am glad we found a taker for him. As is to be expected with the Braves, we have too much pitching and there just wasn't a spot for a repeat of his 2011 performance.

One of our former starters, Kris Medlen, is stuck in the bullpen because we don't have a spot for him in the rotation. Luckily he's one of the few pitchers out there who really is great at every role. Derek Lowe had a horrible 2011. 9-17 record with an ERA over 5 and a WHIP over 1.5. We didn't want him back. Medlen can start, spot-start, throw one inning or 6 in long-relief, or close if we need him to. He's a fantastic asset.

I'm sorry, I'm a Mets fan. You're going to have to explain to me what that is. Use small words. …What about unwanted departures. Anyone you were sad to see go?

Hmm…unwanted departures… Well, our team is pretty solid. Tim Hudson only missed a few weeks with his off-season back surgery and no one expects Chipper Jones to play full-time this year. I've heard a major clubhouse presence is Peter Moylan, our Aussie sidearm reliever. He's still in extended spring training recovering from another surgery. He's only signed to a AAA contract this year, but I'd expect to see him called up when he's physically ready.

It sounds like you're pretty content with the team's makeup — what's your biggest worry about the 2012 Braves?

Fredi Gonzalez overusing the bullpen again. Can our Rookie of the Year closer Craig Kimbrel throw in 79 games again and stay healthy? Can our all-star setup man Jonny Venters trot out for 85 games again? Our 7th-inning man Eric O'Flaherty pitched in 75 games. Luckily Fredi has eased off the big three and put a little more weight on the shoulders of the rest of the bullpen, but without Venters and Kimbrel I don't see us in the post-season.

Sidebar: Do you think that's the biggest contributor to how Atlanta's season ended up last year?

I think last September came down to two things: we never got everything working at the same time (pitching, offense, defense), and I think some players were worn down and wouldn't admit it.

By "some players" do you mean J. Alias Heyward? And do you agree with my pet theory that there's something still off with him? Understand: I love that guy. I want him to kill it. But something ain't right still.

Yes. And Martin Prado, and the back end of the bullpen. Heyward's doing better this year. He lost something like 20 lbs. in the off-season and worked a lot on his swing with the new hitting coach. He's doing great in the stolen base department (I think he's 8 for 9? let me check that) and he's making more plays in the outfield.

I haven't had a good look since spring training.

I think getting back to a healthy weight as well as making some mental changes has helped him improve this season.

Yeah…he was looking, like, frightened at the plate last year.

I saw the same thing. (Yes, 8 for 9 in SBs.)

Where do you see the team finishing this season? NL East isn't quite the scrum of haplessness in years past. (Flushing excepted, sigh.)

Poor Mets.

As an eternally optimistic fan, I think we have all the tools to finish in first place. There are a few things we have to do, though: stay healthy, give our regulars enough rest to make it down the stretch, and win within the division. We seem to play on the level of our opponents — by that I mean, a sub-.500 team comes into town, and we can't beat them. We play a division leader, and we win. A huge key will be having a winning record against the Nationals, the Phillies, the Marlins, and the Mets. If you can't beat your own division, do you deserve to be in the playoffs?

That answers my next question — who do you see winning the division — so who do you see in the World Series this year?

I'd love this World Series to be Braves vs. Rangers, even though it would be hard on the Rangers to lose three years in a row.

Ha! If it's not your boys, who would get to the Classic out of the NL?

I think the Nationals have a great team. It'll be hard to bump them out of first place. Hate that their closer Drew Storen is on the bench after elbow surgery (he's such a fun one to watch) but they have a lot of excitement up in DC over Harper and Strasburg. The rest of their team isn't bad, either. Michael Morse seems to kill us.

Any pleasant surprises so far this year? Can be a Brave-y thing or something elsewhere in baseball.

A wonderful surprise this year has been the continued success of a few of our young players. First baseman Freddie Freeman is absolutely raking and plays Gold-Glove-caliber 1B — last year he was the first player to ever get the rookie triple crown and not win Rookie of the Year. He should be the All-Star Game starter, in my opinion. If pitchers Brandon Beachy and Mike Minor continue to increase their innings, they're going to be as well known as Maddux, Glavine, and Smoltz. They really are that good, and no one seems to know about them.

Any un-pleasant surprises?

I think everyone is a little disappointed in the fall of Jair Jurrjens. He went from being an All-Star in 2011 (and many thought he should have been the NL starter) to being sent down to AAA after a weak start to 2012.

Just one of many bombs on my fantasy team, so yeah.

He says his knee (which has given him problems) is okay and that his health is fine. No one seems to know the problem. So, he'll work it out in Gwinnett. Sorry about your loss. We really don't know what happened after the ASG.

He's the least of my problems (Aubrey Huff, etc.).

Aubrey Huff is so weird and funny and gross. I like him.

Aubrey Huff needs to not go on the DL because he's sad about his divorce. I'm trying to win some fuckin' money over here.

Maybe he should give his wife back her red thong and they'll be happy again. Or maybe he should stop going out after games so much.

Play through the pain, Daisy. I've got Bay out too. Anyway! If you could tell Fredi one thing, what would it be?

Honestly, nothing comes to mind. A lot of fans don't like his bullpen management (among other things), but I think he's doing a pretty good job considering the pressure he's under. I certainly don't think I would be better at it! I can just hear myself as manager: "You were rude that one time, so you're not going to play. You're cute, so you're starting. Jonny, Meds, Prado, Delgado — you all have to wear your socks up today because that's my favorite."

Hee. I'd be the same. "Come here, Turner. I want to tell you something. About your hair, using scissors."

Ha ha, I love Justin Turner. And I love that he and one of our resident redheads (Freddie Freeman) use the same walkup song.

Last question! Anything bugging you? Any recent stories circulating that are getting on your nads? Mine is Mo. That situation makes me very sad.

You know, the Mo story really is a tragedy. My first thought was, well, will he say "that's it" and call it a career? Reminds me of Billy Wagner going down with the oblique tear at the end of 2010, and ending his career on the DL. Great players — closers or otherwise — should be able to leave on their own terms.

Sadly, athlete bodies just don't hold up the way we'd like. The Julio Francos are few and far between.

I had to turn away from the photos. It was like seeing a racehorse pull up lame. You know what's next and it ain't good.

Exactly!

On a shallower note, though, at least we've all shut up about the goddamn Pujols Homer Watch for a little while.

I hoped that his move to the American League and the left coast would mean I'd hear less about him, but no. Watch him go on a Dan Uggla tear, though. New big contract, new city, sucks for the first little while. Then bam — 30-something-game hitting streak, end the year with 36 homers.

Also, he's actually 51 years old. The old bones need time to warm up again.

Ha ha, he totally is. I mean, I'm younger than Uggla and obviously not in as good shape, and I have no idea how he still gets around so well.

Anything else on your nerves? Local sports coverage? Irrational opponent hatred? Ozzie? Let it out, girl.

Chip Caray is one of our local broadcasters and he's surprisingly entertaining. He's not quite as excitable as he used to be, but it's great to hear him yell (example: McCann's grand slam off Halladay).

The only soapbox-y thing that I could rant about all day is all the Chipper worship. I was never much of a fan (he once made my brother cry at a Make-A-Wish Foundation Christmas party) and while I appreciate his contributions between the lines, I'm so glad this is his last season. I'm so tired of hearing everyone talk about him like he's a first-ballot Hall of Famer.

…Okay, he deserves that. I'm just ready to turn the page. He's not the alpha and omega of major league baseball. (Follow-up question: who is, then? I don't have an answer to that, but I don't want to see his baked-bean teeth on my TV anymore.)

I hate him for the "Shea" thing.

A lot of people thought that was ridiculous.

When the kid gets a little older, he's going to think it's ridiculous. (Or she, I don't remember what flavor it is.)

I think it might have been different if Shea had been a girl. The biggest uproar here was, "That's a girl's name! Did he really do that?!"

Could have been worse. Could have been the Vet.

Sun Life Stadium.

The Juice Box.

Lauren cheers for her Braves at LoveMyBravos.com. You can also follow her on Twitter @BravesLove, where I'm sure she'd be very happy to talk about the Moyer/Jones dust-up. (Not really. Also, cram it, LARRY.)

Welcome back to Out With The Crowd, and our first foray into the National League. Joining us is TN reader and Colorado fan Leigh Bingham; we discussed Jimenez v. Tulo, pantsless mascots, porous defense, and many other fine feathered topics on May 1.

Sarah D. Bunting: So: Who's your favorite acquisition for the 2012 season?

Leigh Bingham: Michael Cuddyer. No question. He's like kittens and rainbows and sandwiches wrapped up in the finest Corinthian leather. He hits (doubles!), he hustles, and have you seen those dimples? I really want to give some love to Jamie Moyer, too, because how excellent is that whole thing? I'd be rejoicing about Moyer being the best pitcher on the roster right now, if that didn't say really terrible things about the state of Rockies pitching.

I was kind of hoping we could get Moyer, because: love, and now I wish it even more thanks to Pelfrey throwing a shoe. Who's your least favorite new Rocky? ("Rockie"?)

Sadly, it's "Rockie." Sigh.

Oh, man. Between that and having to render the plural as "the A's," this is making me nuts on a usage level.

Oh, so you were forced to do that? I was wondering.

Otherwise it looks like "As." I tried to say "Athletics" as much as I could, but…

…Yeah, I see the problem. Anyhoodle — the answer is…it's so early in the season, and I hate to rush to judgment. (I'm lying; I totally love to do that.) It is tough though, because nobody has crushed me yet. I'll play it safe and say Tyler Chatwood, but I am well aware I'm copping out with that answer. I am hopeful I won't feel compelled to bring up Marco Scutaro in this context any time soon.

Remind me what Tyler Chatwood does (or fails to do, heh) for you guys?

He's a pitcher. It's a terrible answer, but really, so far, there isn't a lot of hate.

That's good! …Anyone you were happy to see go? Who was the best departure for you guys?

I have to say Jimenez. At the time it was sad and weird and felt like the end of the 2007 dream. But seeing over spring training how we really didn't know what was going down with him and his attitude made me realize how little I miss him.

I think you guys may have dodged a bullet there, actually. I mean, he probably looks worse than he is, but the transition to AL hitters for some of these guys can get pretty fugly.

I agree. There's stink there all around. The Tulo dust-up was just…ugly.

I think I literally face-palmed during that "highlight" on MLB Network. What are you doing, guy?

Not very bright, if you ask me.

Or mature. Anyway…anyone you were sad to see go?

Oh, you probably can guess the answer to this one. Losing Ryan Spilborghs was difficult, for so very many reasons. Most of these reasons pertain to his choice of walk-up song and how wonderful it feels to say his name aloud.

I thought of you. And of the many minutes of joy I have derived from bellowing "SPILBORGHS!!"

It's joy. Pure joy. Gone forever.

You are welcome to borrow Tim Byrdak for this purpose. It's not quite the same, but you can get some pretty good torque on it. Unfortunately he's not so good at throwing a baseball.

Oh, wow, okay. Is that pronounced like it looks?

Yep. "BIRD ACK!!"

That wins, I think.

Emphasis on the "ack," I'm afraid.

Love.

Speaking of afraid, what's your biggest worry for the Rox in '12?

I think I'm very surprised to realize my answer is defense. It's not something I've worried about before, and I didn't think I'd worry about it now, but the error numbers are alarming. I'm also worried about pitching, of course. Clichéd, but true. Though last night's relief gave me some — er — relief. De La Rosa's return can't come soon enough.

Oh, that guy's still alive? Nice. (I kid. I kept forgetting there was a Johan Santana.)

Ha!

Where do you think Colorado finishes this year in the standings? How many wins?

I think we will finish over .500, but not by much. I feel like what we've seen so far is pretty representative of how it's going to go.

Who's going to win the division?

That's an excellent question. I definitely don't think the Dodgers can sustain this post-McCourt freak adrenaline or whatever it is they have going on. I won't count the Giants out, but I think it's going to be the D-Backs (#GoDbacks!). I'm not happy about it, though.

What about the beeg weener — who do you think wins the whole thing this season?

I am terrible at predictions (despite winning both my NFL and March Madness pools this year). But I can say I would totally be down with a Nationals/Rangers series. Rangers win that, if it comes to pass.

Any pleasant (or unpleasant) surprises so far this season?

Back to the trusty Moyer for this one. I worry this is a train with a very short track, but he keeps delighting me. And it's not like he's great, he's just so good at his thing. And I have to mention that the "Jamie Moyer is sooooooo ooooold" jokes wear thin, but at least there is variety in them (cough Tebowing cough).

Yeah, "thanks" for shipping that bucket of nonsense back East.

So sorry. No, I'm not.

Heh. If you could tell your manager one thing, what would it be?

Quit it with the contact play, already. It doesn't seem to be working out the way you want it to. Sheesh.

Quick sidebar just for you: Keith Law really thinks Tracy is an idiot, to the point where he gets really exercised about it. Do you share this opinion?

Well, I will have to read the Law (heh) on that, but I guess I don't. I'm not a manager hater as a rule, but there is a lot a like about Tracy. He's built a team that I enjoy watching.

He mostly bitches about it on the "Baseball Today" podcast, actually. I always enjoy a good Law splutterfest but I'm not entirely sure I know what the objections are.

I'll listen sometime. See what I'm missing.

Anything else bugging you? Individual Rockies? Other teams? Headlines? Here's mine: Delmon Young. Not that the guy shouldn't kick rocks, but where are the suspensions for the DUI guys?

I will add two things to the general idea that it's ridiculous these players don't know how to call a fucking cab after hitting the strip club or wherever, and when they get caught they don't have professional accountability… 1. The Marlins Mermaids.

SRSLY.

I KNOW. 2. those bikini babes in the hot tubs. Do they come with the price of a ticket or something? I don't get it, but it's gross.

Is that also Marlins? I think there's one at Arlington as well. Which some jag fell in during the playoffs?

I know there's a hot tub in Arizona, but it doesn't come with half-nekkid ladies. The Miami one does, apparently.

Gack. Reminds me of the Devil dancers. It's a HOCKEY TEAM, people! What's with the miniskirts.

One big, fat sigh. I don't know what I'll do if the Rockies ever get cheerleaders. I really don't.

The Tulettes?

Hah! Our mascot is Dinger the Dinosaur, so maybe the Dingbats?

"Dinger the Dinosaur"? Really?

Yes. He is purple, and wears no pants. But he does wear a jersey.

Wow. I can't decide if that's cynical and bizarre, or cute. (Not the no-pants part.)

I go back and forth.

Mr. Met does have a full uniform, THANK GOD.

Indeed. Think of the children.

My understanding is that there is a Mrs. Met and a Lady Met? So there are some shenanigans maybe happening. Or should I say "Shea-nanigans." (He may have married Lady Met and now she's Mrs. Met. It's unclear.)

That's a promotional opportunity if I've ever heard one.

Catfight Night?

The impending arrival of Little Met. (Oh, yours is super-better.)

Aw, yours is cute! "Name That Metling!"

Exactly! Hmmm…can we make money off of this?

I can't believe this has never been explored by Met management. Although it does open up a can of worms involving mascot sex that may be best left tightly sealed.

Is this where we insert a joke about the quality of Met management?

There's definitely a "Bobby Bonilla's contract" crack in here somewhere.

In this installment of Out With The Crowd, I talked with TN/baseball regular commenter — and level-headed Red Sox fan — BSD about Cherington agonistes, chicken tattletales, and stabilizing douchebags. We spoke on April 21 from the middle of a bottle of Malbec.

Sarah D. Bunting: BSD is talking to us about the Red Sox.

BSD: I don't know why, but yeah, we'll talk about 'em.

It is maybe little late to be asking these questions, but what was your favorite acquisition for the team in the off-season?

To be honest with you, they really haven't made any acquisitions in the off-season that I can speak highly of; I think the only guy that's actually done pretty well so far is Ryan Sweeney? That they got from Oakland, that was part of the trade where they received Andrew Bailey, who was supposed to be our new closer.

Ohhh yes. Okay.

And they also gave up a kid that everyone that's a Red Sox fan actually liked a lot last year, a young kid named Ryan Kalish, who they traded away to Oakland, to get Bailey, and also to get Ryan Sweeney to replace Kalish in right field. So Sweeney's actually been okay this year, but for the most part the acquisitions they've done this year have been nothing to write home about.

Okay, so that's my next question, is what's your least favorite acquisition from the off-season?

I mean, you make two trades, in which you're going to strengthen your bullpen: one of them, Andrew Bailey, gets hurt, breaks his thumb and is out for four months, he's supposed to be our new closer –

When is he supposed to be back?

Four months.

But when'd he break his thumb?

Like two weeks — since the beginning, like from halfway through spring training.

So not 'til the All-Star break.

Not 'til the All-Star break, at least. At the very least. So you have him, and then you traded Jed Lowrie to Houston, in another move that was supposed to strengthen your bullpen, and get Mark Melancon, and they've already sent him down to AAA, 'cause that's how good he's been.

Ohhh-kay.

He's already been sent down to Pawtucket. So, so far the acquisitions standpoint has not been very good.

Okay, so what about de-acquisitions, or dudes you got rid of that you were psyched about? What was your favorite dude that got shipped off or retired?

Papel-gone.

Ohhhh, Crapelbon!

You know, it's funny, it's weird to say that now, looking at the state of the Red Sox bullpen being so bad, at least he would have been a stabilizing force, but he was also stabilizing douchebag as well, so seeing him leave was not necessarily a sad thing on my part, plus they're gonna get some decent draft-pick compensation, in this year's draft, for him, so hopefully they'll be able to restock the farm system a little bit by his moving to Philly.

And was he actually that shit last year?

No!

I feel like he was shit the year before; I feel like it was 2010.

No, he kind of mirrored the Red Sox last year; they started off crap, then they went on a roll for four months, and then obviously last month of the season, everyone deteriorated and he was right there with them in regards to doing bad, and Daniel Bard, kind of the same way. He had a terrible September as well.

Okay, so by the same token, what is your guy you're missing the most? Your favorite absence or departure.

The guy we're missing the most — I know he had a bad year last year, but I still think Carl Crawford. Even on his…he had a bad year last year and he still batted like .260 or so? And you look at what's going on in the outfield right now, three guys who you didn't even know who the hell they were at this time last year, Johnny Repko ["actually Jason, and he went on the DL himself the next day" -- Ed.], Ryan Sweeney, and…I can't even remember the third one now, but at least Carl Crawford — oh, Jacoby Ellsbury! Well, Jacoby Ellsbury we're also missing; he's probably the number-one guy we're missing, now that he's hurt, but Crawford, if he had started the year this year, I think he would have been a little bit more relaxed, more used to Boston, more used to the media pressure and such, and I think he would have had a rebound year. So I actually miss him more than Ellsbury right now.

When is Crawford due back?

I think in about a month, or so. I think he's back down in extended spring training, working out and such, so I think he's only about a month away from coming back.

And then apparently — what was it, Marlon Byrd, you were just reading?

Right — update!

Breaking news!

Breaking news, right. … From what I'm reading on Twitter, and Nick Cafardo from, I think he's from the Boston Globe, is reporting Sox are close to acquiring Marlon Byrd from the Cubs. No word on what they're giving up yet, so, hopefully it's Andrew Bailey. And his broken thumb.

It's kind of amazing that the Cubs are already shedding talent in April.

Yeah.

At this point in the season, what is your biggest worry for the team?

The bullpen. The bullpen's the biggest worry, right now. Because still think the starting pitching is going to be stabilized; I mean, I know they haven't had the greatest start. Bard has started off pretty decently for his first time as a starter since college, Beckett's second start was pretty solid, Lester's been bad but I don't expect that to continue, Buchholz…hasn't started off too well, but I think he's too good of a pitcher for this kind of thing to continue. And dare I say it, Matsuzaka is gonna be making his first start in the minors in Salem this weekend, so he might be coming back in a month.

God, I forgot about that guy.

Yeah — and I think the fact that he hasn't lived up to his contract I don't think necessarily means he's been a terrible pitcher; it's just that he hasn't lived up to his contract. But I'll take him as a number-four or -five starter any day.

There was no living up to that contract, and especially the pre-contract — like just the right to talk to him –

Exactly. The negotiating rights.

Fifty million dollars –

I think it was eighty!

No, it's impossible.

So when Dice-K comes back, I think the starting pitching will stabilize, but the bullpen's just been horrid — again, losing Bailey, the horrid start by Melancon, you know, you have Aceves, who should be a middle reliever slash spot starter, now having to close out games, and the fact that he's not even happy about that, he wanted to be starting, all through spring training that's what he was aiming for, and now he's like, "Oh, you're our new closer."

Right — and all the psychological mishegas that went along with that as well, that can't be helping. But you just don't have the bodies, it sounds like.

Not at this point.

You're bringing people up from — forget Pawtucket, it's like —

It's all the guys from last year that everyone hated — the Matt Alberses and the Scott Atchisons that are actually trying to hold the fort down right now.

I think that guy used to be a part of the Met bullpen, which is not good.

Who, Atchison? Yeah.

So where do you predict your team finishing this year?

Right now, it's looking like fourth, to be perfectly honest with you.

"Thank God for the Orioles."

Yeah, well, the Orioles are actually better too! So, but I actually put Toronto ahead of them, Tampa Bay — I think Tampa Bay is actually the favorite. I think their pitching is that good, I think they're actually gonna win the East, and I don't mean that as a Red Sox fan having to be a Yankee-hater or anything, I just think the Yankee starting staff is a little shaky right now; I think Tampa Bay's is just so solid; I can't see many teams being able to outhit them too much. I like Tampa Bay a lot.

And the Jays can cause people some problems.

A lot of problems, absolutely.

So that's your prediction for the division also, is Tampa?

Yes.

I don't think I –

Was that the next question?

What, the division? Yeah — but I have to confess that I don't think I understand the new wild-card playoff one-game arrangement.

Right.

I might just have to go on Wikipedia and get my shit straightened out.

Right.

But do you think that that team is going to come out of this division? Out of AL East?

It could. But I think Cleveland could be a wild-card team; when you look out west, I think Oakland is better, I don't think they're great, but I mean, you pretty much take the West and say, "Texas has it."

Right.

You know, no one else really out there is that solid, so why couldn't a second team like an Oakland just kind of come in under the radar and creep into second — and because they're not playing teams like the American League East are playing like nineteen times a year within division, why can't they come out with more wins than the third-place team in the American League East?

Right. Yeah, I guess they could do; I feel like I've been hearing that the A's are super-bad, that they're, like, down there –

I think they're gonna be a surprise, actually. I do.

Huh. Okay. I guess we'll see; you never know, it's a long season. Who do you think goes to the World Series?

World Series, I'm going back to Texas again.

Okay.

I think it's gonna be the Rangers once again, and…in the National League? Although I don't follow National League as much, and I don't want to say San Francisco is going –

Following the NL does not help you predict this.

No, it doesn't.

You can say who it's not gonna be, but that's about it. Like, it's not gonna be the Astros! It's not gonna be the Mets!

It's not gonna be the Braves.

No, it's probably not.

No, they're not having one of their better seasons, to say the least. They've lost too many players. Although their pitching is okay, but –

And I think there's still something wrong with Jason Heyward; it really makes me sad to see.

Yeah, I mean, for all intents and purposes it could be the Cardinals again, who knows. I don't want to call a rematch, that would be absolutely silly. Why not the Marlins? I'm gonna go with the Marlins.

Interesting.

Yep, I'm gonna go with the Marlins. They added all those bats. In the off-season, they added a lot of players. Although you know what, the Nationals wouldn't be a surprising pick either, 'cause they've got good pitching now. And they've added a lot of bats, as well.

And they're sort of like where the Royals are allegedly gonna be in a year. Alllll those picks.

Mmm hmm.

Are coming up. Strasburg has looked pretty good so far; they've got…what's-his-nuts, attitude-problem hitting guy, what's that kid's name? Bryce Harper.

Bryce Harper, yes.

I mean, I don't want to hang out with him –

Sports Illustrated cover boy for, like, three years now? It's unreal.

Seriously. Okay, so your World Series is Rangers/Marlins.

I'm gonna say Marlins. Why not?

Why not. Any pleasant surprises so far this season?

The Mets!

…Okay.

Your beloved New York Mets! Playing — until today, playing really good fundamental baseball.

Well, they won, since the San Francisco Giants also failed to understand how to throw a baseball.

No, I'm gonna go with the Mets; I'm really really happy to see that they've had a really really good start. And can I say "really really" one more time? …I'm pleasantly surprised; I always thought their starting pitching was good enough, and now it seems like they've got these blue-collar hard-working kind of guys — um, not flashy, if you will. Not saying that Reyes was that kind of guy. Well, okay, yes he was, but you're seeing guys that are playing good fundamental baseball. Just looking at the dugout environment, looking at the dugout atmosphere! It looks like a dugout where these guys actually like each other and like playing with each other and are playing hard for each other. And you know, I'm not saying that they're gonna be one of the wild-card spots or anything like that, but –

They're not.

They're not, but they're playing good, and it's good to watch and I hope the fans start making their way out to Citi Field again. I hope to get out there a couple times.

Yeah, it's a good park, and I think once we get rid of some old contracts, like, I think we're finally done paying fuckin' Bobby Bonilla next year.

[laughter]

And you know, it depends — Johan is back —

Johan is back. Looks good.

Jonathan Niese I think has a chance to be a solid two or three starter, like, you know, in a real division.

Right.

Like on a real club he would actually be legit good, and there's some of the kids — like, let's face it, Duda and Murphy need to be traded to the American League –

Absolutely.

So they can Edgar Martinez their way into the sunset and we can get some fuckin' defense.

Yeah.

I wish they hadn't traded Pagan. It is what it is! I don't think it's gonna be that bad. ["I'm transcribing this after the Mets just got swept by Houston. Hargh." -- Ed.] It's gonna be bad. I don't think it's gonna be that bad.

And we just watched Mike Pelfrey throw eight really solid innings today, too.

Yeah. And then get NDed. That sucks. ["…HARRRGH!!" -- Ed.] Hey, Frank Francisco: don't do that to the head case.

Although today would be the Tejada/Nieuwenhuis combination of how not to play in the outfield/infield.

And the Terry Collins double-clutch. When I post this I will try to find a little animated .gif of Terry Collins.

Yes, that was a phenomenal reaction.

Trying not to shit his pants. Um, any un-pleasant surprises this season, either your team or someone else's?

Unpleasant surprises…ooh, wow. Hmm.

I don't even know what my answer would be to this one.

Yeah, this is tough. The fact that I've even said anything that is –

Braves, I would say. I mean, I don't think it's a huge surprise. It's just been unpleasant.

I don't want to — I guess I can say the Red Sox; I didn't expect them to have a great season this year, but four and ten, already, is really really bad. I mean –

Well, the Ellsbury thing has got to be –

It's so, I mean, that was a knife to the heart, from the start of the season forward.

That's not a good injury, for –

For the guy who, if the Red Sox won Game 162 last year, may have won the MVP. He was right there.

I think he got a lot of votes, too. I don't know how that finished, but –

Yeah, so, I mean, it’s not that I was expecting the Sox to have a great year this year; I was expecting them to be, you know, fighting for the wild-card spot? But the fact that they're not close to it right now is just really disappointing, the injuries and everything, and the fact that I've gone through all this not even mentioning how much I hate Bobby Valentine? That's the most disappointing thing — that I've gone this far without saying how much I hate Bobby Valentine already.

That is our final question…

Oh, what a segue!

"Dear interviewee, Tell the manager of your baseball club one thing."

Just one? You're limiting me to that much. Okay.

That one can be a bullet-pointed list.

Right. Here's what I would say to Bobby Valentine.

"Shut the fuck up."

Yeah, for one, shut the fuck up — okay, is that it? Was that my one thing?

I feel like you can get a lot in under that umbrella.

Well, one thing, first of all, make sure you sign a contract with a Boston radio station to do a weekly radio interview before you sign up to do one with frickin' Michael Kay on ESPN New York radio; that's the first thing that I would say to you. The second thing that I would say is, you are not Herb Brooks, the coach of the 1980 Miracle on Ice U.S Olympic team, and what I mean by that is this: supposedly he has alienated the dugout already, the clubhouse, he's got everybody lined up against him. But supposedly that's a managerial technique for bringing your team together and everything. Herb Brooks only had to do it for four months; you need to do it for — how long is your contract? five years? It may work for hockey in the amateur, Olympic sport; it doesn't work in professional baseball. That's what i would say to Bobby Valentine; you've got to be able to learn to actually communicate with some of the players in your dugout, and not alienate all of them, which you have already done so far.

Well, and being united against a common enemy is great, but that probably shouldn't be your field general, and extra innings — please share with us that Youkilis was Francona's stooge.

Yes. So apparently, from what I've heard, from my inside sources, i.e., things I've read on the internet –

"America's inside source."

Exactly. Obviously last year the Sox season culminated with this disastrous final month, and then when the season ended, every story was about "oh, they're eating beer and chicken in the locker room while the games are still going on" and such, and everything that I've — well, not everything, but the word that I have been reading about was that it was Kevin Youkilis who was actually the voice in Terry Francona's ear letting him know what was going on in the locker room.

The chicken tattletale?

Exactly.

Now was he tattling all the time, as things went on, or he tattled later?

I honestly don't know that; I don't know. But that was the reports that I've heard. And Kevin Youkilis might be the hardest-working guy on the Red Sox team, and the fact that when Bobby Valentine just called him out, Dustin Pedroia, who now basically is the unofficial captain of this team, was like the first one to rush to his defense, basically tells me that you know what, maybe the people in the Red Sox clubhouse really don't have such a thing against Kevin Youkilis. You know? So to call him out as being the person that's supposedly the snitch, if you will, just seems like a move right out of Larry Lucchino's mind.

It's one thing to be snitching to Francona, but — Francona's gone.

Right.

So I'm not sure how pertinent that is anyway.

Yeah, and it was made perfectly clear that Francona was gone yesterday when they introduced his name at the one-hundred-year Fenway Park celebration and he got a huge ovation, and then they announced Bobby Valentine and he got booed mercilessly — which basically just goes to show where the two of them stand.

I don't think Valentine is a terrible managerial choice in certain situations, but I think in this situation — like, I absolutely don't understand why he would go there, or why they would hire him. I don't get it from either side.

Can I go into the eleventh inning real quick? For one quick comment.

Yeah, sure.

My overall feeling, in regards to what's happened with the Red Sox from the end of last year to this year, and I'll make it quick, is in regards to how ownership has just botched everything, from the day that they let go of Francona to today. You don't let Terry Francona go and start bad-mouthing him immediately and leaking these stories to the press about how he's got a drug problem and how there might be women on the side. So poorly handled.

Then you basically hire a general manager in Ben Cherington, and the first move that he's supposed to make is to hire a manager, and Larry Lucchino oversteps him and hires Bobby Valentine.

That's some Wilpon shit, is what that is. I can tell you right now it's not gonna work.

Right. And then you go into this off-season and you make these trades that so far have not worked out in any way shape or form — you know, again, I was all for letting Papelbon go, but then you make these two trades and they're working out disastrously. It's not a good start for this — I look at it as, it's the same owners, it's the same president and everything, and yet I still look at it as kind of a new regime –

Because they're able to big-foot Cherington in way that –

Exactly.

That they couldn't bigfoot Epstein, apparently.

Exactly. And now they're getting their way, and now it's biting them right in the butt.

I feel that I should add, even though this is not my interview, that now that Papelbon is gone from the Red Sox, Andy Beckett — and Varitek retired –

Josh Beckett.

Josh Beckett…what did I call — why do I always do that?!

You did it last time!

I always call him "Andy Beckett." He looks like an Andy.

Is that a Shawshank Redemption name?

His name was Andy but his last name wasn't Beckett. What was his name? …Dufresne.

Dufresne!

"Dufresne! You're puttin' me behind!" Who is Andy Beckett? We're gonna look that up. The point is, whatever his first name is, that pube-chinned chicken-eating fuckwad has been promoted to my Most Hated Red Sock.

Now that Varitek has retired.

Andy Beckett is the Tom Hanks character in Philadelphia. BSD is a character his own self, and you can follow him on Twitter, @mikeyWMfree.

Welcome to Out With The Crowd, a series of interviews with fans of each of the 30 MLB teams about their hopes, frustrations, and predictions for the 2012 season.

In the leadoff spot is an Athletic supporter (…hee! I regret nothing) — Aaron Cameron, self-proclaimed "last one left on the Blogspot network" and frequent money-finisher in my annual postseason pool. You can follow him on Twitter as @ThatBootlegGuy, and if you enjoy bone-dry tweets about Little-League coaching, you should. I spoke to Aaron on Friday, April 27.

Sarah D. Bunting: Aight, let's get to it. What's your team's best acquisition from the off-season?

Aaron Cameron: Yoenis Cespedes. And the hyperbole that follows him everywhere!

And the spittle, as well. Who's the worst/your least favorite pickup from the off-season?

Ooh…let me think about that one. …Worst pickup: Seth Smith. My A's seem hell-bent on cornering the market on OFs with middling power and platoon issues. It's like we need a team of Ryan Sweeneys to replace the one we traded.

Nice segue to my next question: Who were you happiest to see go?

Segue indeed! Ryan Sweeney! Most A's fans loved him for his (empty) batting averages and decent, but overrated, defense. But he's clearly a fourth OF who had no business seeing a southpaw. So, of course, we got Josh Reddick as the short-term centerpiece in the deal that sent Sweeney and Andrew Bailey to Boston. Reddick's off to a Sweeney-esque start in Oakland, but he's quirky, hairy and watches WWE so he's still in the honeymoon period for casual A's fans.

Anyone you were sorry to see go?

Trading Gio Gonzalez to Washington hurt. The A's didn't draft Gio, but he spent some time in their system before making his debut. Watching him blossom into an AL All-Star last year — after years of watching his colossal meltdowns, emotional immaturity and unfulfilled promise — is one of those things that longtime fans like me really root for. I had to wait until I could take my son out for pizza before telling him we traded him.

GG is one of the only things about my fantasy team that doesn't make me want to kill myself. My condolences to your family. …What's your biggest worry or concern about the team in 2012?

Y'know, I made peace with the fact that this wasn't a good team. In a morbid way that helps me enjoy their games, as I can root for player development even if the wins aren't there. So, I guess the whole "where will they play" conundrum is my biggest concern. As long as they're left twisting in the wind by Bud Selig and his inertia on the whole San Jose stadium matter, they'll be a team without a plan, without a future and without the one thing every fan base wants: a modicum of hope.

Just as a side question, what's the basic timeline on that right now? Does someone have to pull a trigger by a certain time? Or is it kind of in committee?

The hold up is the SF Giants, who hold these ambiguous "territorial rights" to the San Jose market. They've refused to allow the A's entry, essentially.

So there's no deadline for the ambiguity, then. (Or "inertia," your word is better.)

Nope. Just lots of rumors that a deal is imminent and that's followed by furious press releases of denial from all parties.

Ugh. Well, let's move on to some predictions then. Where do you see your team finishing, wins-wise?

This is a 72-win team that'll likely, unfortunately, finish in fourth place. Especially if the Mariners can get some of their blue-chip minor leaguers to the bigs in the second half. They'll be competitive, but that offense is unwatchable at times.

What about your division — who do you see taking that?

Oh, it's the Rangers and it's probably not going to be close. I don't think Ron Washington is much of a manager, but he might finally stumble 'n' bumble his way to a World Series win if Texas can stay healthy and Ron can stay out of the way.

So you don't think the Angels are going to make a horse race out of it.

The Angels aren't as bad as their April record would indicate, but that's already a lot of ground for them to make up. Plus, as God-like as Pujols is (or, I guess, "eventually will be"), that's not a great offense around him. Torii Hunter is in decline, Vernon Wells is a smoldering corpse and Mark Trumbo's .290 OBP is the stuff of 1960s middle infielders.

So you think the Rangers can win it all this year? Is that your prediction for who takes the big prize?

They're the best team right now, but there's a lot of unpredictability about that team. Josh Hamilton could crash into the outfield wall and miss six weeks at any time. Nelson Cruz's legs could burst like water balloons. Yu Darvish could be the next in the long line of Japanese pitchers who start out hot but can't adapt to the six-month season of five-man rotations. That said, if they're healthy in October, I wouldn't bet against 'em.

Any pleasant (or unpleasant) surprises so far this season? On the A's or elsewhere.

Bartolo Colon would be the obvious answer in Oakland. I know he had a hot start with the Yankees last year, but yowza. Plus, for a guy who weighs a metric ton, he actually looks effortless when he pitches. Second biggest surprise is how much I enjoy Yoenis Cespedes's at-bats. From pitch to pitch, he can get fooled on a slider so badly that you'll be shaking your head. And then just when you've covered your eyes, he hits one 500 feet on the very next pitch

If you could tell the A's' manager one thing, what would it be?

He's supposedly a player's manager, so I'd tell him to call 2B Jemile Weeks into his office, close the door and say something to the effect of "One, quit doing that goddamn 'glove flip' to the shortstop on potential double-play balls. Two, you weigh 155 lbs. Quit trying to hit every fifth ball into the bleachers. Three, if you're trying to steal and get tagged out after sliding into and past the base just one more time, I'm going to be very unhappy."

Ha!

It has to be seen to be believed.

That could relate to my next (and last) question… What's your pet MLB peeve right now? Can be an A, an announcer, a trial, an ongoing story. What's buggin' ya. (What's bugging me: Ron Darling pretending Daniel Murphy's defense isn't repulsive.)

…!

"Better than Lucas Duda" is still bad, pal.

Well, let's see. I'm more annoyed by the return of the cartoon Orioles logo than I thought I'd be (so much white on their batting helmets!). And I'm always irked by writers who read any-thing into the slow/fast starts of usually good/bad players. But, really, there are few things that bug me more than the breathless in-game reporting and/or tweets that include the phrase "[Player X] is just a triple away from the cycle!" A triple. The rarest of the four offensive options, on average. And it's not close. Also, a cycle! Eric Byrnes hit for the cycle. So did Mike Lansing. And Eric Valent. This is not a feat, people!

Hilariously, Scott "No, The Other One" Hairston hit one on behalf of the Mets that very evening…in the losing course of an 18-9 shit-stomping courtesy of the Rockies.

I realized yesterday that I'd completely forgotten to set up a WS entry — and regretted that even more while watching Pujols collect a record 14 total bases. I mean, not that I enjoyed watching the Texas pitching staff get a can of that size opened on them, but at the same time, sometimes it's just a privilege.

Think the Cards have it in them? Praying for the first Ranger world title? Over it at this point? Let's hear it.

The TN Fall Classic II still needs your help! As of this writing, we've done a good bit — $1,001 — but we've still got 4K to go. Japan really got put through it this year, and that nation loves baseball almost as much as this Nation does. Your donation, no matter how small, could help repair fields, put a catcher in shin guards, and bring hope to diamond-loving kids, in Japan and all over the globe. You can stock a team with baseballs for an entire season, for just $80!

Anyone donating before midnight tonight (that's Tuesday 25 October) could win a Pitch In For Baseball cap; a Save The Day shirt; or an Amy March shirt. (Sizes limited on those, but I should be able to make you happy.) No need to forward your receipts; the page will track you on my behalf. (In a good, non-information-shary kind of a way.) Meanwhile, let's hope Nelson Cruz keeps hitting, because I'll give $5 for every homer he hits across the whole postseason.

If you want to set aside a penny for every stupid/baffling thing McCarver says, that's a handful of dollars by the top of the third! But if you have no pennies to spare, do me a favor and Tweet/FB the donation link. Thanks!

Another Suds Series! The Rangers get another shot at a ring! And the shit-talk is already underway with Greinke's comments about Carpenter? Awwwwwesome.

The LCSes could get pretty crazy; discuss everything from CJ's unsuitable celebrity crush to the Busch Squirrel's Twitter feed, right here.

It's the moooooost wonderful tiiiiiiime of the…you know, I think I make that joke vis-a-vis baseball when pitchers and catchers report, too. And on Opening Day. Well, the hell with it. It's true.

Welcome to your Division Series celebration/wails of despair thread. Make predictions, complain about your bullpen, wonder why you didn't pick Shoppach for your postseason pool (I'll be doing a lot of that, I suspect), suggest braiding schemes for Maddon's hair or spitting schemes for Wilson's curveball — we're here for you.

I had Texas in 3, but now I guess I'll say 4; Brewers in 4; Tigers in 5; Phillies straight sweep. Good luck, everyone, and here we go…

Wow. WOW.

I feel bad for Braves and Sox fans, I do. God knows I understand what it's like to watch a team floundering (although, when you give up hope of contending in, like, the 1800s, it's not as painful when it all goes, or stays, wrong). But it's probably the most exciting night of baseball I've witnessed. My favorite moment is a little hard to explain, but MLB Tonight had film of Harold Reynolds and Dan Plesac reacting to the Baltimore win and the Longoria homer with sheer boyish disbelieving joy — like, Reynolds is out of his chair and jumping around at the back of the set, unable to contain himself, and they have to do it completely silently because, at that moment, the network is rolling other footage onscreen with Greg Amsinger narrating it, so they have to freak out to each other without a sound until the action onscreen catches up. Plesac is cursing and looking all around like DID I JUST SEE THAT and he looks about 11 years old, and there's Reynolds sproinging around like Yosemite Sam in the background while Plesac flaps his arms. Delightful. (Thanks to Deadspin, you can see for yourself.)

And Amsinger — what a pro. He kept all those plates in the air last night no problem, and then, after everything had ended, they rolled Longoria's HR once more and I sat on the couch and just…laughed, because…what the hell. Amsinger probably had a scripted VO, but instead of talking, he just…laughed, because…what the hell. When they cut back to him, he shrugged all, "Baseball: it rules. What can I say."

And it's over for another year, regular-season-wise. I'll get some postseason open threads going later on, but let's wrap up the 162, shall we?

The Mets. Going into the season, I expected a sub-.400 effort — without assuming injuries to the stars, or that Johan Santana's arm would continue the process of falling off. That they flirted with .500 for most of the year and didn't give up on things (mostly) is a credit to the team, and to Collins. We got to see a few kids come up and make a difference, which is exciting and promising, and if Alderson can get some pitching over the winter, the Mets might make some gains next year.

I liked the moves I saw Alderson making; he dealt smartly with K-Rod and Beltran. I didn't sense the interference of Jeff "It's Like The Sims, Right?" Wilpon, so apparently he and Collins found a way to keep Junior at bay.

As far as the Reyes/batting-title flapdoodle from yesterday: the "Ted Williams would NEVER have" bah bah yammering is irrelevant. Ted Williams "would never" do a lot of things, because Ted Williams is a dead guy, so leave him out of it. Players and managers have tried to game the batting-average crown since the dawn of time (see: Cobb v. Lajoie, 1910), but you always have people who consider a player acting in his own individual interests a violation of some sandlot code that is not necessarily going to pertain to a professional in the entertainment business. Fans have romantic notions about honor and fire in the belly; players have jobs to do. Get over it. I mean, yes, baseball has wonderful, thrilling hero arcs, and I like to get misty about the narrative better than anyone — but it's Reyes's career, and he's maneuvering himself into a position to get a big raise. He wants a batting title, and to not re-injure the hamstring. Should he have stayed in the game longer from a 162nd-game, fan-service standpoint? Probably. But the fans who boo him for leaving the game — and then boo Turner for coming in, like, they do need to field a complete nine out there, assholes — will boo him for everything, forever.

Reyes had an exciting year, he has superstar talent, and he is just not going to give you 150 games a year. Wherever he ends up, they'd better have their eyes open about that.

Overall, an encouraging season. I look forward to 2012. And not just to watch the Mets…

Guillen to the Marlins. Ozzie Guillen managing Logan Morrison and Hanley Ramirez. I just…I can't wait! It's like a human Pop-Rocks-and-Coke experiment! I may teach myself to lip-read Spanish over the winter, just to get more out of that soap opera.

Grading the SI predictions. Every year, I swear I'll save the Sports Illustrated baseball preview so I can check their work at the end of the season; this year, I actually prevented myself from recycling it on April 10th, although I almost threw the issue away about a hundred times after that because I resented the stupid Phillies staring up at me from the side table with their stupid smug awesome-pitcher-y faces. (I may have Sharpied a peen onto Oswalt. I'm not proud of it.) (The peen itself, I mean. It looks like a failed rocket prototype. I suck at drawing.)

SI made a lot of predictions that didn't work out, but most of them made total sense at the time, even if I didn't entirely agree (Bosox v. Giants in the World Series, for instance — thought Philly would probably get that gig, but had no real problem with the San Francisco guess). Almost everyone called the AL East for Boston; almost nobody thought Carl Crawford would suck as loudly as he did (SI had him for an MVP contender), or that Posey would go out for the season and nobody else would hit. SI had the Twins winning the AL Central, and I concurred at the time — you know that way the Twins have of puttering around in the far reaches of the standings for four months and then you turn around and they're right behind you. Even when Liriano went down, I didn't think it would get as bad as it got.

Still, the subhed biffed it pretty badly: "Remember the Comedy Central awash so long in mediocrity and midsized payrolls? It's now a high-rent district — and the Twins rule." Except it wasn't, and they didn't; after the Indians finally fell to earth, they were giving that lead away with a free toaster for like six weeks; nobody could pull it together and win. It's more like the Tigers sucked less.

Other understandable but incorrect guesses included King Felix repeating as Cy Young winner; "I don't expect a drop-off from [Ichiro!] at all"; the Mets dead last in the NL East and the Marlins not spitting every bit in the stable; Heyward as an MVP candidate (Braves fans: what's going on with that guy? I wanted that to come true. I like Heyward. Is he still hurt? What's with the .319 OBP? He looks lost out there); the Reds repeating as tops of the NL Central and Votto as an MVP contender; Berkman as a major mistake for St. Louis (totally cosigned that at the time; totally love that Pumes went on a diet, batted like 4.382 for springtime, and made us all eat it — good for that guy); the Rockies in the hunt; and of course the Diamondbacks in dead last. Arizona has looked better than their record to me for a couple of years, so I'd have called them to finish at .500, but first? No way. "Baseball Today" started mentioning Ian Kennedy in July, probably, and I just assumed that it was a different Ian Kennedy, and the one I'd seen with the Yankees died or went to business school or something. Nobody could have predicted that.

Or this: "Adam Dunn brings balance. He'll strike out, but he's a threat to make something happen every time he's up. He is going to get on base and score a lot of runs." Oh, dear.

But that's why they play the games, as they say, and SI got a lot of things right — the decline of Chase Utley; various RoY hopefuls. The only inexplicable prediction in retrospect is the Athletics winning the AL West, which I didn't get even then, since even SI didn't think they'd hit much and I saw no reason — save maybe the Angels — that Texas wouldn't dominate again in '11.

We'll see each other back here for cheering/sackcloth throughout the postseason; get those bets ready, because it's almost time to raise a little money for Pitch In For Baseball. In the meantime — how ya feelin'? Need to hate on Fredi or defend Francona? Worried about your team's postseason chances? Are you the Astros fan? (hee. I'm sorry! They were good not that long ago!) Let it out. Let it allllll out.