Over the years I've seen the Vine readers come through for many people on hard-to-find or discontinued items, so I'm hoping they can help me. Basically, I need new underwear!

For years I was a bikini-underwear girl, but once I started working in the professional world and began wearing dress pants and skirts, I didn't like the visible panty lines they gave me. I then discovered Hanes women's boxer briefs, which were really, really comfortable and didn't give visible panty lines or wedgies. Of course, over the last year or so they phased them out, and now don't seem to make them at all. Bummer (don't even get me started on my favorite things being discontinued!). So now I have a drawerful of boxer briefs that have seen better days, and I'm getting desperate.

I've tried several other styles of underwear, but they all feel really strange on me, give horrible panty lines and the dreaded wedgie. I figured "boy shorts" would be a close match, but those seem to be the worst fit. I'm a normal-sized woman with a normal-sized butt, so I don't have any issues there. I prefer all-cotton undies, or maybe cotton with a touch of spandex/lycra, but not much. Hopefully yonder Vine folk can assist.

Kat from Jersey hates a wedgie!

My husband and I have a casual friend who is a musician in Eastern Europe. We are not very close and don't keep in touch regularly; we met several years ago at a folk-dancing event and see him every year or so at similar events. On the other hand he is a nice guy, and when we do run into him he is always very friendly to us (he showed us around his city when we visited in 2009, invited us to his wedding, etc.).

Cut to 2012, when we receive a package from him in the mail: a copy of his latest CD. We are pleased for him, and it was nice of him to think of us (my husband is also a musician so it was probably sent partly out of professional courtesy). However, the title of the CD is in English, and contains a major mistake. I don't want to give away the title in case he Googles himself but a word that should be pluralized is written with the possessive apostrophe before the S. It is definitely not intentional, but rather the result of English being his second language (and presumably that of whomever he asked to proofread for him). As far as we know, the CD is self-produced.

Should we say anything? Assuming he hasn't already found out about the mistake from someone else, us letting him know about the error could potentially allow him to correct it on future albums. On the other hand, if he has sunk his life savings into several thousand of these puppies and has no way to make any more, it might be kinder to spare him the embarrassment and let it be. For all we know, most of his audience might be his fellow non-native English speakers and might not catch the error anyway.

If he were a close friend I would likely say something but we don't know him that well and are not sure how to approach this.

What do you think?

Hem's and Haw's

Dear Hem,

Don't say anything. If it were a closer friend, or you knew he could correct the mistake (either now or in a future printing), or he asked you directly if you liked the design or had spotted any English-usage errors in the text, I might answer differently. I mean, certainly if somebody had spotted a brick like that on the label of the GBC CDs, I'd have sat down with a Sharpie and hand-corrected every single one — but based on what I do as part of my living, I'd have to.

But so many native English speakers make that mistake that, although it's right in the title and like a fingernail on a chalkboard to those of us who know it's incorrect, it's unlikely to be fatal to his reputation. He's a musician, not an ESL teacher, and if he spent a significant amount of his own money getting these done, knowing the title contains a usage biff is only going to give him agita.

If you find out that he's creating another batch, you could consider mentioning, very gently, that the English in the title is not correct, and that you're sure nobody cares or judges him — certainly you don't — but you wanted to mention it, just in case.

Otherwise, though, this kind of thing — CD covers, book jackets, printed programs for friends' shows, et al. — is like baby names: unless you are asked, in so many words, for your opinion, your only response is "that's lovely — congratulations."

I am on the hunt for the perfect work bag. I have tons of large shoulder purses that would work, but I do a lot of walking and have a lot of stuff in my bag, and the shoulder purses always strain my back/neck/shoulder area too much.

I went to a conference last summer and part of the welcome package was a canvas-like messenger bag. This is PERFECT. It's light and holds everything I need. The problem is that it's bright red and has the conference information printed big and bold. I am a graduate student who teaches classes and works, so I want something more professional and that distinguishes me as not just a student. Essentially, I am on the hunt for a grown-up messenger bag.

I'd prefer under $50 but am willing to pay a bit more (no more than $100). I have checked Target, TJ Maxx, Marshall's, Amazon and DSW with no luck.It does not have to be leather (faux-leather is fine), but I do not want soft cloth or what is clearly a laptop messenger bag. I'd also rather not have a print on it. I'd prefer something that is not too heavy on its own, but am more concerned with it being able to hold lots of stuff and also be cross-body.

Any help from you or the readers will be great!

This Red Bag Clashes With My Purple Jacket

Dear Red,

I would try Zappos and Endless, if you haven't already — a quick Zappos search of messenger bags priced $50 or under turned up this cute quilted one and several dozen others — or Google "blank messenger bag." Companies like Branders often offer plain messenger bags and totes, so one of those might work for you.

L.L. Bean also has this one; it could be too casual, but Bean stuff tends to last forever.

And last but certainly not least, this exhaustive list from the readers from back in the day.

Readers? Any specific brands?

I am a longtime reader and have honestly found myself in an anxiety-creating moral pickle (so to speak…though being in a literal moral pickle might be rather nice!).

Here is the short version: I was in a relationship with someone for two years. In that time, I helped him get settled in NYC, let him stay with me rent-free until he found an apartment, lent him my furniture and paid for every date. This isn't relevant, but we are both young gay men. I did these things because I have a well-paying job and my boyfriend did not.

However, when I lost my job, my boyfriend picked up some of the slack and paid for my rent for a few months and bills, etc. A few months later, we broke up. It was both of our faults, but he technically broke up with me. I let him have our shared apartment and most of the furniture.

Over a year has passed, and now he wants me to pay him back for the rent he insisted on paying for me so I wouldn't be stressed about losing my job. It was an incredibly sweet gesture, and I would love to pay him back, but I am still on unemployment and owe a dear friend almost two thousand dollars after a sleazy landlord milked me out of my security and last month's rent. I feel like that debt should be tended to first, and when I land a job I can pay back the money my ex feels I owe him. But all of my friends say that I don't owe him a thing because what happens in a relationship stays in the relationship. Are relationships like Vegas?

Perplexed and in a pickle

Dear Pickle,

I'd say this one is more like the Yukon, because your ex's shit is cold. Heh.

…Okay, seriously: I agree with your friends, mostly, for a few reasons. First, you had already basically done the same for him and not expected any formal repayment. Granted, the circumstances were somewhat different; the relationship was in a happier place, "staying with" is more amorphous in terms of assigning it a dollar value than "paying the rent for," blah blah blah. But that would seem to have evened things up between you, as far as one partner taking care of the other financially — not put you in a hole.

Second, he ended the relationship. This is a technicality; the fact that he's occupying the apartment you shared and using the furniture you jointly purchased (I assume) is not.

And lastly, yeah, I'd have to say that, within a relationship, fiscal arrangements or trades of this type work the same way as they do among family members: you don't spend or lend any money you expect to get back. And if you do expect to get it back, you formalize its status as a loan, with a letter and a repayment schedule that you both sign. I have done it with boyfriends several times, going in either direction, and it might sound unromantic or distrustful, but nothing kills trust (or a boner) like one partner seething over an interpretation or an unspoken timeline involving money. It's so much better just to take that off the table permanently — and obviously you don't have to notarize every single side table or take-out order. But if it's thousands of dollars and you can anticipate it causing an issue, put it in writing.

You didn't do that, which is fine, most people don't, live and learn. But by the same token, you…didn't do that. So, I don't know if Ex has legal standing here; he can ask you to pay him back, or passive-aggressively let you know that he thinks you should; I don't know whether he can compel it without going to small claims, at which time presumably you could point out that he lived with you rent-free, has all your chairs, and so on.

That said, when I say "mostly" up at the top there, it's because I don't know the dollar figures involved. If "bills, etc." is ten grand in trips to Rio or something, it's probably appropriate for you to ask him to name a reasonable figure; to sign off, in writing, on that figure; and to let him know that you'll repay that agreed-on figure after you get a job and address the other debt to your friend.

Again, I don't know the legalities here, but if all you're asking me is, "Should he just let the shit go and move on?" then yes, I think he should. You don't have the money in the second place, and even if you did, unless it's thousands of dollars that he couldn't spare (and evidently he could, at the time), writing it off as the cost of relationships and moving on is his best move.

I have a question about a topic I know is near and dear to you — snacks! Well, snacks and other food, and I'm hoping the TN readers can help with some suggestions.

I'm fat, and while I'd like to lose some weight, my main concern is not gaining any more weight this semester or going broke buying fast food. I've gone back to school, and part of my program basically involves picking up a math degree. I work for my college running our Math Center, and all of my friends are in either math or engineering classes. We're all crazy, obsessive high-achievers, so we generally spend every hour during the day that we aren't in class working together on homework in the Center, so even when I'm not working, I'm in there.

Bottom line, I leave my house at 7:45 AM, work until I have class at 11:00, have 30 minutes off for lunch, then either work or have class in the afternoon for a few hours. I'm usually in the Math Center until 7:00 working with my classmates if I'm not on the clock, then I head home, except for Wednesdays when I have a 6:00-9:00 night class. All of this takes place in the same building, and we're at a small commuter school with a terrible dining hall. We have some decent coffee carts/kiosks, but they're expensive.

I can't afford to keep eating subs and pizza with the guys every day (for the sake of my wallet and my waistbands), and those are the only options close to campus. I also try not to leave and come back during the day, both because I don't have a lot of time between shifts, classes, and getting my own work done, and because after 9:00 AM parking is impossible. In short, I'm out of the house and in one building roughly 12 hours a day.

I'm looking for ideas for food that either comes pre-packaged or that I can portion and package myself. I have a little space in the Math Center to keep food, but we don't have a refrigerator or a sink on our floor. Everything needs to be shelf-stable, essentially. There is a microwave and a water fountain, so I can do things like oatmeal cups and soup.

I don't want to deal with washing and reusing plates, cups, or bowls since I'm there all day and there's no convenient place to wash them. I also would like some food that can keep me going all day that is better for me than the chips and candy bars in the vending machine.

Last semester, I kept a supply of:

• Instant oatmeal in single serving cups — they're more expensive than packets, but so convenient; I plan to keep using those
• Easy Mac — easy, but gross
• Peanut-butter crackers
• Granola bars
• Clif bars

I plan to keep bringing the last three, and adding nuts, but I need some variety and I need something more substantial most days. If I had a fridge and a sink, I'd be fine, but without those, I'm a little stuck. I'm looking for high-protein, portable, reasonably healthy food that I can eat while walking around the room working, walking between classes, or while trying to figure out differential equations and triple integrals at a table full of always-hungry college boys.

Suggestions?

Hungry for more than knowledge

This might be a "friendships have a lifespan" question, but it seems a little more complicated than that, and I could use some perspective.

"C" and I have been friends since college. She is a year younger than me, and we're both musicians, and we both play the same instrument. C has also been fighting an ongoing battle with cancer for years, even before I knew her. She is currently in remission, but it has been the type of disease that pops up again when she is least expecting it. I tried to be there for her as much as possible. She's a fighter, and has done remarkably well in all areas of her life in spite of major hurdles (the cancer is only one, and doesn't include family issues, religion/sexual-identity issues, etc).

C has been a wonderful friend to me in most ways. I went through some tough times: my mother got cancer three times (she is okay, thank heaven), my relationship of five years collapsed, I lost a job. She was there through it all, talking with me on the phone, knowing exactly the right things to say, visiting me, cheering me up. Sometimes I even thought we had some sort of weird psychic connection, because she'd always call uncannily soon after something major happened in my life. She, and many other close friends, even took a special trip to see me run my first marathon, flying hundreds of miles just to be there for me on the big day. I really love her a lot, and because of this closeness, it makes it much harder to address the things that are wrong.

The only way to describe my feelings after a visit with C, in spite of all the above, is this way: I feel worthless. Since we've met, she's always been one step ahead of me in every way. It might seem at first that my discomfort has to do with jealousy, or resentfulness that she's succeeded where I haven't yet, but I'm…not sure that's true in this case. For one thing, I am succeeding, though I'm taking a slightly different path (I specialize in a different musical field than she, though we play the same instrument). I also have many other very successful friends in the same field, and they don't make me feel this way at all.

Let me be more specific: whenever she visits, she talks about her current accomplishment or career issues CONSTANTLY. There was literally no point in 24 hours during her last visit during which she wasn't talking/asking advice about her new job. Then, when she met my friends and boyfriend, she proceeded to talk about it more, rehashing the same things she told me. She has a very magnetic personality, and most people are understandably awestruck by her. Somehow, during these group conversations — and I don't even know how to explain this in writing — I start to feel very small. She told my roommate about a very degrading name a boy called me in college that I hadn't thought about for years. My friends, who never act this way when she's not here, suddenly make little jokes at my expense, bringing up things from my past or poking at a part of my personality, all in a friendly, "nothing serious, just having fun," kind of way. Even my mother wrote an email to her friend saying how much less "picky" my friend C is than myself, and look at all the exciting things she has done while I have not!

Sars, when I re-read what I wrote, I look like a jealous, underachieving, over-sensitive little whiner. What I'd like to address is that I DO feel like that when I spend a lot of time with her. All the negative parts of my personality, all my insecurities, come out. I feel like a failure, and I feel like the worst version of myself.

Since that last visit 6 months ago, I distanced myself from her. I stopped looking at her Facebook page or following what she was doing. I haven't called her. There's been virtually no contact at all. I hadn't been feeling insecure, my career was going well, I didn't worry what other people thought about me…basically, I just felt like a normal person living life and enjoying it.

She emailed me the other day and asked if I wanted to catch up, maybe take a trip together with one of our mutual friends from college.

What do I do? Eventually she, or someone else, will ask what's wrong. Then I'll have to tell her what I'm telling you, which she might just perceive as, "L is too insecure to be my friend." But that's NOT me, at least it's not me in normal life. Maybe it's just me around her. Or would she be right? Is there something wrong with me, some issue I have to address that doesn't actually have to do with her? Should I suck it up and try to push down those feelings, because of all the other great things about her and the wonderful things she's done for me? Am I being immature? Oversensitive? Or could she really be subtly trying to compete with me and push my buttons, even subconsciously?

She's a good person. She's had a crazy difficult life. She deserves good things. I'm just not sure I can do this anymore.

Any insight would be wonderful.

Tired Of Analyzing It, Already

Dear Tired,

This is actually pretty simple, I think. C is a good person, as you say, who has had a crazy difficult life. She's also a self-absorbed conversation hog who isn't above passive-aggressive putdowns to get "in" with the group at your expense. She's also a loyal, helpful friend who's attuned to you in certain unique ways.

The friendship could in fact have reached the end of its natural lifespan, but it's more likely that it's your patience that's at an end — but you haven't pushed back on some of C's ickier behavior, because you feel guilty about thinking she's being an attention whore who should shut the fuck up with the hurtful-nickname dredging project. Because she had cancer! And you don't have the right to think she's acting a fool!

Well, of course you do. You can think whatever you want, and you do have the right to steer the subject to Not C after an hour or so; you should start doing that. You have the right to tell her that she may think that nickname is funny, but you found it hurtful then, and you find it hurtful that she'd bring it up at your expense now. You have the right to let her know that, while you love her and you appreciate her friendship, some of her behavior makes you feel like shit — because that's how it is with friends. People are complicated. Fiercely loyal, hypocritical, hardworking, tardy, brave, nurturing, snotty about feminism, hilarious, and a vulgarian: this is one person I know, and I keep knowing her, even though sometimes there's yelling, because she's awesome and I love her. That's the aw/argh beauty of friends, really; the mutual understanding of imperfection. You did the right thing taking a break, I'd say, but nothing really changed because nothing really happened, and what probably has to happen is that you have to get annoyed, out loud, and trust the friendship to survive it. And if it's worth keeping, it does. Comes out stronger, in fact.

What you do in the short term, vis-à-vis C's email: say you'd love to catch up; don't respond about the trip, but if it comes up, you don't think you can make work with your schedule. And when it's time to chat on the phone or whatever, mention the nickname thing, explain that it bothered you, resist the urge to apologize for getting annoyed, accept her apology, and try to move on.

If you want to move on, that is. You don't have to want that. But if you don't want to lose the friendship, you get into a headspace where you accept that 1) various interpersonal habits of hers ("dick tics," as we call them at Far Thill) give you an emotional blister from time to time, but it doesn't make her a bad friend overall, necessarily; and 2) not liking these habits and expressing that fact doesn't make you a bad friend either.

Nobody's perfect. Try to let that fact build trust within the friendship.

"No offense, Vine, but you smell kinda funny."

My younger sister is about to have her first baby. I am thrilled for her and have been very supportive — gave her all my baby gear, lots of advice (mostly when asked for, heh), threw her a shower, etc. We have very different interests and lifestyles, so we have never been super close; nevertheless we get along well and see each other fairly frequently.

The problem: Sis's husband has hoarding issues — his parents are hoarders, and he has shown symptoms of the same anxiety disorder for a while now. Sis is a poor organizer and is not too partial to housekeeping herself…which is a bad combination when paired with BIL. It used to just be really messy, but it has snowballed into a disaster. As in, the house was piled sky-high in places and there were just little paths through the piles. We learned this about a year ago, shortly before she became pregnant. We didn't know it had gotten so bad.

Sis has been telling us they "are working on it" and didn't need help. My mom has been up to her eyeballs in other major work/life/elderly-parent crises, and believed her. I was focused on my mom and my own baby, so I let Sis alone about it, too. Then about six weeks go, Mom finally went over, and…it's still awful. Better, just a bit, but not a place where you want a baby to live.

Mom and I have been helping them over the past few weekends. It's unimaginably filthy. Crap everywhere (literally — they have a ton of animals, and the carpet is beyond disgusting). The smell is foul. The bathrooms and kitchen have not been cleaned in probably two or three years. The piles are definitely smaller…but they are still everywhere. And it seems like as soon as I unearth one spot, the next weekend, other stuff ends up there all over again. They have no clue how to organize things, and they both have ADD on top of it, so they never complete an area.

To top things off, they do not get the seriousness of the situation. I look around, and calculate the fact that Sis is having a baby in two weeks, and I start to panic. But Sis and BIL are beyond nonchalant about it. They are acting like it is totally normal to live this way, and nothing is wrong. It's like they don't see it. Actually, if it was just the piles, I don't think I would be so upset. It's the absolute filth of the place that riles me up. The idea that they are perfectly content to live in such a skin-crawlingly disgusting environment frightens me.

I could go on but I am sure you get the idea. Here are the issues, as I see them:

1) It is NOT safe or sanitary to have a baby in that house. Especially once he starts crawling. (EWWWW!!!!)
2) Mom and I can clean it all we want, but it's unlikely that it will stay that way unless Sis and BIL get serious help.
3) Sis and BIL are in denial about it so they won't get help.
4) I have my own house to keep up with and have no desire to take on cleaning and organizing for my sister on a permanent basis. Not to mention the amount of time this would take me away from my own two kids. Not acceptable.
But 5) there is a BABY that will be living there. How on earth can I leave a child to live in that filth???

Frankly, I don't see much changing. I think my mom will end up over there pretty frequently keeping things in order. And my mom is stressed out enough as it is. I can't let her shoulder the burden of my sister's house without helping.

Someone is going to say in the comments that i should call DFACS. But, I think Sis and BIL are going to be very loving, good parents, other than their disaster of a house, and I have trouble with the idea of calling DFACS or some such agency that is going to take their child away. That's a horrible thought to me. It's not something I would do without exhausting every other avenue.

I guess my question is, what's the best way for me to handle this situation? What is appropriate where the child is involved? How do I set limits? And what should those limits be? I know this is going to be an ongoing issue…I am trying to figure out what to do.

I Am Thankful That My Junk Drawer Pales In Comparison

Dear Junk,

I didn't know where to begin with this letter — the hoarding, the underlying mental-health issues, who's going to help, can anyone help — even without the idea that a newborn is coming home to that environment. Add in a baby, who crawls and puts things in his mouth…not only is it a bad situation, it's an emergent one.

So, I took a chance and forwarded your email to Matt Paxton. If you don't know Paxton from Hoarders, you may remember him vaguely from a certain poll that he won (…aw, poor Chalmers), and he mentions TN occasionally on his podcast, 5 Decisions Away. He's an extreme cleaning specialist who, just from long experience, is going to have better insight into what works and what doesn't with a family dynamic like this.

To my grateful relief, he addresses your letter on this week's episode, #27 ("The Sure Thing"); you can also download/subscribe for free on iTunes. The answer begins at about the 1:08:30 mark. If you haven't listened to 5DA before, understand that it's not rated G; I mention this because there's a running gag involving a pearl necklace that gets a callback right after the letter portion. "Oh, I love jewelry!" Yeah, it's not…that. So. Just so you know.

But even if that breed of crassness is tough for y'all, give Paxton's answer a listen anyway. He has suggestions about social services that I wouldn't have thought to make — and most of the episode is listener mail, so there's a lot of useful responses to other listeners that might help also. (There's also a note from a TWoP reader a few minutes before this letter; Paxton thinks TWoP is hilarious, but I don't think he knew the connection. Semi-circle of love! Hee.)

Anyway, I hope Paxton's answer helps you out, and maybe the readers have some experience with trying to navigate a hoarder sibling that they can share.

My daughter told me today that she really, really, really does not want to participate in her upcoming high-school graduation ceremony. I think I'm okay with this, but…

On the one hand I am thrilled to not have to sit through a three-to-four-hour ceremony (she goes to a giant high school with something like 650 kids in her class — they hold the ceremony in the arena where our NBA team plays) just to watch her cross the stage for four seconds.

On the other hand there are the grandmas, who likely won't understand why we would even consider letting her skip this milestone/ritual/tradition. One of the grandmas is my mother, who apparently has a sore spot about graduations; she read Jeffrey Eugenides's new book and called me in a snit about the way the (fictional) characters treated their (fictional!) parents at their (did I mention this was fictional?) graduation from Brown. Turns out, she was still harboring some anger at me because of how I treated her at my own non-fictional college graduation (24 years ago!) (which was exactly how many college seniors treats their parents at graduation — a little annoyed, a little embarrassed but mostly totally self-absorbed and oblivious). So I will have to deal with that all over again, and I'm not looking forward to it. I assume we will still have some kind of celebration so perhaps that will placate her, but in the meantime there will be much judging.

On the other, other hand, I wonder if I should push back a little and encourage (perhaps make?) my daughter go. Her attitude is a bit hard for me to relate to, because I loved high school and loved graduation — sharing that experience with my classmates and friends for the last time together. She is much more like her father, who didn't attend any of his graduations, has no regrets and thinks this is the best idea ever. But maybe she will look back in 10 or 20 years and wish she had gone? Or does no one ever do that?

With all these hands and all this obvious overthinking on my part, I'd love to get your take on the situation and have the readers weigh in. Is it as simple as letting the kid do what she wants and standing my ground with my mom? Is there a secret fourth hand I haven't considered?

Yes, I've Noticed That All My Vine Questions Involve My Parents In Some Way

Dear Way,

What I remember of my graduation days is almost exclusively the other dramas going on at the time: the revelation that my boyfriend was cheating on me with three other people, including a classmate (high school); my parents finding out about my possession arrest (college). The prevailing mood in both cases was "OMFG can we just get this shit over with," and I suspect that it still pertains, even if you don't have infidelity or misdemeanor drug charges floating around. At that point in the process, the grad mostly wants to get the damn diploma and start her summer job/stop knowing various assholes she's been billeted with for four years, and even for the proud parents, as you said, it's four seconds of photo op that somehow eats up an entire day of sweating in dress-up clothes.

But we have rituals for a reason, and it does put a period on a time in one's life, so it's not completely worthless — if you find customs valuable in that way, and the thing is, the grandmas do. The fam wants to take the pictures and admire/pick out a frame for the diploma, and come together for the occasion (or just an occasion), and as someone who had to deliver her valedictory address 20 minutes after threatening to kick two other people to death, in a white dress, before it started pouring rain? Yeah, I'd have skipped that shit if it had been an option, but in the end, it was worth doing; I'd gone to the school for 12 years…and my grandmother didn't get to see my college graduation. It's not just about Daughter finishing high school. It's about the rest of the family marking the occasion of her leaving childhood. And about keeping the peace, which as an adult she's going to have to weigh the costs of, without you buffering it for her.

So, that's how I'd put it to your daughter. You agree it's an ass-tear, and she probably won't be missing anything for herself if she skips the ceremony. But it means a lot to her grandmother(s), so it is still Daughter's choice — but if she chooses to bail on walking, she is therefore also choosing to explain it to your mother, because you ain't doing it. Up to her.

Honestly, though, I don't think there's a "wrong" here for any of you. You may want to sit your mother down in advance and apologize, separately, for being a dicksmack at your own graduation, just so that's done with and isn't getting mixed up with your daughter's decisions, but other than that, I don't think any of the choices is going to cause huge regrets in 20 years.

Since you have so many well-traveled and/or UK-based readers, I thought this time-sensitive issue I've been puzzling over would be perfect for an Ask the Readers. In short, the Life Partner and I will be traveling to the U.K. from the U.S. at the end of July 2012 for his close friend's wedding. The wedding itself is on the coast in Cornwall (the day after the Opening Ceremonies), but we have an opportunity to a) stay in the center of London affordably for a few days after the wedding and b) obtain some free passes to an Olympics event or two. 

The questions are: Should we? Will the city be crowded to the point of being unenjoyable during the Olympics? We've booked some preliminary accommodations that can be changed and wouldn't be too much of a loss to cancel altogether, but soon we need to make more expensive decisions including plane tickets. Given that I'm the sort of person to evacuate a city I live in when a big event comes to town, are we crazy to be heading into the belly of the beast? Any recommendations for non-Olympic/non-"major tourist trap" things to do in London if we do go? Thanks!

C

I'm not the parent, but a very supportive godmother to my goddaughter, who is a sophomore dance and biology major. She is highly motivated, takes a heavy course load, is making all As, and realistic about what it takes to get ahead in the dance world.

In a recent chat with her father he told me he is planning on driving 4 hours to see our girl in a performance. He is upset that she is not going to ask her teachers if she can skip rehearsal or leave early in order to spend more time with him on the weekend (performances are on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday). I think this is an unreasonable request and definitely sends the wrong message about the importance of school and classes.

The more I think about this, the more it bothers me. It would be different if he were asking her to skip a lecture for which she could get notes, or a lab which could be rescheduled. I think that missing a rehearsal or cutting it short would adversely affect the entire group and such a request would make a bad impression on the teacher. Her father is aware that dance teachers are very important for providing recommendation letters and mentioned that his daughter already had glowing recommendation letters to study dance during her year abroad. He doesn't seem to make the connection that her current behavior will still affect future letters.

His attitude that she should put his visit ahead of her educational commitments strikes me as selfish. He says that it is no more than the courtesy he would show by trying to leave work meetings early or reschedule them in order to have more time with a visitor. Am I off base here?

Which should come first, the rooster or the dance egg?

Not-So-Fairy Godmother

Dear God,

I agree that it's poor form for your goddaughter to skip rehearsals for the very performance her father is coming to town to attend. I also agree that Dad is behaving somewhat selfishly in insisting that she hit pause on her daily life, instead of just coming to support her and spending quality time with her on another trip.

But it's between them, isn't it? And your goddaughter evidently set a boundary with his requests, to wit: she's maintaining her schedule. I mean, any number of variables could lead me to think that 1) she's being standoffish and/or a bad host, or 2) he's being irrational and self-absorbed, but I don't know any of those variables. Whether he's justified in his take on the sitch or not, she's not budging, so…what do you want me to say? Sure, maybe he's selfish, but do you want me to agree with you? Or do you want me to give you permission to say as much to him?

I think he should go and support her and not attach any strings or expectations to the visit, and maybe not get bent out of shape when his kid takes him for granted because: welcome to parenting. But Goddaughter has it handled, and what you may see as taking her side by pointing out his selfishness is not helpful. Feel what you feel, have your opinion, stay out of it.