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Home » Culture and Criticism

N Cereal AA Round of 64, Flight 1: The Classics

Submitted by on June 23, 2009 – 12:41 PM106 Comments

snaprackpop

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1 Rice Krispies vs. 16 Post Toasties. Look, you guys. I’m not from your crazy country. You can tell the truth: “Post Toasties” are something Buntsy made up, right? Or, like, lifted out of The Road To Wellville? …They’re real? Well, can you make squares out of them with butter and marshmallows? Thought not. Rice Krispies in a landslide.[“I agree, while resenting the implication.” — Bunting]

8 Wheaties vs. 9 Shredded Wheat. Wheaties has made a pretty smart call by using various sports heroes to distract you from its bland flavour. Shredded Wheat? Really no better, but plays well with a cut-up banana or generous dusting of sugar. Never Eat Shredded Wheat? Shut up, mnemonic for the cardinal compass points. Sometimes eat Shredded Wheat.

5 Corn Flakes vs. 12 Cocoa Krispies. If this were a box art contest — maybe it is, for you — there would be no question which product would be victorious. The Corn Flakes rooster is an iconic brand element and has been for, like, a hundred years. But as for the cereal…ehhhhhh. It gets soggy five seconds after you pour the milk on it. And, again: Cocoa Krispies can be made into squares. Corn Flakes cannot. I’m out.

4 Lucky Charms vs. 13 Kix. “Kid-tested, mother-approved” may seem like an R&D process that represents all relevant stakeholders, but you’ll note that just because kids test Kix does not necessarily mean they approve it. Lucky Charms, on the other hand, are almost certainly neither mother-tested nor -approved. But you know who does approve a cereal with damn marshmallows in it? Me. And, I think, you.

6 Frosted Mini-Wheats vs. 11 Product 19. I’m not so sure how this one will come out, because I’m used to the Canadian version of the Frosted Mini-Wheat, which is vastly superior to its U.S. counterpart. (See also: Corn Pops.) The Canadian M-W has a thicker allotment of frosting, which helps the wheat component to maintain its structural integrity as it sogs up in milk; the frosting on a Yankee M-W, in my experience, just tends to dissolve in milk. Unsatisfying. On the other hand, Product 19 freaks me out because of the Paul Hardcastle song “19.” (“Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nineteen.”) So Mini-Wheats is my pick, under protest.

3 Cheerios vs. 14 Golden Grahams. I sort of feel like it’s regressive of me to throw my support behind a food that has been so thoroughly co-opted by the baby community, but Cheerios are really good. Health benefits aside, their simple oaty goodness blends well with toppings of all sorts. Also, Jacques Torres, downstairs from my office, makes a chocolate-covered version that kicks ass. Golden Grahams can’t compete.

7 Life vs. 10 Special K. It is to laugh. Special K will claim that if you use it as a meal replacement, it will help you to lose weight, though I am here to tell you those results are not experienced among those who eat it with three tablespoons of refined white sugar, without which Special K is blah. Life does suffer from the same sogging problems I’ve been railing against, but each square also comes impregnated with its own layer of delicious sweetness (probably high-fructose corn syrup). And so I say: L’Chaim!

2 Frosted Flakes vs. 15 Total. Whoever writes the ads for Total really likes to emphasize that eating a bowl is like washing down a head of broccoli with a bottle of fish oil capsules, nutrition-wise. And I have to think the cereal tastes just as good as that sounds. On the other hand, Frosted Flakes are Grrrrrrreat!, which is why they will win this matchup.

by Tara Ariano

Ready to vote?   Click here. Confused? Click here.

Edited to add that Will Edmondson is the awesomest fixer who ever awesomely fixed a bracket.

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106 Comments »

  • Dan says:

    Before I vote, it says: Total votes 1. Then I vote and it still says Total votes 1. Why don’t they appruv my submishuns?!?

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    @Dan: They do; you just have to refresh it. Sorry about that!

  • CJ says:

    Oh, I’ll have to take exception to the “corn flakes can’t be made into squares” argument. Have you ever had that southern bake sale staple made with corn (or frosted) flakes, Karo syrup, and peanut butter?

    Yum!

  • ferretrick says:

    Are you kidding? The sweet textured goodness of Golden Grahams kicks most-boring-cereal-ever-Cheerios ass!

  • Leigh in CO says:

    Wow – those results by state are way cool! Technology is awesome.

  • Bertha says:

    It is a cruel, cruel fate that my two favorite cereals, Cheerios and Golden Grahams, should be pitted against one another in this early round. I have no idea what to do here.

  • Jason says:

    Man, this is exciting. I do like the idea of one cereal crowned champion of them all.

    Am I missing something on the brackets, though? Because it looks like the first and second seeds in each division are set to go up against each other right in the second round.

    Which is maybe intended, or maybe I shouldn’t be analyzing a cereal bracket this closely. I dunno.

  • Linda says:

    @Rick: No way, dude. Cheerios are one of nature’s most perfect foods. Golden Grahams? Whatever.

  • Dan says:

    Aha! Thanks for the tip. :)

  • LizC says:

    (chanting) Cheerios! Cheerios!

    Suggestions for the next go Bracket Challenge:
    1) some sort of fast-paced “regional championship” polls to determine the “seeds” and bracket order.
    2) a “selection Sunday” podcast, so we could see the box of Post Toasties, bouncing around, thrilled to be invited to the dance.

    Also, I’m intrigued by the “can be used in a marshmallow-based dessert” as one of the main criteria. I voted for Life over Special K since I like it better with milk, but I do have a fondness for the bright-green marshmallow-Special K wreaths that are always at the holiday cookie exchange.

  • Erica says:

    Cheerios has been my favourite food ever since I’ve been eating food. It’s not bland, it’s versatile! It’s a perfect snack food (dry or mixed with pretzels and stuff in a savoury mix), it goes perfectly with any standard cereal mix-ins (bananas, berries, dried fruit, sugar, milk), it’s beloved by babies (for playing with and eating), and it’s even useful for little boys learning to aim their pee.

    Sweet cereals (like Golden Grahams) are often too sweet for me – especially if I’m having an early morning breakfast. You can’t take the sweet out of a sweet cereal, but you can always add sweetness to a non-sweet cereal. It’s like the standard “Would you rather be too hot or too cold?” argument – while you can always put on more clothes, you can only get soooo naked.

    Cheerios FTW.

  • Cath in Canada says:

    I need to add a write-in vote. Shreddies is the best cereal that was ever made. It can beat all of these other cereals hands-down.

  • Trip says:

    Say what you will; my money’s on Frosted Mini-Wheats to take the whole thing.

  • Margaret says:

    Once you’ve had a kid, you’ll never look at Cheerios the same way again. Just smelling them now makes me a bit nauseated.

    Honey Nut Cheerios, now, those I can get behind.

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    @Jason: Maybe you shouldn’t (hee), but this will be fixed. It won’t affect the voting here, though, so continue casting your votes; the bracket will be updated with the correct match-ups by tonight.

  • Jeanne says:

    I’m with ferretrick. Who are all these people who think Cheerios are better than Golden Grahams? They’re mini graham crackers for crying out loud! They’re awesome!

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    @Margaret: I thought it was just me. Mr. S ate nothing but Cheerios for like a year, and the whole house smelled of drooly oats. Pass.

  • J says:

    I’m completely confused by Cocoa Krispies and Corn Flakes being neck and neck. WHAT?

  • Cij says:

    Jeanne- I am with you- Viva Golden Grahams!!

  • LLyzabeth says:

    @CJ – YES! I was just going to comment on “peanut butter chews” made with corn flakes, sugar, corn syrup, and peanut butter (boil a cup of everything but the flakes, need about five cups of those added after boiling, for anyone at home who wants to try it.) I’ve got everybody at the office totally hooked. Plus you can mix corn flakes with brown sugar and butter for the topping on sweet potato casserole, mmmmm…

    Oh, sorry, got distracted. Corn flakes for the win!

  • cayenne says:

    @Cath in Canada – the awesomeness that is Shreddies cannot be overstated. Especially the (sadly no longer available) maple version, which was amazing; the product wonk who decided to delete it should be hunted down & forced to eat nothing but dry Weetabix for a week.

    In my family, dry Cheerios in front of the Saturday morning cartoons was replaced by dry Shreddies, and the babies were given a mix of the two, which resulted in a much lower drooly-oats stank factor.

  • Kasey says:

    I have to add that while Kellog’s Corn Flakes are a soggy, disappointing mess, Total Corn Flakes are awesome. They stay crispy and are actually thicker than regular Total. Growing up Total Corn Flakes was my favorite cereal, but we weren’t allowed to have sugary cereal.

  • Hellcat13 says:

    Oh man, Wing, are you telling me you went through life never eating the chocolate peanut butter cornflake squares? My mom used to make them all the time (but with smooth PB instead of crunchy). There’s about 100 different minor variations on the recipe, but this one is pretty standard: http://tiny.cc/cDBzk

  • KTB says:

    When I was growing up, my mom always made me eat two bites of whatever dinner she prepared, and if I didn’t like it, I could have a bowl of cereal. Which was almost always Cheerios. Shockingly, I still love the Os. However, I would love to see some Captain Crunch up in here–while I don’t love the sandpaper-palate side effect, I do love me some Crunchberries.

  • mev says:

    The maps of how people are voting are cool!
    Happy to say it is not Florida (currently) skewing the votes in the COcoa Krispies/Corn Flakes :)

  • Karen says:

    Shredded wheat makes a great crunchy topping when crumbled on a baked spaghetti casserole (makes me hungry just thinking about it).

  • Tisha_ says:

    I’ve never even heard of “Product 19” but I still had to vote for it over frosted mini-wheats, because GROSS!

    Can someone tell me what Product 19 is, so I know what I voted for?

  • Emerson says:

    I’m surprised some of the cereals are not winning by a wider margin. I’m not saying which ones because I don’t want to influence anyone’s vote. Yes, I am also crazy.

    Unrelated to that, does anyone here like Kix? I just think that cereal has nothing going for it. No crunch, no special flavor, no real nutrition either. When I think of it, I remember putting a piece in the grass to see how long it would take ants to find it.

  • Nicole says:

    Forget the cereal – Jacques Torres?? I’m so jealous!

  • Jess says:

    What in God’s name is Product 19?

  • K. says:

    What the ass is a Post Toastie?

    I like both Cheerios and Golden Grahams, but I voted for Golden Grahams. We were never allowed sugar cereal growing up (the sugariest was Raisin Bran; the raisins had sugar on them) so when I got to college I ate nothing but Lucky Charms, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and Golden Grahams for breakfast until I burned out, which happened pretty quickly.

    Cereals I hope to see: Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cap’N Crunch, Grape Nuts (I LOVE them, especially hot with maple syrup in the winter, but most people I know think they taste like gerbil food), Cheerios variations (especially Yogurt Burst), Apple Jacks.

    Lastly, I have that Cocoa Krispies song stuck in my head, along with that damn monkey!

  • Momthecoach says:

    I thought ALL cereal was called Post Toasties until I was about 4. My grandparents English was limited and whether through saturation advertising or lack of interest in learning multiple names in a foreign language for products that, after all, had the same basic box shape, my grandmother referred to each and every cereal as Post Toasties. I was probably in middle school before I realized that Post was the manufacturers name and not a part of the product name.

  • Tara says:

    I will not be moved on Golden Grahams, so save it. Or, vote your conscience and prove me wrong!

  • attica says:

    I’m a little sad that only original Total is bracketed; it is the least good of all the Totals. I love their raisin bran, I’m tickled by their cranberry crunch, and, I agree, their corn flakes kicks Kelloggs’s’ to the curb.

    But hey. Ya pays yer money, ya takes yer chances. Go Cocoa Krispies, GO!

  • LaSalleUGirl says:

    I’m really amused that the MicroPoll software is offering me an option to see how other Pennsylvania voters are voting. Also, I’ve never heard of these cornflake squares that people are describing, but I have got to get me some of those!

  • Sue says:

    I have all of my straight-laced co-workers totally hooked on the N. Cereal A.A. now. It’s the death of productivity! Yahoooooooo!

  • Carrie Ann says:

    Cheerios: #1 in my heart. Once, after a fifth grade track meet, I came home and ate six bowls in a row without really thinking about it. And I still love them. One of the world’s perfect foods.

    General Mills changed the sweetener on the Honey Nut variety at some point in the last ten years, because I tried them a few months ago and they were bleccccchhhh. I just looked and apparently honey is one of four sweetening agents, and the third listed. No wonder it tastes so generically sugary now.

  • Jeanne says:

    My friend once made fried chicken using cornflakes instead of breading, it was so good it completely ruined regular fried chicken for me. So for that reason alone I’m on the cornflakes love train.

    And seriously, Golden Grahams FTW! And as the proud aunt of two nephews I can attest to the cheerio drool stank. It’s awful.

  • Soaringdragon42 says:

    I would have voted for Kix if it was Berry Berry Kix, cause that cereal rocks. Plain Kix sucks.

    And Golden Grahams FTW! Gotta have my mini graham crackers!

  • Derek says:

    The smell of Cheerios is utterly repellent to me. I don’t think I’ve had them since I was a baby, I’ve always found the smell almost worse than cat poop.

  • Lisa says:

    As the lone Arkansas voter (WTF?), I gotta say, Corn Flakes over Cocoa Krispies? That’s as fucked up as Florida 2000! They’re COCOA, people. COCOA.

  • meltina says:

    I’m in shock… Cocoa Crispies are not in the lead? I just rediscovered how awesome they are just this week, and it should be a no contest win for them.

  • Alexis says:

    @Emerson – I do like Kix, and was actually kind of bummed it came up against Lucky Charms. I like them for totally different reasons. One is marshmallow goodness, and one is mildly sweet grainy flavor.

  • meltina says:

    @Carrie Ann: You’re right, Honey Nut Cheerios are kind of disgusting these days. I too remember when Honey was a primary sweetener for them. Must be that honey has gotten too expensive (seriously, have you bought a jar of pure honey lately?).

  • Lauren says:

    I just have to say that I voted for all the boring cereals. We weren’t allowed surgary cereals as a kid (except for an oocasional box of Alpha-Bits) and, even thought I am almost 30, I still haven’t tried many of these cereals! I have never eaten a Lucky Charm or Golden Graham in my life.

    I bring dry cereal to work everyday. My three regulars are Cheerios, Honey Nut Cheerios, and Frosted Mini-Wheats. I actually have never put milk on Mini-Wheats; they are perfect dry. Milk makes them all soggy.

  • J says:

    Product 19! Product 19! Product 19!

    @Tisha – It is yummy, crunchy, lightly sweet blend of corn, oats, wheat and rice. This is my preferred snack food when watching a movie – no chips or popcorn, give me my Product 19!

    It’s the sad step child that should outshine corn flakes and frosted flakes – a nice happy medium on the sweet scale. But no, Kelloggs hates poor little Product 19. Can’t even give it a real name – it was the 19th product they worked on the year they introduced it. Never really marketed it.

    This should be the Cinderella story of the tournament. C’mon everybody, try it – you’ll like it. Root for the underdog. Click on Product 19!

  • Jen says:

    OMG Berry Berry Kix! YESSSSSSSSSS! Yum!

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    @Alexis: I like Kix too. Not enough to buy them, necessarily, but I do like them. Plus they are EXCELLENT for flicking at a sibling — very light, and they make a hilarious little [pep!] sound when they make contact with the face.

    Or eyeball. Sorry, Mr. S.

  • autiger23 says:

    Corn flakes over Cocoa Krispies??? Why? Cocoa Krispies turn your milk into chocolatey goodness, and for some of us that never got chocolate milk at home, that was an excellent side effect. It was definitely a factor in the cereal aisle decision making process.

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