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Home » Culture and Criticism

N Cereal AA Round of 64, Flight 4: Sugar Shock

Submitted by on June 26, 2009 – 9:36 AM63 Comments

sonnyReady to vote?   Click here. Confused?   Click here.

1 Captain Crunch/Crunchberry vs. 16 Krusty-Os. Well, we had to have one fictional cereal in here, right?Krusty-Os don’t exist outside the Simpsons-verse, so I can’t speak to their actual quality.I will say that, because I hate milk, I eat all cereals dry, and because of that, Captain Crunch has ripped up the roof of my mouth for the last time.Still, the Captain (or the “Cap’n,” as it is properly branded, but I find that folksy abbreviation annoying) will steer his ship to a win.…Don’t get up; I’ll let myself out.

8 Sugar/Honey Smacks vs. 9 Sugar/Golden Crisp. I have to assume that both of these cereals got renamed in the last decade in order to hoodwink parents into thinking they had some nutritional value.I wouldn’t know firsthand, as my mother would sooner have served us a bowl of bees in vodka sauce than let either a Smack (aptly named) or a Crisp into her kitchen…and in fact I’ve never tasted the Crisp, but if dim sleepover memory serves, Smacks tasted kinda plasticky, like a Corn Nut with Jordan-almond coating.Which should have tasted rad, but didn’t, really.Smacks probably wins, but I vote Crisp.

5 Cinnamon Toast Crunch vs. 12 Trix. Everybody remembers “Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!”, so I guess you can’t argue with the ad campaign’s effectiveness, but geeeehhhh was that bunny annoying.He’s resourceful enough to dress up as Charles fuckin’ Lindbergh to try to steal the cereal, but he can’t just bring his furry ass to a supermarket?Whatever.I will give points for Trix actually having differentiated flavorings among the various colors, which Froot Loops did not.CTC, meanwhile, is not quite as good as I remember it, but it’s still damn good.It’ll have a fight on its hands, but I predict a win for the Crunch.

4 Apple Jacks vs. 13 Fruity Pebbles. I didn’t care much for either of these, back in the day, but Apple Jacks have held up better — and don’t have the association with The Flintstones, a cartoon I’ve never liked.I would prefer to see Apple Jacks move on, but I can’t say what will happen.

6 Corn Pops vs. 11 Cocoa Puffs. Cocoa Puffs are the sentimental favorite for me.They taste kind of chalky and don’t give you quite enough chocolate bang (…ew! sorry!) for your cereal buck, but I’ll always love them because my grandmother pretended to believe that Ma and Dad “let me” have them at home, and we would sit on her couch watching Days of our Lives and passing the box back and forth.While drinking Coke. And making jokes about Kayla that made us cry laughing even though they weren’t that funny, but: junkies.I could have done without that idiot bird in the TV spots, but because I associate them with fun times at Grandma’s house, I want them to win.Alas, like I said, the cereal per se is not so great; it could beat Corn Pops, but I don’t think it will.

3 Alpha-Bits vs. 14 Franken-/Booberry. The otherworldly -berry cereals tasted too much like cherry to me, and I hate fake cherry.Also, you can’t spell with them.Case closed.

7 Honeycomb vs. 10 Count Chocula. Two more sugar-cereal ads that, even as a child, I found tough to take.The Count and his zombie associate on the berry side seemed a bit too invested in foods that, according to supernatural canon, they couldn’t eat anyway.Meanwhile, the Honeycomb ads were obsessed with proving that each ‘comb was an inch long.I mean, if it’s the size of an Eggo waffle, well, then I’m impressed, but an inch, who cares, and the alleged “big taste” that the inch of length was supposed to confer never really materialized.Honeycomb didn’t have much taste, period.Tough call; I’m predicting it for Vlad the Diabetic.

2 Froot Loops vs.15 Cookie Crisp. Cookie Crisp is one of those childhood disappointments that teaches you something about the way the world really is.That cereal should rock, but then the little cookies taste stale and linty, and you keep eating it and hoping, but it never turns things around.I remember staring into my first bowl of the stuff and thinking, “I bet the same grown-up who decided to dick up a perfectly good oatmeal cookie by putting raisins in it is responsible for this donnybrook.”(I may not have used the word “donnybrook.”Then again, I may have.)Froot Loops don’t exactly challenge the palate by comparison, but you don’t get your hopes up as high or have them dashed as low, and it’s a serviceable cereal.Froot Loops, easily.

— by Sarah D. Bunting

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63 Comments »

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    I tried to rewrite for a “Jack-Os” joke, but everything I came up with involved some variation on a prize in every box and I had to leave it there. But the horribly tacky effort was in fact made.

    Bon appetit.

  • avis says:

    I love me some Fruity Pebbles. They are still my guilty pleasure cereal. It was even worth the mad rush to eat them in under twenty seconds because they turned to Fruity Mush if they stayed in milk for any length of time.

  • Kathryn says:

    “…I wouldn’t know firsthand, as my mother would sooner have served us a bowl of bees in vodka sauce than let either a Smack (aptly named) or a Crisp into her kitchen…”

    Best sentence ever, and a good description of MY mother’s opinion of sugar-cereals. For crying out loud, my sisters and I could put half-and-half on our cereal (it’s a wonder none of us are overweight), but not even once did she ever buy a cereal for us that was a) chocolate flavored or b)sugar-and-dye flavored. I could only vote for Cinnamon Toast Crunch because as a baby-sitter I was able to snack on a handful of the stuff in someone else’s kitchen.

  • Kristina says:

    No fight. Cinnamon Toast Crunch ftw. I can’t eat cereal dry (even though I’m lactose reluctant) but that cereal was not unlike Tostitos Hint of Lime Chips in terms of its I CANNOT STOP EATING THIS CRACK quality.

  • mctwin says:

    Ms. Sars,

    This comment is to let you know that, one of these days, I’m am going to seriously choke on my tea while reading your blog and die. My sister will file the wrongful death suit!

    “a bowl of bees in vodka sauce”? Vlad the Diabetic? You’re killing me!! Thank you!!!

  • Margaret in CO says:

    Apple Jacks are winning by a mile…and I want to make a Jackson reference there & can’t seem to verbalize it. Maybe that shit isn’t funny today.
    I agree – fake cherry is nearly as bad as fake peach. And is there a grape flavor anywhere that tastes like grapes at all?

  • Erin says:

    Hm. The N Cereal AA has taught me something about myself. Turns out I don’t like fruity-flavored cereals. I never realized that before, but in every fruity-cereal match-up, I went with the alternative.

    Thank you, N Cereal AA, for bringing me one step closer to self-actualization…regarding sugary cereals, anyway.

  • Anlyn says:

    HAAAAAATE Fruit Loops. With the fire of a million suns. I used to like them fine as a kid, but now? They make me barf. They also leave a nasty aftertaste.

    I like Cinnamon Toast Crunch on occasion (or rather, the generic version), mostly if I need to get a sugary fix in the morning. I like the cinnamon/sugar dusting on the cereal, and when eaten dry they’re satisfyingly crunchy. I never got into Trix; that rabbit also annoyed the hell out of me. And the kids were such fucking brats.

    Is Honeycomb the commercial with the bizarre looking troll? That thing always freaked me out, with its too-large head. Never liked the cereal, either.

    I seem to remember a Marshmallow equivalent of Count Chocula, with a ghost? What was that called? I remember Draconberry.

    I know Lucky Charms was put in the classics, but it will always be my sugary cereal of choice.

  • Rachel says:

    I lusted after Cookie Crisp as a child almost as much as I lusted after a Superfection game every Christmas (but mom has size-11 feet, so lots of small pieces were a no-no). I never ever got either one. I still want the Superfection game but the Cookie Crisp? Yick. I’m old enough to just go buy a bag of Chips Ahoy and a quart of milk and dump them into a bowl if I’m so inclined.

    And Cap’n Crunch is responsible for what our household calls ‘zombie-mouth’ because it rips up the roof of your mouth and leaves it in shreds. I suppose you could have put it up against the Oreo cookie cereal or the Reese’s mess instead of Krusty-Os, though.

  • Hannah says:

    I think Chocolate-frosted Sugar Bombs from Calvin and Hobbes would’ve been a nice match up with Krusty-Os. I always imagined they tasted like Coco Puffs, but more so.

    I always held Cinnamon Toast Crunch up as the ideal for sugary cereals my mother would never let me have. The cereal itself is crunchy, yes, but you can easily discern the sugar texture, too, which was so novel compared to all the frosted cereals.

  • J says:

    Cinnamon Toast Crunch FTW! (The generic Target version, by the way, is almost as good as the branded version, and is much cheaper.)

    Also, Honeycombs changed their formula not so long ago. They’re multigrain now, and they’re ass.

  • Jeanne says:

    Mmmmm, Cocoa Puffs. They had the crunch of Kix with the excellent chocolate milk side effect.

  • Lisa says:

    At the risk of spilling my own brand of Crazy all over the internet, I must confess that I, too, only eat my cereal dry. (In fact, I won’t eat ANY food that requires a liquid being poured over a solid. Soggy is a texture I cannot tolerate in the least.) Plus I have to eat my Froot Loops in color order — green, then yellow, then orange, blue (??), purple, then red. You can start backing away now.

    That being said, Sugar Smacks is the shit.

  • Melissa says:

    My mother were never allowed to eat sweet cereal, but at Christmas we each got one box: Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs and either Count Chocula (which is extremely hard to find) or Trix. Obviously we would hoard them for months. So I vote for stale Count Chocula!

  • bristlesage says:

    Margaret in CO, I had a concord grape, whole and off the vine, once and was absolutely floored–it tasted exactly like grape flavor, and almost that sweet. And the little strawberries I get at the farmer’s market taste like fake strawberry, too. Both of these things weird me out, in a good way.

    Cereal-wise, I never liked the sliminess-in-milk of most sugar-coated cereals, so I generally went with the ones where the sugar was internal, you know? I’m pulling for Apple Jacks.

  • Jaybird says:

    Heh. I can’t think of Cap’n Crunch w/o recalling the ancient SNL skit about the nude body of Cap’n Crunch being found floating in a sewer in Queens. It was during the “Find the Cap’n” promotion, back in the 80s, I think.

    Death to Fruity Pebbles. I loathe anything associated with the Flintstones or any other H-B dreck. It doesn’t help that the cereal itself tastes like not-so-artfully sweetened boogers. Not that I would know.

  • Mike says:

    I remember begging my mom to let me get Cookie Crisp. When she finally relented I hated it. I don’t think I finished the box. What a let down.

    Cocoa Puffs remind me of malted milk balls, neither are very good. Cocoa Pebbles was my chocolate cereal of choice as a kid.

  • attica says:

    Whenever anybody ever asks me, “How’s tricks?” (which happens more than you’d think in my circle), the only possible response is “For Kids.” It’s a rule. Thing is, I never cared for Trix as a cereal, but that’s a tagline that gets my vote.

  • LALALA says:

    Erin, I couldn’t have said it better. Fruity cereals, bleh. For me, also, chocolate cereals. Corn Pop lovers need to get out here, Cocoa Puffs must go down!!

  • Rinaldo says:

    “because I hate milk, I eat all cereals dry”

    And I eat all cereals dry for exactly the opposite reason: I LOVE milk, so much so that I refuse to waste it on cereal. I would rather drink a glass of it (preferably while I’m having my toast, which I can’t always allow myself these days but that’s another story). Plus after you’ve finished your cereal-soaked-in-milk, there’s this bowl of milk-with-STUFF-in-it left over, which is just plain disgusting and which I refuse to touch because the milk is now ruined.

    I’m not a huge fan of fruit on cereal either, but I can tolerate that better. I guess I’m one of those weird pitiable types who keeps their foods separate.

  • Roberta says:

    Ah, Cookie Crisp. Chocolate chip cookies for breakfast! And then I tasted them. Yuk. Yuk-ola. I remember how very disappointing that was for me, even though it was about 30 years ago probably.

  • Kristen says:

    “Cookie Crisp is one of those childhood disappointments that teaches you something about the way the world really is.”

    That was my experience. My mother didn’t allow sugary cereals, either, but when I was about five years old, she gave in to my sister’s and my pleading and bought a box of Cookie Crisp (because at least it didn’t have artificial coloring, too). What a let-down! I don’t think that we ever asked for another forbidden cereal.

    In fact, the only other cereal in this flight that I’ve tasted is Corn Pops, and I didn’t have those ’til I was in college.

    I’m voting for Cookie Crisp, anyhow, because at least it evokes some sentiment for me. Plus, Froot Loops have artificial coloring.

  • Tashi says:

    I know that in earlier replies to the brackets I extolled the wonders and lack of virtue of Cookie Crisp but your write up has me questioning my childhood memories. Since my mother was also of the bees in vodka sauce variety it may have been the joy of the forbidden fruit than the actual taste that I liked. Oh well, I choose to vote for the false memory rather than the cold reality.

  • trog says:

    It’s sad that my brain retains some of this information, but… Krusty-Os were a real cereal when the Simpsons movie came out. They were one of the products being sold at the “Kwik-E-Mart”-branded 7-11 stores. I did not buy a box, but by all internet accounts, they were re-branded generic “Froot Loops”.

  • scairney says:

    Somewhere in college Coco Puffs became Coco Rocks, I guess so they would not get soggy so fast but I really thought they were testing some sort of chocolate grape nuts for the break my teeth factor. They apparently realized that and then switched back to being slightly puffier than rocks, but with everything switched to hfcs the flavors are just not what I remember as a kid. My mom let us have all the sugar cereals, we were the house that all the kids wanted to sleep over to have cereal snacks (and I am not overweight and do not have any cavities in my 30’s). It is strange to me that we never had Kix as a kid but I love them now.

  • Judi says:

    “Smacks tasted kinda plasticky, like a Corn Nut with Jordan-almond coating.” — Whoa. That is…really on point. I love them, but yeah!

    The Cookie Crisp thing — holy SHIT. Yes! Don’t get me wrong. I still would eat them, but my parents were also of the bee a la vodka persuasion, and I had to choose sugar cereals with extreme deliberation. And I was six, so Strawberry Shortcake and a bunch of other cereals needed to be tried before Cookie Crisp. Finally, finally, I was going to have mini-cookies in a bowl. And yes. Disappointment.

    The Honeycomb ad campaign people had seemingly intense penis issues. “Honeycomb big! Yeah yeah yeah! It’s not small! No no no!”

    Does anyone remember Body Buddies? My grandmother always had them, and they were like the Juicy Juice of cereal, kind of. Tastier than “regular,” but healthy enough to get a pass.

  • Kristina says:

    Honestly, I think Tupac ruined the Trix tagline for me.

  • Margaret in CO says:

    @Lisa:”That being said, Sugar Smacks is the shit.”
    You only say that because you don’t have to sort them… ;-)

    @Anlyn – I think that was BooBerry!

    @bristlesage – maybe I’m eating the wrong grapes…but my Mom’s irises (irii? – the flowers, not her eyes) SMELL just like grape flavor. I love that!

  • April says:

    Yay! There are other people out there who eat cereal dry! I do like the combo of milk and cereal but just can’t stand the sogginess at ALL. So I take a bite of cereal and a sip of milk, thereby perfectly preserving the crispiness. Crispix is the ONE crispy-enough exception.

  • K. says:

    I bought Cookie Crisp a couple of months ago because I had a coupon for it and: no. I actually finished the box because I hate to waste food, but I was decidedly unimpressed. I experienced similar disappointment when I tried Froot Loops and realized all the flavors were the same.

    I LOVE Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I love cinnamony, spicy sweet things and the cinnamon to sugar ratio here is yummy. Plus the leftover cinnamon-tinged milk is delicious. And as a kid I really liked the commercial, with the three jolly singing bakers. That was the cereal I always begged my mom to let us get (which was met with a resounding “no.” Corn Flakes, Grape Nuts, Raisin Bran, Rice Krispies, and Cheerios in our household).

  • kate says:

    man, i can’t even vote in this flight. honestly, i’m not sure i’ve ever eaten any of these beyond cinnamon toast crunch, and that was probably at summer camp (thus out of my mom’s “no sugar cereals” kitchen…).

  • Dorine says:

    I don’t like tasting mixed fruit flavors (I only eat the Skittles grouped by color, in order), which is exactly why I LIKE that the Fruit Loops are all the same flavor. They also result in that mouth-torn-to-shreds effect, though.

  • Jinxie says:

    What gives?? ALL of my picks in this round are trailing…seems highly suspicious. I mean, really…how could Count Chocula NOT kick Honeycomb’s ass? He’s a VAMPIRE for crying out loud.

  • La BellaDonna says:

    K., how exotic! No, I’m not busting you – we didn’t even get Corn Flakes at my house. Our choices: Kellog’s Special K; Product 19; Total; or Wheat Germ. They weren’t kidding about the “germ,” either: it came in a glass jar, and looked just like wood dust, without being anything like as tasty.

    Can I vote for Bees In Vodka Sauce FTW?

  • Cath says:

    I lost a tooth in a bowl of Sugar Smacks. Really hard “piece” of cereal, bowl full of blood, and an older brother who made the most of the torment opportunity that came along. Ringing in my ears was my mom’s warning that it would rot our teeth, since she only bought the sugary stuff under protest.

    The bright side of this bracket is hearing that I can finally let my Cookie Crisp bitterness go; I’m really glad to hear that they weren’t as delicious as my imagination built them to be.

  • Merideth says:

    @scairney — is the High Fructose Corn Syrup thing why Trix don’t taste like they used to? I LOVED Trix when I was a kid; they were my favorite things ever. A few years ago I bought myself a box as a treat, and they didn’t taste the same. It broke my heart, to the point that I actually voted against them.

    Also, I feel like the worst mother ever, because I put my husband in charge of buying cereal. He, having been raised by dirty hippies on a diet of Macrobiotic and Natural Foods only, he buys the Kidlet the most sugar saturated, artificially colored cereals possible. Granted, she only gets them for desert, but still…

  • Sarah says:

    @Trog – you are correct – I still have two unopened boxes of Krusty O’s at home that I got at the Kwik-E-Mart 7-11 during The Simpsons Movie hype. They were/are indeed like bulk off-brand Froot Loops.

  • ferretrick says:

    This bracket is cruel. I did eat sugary cereals, and this is like the day Dad decides to clean out the attic, and makes you choose which of your childhood toys to send to Goodwill!

    I mean, Apple Jacks vs. Fruity Pebbles? That’s like half my childhood breakfasts right there. Honeycomb vs. Count Chocula? Sophie’s Choice me right here, why don’t you, cruel blogger!

    And, Booberry rocked! The best of the monster cereals, but I don’t think he lasted all that long. I remember Frankenberry and Count Chocula being around long after Booberry disappeared from the shelves. BOO, General Mills! He kicks Alpha Bits ass!

    Ditto, Cookie Crisp. I bet if I had some right now, I’d think you are probably right about the taste, but when I was a kid…its COOKIES! In CEREAL! How kickass is that?

  • fafolguy says:

    After reading all these comments I am SO glad my mom didn’t really care what kind of cereal we got. She’d usually let my sisters and me do our own thing on the cereal aisle. And because of that, I have had every single cereal on this list.
    As for the cereals themselves, the Pebbles cereals were a no go for me. You had to eat them way fast before the mush set in, then run to the sink when you’re done for fear that they would dry out and become a part of the bowl permenantly.
    Also, no peanut butter love for the Cap’n? That’s my favorite bad for me cereal of all time!

  • Tarn says:

    They changed the Honeycombs formula?!? Is nothing sacred?

    I live in Portland, home of the infamous Voodoo Doughnuts, where they have a “Triple Chocolate Penetration” doughnut, with Cocoa Puffs on the top. Rips the crap out of your mouth, but damn, that chalky crunchy Cocoa Puffy childhood goodness, on top of a chocolate frosted chocolate donut? A rich, delicious, sinful PMS-er’s dream.

    My mom bought me all sorts of crap cereals, including the movie/toy tie-ins like Gremlins (little sweet-corn Gizmos!) and Strawberry Shortcake, but she drew the line at Cookie Crisp no matter how much I begged, so that was my cereal-ic white whale for most of my childhood. But then I finally got to try it a friend’s house, and yeah, ehhh. What a disappointment.

  • KTB says:

    My mom wasn’t quite of the bees-and-vodka sauce variety, so we occasionally had the odd box of Corn Pops in the house, and I have already mentioned my undying love for Cap’n Crunchberries elsewhere.

    However, chocolate cereal? Not going to happen. I love chocolate, and I love cereal, but for whatever reason, I hate the combo. Ecch.

    And word on the Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. I totally wanted to try those. Love the Calvin & Hobbes!

  • Jenn C. says:

    I can’t even vote in this round. The only one of these that has ever passed my lips was Cinnamon Toast Crunch, which somehow passed the bees in vodka suace test in our house.

  • JenP says:

    Perhaps this competition has now embedded itself in my subconscious. How else to explain that I wore a Froot Loops shirt to work today?

    I adore BooBerry to the point that friends know to buy boxes for me when its in the store around Halloween. Fruity Pebbles is the cereal I’ll buy just to eat for dessert at night. And ever since my brother barfed Cinnamon Toast Crunch all over the back seat of my parents’ car on a trip to Lake Sunnapee 25 years or so ago, I haven’t been able to eat them–though I do still remember that being the best-smelling barf I’ve ever encountered.

  • Emerson says:

    I really like Cookie Crisp. I never had any expectations, so I don’t know why I bought them in the first place, but I wasn’t disappointed, either. They were also kind of good stale. Maybe I’ll buy some tonight after CC goes down in flames.

  • Anlyn says:

    @K…did you grow up with me? That is EXACTLY what we had in our cupboard. With the occasional addition of Wheaties.

    I remember Cookie Crisp vaguely. I mostly remember Mom not allowing it because it was just a bunch of mini-cookies in milk. But I seem to remember actually liking them. Maybe because I like cookies, I don’t know. Or maybe just because of the sugar rush.

    Booberry! That was it. Though why do I remember marshmallows? I’m assuming it was actually blueberry. Man, my childhood memories are vague.

  • Amalthea says:

    Just popping in to say I loved the grandma story, Sars. Grandmas are the best. With mine it was The Price is Right and shortbread cookies.

    Also I’m with the dry cereal eaters, and those who have to eat them in order by colour.

  • Hellcat13 says:

    @Rinaldo, I’m with you. I love milk, but the slimy, semi-warm, frequently brown leftover sludge at the bottom of my bowl will never pass my lips. I used to get in trouble for dumping it down the drain.

    I’m getting pretty good at figuring out the proper cereal-to-milk ratio, though…now I can pretty much nail exactly how much milk I need for every spoonful of cereal.

    That said, there are still many cereals that only work as snack food for me because of the milk factor. Honey Combs, Cinnamon Toast Crunch…anything that gets soggy or leave lots of sludge is better straight from the box.

  • Judi says:

    @La BellaDonna — we had wheat germ too!!! Have you ever had it on ice cream?

  • La BellaDonna says:

    Cath, will it comfort you any to learn that I lost a tooth in a bowl of ice cream once? No? How about a soft, not-even-toasted bagel?

    Less blood; more humiliating.

  • We only got to have sugary cereal on our birthdays….we could pick a box of whatever kind we wanted on our day, and didn’t have to share it. I ALWAYS picked Cocoa Puffs. I still like them occasionally, even though they shred the roof of my mouth.

    Trix really sucks these days. The shapes and colors are all crazy. Remember when they were round and only came in yellow, orange & red? Now they are jagged and come in blue, green, purple, etc. It’s a travesty.

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