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Home » Culture and Criticism, Featured

Order Of The Shallows: Wimbledon 2016

Submitted by on July 5, 2016 – 4:02 PM3 Comments

WimbledonHeader

Hi there! John Ramos here. Welcome back once again to the tennis hotness rankings — now known to those with the secret handshake (oh yeah: that's you) as the Order Of The Shallows!

Sarah has decamped for a vacation, probably ever more needed thanks to the historic dearth of hotness talent in this year's Wimbledon R16, but while she's handed off admin duty to yours truly, she is still participating in ranking these "worthy" contestants, along with myself and Poobahs Joe Reid and Zach Wilcha, the latter of whom can be seen living and working in Philadelphia but can be found lurking and judging full-time on Twitter at @itsonlyzach. Our other regular Poobah, Paul Quinn, is celebrating Canada Day Weekend as we in the U.S. watch enviously, but will rejoin us for the US Open 2016.

In case you missed our French Open Rankings: What does our minor rebranding mean? N…ot a whole lot, except that we're going to rank all kinds of foxy moving forward: tennis, baseball, Emmy supporting actors, presidents, you name it. Got a suggestion for a Shallows hotness ranking? Leave it in the comments!

Until then, on to 2016 Wimbledon. Remember the Game Of Thrones finale when we were told winter is finally here? The coldness of these Wimbledon fourth-rounders is enough to make me believe they weren't just talking about Westeros. But we can't have a sixteen-way tie for last (can we?) so here's how we ranked the participants.

(Wondering about previous rankings? Enjoy the 2016 French as linked above, and also 2014 Wimbledon, 2013 French Open, and 2012 U.S. Open discussions.)

Tsonga

1 Jo-Wilfried Tsonga
ATP Rank: 12
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, 6, n/a, n/a

John: This above reaction, after he came back from two sets down to dispatch Jizzner, does a lot to combat the boringness that's plagued Jo in these rankings. Plus the hair is suddenly working for me again.

Joe: I was watching Wimbledon with a non-tennis-watching friend over the weekend, and he ended up dubbing Tsonga "President Booty." Can't argue with that.

Sarah: I miss the fauxhawk and he's still a snoozer, but this field is his best shot at a number one OOTS ranking.

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Sing a Tsonga Sixpence." Jo-Willie is famous for looking like Muhammad Ali (which is not a bad thing at all), but he should also get some credit for his own killer smile, barrel chest, and his propensity to take his shirt off very often.

Pouille

2 Lucas Pouille
ATP Rank: 30
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a, n/a

Joe: Wimbledon 2016 was especially cruel when it came to dangling primo hotness-ranking candidates in front of us, only to snatch them away. Sascha Zverev, Andrey Kuznetsov, Grigor Dimitrov, Feliciano Lopez. There's hope for more aesthetically pleasing Slams to come, but for now, Wimbledon was a wasteland. In a perfect world, Lucas Pouille would be a solid mid-packer. In this ocean of fug, he is a buoy of passable cuteness.

Sarah: It's not hopeless; there's a Chris Pratt thing happening, maybe, from certain angles. But he beat Del Potro to get here, and I cannot and will not forgive.

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Lucas Hey Something Smells Pouille." He could use a hot oil treatment, and facial hair is his friend. All and all, he has potential to grow into someone worth looking at.

John: Now that my beloved Andreas Seppi has most likely aged out of these rankings, I'm thrilled to have another blond Euro-frat surf dude taking his place. He's not perfect, but that's hardly the standard in this field.

Johnson

3 Steve Johnson
ATP Rank: 29
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a, n/a

Sarah: With the grain-of-salt observation that, really, we should be simulcasting this Order Of The Shallows ceremony from Ontario, because the shit is Grimsby: Steve's got promise. The delicious arms don't quite cancel out the six-head, but again, it's a thin round. Rull thin.

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Stevie Lyndon Baines Johnson." Steve has an inoffensive All-American look and if you Google it [or use it as your photo – John] , you'll find he can flex a pretty impressive bicep. In this bleak landscape of fug, that's enough to put him near the top.

John: In the state of today's world, I thank Stevie for giving us the only acceptable kind of gun show. Bland-ish with unnecessary beard otherwise, but that's not a killer here.

Joe: He's got a Todd Martin quality to his beardy-vs.-non-beardy looks. This isn't a good thing. For this we lost Dimitrov!

Berdych

4 Tomas Berdych
ATP Rank: 9
Previous Hotness Ranks: T10, n/a, n/a, 11

Joe: My line with Berdych has always been that my hating him is really the only appeal he holds. But the longer he goes without actively pissing me off, the more he just seems like a stalk of celery out there.

Sarah: I'm into the craggy evolution of Berdych, though he's never not going to look like he's late on filing a Luftwaffe flight plan. Not so into it that I'd slot him this high in any other draw, but in 2016, boring is a sweet relief.

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Tomas Early Berdych Gets The Wormych." I still contend that a normal-sized Tomas would be a handsome gentleman, though lipless and bland. I hope his wife calls him her Czech mate.

John: Agree with Sarah that age is helping him look less computer-generated. The search party for a personality still hasn't returned, though.

Kyrgios

5 Nick Kyrgios
ATP Rank: 18
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, 8, n/a, n/a,

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Nick Kyrgios Eleison." A Greek-Malaysian tennis player with swag, on paper, should be in my wheelhouse. But this seemingly hard-living 21-year-old looks like she's been THROUGH IT. You'd think someone who tanked as many sets as he has would have more time for rest.

John: Sure, from certain angles you'd want to hit that. But I feel like when it comes down to it he's just the bad-boy version of a basic bitch. Also: Asshole.

Joe: Look, I find his whole bratty take on having a "personality" incredibly objectionable, and on top of that he has a rat face. But there's no denying that there's a jerkish appeal at work, even at the most hate-yourself-for-it levels.

Sarah: Nicky's a tough one. First of all, he's a major two-face — Kevin Anderson levels of fuglor in some shots, Drake foxy in others. Second of all, I don't know whether he's a jerky screamer on the reg or if recent outbursting is an anomaly, but he looks like he's kind of a cock personality-wise, and not in the fun-hate-fuckish sort of way, but in the watching-himself-in-the-mirror kind of way. Luckily for him, he's in a ranking with Marin Cilic.

Murray

6 Andy Murray
ATP Rank: 2
Previous Hotness Ranks: 13, T13, n/a, 16

John: I feel like I'm betraying the absent Paul Quinn, but I can't deny any of what Sarah's saying. What is the state of tennis Hotness that it's come to this?

Joe: I find myself coming around to Murray as a person and even as a player (though my dominant expression while watching him is still "DAMN IT, Andy!"). He is by all accounts a good guy. One of the goodest guys on the tour. He's creeping up my rankings. But he can only creep so far.

Sarah: Okay, well, this is all just so much rationalizing, but I kind of like the longer hair when it's actually looking like hair and not a cobwebby trapezoid. The body is, as it has historically been, totally there; he still sounds hot. And my man is totally bootstrapping with this shit

MurrayPup

but bless his heart for doing so, because by the time I got to him in my write-ups I was legit about to start crying.

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Andy Dick Murray." Truly, tennis's butterface, he does to "No! face" what Meg Ryan did for "O-face." New male-pattern balding may take care of his nest of hair once and for all.

Nishikori

7 Kei Nishikori
ATP Rank: 6
Previous Hotness Ranks: 6, 11 (tie), n/a, n/a

Joe: Slowly but surely, he's pulling an adult look together.

Sarah: If he kept his mouth closed, I could hang, but good luck finding a picture of the guy when that piranha grill isn't blighting the entire landscape. It is worse than Murray's. I am NOT a crackpot.

Zach: alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Kei Hole Nishikori." Kei is lithe and packs a grade-A behind into those Uniqlo shorts. He also constantly looks uncomfortable and awkward in his surroundings, which I like in a man because it makes me think I've got a chance.

John:

BartSimpsonDentures

Raonic

8 Milos Raonic
ATP Rank: 7
Previous Hotness Ranks: 8, 11 (tie), 16, 15

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Milos Angeles Lakers Raonic." I'll never think of him as anyone but Canada's Chief Wiggum. The arm-condom sleeve is a boner-killer.

John: Can't imagine going anywhere near his mouth with that Venus Flytrap of a tongue.

Joe: These are dark times when ol' farty-face Milos is rounding out my top five. Sometimes, having all the ingredients and not photographing those ingredients all that well trumps having none of the ingredients.

Sarah: Raonsie pulled an eye-roll the other day, captured by the Montreal Gazette, that I found utterly charming in a Stephen Curry way. That said: boss, if God wanted your tongue to spend that much time outside your mouth he'd have made it your nose. Find another way.

Tomic

9 Bernard Tomic
ATP Rank: 19
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a, n/a

John: I always found him more Pinocchio than Madame, but Sarah and I are at different ends of the same party here. Plus: Asshole.

Joe: If he wasn't such a cock, I'd probably be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt as a lithe, if bland, slice of passable Aussie. But he is SUCH a cock. Mostly on the court, but occasionally off.

Sarah: I meeeeeean here's the problem: I've spent the last couple days watching Happy Valley's second series, and once I saw the resemblance to Shirley Henderson, I couldn't unsee it — and even without that unfortunate comparison, Fed is not the only player in these rankings to come down with a scorching case of Madame-itis.

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Bernie TomicDonald Had a Farm." This more-angular Jughead who jumped off the comic page is cute from certain vantage points, but not enough of them.

Goffin

10 (tie) David Goffin
ATP Rank: 11
Previous Hotness Ranks: 16, n/a, n/a, n/a

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Livin' La Davida Loca Goffin." Opponents of his are known to give Boy Henin their socks after matches for his uncanny likeness to Dobby The House Elf.

Joe: I hear you guys. Boy Henin, Prince Joffrey, got it. I think he's cute. And getting further away from adolescence every day!

John: I was inclined to rank him higher until he blew a two-set lead against Tongue Boy. Still, I think if he were to move away from My First Haircut territory he might not be all that objectionable.

Sarah: Wait, there's another Culkin?

Federer

10 (tie) Roger Federer
ATP Rank: 3
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, 10, 14, 14

Sarah: In the words of our esteemed colleague Poobah Quinn, "This mofo. I can't."

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Mrs. Gavin Rossdale." Rodge has a constant sneer on his face as if he has to listen to his own interviews all the time.

John: Please let Fed's walk-on music be this theme song from now on.

Joe: Somebody has to beat Lord Smugly this week. Please.

Querrey

12 (tie) Sam Querrey
ATP Rank: 41
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a, n/a

John: Sure, everyone thought it sounded good to knock Novak out for the sake of new blood. To them I say: A next-level mouth-breather is what you deserve.

Joe: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Sarah: Nice as it is of him to shake up the roster a bit, Lipless Poor Man's James Marsden is the very definition of "careful what you wish for."

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "SAMerica the Beautiful." His assured handling of Novak Djokovic made him seem sexy for five seconds. Alas, it was not enough to make us forget that he appeared on Millionaire Matchmaker.

Gasquet

12 (tie) Richard Gasquet
ATP Rank: 10
Previous Hotness Ranks: T10, n/a, 14, 12

Sarah: I just don't have anything else to say about ol' Recedinghairlinedict Burntumberbatch. I've even run out of nut-pun nicknames for the guy. I will say that I'm starting to admire his ability to replicate that same Beaker face on every groundstroke. The face itself: pas d'écrou, friendo.

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Dicque Fromage." Last time I said he could not look more French, and then he proved me wrong by coming to Wimbledon only to surrender.

John: I feel like we're close to Gasquet's face, as Saffy from Absolutely Fabulous would put it, "sliding off the bone like a well-cooked chicken."

Joe: Still circulating my petition to have Richard forced to shave his head.

Cilic

14 Marin Cilic
ATP Rank: 13
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, T13, 6, 7

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Marin Netflix And Cilic." The chasm between Croat and Serbian tennis hotness is wide, but a Borna Coric breakthrough could change things. Until then, this lanky, animatronic tree is what you get from the Slavic coast.

John: The Jon Favreau of tennis; starting from a not-great place and getting much worse.

Joe: He's never been my fave, and the fact that his playing style bores me to tears has never helped, but unlike a lot of these "cute on the court, cracked lens on the camera" guys, he can photograph well.

Sarah: Imagine Sparky Polastri's "too much makeup…uch, not enough makeup" line from Bring It On, applied to Cilic's beard. And can someone apply something to the eyebrows? It's like Scorsese cosplay on shrooms.

Mahut

15 Nicolas Mahut
ATP Rank: 51
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a, n/a

Joe: He looks like a character actor in the kinds of European movies that do well at film festivals but nowhere else.

Sarah: If Wawrinka and Bill the Cat had a kid. Pasadena.

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Nicolas Mahut? Weekly." In a French laboratory 34 years ago, efforts to clone Gilles Simon went horribly awry.

John: I mean, I get that he looks like the poster child for fetal rosé syndrome, but beyond the body, I can't help finding something about him adorable. (It's relative; I'd still need really low light or — preferably — a bag over his head.)

Vesely

16 Jiri Vesely
ATP Rank: 64
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a, n/a

Sarah: "Kevin Dillon IS…Tennis Werewolf."

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "When I Was 21 I Had A Very Good Jiri Vesely." The danger of combining overgrowth with underbite comes to life in this lanky, chin-strapped Czech.

John: It's not well known, but in Czech "Vesely" translates to "Babadook."

Joe: Maybe if he didn't choke away the Berdych match I'd have more affection for Dr. Teeth and the E-Czech-tric Mayhem. Alas.

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3 Comments »

  • tita says:

    Oh man, Wimbledon 2016 is a rough time to be a member of the Order! As soon as I saw how the round of 16 shook out, I was immediately sympathetic to you all and desperate to hear you shred the list of candidates.
    Though I know his appearance at #1 has a big asterisk in your collective estimation, I am happy to finally see lovely Jo Tsonga at the top where he lives in my heart. That smile!

  • Kat Hazzard says:

    Bless you. I can't believe how hard this must have been for you guys.
    Your humorous insights gave me laughter through tears.
    I hope our Order never has to suffer this much again.

  • Matt says:

    As for future rankings, I look forward to seeing who puts the "vice" in "vice presidents." Let's uncover some overlooked historical hotness! (Or not, depending.)