Paragraph of the Day: Shut Up, Bentley Williams
I tagged back out of the Bachelor franchise after the most recent Bradelor! DUN! season. Life offers so many organic opportunities to feel bored, enraged by sexism, or so uncomfortable that I long for a soothing hornet massage; there's no reason to inflict all three of those sensations on myself at once without pay.
I do, however, follow the ongoing subplots on sites like Reality Blurred — the better to participate in judgy conversations about the show without actually watching each week. The two primary storylines so far, from what I can tell: 1) Ashley, the current Bachelorette, is still hyper-sensitive about the guys expecting Emily or Chantal instead of her, although she really should have toughened herself up on that point prior to going on the show; 2) Bentley Williams went on the show for solely self-promotion purposes, shit-talked Ashley with ugly dismissiveness, then ousted himself on the grounds that he missed his daughter too much to stay — a decision which devastated Ashley, who had fallen for Bentley despite getting a text from none other than Crazy Michelle telling Ashley exactly what Bentley had in mind for the season. And despite Bentley's greezy Tintin 'do. And despite the name "Bentley."
The latest blip on the Bentley-dar is that he had allegedly started repairing his relationship with his ex-wife prior to going on the show. In the course of explaining how said ex, Suzette Davis, reacted to Bentley's plan, Reality TV World gives us the following fantastic, horrifying paragraph, whose details of trashy pathos fairly freeze the blood:
Davis, who is the mother of Williams' daughter Cozette, was reportedly shocked when she learned from a friend that the father of her child had signed on to compete on The Bachelorette, but Williams insisted it would be for the sole purpose of promoting his business — a sports center called Airborne Trampoline Arena located in his hometown of Salt Lake City, UT.
"Cozette": a tacky blend of (I assume) homage to an irritating character from an earwiggy musical, and the sort of self-regard that brought us JonBenet and a legion of little George Foremans. It's bad enough that, if I recall correctly, "Cosette" is the name of Adriana's little yipball that Christophuh sat on and smothered while junked out on The Sopranos — why on earth would you tweak the spelling to make it closer to the word "cooze"? What is the thought process there? "Look at that beautiful baby, my heart, my joy. Let's call her French Purse-Dog Vagina"? What's her middle name — "Twait"? People: one day, junior high will come for your kid. Maybe try not to jam her up like that from the get-go.
Wait, never mind. Who would dare mock the heiress (pardon me: "heirezz") to the Airborne Trampoline Arena fortune, I ask you. I also ask you what in Moroni's name goes on at such an arena. Do the…trampolines themselves go airborne? The patrons? The arena itself? I assume, as the unclear antecedentage has forced me to do, that the place is a fusion of trampolining and Bounce U. Fine. How is the Bachelorette demographic the target for Williams's business, which has absolutely no tie-in to dating or romance? (Not that the Bachelor franchise does either, technically.) Does the ATA host weddings? Does Williams want to position it as a neato first-date option? Because it seems like more of a family-fun type of place — and while I have no real problem with Williams trying to game the show for free publicity, I don't see how the CEO showcasing his "brand" as thoughtless dickishness helps the bottom line.
But that is one amazing paragraph right there. So much information; so much confusion. Thanks, Reality TV World!
Tags: Ashley Hebert Bentley Williams Bradelor! DUN! Chantal O'Brien eat a bee Emily Maynard hairdon'ts I have a castle on a cloud I like to go there GOD FUCK OFF Suzette Davis The Bachelorette The Sopranos