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The Vine

The Tomato Nation advice column addresses your questions on etiquette, grammar, romance, and pet misbehavior. Ask The Readers about books or fashion today!

Home » The Vine

The Vine: December 7, 2012

Submitted by on December 7, 2012 – 11:47 AM72 Comments


My family always had advent calendars growing up, and I am looking for suggestions for good advent calendars to purchase now. I am open to reusable or non-reusable ones.

There is also one particular advent calendar I have in mind. My parents purchased it at least twice. It tells the story of a little star that ends up being the star that guides the Wise Men to baby Jesus. The plot is a little bit like Rudolph or “The Little Engine That Could.” There is a little bit of text behind each day’s tab. This is probably my favorite advent calendar of all time and I would love to find it again. 

Thanks, Nation! Happy holidays and happy counting-down.

Advent Searcher

*****

Sars,

I think I recall you saying at some point that you read Prudie on Slate so I’m writing to get your take on a recent letter over there. The topic is invitation etiquette; I pasted the letter below. 

Q. Kid-Free Holiday Parties: I’m a childless mid-30s woman living in a downtown one-bedroom condo. I’m having a casual holiday get-together soon at my home, and my boyfriend and I are a bit at odds over invitations. I am not comfortable with having children over. That may seem terribly Scrooge-like to some, but my place is small, I prefer an adult vibe for my events, and the thought of sticky hands and shrieking after 48 hours of cooking and cleaning is more than I can handle. Is it OK to issue adults-only invitations? Is it better not to invite parents at all? I completely understand someone not wanting to get a baby sitter, and I’d be happy to meet with the kids in a restaurant or someone else’s home, but what’s the correct etiquette for my own home? None of the potential guests are relatives; they’re my boyfriend’s friends, and we don’t live together.

A: Yes, you’re entitled to have an adults-only party. So make it a “Holiday Cocktail” event at a time, say 7 to 9, that makes it clear children aren’t welcome. Many parents will enjoy getting a baby sitter and getting out. The ones that won’t should send their regrets.

My question isn’t really about if it’s okay to have an adults-only party, but if Prudie’s solution “makes it clear” the event isn’t for little ones. I’m in a similar situation to the LW…it’s a New Year’s party but that’s basically the only difference — oh, and I’m married, so obviously my husband and I live in the same place — but our apartment is pretty small. And I love my friends’ kids, I really do. But, you know. A lot of them are toddlers, and I’m planning to use the china. An infant would be okay, but really I’d rather not have to worry about it at all.

But you always say that people don’t take hints, so, my real question is, do you think Prudie’s advice would work? And if not, what would you say instead that would imply as nicely as possible that it’s not that I don’t want to hang out with your kids ever, but this isn’t for them and please don’t bring them? I get what Prudie’s saying, but the parents in my set don’t put their kids to bed that early, or care about drinking in front of them, so I don’t think that would be effective but I don’t want to be a Grinch either.

What would you do?

Benny 

Dear Ben,

Yeah, I remember that letter, and I also remember snorting at the “should send their regrets” part, because maybe they should…but there’s always someone who won’t, and when it comes to kid-free events, in my experience, you can’t have it both ways. You can put something like “absolutely no one under the age of 21” on the Evite, or you can be diplomatic and subtle and live with the two or three half-pints who show up.

I’d just do the second thing. It’s less agita to plan the party you want to have, and understand in advance that some folks may come by with kids and it doesn’t have to be the end of everything. I always mention on my invitations that revelers of all ages are welcome, but that my house and cats aren’t child-proofed, so invitees should call me with any concerns; that lets everyone feel welcome (and they are) but gives them to understand that my domicile generally is not a place for smaller children (and it isn’t).

I agree with you that Prudie’s “solution” seems like magical thinking, nostalgia for a bygone Cheeverian age when people still knew what time of day called for tea-length, and how to make an aspic (hi, Keckler!), so if you really don’t want kids there, you will have to say so. Like I said, I don’t think you should go that way, and here’s the other thing, if we can just be real here for a second: this is never about “kids.” “I don’t want kids at my wedding,” “I would prefer that there not be kids at the party” — okay, some people do legit hate all kids, but I’d say 98% of the time, it’s not really “kids.” It’s one or two specific kids whose parents are like, “…’Sugar’? Why, what does that do?” or would rather film little Tristan punching the souffle and post it to Facebook than make him stop doing it before you have a coronary.

And you already know exactly who that is in your circle, and you should just not invite that parent/couple. The vast majority of parents, they’re on it. They know what “overtired” looks like, and when to get between a small hand and a big piece of the Lenox. Trust them to act right. Those folks usually peace out by 9 PM anyway and you can have grownups-only time later on.

So, no, I don’t think Prudie’s advice is realistic, but I do think it’s helpful to look at what you really mean when you say “sticky hands and shrieking.” (That wasn’t you, but you know what I’m saying.) Don’t let one bad dwarf apple spoil the whole barrel, in other words.

Readers, you want to weigh in here?

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72 Comments »

  • Kristin says:

    One more note: As someone whose (very young and too broke for a babysitter) parents dragged them everywhere (she can just sleep in the car!) it was NO FUN AT ALL. I had a miserable time because I was expected to behave but then ignored while my parents and their friends did the grown-up things the parties were intended for. I don’t think my parents knew what they were doing, but in all honesty, it turned me into a very shy person for a while, since I was always sort of unwelcome AND there was never anyone there who was my age.

    If you really want to show off your little angels, how about YOU host a child-friendly party, YOU go through the trouble and spend the money…then you can decide the ages of the guests. Otherwise, suck it up and either pay for a sitter or don’t go. Trust me, the only person wanting your child at a non-child-friendly shindig is you.

  • Amy Number 512 says:

    People are clueless – there is nothing wrong with stating straight out, “21 and over.” You can even take the more jovial approach with wording as others have, but it’s your party, your rules. Not to mention, since this is a New Year’s Eve party you’re planning, it’s assumed that this party is going to go late. If you had a big house with a rec room for all the kids, problem solved. Park them in their with sparkling cider, some mac-n-cheese, and go have fun. But this is a small aparmtent and if kids show up, forget the whole “adult only vibe” you wanted, where are these kids going to end up if they can’t make it until midnight?

  • auburntiger says:

    My friends *with* kids themselves had a nice holiday/wine party every year. They just put that ‘babies under 6 months were fine’ (non-mobile). They got a sitter for their own kids and even those kids were kept out of the party.

    When the kids of all the friends were older (3 and up), they got a sitter for all and kept them in the basement (movies and kid snacks down there- parents popped in to check on their kids), but that was very doable in their big house. Not so in an apartment. So, that’d be my suggestion. Someone still might ignore it, but she never had that problem, so maybe the LW’s friends will be awesome, too.

  • auburntiger says:

    ‘so I responded as a “maybe” and emailed both hosts something like “Sounds great! Pending childcare arrangements, I’ll be there!” One wrote back “Oh! Please bring the baby!” so we did; the other wrote back “I hope you can make it, feel free to bring the baby” which seemed less enthusiastic, so we made babysitting arrangements.’

    That response is the BEST. ‘Pending childcare arrangements’ totally says you are willing to get a babysitter and doesn’t make the person feel like they *have* to invite your kiddo or feel like a jerk. And because it sounds like ‘I’ll see if I can get a sitter’ instead of ‘gosh, do I have to get a sitter?’, it allows the host to throw out a ‘yeah, hope you can find a sitter- Jenny has a great one if you need one’ or do what your friends did and invite the kid, too.

    I love it and I’m forwarding it to my friend who just had a baby and was trying to figure out how to tell folks she was more than
    happy to get a sitter.

    I nth the Star Wars Lego Advent calendar. Got it for my nephew last year- his folks bought it for him this year. Amazon had it cheap. If you search Amazon for Advent calendar, there are quite a few options, too.

  • erikagillian says:

    I’ve been getting my sister and I advent calendars from the Met recently (http://store.metmuseum.org/search?q=advent+calendar&categoryPathRefs=shop) I have the My Art Museum one this year (Last year was a Illuminated Manuscript one for me) and my sister has the birds in the tree one which is absolutely gorgeous (last year she had the Cloisters one). I’m 47 and she’s 50 :)

  • RobinP says:

    I already weighed in in favor of the adult only party, but this one is bothering me, so I’d like to share my own private horror story (even members of the TN screw up). I was invited to a fantasy football draft party at the home of people who are 1) family and 2) have young children. I brought my darling angel, who loves football and is also old enough to entertain herself with a book. I thought I was fine, and so did others, but as it turns out the hosts had sent their kids away for the evening and were left with a house full of kids not their own. I consider myself pretty sensitive to social nuances and that was horrible. So paresnts, when in doubt, either ask or leave Tristan home.

  • Leigh says:

    Just want to throw one very tiny hat in the ring for the parents here…I totally agree with everyone that people have the right to dictate the invitees of their own party, and that they should make that very clear, making no assumptions–AND that parents should ask if it isn’t specified and they’re unsure.

    However, all the “wtf why wouldn’t you just get a babysitter??” or “they should be GLAD to get a night away from their kids” type of comments…sometimes it’s hard to get a babysitter. I don’t mean it’s hard to get someone to watch your child for money, but it can be very hard to find a babysitter that you feel comfortable leaving your child with, especially when they are too young to reliably be able to communicate what they want or need, still need a lot of very parent-y type care, etc. I’m not just gonna call up some rando off of Craigslist and give her the key to my house and my most irreplaceable possession just to protect the vibe of your party, sorry. If you don’t want kids there that’s fine, but if that’s the case then I’ll be sending my regrets 99% of the time. We did have a great babysitter for a while, but she moved (*SOB*) and the invite has yet to come in that sounds tantalizing enough to go through the rigmarole of finding another.

    We’re lucky that we have lots of family in town and usually can find an available grandma if we want to have a date night or something, but most nighttime/child-free events I get invited to and think “sounds fun, but so not worth the hassle of finding a babysitter.” Now that my shorty is getting older I’ll probably find one soonish, because yes of course it’s great to get out of the house once in a while. But: a little perspective.

  • Nikki says:

    Aren’t there lots of websites with vetted babysitters? No one’s asking you to hire a rando on Craigslist.

  • Jacq says:

    If it’s an evening event, I don’t think any parent should assume that their children are included in the invitation: they should check before bringing them over. For a day event, however, I’d always assume that the kids were invited unless it was clear that there were not.

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    I’m not just gonna call up some rando off of Craigslist and give her the key to my house and my most irreplaceable possession just to protect the vibe of your party, sorry.

    No one expects you to do this. Your priorities are your priorities, and the point isn’t that you MUST get a sitter to attend a child-free party. The issue here is the people who DON’T stay home if they can’t get a sitter, and show up with a Tristan under each arm all “Becky cancelled, sor-reeeee!” You don’t do this, so everyone’s good.

  • Mary @ Parenthood says:

    @Amy – my point was that I personally appreciate it when hosts don’t arbitrarily and pre-emptively declare parties “adults-only”.

    I think it shows respect for my judgement when people aren’t all “oh – don’t bring your kid to a 10pm cocktail party”. And no offense intended to those who are “uncomfortable” with being their “real selves” when around kids, but quite frankly if your behaviour is unacceptable for kids, I’m probably uncomfortable around you too.

    Of course a party that is geared towards children has a different nature than one that is meant for adults, and of course there are lots of adult gatherings where a child would feel out of place, lonely and bored. I’m just saying that I personally appreciate when that judgement call is left to me, as the parent. To say that the host has the final say is absolutely correct (and trust me – I know about Tristans given that one of them trashed my kid’s playhouse in the summer, including unscrewing door knobs).

    That doesn’t change my feeling that an invite that doesn’t explicitly exclude parts of my family is more welcome than one that does.

  • RobinP says:

    @ Mary: We,ve all been using the funny and obvious examples of things that are inappropriate for the little ones, but there’s other stuff that needs to be filtered, too. My “real self” likes to discuss things like books and movies and news events, and my “real self” doesn’t necessarily want her political opinions repeated at the school playground. There are a lot of topics I filter for my daughter that I certainly hope wouldn’t make any of my adult friends uncomfortable. “Adult only” doesn’t have to equate to “raunchy drunk.” (I guess there are those who censor nothing for their kids, but that’s a different problem.)

    And if excluding the kids if really that offensive, then you always have the option of staying home.

  • not THAT momma says:

    We have a 2 yr old son and are having a game night with our cousins – one family with a 2 yr old & a 3 yr old, one family with a 6 monther, several childless. In the invitation, we flat out said “Book the babysitter now and plan to hang out for grown-up fun!” … Yes, we planned ahead to send our OWN kid away for the night because it’s no fun FOR US to have fun while shushing people because our Not-Tristan is sleeping and/or worrying about Cousin Junior and Juniorette being bored/annoying/tired. Sometimes a momma just wants to get her cocktail(s) on without being in charge of anyone else (her own or others’) ..

  • Clover says:

    I’m pondering what Mary writes, because I’m pretty sure when I was a kid people didn’t specify “kids welcome” or “no kids” on invites, and people just got it.

    I remember plenty of evenings with babysitters, as well as a handful of occasions when I went to people’s houses and it was clearly an adult-oriented gathering (by which I mean conversations about grownup stuff, not keg stands by the bonfire) and I read a book in the other room while the grownups did their grownup thing.

    I think it wasn’t generally much of an issue in part because my parents didn’t have any friends who didn’t have kids. Their whole friendship circle had a shared set of norms and expectations. Everyone’s house was kid-friendly.

    As a twenty- and thirtysomething without kids, I had the opposite set of norms and expectations. My dwelling was in no way kid-appropriate, and the gatherings I hosted weren’t, either. But I never had to give it much thought because I didn’t have any friends with kids, so there was never a question of them being there.

    It gets weird when the parents and non-parents mix, because each of them has a different set of givens. I’ve got stepkids now and have a circle of both parent and non-parent friends. I would never assume my stepkids were invited to a friend’s party unless explicitly invited. And if I hosted a party, I’d want the default assumption to be that kids weren’t welcome unless explicitly invited. Based on experience, I wouldn’t leave it to the parents I know to make that judgment call for a mixed gathering. Too many of them would fail. And yes, I’m looking at you, Mary.

    Having kids around does change the vibe of the gathering. I’m sorry, but it does. That’s not a judgment on your kid or an indication that the party is going to be an orgy or something. It might simply mean we’re going to eat yucky grownup food and drink yucky adult beverages and wear fancy clothes and express ourselves a little more colorfully than we would in range of little ears.

  • Kristin says:

    @Mary, I see what you’re getting at, but I also think that the host’s job is to make the largest percentage of people have a good time, and for *some* people, they need the rules spelled out. Like the dress code – you wouldn’t want to have a black-tie party that no one knew was going to be black tie! So putting “adults only” on the invitation isn’t meant as a slight on your kids or your judgment so much as it is a message to everyone who attends as to what kind of party it is and what they can expect.

    And I find it easier to focus on the positive of getting the invitation at all and my company being desired for whatever kind of shindig it ends up being.

  • Isabel C. says:

    What Clover said.

    Also? There’s a reason “you have to invite everyone to everything” is a Geek Social Fallacy. If I want to have a girls’ night, for instance, I expect that anyone I’m friends with won’t get all het up because well HER boyfriend is totally respectful and loves getting his nails done and if we’re going to talk about all the horrible unladylike things we can’t mention around men then she doesn’t want to hang out with us anyhow.

    Because trust me: the not wanting to hang out with goes both ways, there. As it does with the kid/non-kid spectrum.

  • Sandman says:

    I think it shows respect for my judgement when people aren’t all “oh – don’t bring your kid to a 10pm cocktail party”

    And it shows respect for the host’s wishes (and consideration for the other guests) to take the terms of an invitation seriously. No one has argued for the exclusion of children (or parents) generally.

  • Tina says:

    I’ve been thinking about this thread all week, b/c I’m throwing myself a birthday party tonight, and kids-or-no-kids was a huge theme of the planning. After a lot of discussion, my boyfriend and I decided to invite kids; that way, we don’t have to send our own to a sitter, there’s less chaos, and since it’s the middle of December, a lot of people are probably thinking ‘family stuff’. We were totally wrong – everyone’s like ‘Yay! We’re getting a sitter and partying!’. Except us of course!

    I do have a feeling we might see some unexpected kids, after yesterday’s awfulness, and that’s fine, but I did find it hilarious that everyone was thrilled to have a reason to get a sitter. And since I invited them all, the basement’s all ready for them to be relegated there, card (dinner) table and all!

  • MizShrew says:

    I agree with Sandman. The host gets to decide who they want in their home. Period. They may respect the judgement of their friends who are parents, they may adore children, they may regularly have child-friendly gatherings, and then STILL not want kids at a specific party. The hosts are not required to provide a reason, either. Although I did enjoy the “open flames and cursing” line and may steal that someday.

    And parents who get all sniffy about it are exactly the reason it is best to specify on the invite if it’s an adults-only event. If the invitee decides that the host isn’t someone she wants to hang out with because they don’t welcome children, I can understand that. But the guests do not get to dictate how, and to whom, and invitation is extended.

    With all that said, I think Sars made an excellent point about most of us knowing who the sniffy and/or Tristan-rearing parents are among our friends, and maybe it’s best just not to invite them if you know they’ll either get offended or ignore the instructions and bring Tristan. Of course this can get complicated if Tristan-mommy is your sister or something. But if that’s the situation then you may just have to plan for the bedroom to be kid-land for the duration of the party and hope for the best.

  • Susie says:

    “Jimmy was useless AND he ate all the maraschino cherries. What a Tristan he turned out to be.”

    I would like to officially place my order for a thousand t-shirts with this printed on them. Much obliged.

  • Jem says:

    A little late to the party but still throwing in my two cents.

    @Mary – I don’t think an “adults only” invitation is necessarily meant as a question of your judgment. Of course you know your daughter better than anyone. You might also know that she’d be fine quietly reading a book in the corner of a bar while you met with friends there, but that still wouldn’t be allowed by the establishment.

    As a non parent with lots of parent friends, I spend a lot of time around them with their children. An “adults only” invitation from me would not imply, “Your kid is a Tristan and I don’t want his destructive ass in my house,” or even, “This is my call because it’s my booze and cuss filled orgy-fest, deal with it.” It could also mean, “Hey, Friend – I miss hanging out with you when you don’t have to be in mom-mode. Any chance you could still do that for a night?” Personally I find that the majority of parents I know want that too once in a while.

  • Sandman says:

    So Jimmy couldn’t mix a Manhattan, then? [kicks dirt]

    Here’s the thing: children make excellent bartenders. They don’t freestyle!

    No, Jimmy was useless AND he ate all the maraschino cherries. What a Tristan he turned out to be.

    It’s gems like this that make me love the Nation so!

    Happy New Year, everyone.

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