"I wrote 63 songs this year. They're all about Jeter." Just kidding. The game we love, the players we hate, and more.

Culture and Criticism

From Norman Mailer to Wendy Pepper — everything on film, TV, books, music, and snacks (shut up, raisins), plus the Girls' Bike Club.

Donors Choose and Contests

Helping public schools, winning prizes, sending a crazy lady in a tomato costume out in public.

Stories, True and Otherwise

Monologues, travelogues, fiction, and fart humor. And hens. Don't forget the hens.

The Vine

The Tomato Nation advice column addresses your questions on etiquette, grammar, romance, and pet misbehavior. Ask The Readers about books or fashion today!

The Vine: August 13, 2002
August 13, 2002 · No Comment

Dear Sars,
I agree with your take on MP's problem. I would add that sometimes people inexperienced with drug and alcohol use can overestimate the seriousness of it when they see it. Mary's drug and alcohol …

Advanced Conversational Feline
August 12, 2002 · No Comment

"Well, that's a very sad story, and I feel for you, but it isn't time for your lunch."
"Get down. Get down. No, no, no — down on the floor. The desk is for humans. The …

The Vine: August 21, 2003
August 11, 2002 · No Comment

Sars, another answer for Quoi Faire would be to check into refinancing the mortgage now that she has that full-time good job. Having the job is a substantial financial change for the positive, so a …

The Vine: August 9, 2002
August 9, 2002 · No Comment

Hey there Sars! I've been reading your site for a while now and find you very astute, and very funny. I'm hoping that you can help me with another usage question…
A while ago, a friend …

The Vine: August 7, 2002
August 7, 2002 · No Comment

Hey Sars! I love TN, especially the Collected Cat Rants, and when I realized I had a dilemma, I thought it should go to you.
Welcome to The High School Soap Opera. The key players are …

The Vine: August 6, 2002
August 6, 2002 · No Comment

I'm a 22-year-old virgin who has absolutely no desire to have sex. I've had two boyfriends in my life, one when I was 17 and one when I was 20, but again, no desire to …

Life On Io
August 5, 2002 · No Comment

It is the job of the fifth-grade girl to master all things Ew, Gross. She must seek out Ew, Gross tirelessly; she must react to Ew, Gross with melodramatic shrieking, squirming, eye-shielding, and simulated gagging; …

The Vine: August 2, 2002
August 2, 2002 · No Comment

Hi Sars,
Okay. There's this boy. I've known him for about two years, and I've been seriously interested in him — strongly infatuated with him, anyway — for a ridiculously long time now, a little over …

The Vine: August 1, 2002
August 1, 2002 · No Comment

An interesting (if by "interesting" I mean "infuriating and rage-inducing") situation blindsided me yesterday, and I thought I'd run it past you.
Two of my closest friends are getting married in August (as in marrying each …

The Vine: July 31, 2002
July 31, 2002 · No Comment

Hey there Sars —
I have a problem that I'm pretty sure has never been covered in your illustrious column. See, my otherwise lovely and well-behaved husband is a compulsive talker.
And when I say "compulsive," I …