Baseball

“I wrote 63 songs this year. They’re all about Jeter.” Just kidding. The game we love, the players we hate, and more.

Culture and Criticism

From Norman Mailer to Wendy Pepper — everything on film, TV, books, music, and snacks (shut up, raisins), plus the Girls’ Bike Club.

Donors Choose and Contests

Helping public schools, winning prizes, sending a crazy lady in a tomato costume out in public.

Stories, True and Otherwise

Monologues, travelogues, fiction, and fart humor. And hens. Don’t forget the hens.

The Vine

The Tomato Nation advice column addresses your questions on etiquette, grammar, romance, and pet misbehavior. Ask The Readers about books or fashion today!

My Kingdom For A No-Doz
March 19, 2000 · No Comment

The Academy Awards remind me of New Year’s Eve. For weeks, nobody can talk about anything else, and the hype keeps snowballing bigger and bigger until even non-entertainment-related publications like Scientific American and Car & …

Look Out Below
February 19, 2000 · No Comment

Over the weekend, I stopped in at my parents’ house – I’d gone on a road trip, and I needed to return my trusty car Shadow to the carport where she lives most of the …

Hillary Go Home
February 19, 2000 · 3 Comments

“Women in particular expressed their distaste [for Hillary Rodham Clinton] in strong but inchoate terms. . . . two prominent Democratic officials told me, independently, that they had noticed much the same pattern in talking …

It’s A Short Short Short Short World
February 19, 2000 · One Comment

In my socks, I stand five feet ten inches. Well, really only five feet nine-and-three-quarters inches, but my driver’s license says five-ten, and I’ve learned not to argue with the New Jersey DMV, especially since …

The Bank Of No Return
February 19, 2000 · One Comment

I have a question to pose to the readership, and if anyone out there can answer this question, I’d really appreciate it. I’d like to know what I have to suck to get five minutes …

Post Office Terror!
January 19, 2000 · No Comment

Thank god the holidays have ended. I like the holidays, but I’d had enough. I’d had enough shopping, I’d had enough eggnog, I’d had enough Y2Krisis “news,” I’d had enough “Deck The Halls” and “Auld …

Killer Apps
January 19, 2000 · No Comment

I finally got my act together and sent out my last grad-school application over the weekend. After grappling with these things for several weeks, I’ve come to the conclusion that admissions offices design their applications …

Wanted: Househusband
January 19, 2000 · No Comment

A couple of weeks ago, the Biscuit and I parted ways. I feel okay about it, all things considered, but now I have to find a brand-new impressionable boy to train as the househusband on …

The Winter Is My Discontent
January 19, 2000 · No Comment

It happens on a different day every year, but every year there comes a day when I stand at a crosswalk, hunched against the wind, shivering, my nose not merely running but sprinting on pace …

Staying Drunk
December 19, 1999 · No Comment

When pop-culture mavens bemoan the suck-assity of movie sequels, we usually point to a few universally recognized examples of overt greed, poor judgment, and sixty-eight cracked-out chimps locked in a room, the better to bludgeon …