"I wrote 63 songs this year. They're all about Jeter." Just kidding. The game we love, the players we hate, and more.

Culture and Criticism

From Norman Mailer to Wendy Pepper — everything on film, TV, books, music, and snacks (shut up, raisins), plus the Girls' Bike Club.

Donors Choose and Contests

Helping public schools, winning prizes, sending a crazy lady in a tomato costume out in public.

Stories, True and Otherwise

Monologues, travelogues, fiction, and fart humor. And hens. Don't forget the hens.

The Vine

The Tomato Nation advice column addresses your questions on etiquette, grammar, romance, and pet misbehavior. Ask The Readers about books or fashion today!

Behind The Scenes
September 16, 1998 · No Comment

Okay, people, can we get started? Okay. I hope someone remembered to get me some cigarettes – okay, thank god. Pass that ashtray down here and let’s get this over with.
The first order of business …

The "Great" Outdoors
August 16, 1998 · No Comment

In my youth – before I discovered challenging intellectual pursuits like General Hospital and lying on my back with my feet up on the wall talking on the telephone until I lost circulation in my …

Parental Supervision
August 16, 1998 · No Comment

I don’t like kids. I have never liked kids. Even as a kid, I didn’t like kids. Okay, certain children can give my heartstrings a tug sometimes. One time I went browsing in a home …

Stop The Killing
August 16, 1998 · No Comment

It probably hasn’t escaped the notice of even the most casual Tomato Nation reader that I have a lot of hostility. I get annoyed easily; in fact, I get really annoyed really easily. But when …

Keeping It Clean
July 16, 1998 · 3 Comments

This morning, as I stood in front of my closet and pondered what to wear, I felt something fuzzy brush against my legs. Assuming that the cat had wandered over to help me select an …

Know Thine Emmy
July 16, 1998 · No Comment

On August 29, the Academy Of Television Arts And Sciences will dole out this year’s Emmy Awards. Let’s not discuss the fact that typing the words "Academy Of Television Arts And Sciences" gave me a …

U.S. Highway One: Straight No Chaser (Part 2)
June 16, 1998 · No Comment

Welcome to the conclusion of my U.S. Highway 1 adventure highlights. As I drove further south, I crossed not only state lines but also the fine line between confusion and outright annoyance. For example . …

Clothes Make The Man
June 16, 1998 · No Comment

In general, I dislike making generalizations about men, because it seems as though every time I take a swallow of my pint of Bass and gesture importantly with my cigarette while expounding on the similarity …

The Penthouse Proofreader's FAQ
June 16, 1998 · No Comment

Last week, after two years as a proofreader, I quit my job at Penthouse Magazine. Yes, "that Penthouse Magazine." I have had some exceedingly random jobs in my life – from stable hand to church …

I Mind Your Manners
June 16, 1998 · No Comment

During my formative years, I cannot count how many times my mother looked around the dinner table at me and my younger brother and then covered her eyes with her hand and sighed in despair. …