Shut up, St. Patrick's Day
Ireland, Irish people, Irish culture, Irish Spring soap, Kathy Ireland — I've got no beef with them, corned or otherwise. I could do without shitty Oirish accents of film and television, but that's not Ireland's fault, and neither is St. Patrick's Day, but St. Patrick's Day needs to bite me, and here's why:
1. I look like crap in kelly green.
2. The city is overrun with amateur drinkers. You know the guy: wearing an obnoxious green plastic bowler hat and 38 sets of Mardi Bragh beads, downing Guinness and Jameson in the wrong order and chundering half-digested corned beef and cabbage in every gutter from Riverside to Canarsie — if he gets as far as the gutter. And then you see him outside the deli, boot chunks on his Notre Dame sweatshirt (and/or Chipstrocious "kiss my Blarney Stones" t-shirt), squinting with one eye at the filter end of the Parliament Light he's mistakenly aiming into his lighter flame while totally blocking the door, and from inside you hear his girlfriend sing-song that the chips won't stop spiiiiii-nniiiiiiing, and it's like, the guy's last name is probably "Negroponte" or some shit that basically means the closest he's come culturally to Limerick is "there once was a girl from Nantucket," and also, I just want to buy some toilet paper and not to get bralfed on, so can't he just get drunk at home, and the other thing is that it's one-thirty in the afternoon.
3. Cooked cabbage: tastes fine, smells like a bathtub fart trapped in an old shoe, combines with beer to create aggressive flatus that makes public transportation downright unlivable on March 18.
4. Does anyone listen to the Pogues the other 364 days of the year? No. Go figure.
5. Shut up, leprechauns.
6. What happened to the Shamrock Shake? (On the same topic: does Carvel still make the St. Pat's ice-cream cake that's Fudgie turned on its side and coated in soylent green?)
Tags: Chipsters on parade city living curmudgeoning music shut up bagpipes St. Patrick's Day