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Home » Stories, True and Otherwise

The NC Double Scrooge Semifinals: Round Two

Submitted by on December 19, 2010 – 1:06 PM35 Comments

Ack: December dates that start with 2! Travel stressing, muffling Barbie's dream house in six miles of wrapping paper, sitting bolt upright at 3:28 AM all "stocking stuffers, shit shit shit," not to mention the Hoff lurking creep-mantically outside your window. It's GO TIME.

It's also time to pick the worst of the worst in the social, song, and specials divisions: in-laws, treacly synthesizers, Jim Carrey, Sandra Lee. Yikes.

(If you haven't voted in the other semifinal polls yet, don't delay — the final of Christmas present approacheth!)

NC Double Scrooge Family Semifinal: Pick Your LEAST Favorite

  • Family-visit politicking (38%, 417 Votes)
  • Trying to make everything perfect, which just results in making everything and everyone miserable (33%, 359 Votes)
  • The Christmas letter that is a poorly punctuated brag-a-thon (29%, 317 Votes)

Total Voters: 1,092

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NC Double Scrooge Songbook Semifinal: Pick Your LEAST Favorite

  • "The Christmas Shoes" (44%, 469 Votes)
  • "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" (29%, 308 Votes)
  • "Wonderful Christmastime," Paul "Smugbob Casiopants" McCartney (26%, 278 Votes)

Total Voters: 1,055

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NC Double Scrooge Storybook Semifinal: Pick Your LEAST Favorite

  • How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Jim Carrey) (51%, 519 Votes)
  • A Christmas Carol (Tori Spelling) (19%, 192 Votes)
  • Sandra Lee's special (15%, 155 Votes)
  • Polar Express (15%, 150 Votes)

Total Voters: 1,016

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  • Southern Shannon says:

    The leering Christmas Hoff pic is worse than all of the poll choices combined, and squared! Can't sleep… the Hoff will melt my eyes and replace them with artificial acorns.

  • Jas says:

    GAH! What is The Hoff doing up there? "I got this for yooooou…plus, a candle, because I cut the power. And the phones."

  • Tracey says:

    That picture of the Hoff is going to haunt my dreams.

  • TashiAnn says:

    After voting and reading the comments from the previous songbook round I had that stupid ass "Wonderful Christmastime" stuck in my head for the next 24 hours. Every time I woke up in the middle of the night (and at 8 1/2 months pregnant that's multiple times) the stupid song was in my head. I'm very glad it made it to the next round just so I could vote for it again.

  • Amanda says:

    I agree with Shannon. It's going to give me Hoffmares.

    Glad to see none of the songs I like made it to the semifinals. Having successfully avoided "The Christmas Shoes" my entire life (though it was offered to me in a Christmas-music-exchange-avaganza the other day; I declined), I had to give my vote to SmugBob CasioPants. Piss on your Prophet-5, Sir Paul.

    And though I have not seen the original Grinch in many years, I listened earlier to Thurl Ravenscroft singing about his preference for a seasick crocodile over the Grinch himself, and thus my vote went to the Jim Carrey abomination.

  • Mystery Amanda says:

    The Hoff picture compelled me to go watch this.

    You're welcome.

  • Laura says:

    "muffling Barbie's dream house in six miles of wrapping paper"
    You must have been watching me wrap one of my husband's presents (this: the other day. Should have gone the gift-bag route on that one.

    The Hoff looks like he's going to burn down my house. Gah.

  • Jennifer M. says:

    That Hoff picture is FREAKING me out!

  • Jenn says:

    What's in the box, Hoff? WHAT'S IN THE BOX?

  • Amy says:

    Having spent much time in Germany, the Hoff knows the super-secret method for using a candle to make a tree burst into flame in 3… 2… 1…

  • adam807 says:

    As soul-destroying as the lyrics of "The Christmas Shoes" are, at least it is vaguely musically redeemable. I mean, it's awful, but it HAS A MELODY. And, bonus, it doesn't get stuck in my head. McCartney's, however… I mean, how can the man who wrote "Yesterday" have churned out that thing? It's forever baffling.

  • Juju says:

    Wow, I don't know any of the songs, and I haven't seen any of the TV specials. It would seem that my lifelong distaste for this holiday has kept me insulated from some of its more obnoxious trappings.

  • Lindsay says:

    Confession: I still kinda like "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"…
    I'll see myself out, now.

  • Jen M. says:

    The Hoff stars in a remake of "Black Christmas." Eeeek!

  • Jeanne says:

    @Lindsay, I'm with you. I had no idea that song was considered bad, it will always be awesome to me.

  • adam807 says:

    @Lindsay Me too! I think I was at just the right age when I heard it, sort of like Weird Al. Also, I love a Christmas song in which someone DIES. (Though by that logic I guess I should also like "The Christmas Shoes.")

  • ferretrick says:

    "Grandma Got Run Over" is redeemed by this:

    Personally, I think the Hoff still looks rather fetching in that pic. I'd let him in.

    I probably wouldn't make it long in a horror film would I?

  • Cindy says:

    @Lindsey, me too. I think the deal is that the song is too kitschy to be in the "Lite Holiday Favorites" rotation that plays in every store at this time of the year, and so it doesn't suffer from the overkill factor that others (cough WONDERFUL CHRISTMASTIME cough) do.

  • Laura says:

    Having received a Christmas letter one year that summed up my friend's new husband with the phrase "Roger has a private plane, which is very convenient", I could vote only one way.

  • Isis Uptown says:

    I reiterate; Paul McCartney is my sixth favorite Beatle. (George, John, Stu Sutcliffe, Ringo, Pete Best, Paul.)

  • Rachel says:

    I had to play "Wonderful Christmastime" in band one year. Hearing it once a season is bad enough – having to rehearse it every day for at least a month is not actually that terrible. I'm pretty sure my brain formed a callus or something as a defense.

    I still voted for it, though. Shut up, Paul.

  • Jen S 1.0 says:

    Burn in Hell, Christmas Shoes. Burn. In. Hell.

    The Hoff is here to light your way.

  • Lynne says:

    In order to purge the annoying McCartney earworm and to counteract the horror of The Hoff, I think everyone should go forth to Youtube to watch Wham's Last Christmas video. One of the best pieces of cheese the 80s ever produced.

  • Lori says:

    I am so using that photo of the Hoff for my Christmas cards next year to counteract the impersonal photo cards I get of kids/grandkids.

  • Louisa says:

    Someone linked it last round, but please: if you have ever heard Christmas Shoes, it is essential to see the Youtube animation for Patton Oswalt's denouncing of it. And if you haven't heard the song, it's like ear insurance, in case you ever do hear it you'll know someone else understands.

  • mctwin says:

    Too All Commentors, (Commenters?),
    I've been telling my friends/sisters/co-workers/pets to read the comments for the NC Double Scrooge! You guys are KILLING me! Seriously, I'm in oxygen debt from so much laughing! YOU are the best thing about this holiday season!

    The second-best version of the Twelve Days of Christmas after the Muppets? The Twelve Pains of Christmas; the dude with the Christmas Cards! "Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!!" The woman putting up with the in-laws, "She's a WITCH! I HATE her!!" I'm terrible at hyperlinks, so happy YouTube-ing!!

  • Kymster says:

    Love the Hoff! Would let him in the door any time. I met the Hoff when I was turning 20 (they were filming Knight Rider where I worked), and he was the kindest man. My 20th b-day was one of the days they were filming, and he took a bunch of pictures with me, and I got to ride in one of the KITTs (there were about 8 of them). When it turned out that the person taking the pictures had overexposed the film, he retook all the pictures with me.

    He couldn't have been nicer.

  • JeniMull says:

    That Hoff picture is beyond fantastic.

    That damn "Christmas Shoes" came on the radio the other day and I found myself overthinking those damn lyrics about the dying mother and that stupid god-forsaken tv movie of it. My marshmallow heart almost started buying into it (thinking of my kiddos, blah blah blah sentimentcakes) – but then I thought of the Glorious Citizenry of the Tomato Nation – and I refused – REFUSED – to be coerced into giving a rat's ass about the fate of that stupid kid and his stupid, fake, dying mother.

    And somehow that felt very much in the Holiday Spirit to me – although reading it now, I see that I sound like a sociopath…

  • Margaret says:

    While I was going to go with the photo of the Hoff which scares me every time I see it in the tube, this article amuses me even more:

  • Laura says:

    Cannot stand 'Christmas Shoes' but really enjoyed this spoof of it from the 'This hour has 22 Minutes' Christmas special:

  • Rebecca says:

    I have treasured the Television Without Pity recap of the "Christmas Shoes" made-for-TV movie for several years now:

    Aaaaand now I just went through and re-read the whole thing again.

    BTW, I'm pretty sure that "Stocking stuffers shit shit shit" moment has happened to me several times already this past week and is almost guaranteed to continue through 3:18 am on the 25th, which is usually when I finish wrapping and placing said stuffers.

  • Canadian Guy says:

    Mystery Amanda:
    You… I….That…
    Wow! How could I have reached the age of 53 , and never seen that video?
    If loving the "Hoff" is wrong…
    Thank you , and , Thank YOU

  • Maru says:

    I had to look up "Christmas Shoes" and it is dreadful. But is it worse than this slice of mawkish dreck?

  • Sandman says:

    My god, Rudolf's nose is in that box, I just know it.

    BTW, I'm pretty sure that "Stocking stuffers shit shit shit" moment has happened to me several times already this past week

    So glad to know I'm not alone.

  • Jaybird says:

    @Mystery Amanda: You just racked up the kind of karmic debt that ain't NOBODY gonna bail you out of. Heh.

    It's not a song, but:

    I now regard Kenny Loggins in a whole new light. A scary, greenish light, but still.

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