Girl: please.

Jersey Shore. It's sort of interesting to see how the relationships and interactions in the house have evolved from typical Real World-y "who ate my pickles"/"fuck you"-type fare to, basically, office politics among co-workers at a very weird job. The arguments and bonding moments seem to happen in professional and choreographed manner. I wouldn't say it's entirely contrived at this point, but it's not very compelling anymore now that Ron and Sam have figured out how to conduct a relationship (quietly; mostly off-camera) and everyone else has figured out that the Situation is a shit-starter. I do enjoy most of them, though; I hope S5 is the last, so that I can continue to enjoy them.

L&O SVU. I like the addition of Giddish; I have liked Pino on other things, but I don't care for him here. Something is visually off, like he needs to put on 20 pounds or something — and could the ouster of Stabler have come off any more abruptly? It's almost irrelevant, because of course everyone knows the status of Chris Meloni's contract and so on, but they couldn't even arrange for one scene? Poochie returning to his home planet was less awkward than that exposition.

I still enjoy the show, though. Its quintessential over-the-topness still remains. I do have a quibble with the wavy hairstyle on Hargitay, which doesn't suit her.

Mad Fashion. I wanted to like it, because I loved Chris March on Runway, but at only half an hour, it still draaaaaags. (And not in the fun way, heh.) And it's weirdly unenlightening, too, in a way that suggests it would actually move faster with a full hour to work with. As it is, it's like, here's the brief, here's how it's totally impossible to execute, the client hates it; commercial; all fixed, client's happy, wah wahhhhh. Like, what? I don't really care about the particular guest star/client; I want to see how the sausage gets made, not drama with no backstory. Punted after two episodes.

Prime Suspect: The New Class. I gave it a chance, and I actually like it. It doesn't try to copy the original, really, and it's got some very good, under-sung actors on it (Acevedo is usually a sign of quality); Bello is in fact cast perfectly here. It can get heavy-handed at times — the sexism on the squad; the interactions with her boyfriend's ex, who is a finely-drawn cartoon but a cartoon nonetheless — but the writing has wit and it generally holds up as a procedural. If the wardrobe department can find a way to phase out the much-pilloried hat, great, but overall the show is a pleasant surprise.

Project Accessory. It's early yet, but I'll probably stick with it, although the first elimination struck me as bullshit, and obviously engineered to create more drama down the line. If you want to find the best designer, you keep Cotrice, who had way too much going on, over Nicolina, who choked and didn't do much at all. If you want to create the most drama, on the other hand…

And I hesitate to get into this, because I am as white and square as a bathroom tile, but between the response to Kimberly's styling on Project Runway and the response to Cotrice, it seems like the judges (or producers, or whoever) don't get urban style. It's one thing not to respond to a given design element, like a color or a shape or whatever, but it's like they just don't acknowledge it at all, that so many people already wear (and rock) these things, whether it's brights or big earrings or a ton of metallics piled on top of each other.

I for one would like to see that discussion: the tension between designs that reflect current urban trends, and the fact that editorial fashion is often aimed at the very rich. Do you necessarily want to try to go there in your capacity as a reality-show judge? No. But you could at least acknowledge that there's a conversation to be had.

Project Runway. …Uch. I dug Anya at first, because she's undeniably chic and pretty, and I liked her shaved-sides hairstyle and her stacks of bracelets. She's cool, definitely. It's not a reason to keep her, though, and as the season wore on and it became clear that the producers would do whatever they had to do, bend whatever rules they had to bend, and make whatever last-minute changes they had to make not only to keep her in the competition until the finals, but to engineer her victory, I started to despise Anya. It isn't her fault that this is how it went down, but I do not believe for one second that she didn't know what was going on, and the feigning of surprise every time she dodged another bullet that obviously was never going to hit her grossed me out.

Tom and Lorenzo made these points and others eloquently and repeatedly, so you can just step over there and read what they had to say about the season, but their overall assessment that the season unfolded based on personalities and backstage narratives, not on talent or achievements, is right on. As much as I loathed Wendy Pepper, I could understand how she got as far as she did. Someone else always sucked more than she did in a given week, then she had a couple of well-timed wins…it was annoying, but it read as fair. This is just disappointing, because, you know, we know the fix is in, and that in and of itself is not a big problem, but when it's this obvious and this cynical, the show becomes boring.

I'll watch the All-Star season, obvs, but Bunim-Murray needs to get their shit together with this.

"I think it says 'fragile,' honey."

It's the interpersonal aspects of the holidays that cause the most stress — not because we hate everyone, either, although rage does occasionally play a role. It's more about performance anxiety. Did we get the right presents? Can we get home in time to trim the tree with Mom? Have we overthought the Secret Santa at work? Does coffee-cart lady get a tip?

Welcome to the family/social wing of the NC Double Scrooge house, where abrasive in-laws and impenetrable assembly instructions meet for a drink and settle their differences (and also where we hucked in all the poll choices we forgot in previous rounds).

"Pardon me, Major, but this rating is bullshit."

by Sarah D. Bunting

Updated bracket is here. Confused? Click here. Polls for Flight 1 close 11:59 AM ET on Thursday.

1 Skittles vs. 9 Sour Patch Kids. I have nothing to do with the newfangled tropical Skittles, but the original Skittle is a fine thing. It's the rare candy whose lime iteration isn't disgusting. Kids have their passionate followers, and I do enjoy the occasional stroll through the Sour Patch, but I'd pick Skittles over SPKs every time, and I think you-all will as well.

12 Jujubes vs. 4 Life Savers. You can insert your own "bad Juju" jokes here; I consider Jujubes a plasticky excuse for a candy. Butter-rum Life Savers, meanwhile, are a tiny, round piece of evidence that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Besides, Jujubes only made it out of the Round of 64 because its opponent there is widely reviled. Life Savers, no problem.

6 Gummi/Haribo-verse vs. 3 Reese's Pieces. Other kids' addiction-level love of Gummi Bears is one of those things, like thinking Kirk Cameron was cute, that I just never got back in the day. I understood that it was a default sort of opinion, but I didn't share it. Gummi bears taste faintly sour to me, and the clear ones in particular have a vurpy flavor whose appeal is a mystery. That appeal is also undeniable, and you've got a lot of people who love those peaches and cola-flavored worms and whatnot. I'm not going to say RPs won't have a fight on their hands, but peanut-butter-based candy is tough to beat, and won't be beaten here.

10 Jolly Ranchers vs. 2 Red Vines. The Jolly Rancher is another candy other kids in my class loved and would get into physical altercations over; I thought they were just okay. They've got my vote here for sure, though, and the following story should explain why. During a TWoP staff meeting in Vegas years ago, sitting at the front of the room while Wing is speaking, I'm feeling snacky and Djb has just busted out some Red Vines, so I accepted a Vine from his package. ["Hew." -- Keckler] I've never tried one, and I love that Aimee Mann song about them, so I figure, what the hell. It's just red licorice, right?

Four chews into the thing, I realize that I have made a hew-rrendous mistake and now have only two choices. I can hock the thing into a napkin in front of the entire staff, grossing them out with my bloody Red-Vine drool…or I can force myself to swallow it, then barf on the entire staff, grossing them out with well duh. Complicating matters is the utter dearth of napkins anywhere nearby, so I wind up sploofing a mouthful of masticated Red Vine into an empty cigarette pack. ["Wow. I have absolutely no recollection of that happening. I was probably drunk." -- Keckler]

And that description is about one fifteenth as revolting as Red Vines themselves. "Acquired taste," my Aunt Fanny — how does one "acquire" a taste for a bowl of dicks coated in spray adhesive and dragged across the floor of a garage? Get thee behind us, Red Vines. Just-Okay Ranchers for the win.

1 Twizzlers/Nibs vs. 8 PayDay. PayDay benefited from facing the inessential Dot in the last round, but up against an opponent that isn't a colored rock, it's facing almost certain defeat. The Nib is mighty. ["Embarrassing confession time: I had a huge crush on this guy named Yuri in high school, so I really grooved on the fact that Twizzlers are made by Y&S candies because CLEARLY that meant we were 2B 2-gether 4-evah. Also, Yuri's best friend's name was Nate, which spawned endless 'YuriNate' hilarity and which, for the record, I still think is funny." -- Keckler]

5 Kraft caramels vs. 4 Swedish Fish. I dread voting in this match-up; I love them both, for very different reasons. But I love Kraft caramels more, so I'll probably vote for them — and while I think they'll win, a Scandinavian victory wouldn't surprise me. ["D'oh! I can't believe I forgot to get Kraft caramels for Halloween this year! I love those little squashy cubes of buttery perfection." -- Keckler]

6 Jelly Bellies vs. 3 candy corn. Tough call. I mean, not for me personally — I'll back the corn — but, while I think many people love candy corn as intensely as I do, I also think many people hate it (and when it comes to the chocolate "Indian corn," I feel that). I don't know that anyone "hates" Jelly Bellies that way, and sometimes that's what it comes down to. Could go either way. ["Did anyone else turn the corns upside-down and jam one each incisor to make vampire fangs? Just me then? Okay." -- Keckler]

7 fruit slices vs. 2 Starburst. AUGH! I have to side with slices, they're my favorite! But that means I can't vote for Starburst, which I also cherish, especially the strawberry ones! They fit so perfectly onto the roof of the mouth! They retain their chewiness for weeks! They're the only cherry candy I actively like, versus tolerating at best!

…I should cut the dramatics; I love fruit slices, but I doubt they survive this round, so I can just vote for Starburst next time.

"Shut Up, Penhall" count: SHUT UP, HANSON!

Penhall rides his motorcycle in a suit and tie and makes over-the-top Brando grief faces.

Hoffs visits the orcas at the aquarium, wears black, and cries.

Hanson, standing at a scenic river overlook, gazes at Jenko's badge and broods, then hucks the badge into the water.Jenko doesn't have a family that might want that?

Ioki, all in white, practices tai chi.Sad tai chi.

Graveside, where a department higher-up — the same guy who assigned Hanson to Jump Street in the pilot, I believe — gives a weird eulogy that starts out along the lines of "becoming a cop is likely to get you killed," then heads into "I remember every single cop funeral I've attended," before concluding with a tearful and blamey rant about how it's a damn shame Jenko didn't die in the line of duty, "like a man, like a good cop."Apparently, it's a drunk driver who's actually responsible for Jenko's demise.As Penhall crams sunglasses on to hide his tears (or, more likely, Peter DeLuise's inability to produce any on cue), I head to Google to refresh my memory on why Frederic Forrest left the show.I seem to recall that he'd only initially agreed to a few episodes and made sure his contract let him get killed off, but the consensus is that audiences didn't like him, so the producers replaced him.

The captain continues the bitter commentary for a moment before calming himself down, saying he knows that Jenko wouldn't have wanted them to get angry about his death, and himself would have "rapped" to them about balance in the cosmos "and some nonsense about karma."True.The remark gets a chuckle out of Hoffs, but when the captain starts quavery-voicing about moving on, she breaks down."But there's no one here that will ever forget him," the captain adds."No one."Hoffs places a red rose on Jenko's casket, and we go to credits, which introduce Steven Williams as Captain Adam Fuller.

Hoffs, in patrol gear, comes into the Jump Street station.Apparently PD command dismantled the team after Jenko's death, because much of the furniture is covered in sheets and, to Hoffs's dismay, the coffee pot contains a pudding-y sludge.Hanson, also in uniform, comes in, and they share a warm hug (a little too warm on Hanson's side, if you ask me); Hoffs says she's doing better with everything, and they compare notes on their temporary assignments over the last month.Hoffs has been freezing her ass off in hooker-wear for Vice, while Hanson got stuck behind a desk at headquarters.Ioki comes in to complain that he's had to write about a jillion parking tickets, and a crash outside heralds the arrival of Penhall, who lumbers in to bitch at Ioki for putting trash cans in his parking spot.Shut up, Penhall.The kahuna from the funeral mercifully enters at that point and calls the meeting to order.

Everyone sits down, and Captain Kahuna explains that, because the Jump Street program was Jenko's idea, everyone agreed to end it after his death and mainstream the team into the department, because it wouldn't be as effective under new leadership.Hanson snappishly seconds that (possibly because Frederic Forrest's involvement is what convinced Johnny Depp to sign on with the show in the first place).But the mayor has reviewed the program, and he likes the idea now."Must be an election year," Hoffs eye-rolls.Captain Kahuna admits that that motivation might explain the mayor's enthusiasm, but regardless, they're all talented rookies, and the decision from upstairs is to reinstate the program.Hanson is having exactly none of this, bitching that Jump Street worked because of Jenko and that, without him, it'll be "nothing but Charlie's Angels."Kahuna is like, what's your problem — it beats a desk at HQ.Hanson continues to insist that it won't work with someone else in charge: "I mean, who's gonna run it, you?"This whole exchange does feel like a sop to Depp's unhappiness with the casting change, but it's not like giving stroppy lip to superiors is out of character for Hanson, who is rapidly becoming the Dawson of the series for me.Kahuna briefs them on Captain Fuller — worked undercover for 11 years, former NYPD, and so on.Ioki makes a Serpico crack and sighs that, with all due respect, nobody can replace Jenko.

Fuller comes in from the hallway and booms that he has no intention of taking Jenko's place.I guess his late-era-DeBarge attire is supposed to convince the Jump Streeters that he's cool; in any case, they all stare at him as he looms over them.Kahuna excuses himself.Fuller removes his sunglasses, returns the stares, and says he understands that Jenko ruled, but "good cops move on to the next case," so if they want to sulk, they can leave.Nobody moves or speaks.Fuller starts to say that, though he didn't know Jenko, he's sure Jenko was a good guy.Hanson interrupts, "He was a great guy."Fuller's like, great guy or not, he sucked at administration and interior design, and you guys can do what you want with the space out here, "but that's my office now."Hanson fumes.The door's always open to them, Fuller adds, but "knock first.""Any other changes, sir?" Hoffs snits.Fuller pleasantly reminds her that he's not in uniform and she doesn't have to call him "sir," but Hanson tramples that olive branch by blaring, "Are there any other changes?"Instead of announcing his intention to "change" Hanson's nose to a flatter and more broken shape if he doesn't show his superiors some goddamn respect, Fuller says yes, he does see room for improvement in some areas.He levels a "shut up, Hanson" stare at Hanson, and he is far from the only one.Cut the rebop, Hanson.

Cut to a very crowded Jump Street station, crammed with desks and personnel.Hanson and Penhall weave through the crowd and complain about all the changes Fuller is making, then complain some more when Ioki reminds Penhall to file some form or another.Fuller bellows for Hanson and Hoffs.As they reluctantly head for Fuller's office, Penhall reminds Hanson that Fuller is his boss and can make all their lives hell if Hanson doesn't rein in the attitude.Word, Penhall."I'm getting behavioral advice from you?" Hanson asks.Valid point, but: still.Then Penhall gets into an argument with some rando who allegedly stole a yo-yo from Penhall's desk.

Fuller gives Hanson and Hoffs their brief: the school board at Grant High promoted a Joe-Clark-type principal, hoping he'd make a dent in the school's tough reputation.Instead, Principal Madigan made the mistake of slapping the "president" of a Blood gang in front of the whole school and kicking him off school grounds.(I know I wondered this in the pilot recap, but why does a dude like that still go to school?Furthermore: the "president"?Do the writers think gangs function like extracurricular clubs?)The kid's name is Reggie Brooks, and in order to save face, he's now trying to kill Madigan, as are his fellow gang members.Fuller adds that Reggie has a lengthy juvie record, but turned 18 last week and is now on the hook for adult punishment should he commit a felony.Again: not understanding why a gang leader who's attained his majority is bothering with a high-school diploma, much less with killing a principal for showing him up.Madigan has refused police protection, because he's just as proud as Brooks and doesn't want to seem intimidated; he doesn't know Jump Street is sending undercover officers in, and if he finds out, he'll blow their cover.

Hoffs isn't sure how Fuller expects them to get close to Madigan and ID various gang members.Fuller shrugs that they're undercover cops; they can figure it out.He adds that he's sending them in armed.Hanson isn't crazy about that idea and says Jenko never did that, but Fuller's like, a Blood is trying to kill a principal, so get over it.

Hoffs sighs and leaves.Hanson stays behind to mention that he usually works with Penhall on this type of assignment.Fuller asks if he's dating Hoffs, which prompts Hanson to kvetch that Fuller's made it clear he's the boss and he's sorry he said anything.Fuller explains, more patiently than Hanson's "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD" bitchface warrants, that Brooks likes the ladies, so Hoffs is more useful to them in that regard than "Penhall in a wig."Fuller pointedly adds that he's not a bad guy."Neither am I," Hanson moroses.Well, "bad" is a little strong."Bratty" would do it.Fuller says he knows that.

School.The Bloods disembark from their low-rider.Almost all of them have kind of a lot of blue on, under the circumstances; the red bandannas they have tied around various extremities wouldn't seem to cancel that out, but maybe there isn't a Crip presence at the school?…What do I know, most of what I "know" about gangs is shit I heard on NPR.The Bloods take about five hours to walk up the front steps and push a few nerds out of the way to make sure we know that they're dicks.

Hoffs joins the third-year French class, making sure to give the teacher attitude so the other kids know what her deal is.The teacher prims that perhaps Hoffs's French isn't up to third-year standards; Hoffs responds, in French, that her French is fine, but clearly the teacher just wants to show off in front of the class.The teacher's like, I'll let that go, but don't try that shit with Madigan.

Cut to Madigan himself, complimenting Hanson on his refreshing attitude.This is how you can tell Hanson is undercover.Heh.Also, he's wearing owlish glasses, a nerdigan, and an actual pocket protector jammed with pens.Hanson's undercover persona dorks out about "a computer facility with mainframe access" (drink) while Madigan praises his transcript, which is printed on dot-matrix paper with holes punched in the side (drink).Hanson pretends to worry about rumors of a "disciplinary problem" at the school, but Madigan assures him it's under control.

Outside, Reggie "Blair Underwood" Brooks gets out of a cab, dressed in the fugly oversized trench coat Dylan McKay wore to his father's funeral and carrying a briefcase.

Hanson asks for a hall pass.Headed to his first class, he runs into Brooks, who asks if Madigan is in.Hanson says he's in the office, and adds that he's "a swell guy."Brooks is like, riiiight, and heads into the office, and of course Hanson doesn't recognize him from his mug shot because he's…wearing eyeglasses here?Nice police work, twerp.Hanson does look back at him, but keeps walking.

Brooks barges past the receptionist and into Madigan's office.He points a gun at Madigan and says that he pushed the wrong guy around this time.

Hanson makes his way to class.

Brooks lurches out of the office, holding Madigan as a hostage, and shoots into the air to scare everyone.

Hanson hears the gunshot, dumps his bookbag in a trash can, and takes off running towards the office.

Brooks herds everyone into the middle of the room.

Hanson runs.

Brooks will shoot Madigan if anyone in the room tries anything.Why doesn't he just kill him?You take a hostage to get something else, to have leverage.Brooks just wants everyone to know he's not a punk.Why not just shoot him and leave?Or stop coming to school?

Hanson peeks around some lockers and assesses the situation.

Repeated shots of the time approaching 9 AM finally pay off as Brooks's henchmen burst into various classrooms and menace them with guns.Again, not seeing the plan here; if you want to control a class of 30 people with a six-shot pistol, you'd better hope nobody decides to rush you and take their chances with your target accuracy.But it seems to work; the students cower, except for Hanson, freaking out in the hallway, and Hoffs, staring somewhat provocatively at French III's designated captor.He stares back like she's the $1.99 buffet.

In the hall, Hanson lurks as a Blood chains up the doors of the school.Another Blood catches sight of him, but Hanson fells him with a girly roundhouse and flees up the stairs.The Blood gives chase and tackles Hanson, and Hanson manages to get free and put a gun on the guy — but then another Blood rushes up behind Hanson and puts a gun on him.

In the office, Brooks is ordering a secretary to call Channel 11 and boasting that the Frazier bloods "are the homeboys that do more than mad, we get even."Then Brooks dons a beret so we'll know he means business.Madigan stupidly tells him he'll do a lot of time for this, but Brooks is like, you're the one in jail right now, and whaps him in the face.We get a shot of a cowed Madigan still managing to glare at Brooks through the "blood" from his face wound.(It looks like someone stuck a melted Colorform to his eyebrow.)

Hanson is frog-marched in.After some more chest-thumping, Brooks pretends he's going to kill Hanson, then says it's just a joke.Hanson takes advantage of a brief distraction and takes cover behind the front desk, and IDs himself as a police officer while aiming his gun at Brooks.Brooks puts his own gun to Madigan's head; the henchmen cock theirs and aim at Hanson.It seems like killing Madigan isn't really an option for Brooks if he wants to control the situation, and Hanson should probably know that, but Hanson puts down his gun anyway.

Hoffs's classroom.Madigan comes over the PA to ask everyone to remain calm as Hoffs tries to reach into her purse for her sidearm.She manages to sneak the gun into the purse of the girl in front of her; her shushing the girl catches the attention of the designated henchman, who approaches Hoffs to sleaze, "You're very pretty, aren't you?"Hoffs smiles flirtatiously.

Outside the school, SWAT has arrived.A TV reporter is doing a stand-up amongst the police cars as Fuller, Ioki, and Penhall arrive to get the brief from Buckley, the hostage negotiator (played by Robert Picardo, who's probably best known as The Doctor on Star Trek: Voyager).Buckley says Brooks is kind of all over the place, screaming at them on the phone "every five minutes"; Buckley isn't sure what Brooks wants — "his own talk show, maybe?" — but he does know Brooks has made Hanson.The Jump Streeters look anxious, but Fuller tries to sound hopeful when he says that at least they haven't found Hoffs yet.

Well, they have, in a way; cut to a Blood dragging Hoffs into the principal's office as a prize for Brooks."Not bad," Brooks says, and wants to know why he hasn't met her before.She snots that he must have been too busy getting knocked out by the principal, which she heard about "way over at Jefferson."The Blood is suspicious that she's the second new student to transfer in that day, and wants to check her out — and with good reason; when she first came in, Hoffs said she transferred from Riverside, not Jefferson — but Brooks says he'll do it himself, and makes with the grabby while frisking her.The Blood looks through her bag.Hoffs tries not to barf while delivering the line, "Let me know if you find something you like."A sweaty Hanson broods.

Her story checks out, and she and Brooks trade single entendres for a few minutes; then Hoffs, in the guise of flirting, tries to ascertain what Brooks wants out of the hostage situation.Brooks doesn't reveal anything, but falls for her "player" act, saying he's a player too, and stroking her face.He puts his arms around her and his hands over hers on the gun, asking if she's ever shot anyone.Nobody who didn't deserve it, she says bravely.Brooks aims Hoffs's hands at Hanson's head, asking if she's ever killed a cop."This isn't funny, you're scaring me," she says, meaning it, so he says he's only kidding and shoots the ceiling instead.Everyone flinches."I thought you were a player," Brooks says, disappointed.Hoffs says she's not a killer, and Hanson butts in that Brooks isn't either — he didn't think "this thing" through and has no plan.That hits a nerve; Brooks says unconvincingly that maybe he plans on killing Madigan for humiliating him."Oh, I guess I was wrong — that's a great plan, Reggie!" Hanson snaps.And Hanson's plan to snot off to a guy who has a gun on him is so awesome?Hanson snarks something else about the "gangland Hall of Fame" before saying more seriously that, if Brooks kills Madigan, his life is over.Brooks grits that his life ended long ago.Wonder what the backstory is on that remark?Yeah, me too.Don't hold your breath waiting for it.

Outside, Ioki and Penhall pester Fuller to let them do something.He reminds them that he cares about Hoffs and Hanson too, but until they know what Brooks wants, or can find an entrance or exit the gang hasn't sealed off, there's nothing to do.

Inside, the gang herds the captives into the auditorium.Brooks has changed clothes; he stands on the stage, surveying the crowd, and the Bloods fire shots over their heads to get their attention.Brooks introduces himself as the "acting principal" (heh) and recaps the situation for the audience while another Blood, Hoffs, and a gagged Madigan sit uncomfortably onstage.Pan over to Hanson, also gagged (Brooks for president!), as Brooks introduces him as a cop, then tries to foment anti-undercover-cop sentiment."With students like you, we need cops on campus!" yells one teacher.A Blood subdues him, but not before the teacher Shatners, "What in God's name do you want?"

Outside, Buckley hands Fuller the phone, saying Brooks has a demand.Uh, aren't you the negotiator?Brooks, who has changed clothes yet again, asks for 20 pizzas and 20 cases of beer.Brooks for president! Fuller asks what they get in return, so Brooks asks Hoffs, perched on his lap, what he should offer.She suggests the sophomore class, as they're "wimps anyway."Fuller agrees, but won't okay the beer; Brooks blows right past this to order half the pies with sausage, half with pepperoni, and no anchovies: "I see one anchovy, I kill the librarian."Cute line, but not exactly in character.

After another warning shot, the Blood from French class asks the sophomores to raise their hands, then yells, "Sophomores, go home."Heh.Nobody moves, so he has to scream at them to get moving.The Bloods don't seem to have a system for checking IDs, so I don't understand why students from other grades don't pretend they're sophomores and leave too, but whatever.

SWAT perimeter.TV reporters note the release of the tenth grade as the pizza-delivery van shows up and toots its novelty horn.The camera follows it right up to the door, and makes a big show of keeping the delivery guy's face out of frame, but we can tell from the thunder thighs on the guy that it's Penhall.A Blood is sent out to take delivery, which Penhall refuses to complete until he gets paid for the pizzas (for the record, he's only holding eight boxes).The Blood is confused at his gun's failure to illuminate the situation for Penhall, and when his compadre comes over to try to hustle Penhall along, Penhall's like, go ahead and shoot me, because if I come back without the money, my boss is going to do it for you.The Bloods give up on reasoning with him and herd him inside.

Elsewhere, Ioki is parkouring up the side of the building to the roof with a headset on.Fuller walks him through the process of climbing into the heating unit and shimmying through the vents to the outer office.He's got five minutes; then Fuller will get Brooks on the phone.

Brooks orders Penhall patted down, despite his henchman's assertion that he's too "thick" to be a cop.Penhall just wants to get paid and get back to his truck.Hoffs fondles Brooks's bicep as Brooks tells Penhall to "shut up and have some pizza."

Aoki crawls through the heating ducts.

Hoffs has unearthed Brooks's file, including his SAT scores.Turns out Brooks is a good student; he even got an A in English."Hey Reggie, if you're so smart, how come you're so dumb?" Hanson bleats. Your mother, Hanson, Jesus Christ — SHUT UP!Brooks levels his gun at Hanson's throat and says he's sick of Hanson telling him he doesn't know what he's doing."What are you doing?" Penhall asks through a mouthful of pizza.Hoffs chimes in that this has been fun, but she's not planning to live there.Brooks is about to spazz out on her when the phone rings; it's Fuller, who's like, we're over it out here so tell us what you want already."What you got?" Brooks stalls.Fuller says they'll talk to the judge and work something out, but first Brooks has to tell them what he's after.Brooks isn't psyched that he has to come up with something on the spot, especially not in front of his henchmen and hostages, who will then know he's flying by the seat of his pants, but he bluffs, asking if anyone wants anything.Penhall wants his pizza money; Hoffs wants to pee.Har.Brooks ignores this to order a black T-top Trans Am with "a compact-disc sound system and a phone" (drink), and pinstripes.Hoffs says pinstripes will look cheap, so he says to forget the pinstripes.He also wants one thousand dollars cash, but changes his mind to ten thousand.Hoffs nods approvingly.He's in over his head, we get it, cut the rebop.

Ioki continues through the ducts.

Brooks winds up his pitiable demand list with "and an interstate map, that's what I want."Fuller says fine: they get him that stuff, he releases everyone inside.Brooks will think about it, and asks how he can trust Fuller.As Fuller is reassuring him, naturally Ioki falls through the ceiling onto the pizza table at that exact moment.Brooks hauls him up out of the pile of debris and mozzarella to say, "You better not be another cop."

Outside, Fuller pulls the Trans Am up to the school entrance.

Inside, Brooks ties Ioki up while Penhall rambles on about quitting school, and offers Madigan some pizza: "Better hurry, only 147 slices left."Ioki chuckles, and Brooks backhands him: "You think that's funny, cop?"Apparently he did; thus the chuckle.God, Brooks, take your Guido car and leave already.Brooks rants about not trusting Fuller and waves the gun around; he's clearly losing it as he says that the whole thing's getting too complicated.Madigan asks what Brooks expected Fuller to do and adds that Brooks is smarter than this, which occasions another rant from Brooks, this one on the subject of adults telling him he's smart but does dumb things, or something.Wait, so…this is why Brooks became "president" ofa gang?The inconsistent criticisms of adults…unsettled him?I don't get it. He blames Madigan for his problems some more and tells everyone to shut up so he can think.Ioki takes a page from Hanson's book of recklessly rude interaction with kidnappers by telling Brooks to give it up, there's no way out.Brooks evenly tells him that he'd better hope there is.Brooks contemplates while Hoffs watches uneasily.

Outside, Fuller tensely honks the horn.

Penhall doofs, "Hey man, cheer up — your ride's here!"Brooks and Hoffs inspect the car from the window; Brooks grumps that it had better have a phone.Hanson points out that the cops have come through on their end of the deal, and asks what Brooks is going to do for them, and whether he's going to leave his boys to take the fall.I probably don't need to mention that he does it in the same suicidally entitled tone he's used all episode.Brooks smugly responds that the henchmen will only do six months because they're under 18; as the Jump Streeters listen with worried looks and Madigan dozes (heh), Brooks gives a speech about brotherhood and how he's going to disappear into the night or some horseshit, and the Latino henchman doesn't like the sound of that, asking if Brooks is just going to bail on them.Brooks BSes that he'll come back for them, and orders Hoffs to come with him.She's like, hell to the no, but gives in when he yells at her.Latino Henchman continues to protest, but Brooks says this is best, as even Hanson would agree.A ringing endorsement, to be sure.Brooks grabs Hoffs and heads for the door.

Outside, Buckley has bad news for Fuller, introducing him to the girl into whose purse Hoffs snuck her badge and gun.Just then, Brooks bursts out the front door with a gun on Hoffs.Everyone watches, breath held, as Brooks stuffs Hoffs into the front seat, then clambers in and peels out.Fuller tells Buckley to warn dispatch that Hoffs is a hostage.

Everyone is still just sitting around the office.The Bloods don't know what to do; one of them notes aloud that he can't believe Brooks ditched them."You think he cares about you?" Hanson blares obnoxiously."He's a Blood, he cares," one of them protests, but doesn't sound like he believes it himself.Latino Henchman says they can use the cops they have as leverage to get out of there, so another Blood begins to untie Hanson and Ioki in preparation for moving out.Hanson and Penhall exchange a plan-ful glance/nod, which Penhall passes on to Ioki, and then: elbows, guns misfiring, karate and fisticuffs.Madigan: baffled.Bloods: arrested.

Brooks speeds towards…Indiana.I don't know.Hoffs keeps playing along as Brooks drives with one hand and twirls the gun with the other.She adjusts her already very short skirt up an inch or two to give Brooks a good look at the gams, which prompts him finally to put the gun on the dash so he can reach over and try to get to third base.Then the coolant and fuel lights go on, and while he's distracted by that, Hoffs elbows him in the face, grabs the gun, and informs him that he's not going to Indiana and if he moves, she'll blow a hole in his head.

The rest of the Jump Street team is in the car, trying to meet up with Brooks's car.Hanson hopes Hoffs is okay, which of course means a cut to…

…Hoffs, reading Brooks his rights and totally in control of the sitch.Hanson barges out of the car and overzealously cuffs Brooks while Hoffs is like, nice of you guys to show up, and thanks Fuller for thinking to deliver the car nearly empty of gas.He asks if she read Brooks his rights."You're not the only good cop in this department, sir," Hoffs says, and Fuller reminds her again that he's not in uniform."Cops like you are always in uniform," Hanson snots.That's rich coming from the biggest tight-ass in the division, and also, don't talk to your boss like that, buttmunch!He didn't kill Jenko, and you're a rookie — lose the fucking attitude!Hoffs assures Hanson that she's okay, and they head for the car without even saying goodbye to Fuller.Fuller, for his part, fails to call Hanson out on either his crappy handling of the hostage situation or his even crappier tone of voice.Instead, he shouts after them that they can let the uniforms process Brooks, and invites the team out for pizza.They stares at him like he's wearing a hat made of shit until he says it's a joke.And…scene?Seriously?Nobody's going to kick Hanson in the nuts?

In Hargitay's defense, I think the guy taking her hostage had just gotten shot by Vincent Spano; I'd make that face too. On the other hand, she could have just read yet another script in which a member of the Stabler family is kidnapped, arrested, or pinned in a wrecked car while delivering a baby. Because: seriously.

An odd and an end first: 1) my review of Jeff Kinney's Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days is up on Monkey See — great read, as usz (Kinney, not my piece, although that's ah-ight); and 2) for those of you sending me contest receipts from PayPal, please note whether they should qualify you for a mini-prize (PayPal does not note the project name for me, so I can't tell from the forward alone).

And now: The Great And Powerful Asirda.

I've struggled somewhat with the introduction here, because she modestly objected to the "great and powerful" part, but let's start with the numbers: as you know, Asirda matched 3K worth of projects when we hit 60K — and she's prepared to do it again when you hit other key benchmarks. Yes, "benchmarks" plural. She believes in the power of the many of you, and she's more generous than words can describe in (green-)backing up that faith — but, while generous, she also enjoys cheap beer and cheap humor. Which is what makes her my people.

Asirda may appear in the comments; like all the best great and powerful people, she's easy to talk to. If she doesn't appear, she's watching — and, like our little smiley friend, she's well pleased. (She may also look really cute in a bear outfit; I have no data on that. Hee.)

…By the way? $67,243. Less than 8K to our next match; at 75K, $ and the Mysterians ante up with 5K more. We can do this.

Okay, I think that's everythi– OH WAIT WAIT did you guys watch SVU this week? How BONKERS is that? Killer Noel? Slurstine Lahti? Man. I loved it AND I couldn't watch. Amazing. Discuss.

America's Next Top Model.

Do you think Mr. Jay doesn't get to come to panel because he won't play along with shit like "smize-ing," but Miss Jay and Nigel will?Do you think that, years ago, the Jays flipped a coin to see who would have to pretend that Tyra's dippy season themes and Soviet-quality costumes don't suck an egg?"Heads, I win; tails, you have to sit with the other judges and pretend that when Tyra makes the same face twice in a row, there's an instructive difference between the two"?

I miss She's Got The Look.Kim Alexis is more natural on-camera, doesn't suffer from pathological narcissism, and runs a sensible panel whose advice is logical and occasionally funny on purpose.But nobody watched that show except me and a few stoners who switched to TV Land expecting a Barney Miller rerun.Sigh.

Brothers & Sisters. I said at some point that I would give it two or three episodes to win me back over this season; then I heard that they'd cast Amy "Toni Pavone" Aquino, which annoyed me, because I love her and I'd have to stick with it.

But why did they have to stash her in a plotline I can already tell I will despise?Kitty is still treating Robert like he left a skidmark on their sheets, which I think the audience is supposed to support her in, and in theory, that's fine, but in practice, she's not sympathetic — the writing and the acting choices both make me want to slap her.Now we have to "worry" that she has cancer?The character has become utterly unlikeable in the last year, and we've seen this done much better — via Patricia Wettig's Nancy on thirtysomething, among others.

And then in the first episode we have a "wacky" showdown between Holly and Nora; we have yet another makeup/breakup/"I love you but the world thinks I'm stupid" "crisis" in Rebecca and Justin's relationship; we have a dated montage about Sarah's internet-dating exploits; we have almost enough of Holly's boobs to qualify the show for premium cable; and Kevin's hair is simply unacceptable.

Doesn't look good for this one, folks.

the forgotten. Or this one, a good idea on paper that's drowning on camera in clichés and "Why are CSIs interrogating a suspect?" implausibilities.The victim voice-over adds nothing but unwarranted self-seriousness; Christian Slater is the only actor with enough charisma to carry the material (Anthony Carrigan, playing Tyler, is actually okay, if he can get out from under the exposition-device load he had to carry in the pilot); Slater's character is an ex-cop, and I understand why that cheat was included initially, but it causes more problems than it solves and should have gotten the heave-ho after the show got picked up.

A few tweaks, and it's a decent show, but it's functionally a procedural, and it's focusing on the parts of procedurals we've seen a thousand times before, which it doesn't do well, instead of on the parts that set it apart from the others, which it could do well if it got some momentum going.And it's not impossible; it does happen sometimes that a show snaps to, figures out what it wants to do, and learns how to do it while elegantly covering its flaws.Journeyman is one example.

But the writers' room seems more interested in repurposing the soppier parts of Cold Case than in examining how a group of civilians would solve a case of this type — or in making said group of civilians less annoying.Don't just barge up to these people and tell them their child is dead, dipshit.Pairing it with meaningful squinting doesn't make it any more your beeswax.

The Good Wife. What's with the sexism?It's one thing when the show depicts the sexism and reductive attitudes of the world at large towards a woman in Alicia's position — not that the show is doing the most elegant job with that, either, so far, but I can forgive it in a pilot.

But when the show's female protagonist is dated in her gender attitudes toward herself?Alicia's so-called gotcha line about "obviously you've never made a woman mad before" botched an excellent opportunity to make a few points about pre-judging the woman behind the famous/powerful man; instead, it went for a tired "hell hath no fury" tone.It's antiquated, and worse, it's uninteresting. Alicia correctly marking the office assistant as fed up with the parking-lot attendant, and exploiting that with some "oh, men" bonding?Interesting.Sharp.Alicia taking the same martyr angle with the state's attorney, except for real?Bah.It felt like pandering to a certain segment of the demographic, and the segment is smarter than that Erma Bombeck, Attorney At Law nonsense.

Law & Order: SVU. Why does Mariska Hargitay lift her leg up like she's in a cartoon every time she has to chase a perp?You know, how Wile E. Coyote will wind himself up with his leading leg before taking off after the Roadrunner?I keep expecting a puff of smoke to replace her onscreen every time she does that.

I shouldn't harp on the Hargs, because she's a palette of beige nuance compared with Christopher "Silent Movie" Meloni — and I can't really harp on him, either.What is it, the tenth season?I don't know what acting choices he's got left at this point; at least he's giving it 110 percent every week, and I feel like he has to know that he's the subject of a Taking! It! Personally! drinking game and he's having a little fun with it.

Not so Wentworth Miller.Either Wentworth Miller is actually really good at acting and just happens to have a kidney stone the size and shape of a throwing star every time the camera is pointed in his direction…or Wentworth Miller is not good at acting, and doesn't really like doing it, either.I think he tries very hard and thinks about his lines a lot; he's not half-assing it.But I spent his entire first scene waiting to find out that he was playing an actor in a movie within the show, because his Blue-Steeling had gotten even worse since Prison Break.I was kind of psyched about it, too, like, that's awesome that he can have a little fun with himself.…Ohhhh, that's…literally the character.Wow.

What to do with the guy?He's got a lot of fans, he's a hard worker…there has to be some kind of Keanu/action niche for him, right?

The Mentalist. I won't even bother asking who else watches the show, because…no one else watches the show.Well, maybe that's not true.I really only watch because Simon Baker is cute, so maybe it's not just me who does that, and I didn't know anyone watched NCIS, either — I thought it just kept JAG-ing along because even the net execs forgot it existed, but it's practically the most popular show on CBS and it even got a spin-off.(Which looks really dumb.Is anyone watching that?I like LL Cool J a lot, but: no.)

In any case, what the hell is going on with Owain Yeoman?This isn't a complaint, mind you — but during the season premiere, he's standing off to the side of a group shot, and I thought, "Cute new agent, but why'd they get rid of Rigsby?Not that I particularly enjoyed the 'sexual' 'tension' between him and Van Pelt last season, but I figured the writers would follow it up with WAIT WAIT WAIT THAT FOX IS RIGSBY!"Lost a ton of weight, got a hipper haircut (…I guess; it's trying too hard, but it's cute), looks tohhhhh-tally different.

…I know, no one cares. As you were.

Brothers & Sisters. How exactly does Kitty think it's reasonable to blame the estrangement in her marriage on Robert running for governor?It's not as though he woke up one morning after spending his adult life as a florist and decided to spend their life's savings on a quixotic quest to run the state; they met while she was working for him in his capacity as a politician.Yeah, okay, he lied to her about it — I would have too!She's being a pill about it, with no basis!

Why does either of them think it's a good idea to have the wife's brother, who works for the husband, mediate their separation?Why does anyone in the writer's room believe we'd buy Kitty running after the helicopter based on what amounted to a ten-word conversation with Sarah?What's with the slo-mo?We saw this already with Buffy and Riley; we didn't like it then either!And then moments later she's reminiscing happily on the bus about summer camp?Buh fuh?

Why do they have to get to "Justin proposes to Rebecca in front of the whole family" via "Rebecca has a bratty 'fiiiiine, I guess you don't want to marry me at all if you're not comfortable doing it right this second in Mexico when we've only been back together for 18 minutes' meltdown"?

Even if anyone did care about fucking Tommy, which: no, why does the entire family have to troop down there and "rescue" him?He's an adult, who left his family — both families — of his own volition; he's cleared of the charges, but he didn't come back, probably because he's a pussy.Who gives a shit?And are we supposed to find it touching that he's bawling like a little bitch to his mommy?"Oh I am so sad at the turns my life has taken as I am sitting here on this log oh boo hoo hooooooo!"Can that guy not go away and stay gone?

Would anyone like to peruse my proposed severance package for that greasy little creep Ryan?It involves a size nine and the seat of his pants; it does not involve Saul, and could someone explain to me why Ron Rifkin's agent can't throw a foot up someone's ass and stop this madness?This is the best you can do with that actor — "I feel ret-con-sponsible, out of overgrown left field, for the death of a character we never met, whose son is a character who not only needs, but is, a wedgie"?

I'm giving them two episodes next year to turn this shit around, but I don't know why I'm bothering, because I don't see how it can be done at this point.Bah.

Conviction. I didn't watch this when it originally aired, but figured that, as a Law & Order product, it couldn't be as bad as people said.

It isn't. It's worse. Now I find myself mesmerized by the badness, the absoluteness of the lack of flavor in either the writing or the acting.Even the few, the proud, the ordinarily competent members of the cast suck in Conviction — yes, Balfour too, in part due to the attraction his character is required to feel to Julianne Nicholson, who has all the sexual charge of shredded iceberg lettuce.

I'd only recently begun to question Nicholson's competence.She practically holds the patent on failing to register on Criminal Intent, but I never blamed her for that before; I blamed her awful haircut, and the show's insistence on pairing larger-than-life autodidacts and moody problem children with female partners who inevitably paled in comparison.(Erbe is the exception, but the effort is painful to watch at times.)But Nicholson's character isn't only a non-entity because she's onscreen with Noth or Goldblum, and we don't only not care about the failed attempt to give Wheeler depth via an extraneous pregnancy B-plot because nobody cared about her fraudster boyfriend back when the writers ripped him from the headlines of Anne Hathaway's life, so nobody's going to care any more now that said fraudster had implausible sex at least once with a dormouse like Wheeler.

No, we mostly don't care because Nicholson is not interesting onscreen.She's an adequate line-reader; she's not bad, she's not ugly, she just has no charisma.

Milena Govich is slightly less boring, by virtue of being many times more irritating.This is partly her fault and partly not; writers frequently fall into a particular trap when writing for a female character who enjoys postmodern, no-strings-attached sex, namely that they confuse writing a woman who acts like a guy in that way with writing a woman who acts like a guy who is a tactless dick.Inevitably, the actual guy is supposed to become enamored — she's hot and emotionally self-sufficient! dude-nip! — but the writing gives the actress all these blunt/borderline rude lines, so pulling the character back to "my apathy towards the social contract will play as tomboyishly fascinating because I'm so hot" is the best the actress can hope to do with it.

So that's the problem generally.The problem here specifically is twofold: Govich is not actually hot enough to get away with treating Anson Mount like a pesty piece of meat (she's fairly hot, but…not hot enough) (also: hee, "Mount"); and that bitchily challenging line reading is the only one Govich has anyway.I haaaaaaated her on L&O: Mothership; I hated her more than I hated Max Greevey, which was a lot.

But picking on Govich and Nicholson misses the point; every character on the show is a collection of only-on-TV behaviors and the sorts of clichés that manage not to seem realistic despite being clichéd, handed to seat-fillers like Jordan Bridges who have no hope of adding any dimension.

Fringe. Did anyone else have a really emotional response to the finale?I think it's probably just me.

The finale's revelation about their relationship aside, the Bishops have a weirdly sentimental effect on me that is (I should imagine) unique among the viewers.Joshua Jackson has always reminded me of my brother; he and Mr. S don't look anything alike, but Jackson is reminiscent of Mr. S, in a way I can't explain and that nobody else sees.(I couldn't moderate the more X-rated aspects of the Pacey threads on the TWoP forums for this reason.They'd start down that road of talking about licking his treasure trail or whatever damn thing and I'd have to IM Wing all, "I extra can't go there, please tag in.")

People I've mentioned it to will politely pretend that they sort of see it, but then say that if Mr. S resembles anyone famous, it's Seth Rogen, which is true, in its way, but again, it's not an issue of resemblance.Jackson and Stupidhead have similar noses, but it's not that, it's something else.

I'd forgotten about it until Fringe, where the man playing Jackson's father, bizarrely, is an inverse of that: John Noble does bear a strong resemblance to our father, albeit a hairstyle ago, but the character is his complete opposite.Whatever else is going on, I've liked watching Bizarro Science Dad going on about snacks and LSD, and then when the show went into the alternate-reality arc, it struck me as even funnier, because: seriously. They look the same, they dress the same, but if My This Reality Dad began caring that much about sugar cereals, we'd take him to the hospital.

Come the revelation at the cemetery, I said out loud, "Ohhhh, of course," and then the episode moved along while I felt annoyed that I won't get to see how that plays out until the fall, and then Nimoy came out of the shadows and the camera pulled back, and I knew immediately from the shape of the windows the building Olivia was in, and as the zoom kept going out and the Towers resolved on the screen, I just burst into tears.And it's not the first time.Fringe does these tableaux sometimes that kill me, like, "Here's a snapshot about finding family out in the world, and we put a little cello with it.Kleenex?"Yes, please.[hahhhnk]

I also cried at that X-Files episode, "The Unnatural," with Jesse L. Martin as the Negro League player.Sobbed, in fact, so maybe I'm just a weirdo.Call it.

Prison Break. Nobody else saw it through to the end, so I'll keep this short: all that, and he dies of a fackin' nosebleed?Jesus H., show.

Southland. The show doesn't seem to know, or have enough confidence in, what it wants to be yet; I like it anyway, because the cast is so strong, and it's nice to see a bunch of actors I enjoy getting lead-role time (Michael Cudlitz, Arija Bareikis), but the plot beats felt much, much too big for a show this new.It wants to hook people quickly, fine, but a big shoot-out and Officer Drunk Ponyboy going soapbox-derby bonkers on his partner and Tom Everett Scott getting Tom Everett Shott is too much for the finale of a mini-season.

And the writing doesn't need to go there in the first place, because the cast can work the nuances — and in a few cases, put in nuances the script might not have given them.Give the "now I will stare disapprovingly at my partner as he once again picks low-hanging grief fruit" moment to anyone but Regina King, it's going to play very obviously, but the writers trusted her to sell it, and she did.

I'll stick with it next year, in the hopes the show trusts the smaller scenes more and backs off the soapy (the "Moretta's sister is his daughter" twist, though played well, was not earned), the kooky (uch, Emily Bergl — fire your stylist, lady), and the tired (the cop's daughter's wild ways expose his hypocrisy?Come on: we've seen it before, and when Christopher Meloni is putting it over with more subtlety than you, you gotta call the editing bay and tell them to cut it).

The more-than-occasional ham-fistery makes it hard for me to understand, then, how I completely missed that the Cudlitz character is gay.I mean, I'd have gotten it by the finale, probably, but Jeff had to explain it to me a couple weeks ago."Uh, when he was in a gay bar?"Gay b– oh, okay.Did not get that at all.I see now that that guy was cruising him, but total strangers ask the credits cast leading questions designed to point up their emotional turmoil all the time; if they'd saddle the guy with an addiction to painkillers, I just assumed they'd go there with it too.But no, there I am in a bar, shouting, "Wait, Brenda Walsh's prom date is gay?"