The Vine: April 11, 2012
D. and I were friends for six years, close enough that we had weekly get-together. I saw him through a devastating divorce; he saw me through the break up of a seven-year-long relationship, etc., and all through it we kept up our weekly check-ins.
D. then started dating R., but insisted all along it was a very casual relationship, even though they lived together for a few months on either side of a summer D. worked abroad. During this same stretch of time D. also told me he had been in love with me for years and hoped I felt the same; he didn’t just want to take things to the next level funsexytimes-wise, but since we already knew each other so well, to a pretty serious relationship, headed toward marriage, because he felt that strongly about me and about us. I said no matter what I might have felt, I certainly wasn’t about to start something with him while he was LIVING with someone. He said if I would tell him I felt the same way about him, he would break it off with R.; I told him if he felt that strongly about being with me, he wouldn’t be with R. in the first place, and please don’t use me as an “excuse” to break something off. This tennis match went back and forth for months.
Finally, D. broke it off with R., moved into a new living situation, and declared himself free to be with me if I was ready. I was. So we began dating, and for two months had some magical, romantic, amazing adventures, including of course the funsexytimes, and made many specific plans for our future. We briefly discussed having children and realized for various reasons (age, work and school plans, lifestyle plans, etc.) we probably would choose not to. I met his family, he met mine, and at meeting mine, declared he was planning to marry me. All great, right?
Um. The first red flag (well…) was that when D. did break it off with R., it took three days. Three days of also sobbing on my shoulder telling me how haaaard it was to break up with R., because he loved her, because she is just so awesome, so kind, so easy to be with, and he really “owed her his life” and…I better appreciate what he was giving up to be with me. Um. He also kept seeing R. while we were having our magical, romantic, amazing adventures. Not so big a problem, right, because isn’t it great when exes can stay friends? Um, sure, except on one occasion he didn’t tell me he had spent a day with her until four days after he had seen her. On another occasion we had plans together, but he disappeared in the middle of the day, and it wasn’t until that evening he admitted to me he had spent the day with R. Also, every time he did see her, he would turn off his phone completely, which, whatever, except for the times I had no idea where he was and wasn’t getting any answers to my texts or calls.
Finally I had had it with the sobbing and the “she’s so great” and “I love her” and the disappearing acts, which were leading to epic fights where I was told I was crazy, hormonal, difficult, and crazy, and…broke it off with him. I mean, it’s pretty clear he was still quite attached to that relationship, so, go ahead and BE in that relationship and leave me out of it. At that point D. asked me if WE could, you know, still be buddies…? And I said, politely, maybe in about a year, I could think about it, but right now I was too angry and hurt to deal with him at all. And he hung up on me and has dropped out of my life completely.
Two days after I broke it off with him…I found out I was pregnant. Not by choice (I was on the pill!). Because of various factors, including having been taking birth control pills while I was (unbeknownst to me) pregnant, even if I wanted to keep it, my doctor has said it’s a very high-risk pregnancy and discouraged me from continuing it (adding that if I wanted to had a child, I certainly could, but I would have to do some things differently from the very beginning). So I will not be continuing the pregnancy.
My question is: Do I tell D.? Do I owe him that knowledge? I admit for about five seconds I hoped he would be with me in the hospital as a support and comfort, but I realized this is just a fantasy; he is still very much involved with R. and even if he was there to support and comfort me, at the end of it, he’d go back to R. and I’d go back to…my life. So what’s the point? I, in fact, will not be comforted by his presence but only hurt by the reminder of what could have been. But is there some…moral or ethical, um, thing by which I owe the man who got me pregnant knowledge that he did so…? Help.
What Are All These Red Flags Doing Here?
Dear Red,
Do not tell D.
Let’s leave aside his behavior within your relationship for a moment. Said behavior constitutes the bulk of your letter, I suspect because you want an excuse not to tell him, and therefore not to deal with him at a difficult time even though he is technically/genetically involved, and I agree with your instincts there, but let’s get to that in a paragraph or two. For now, let’s pretend you don’t know the guy and it’s just a hypothetical. What good does it do for him to have this information? None, really. Learning that he got you pregnant does not protect him from anything, or put him at less risk anywhere; nor will it change anything vis-à-vis the pregnancy itself, as 1) the two of you agreed that you probably didn’t want children together, even under ideal medical conditions, and 2) ideal medical conditions do not exist here and will not allow the pregnancy to go on. All it tells him is that his boys can swim, and if that becomes relevant to him, he can find it out some other way.
If you do tell D., it will bring up feelings for him, no doubt — weird, painful feelings; feelings of obligation; feelings, perhaps, of resentment or grief. I maintain that, in most “Do I tell X about Y?” equations, kindness is more important than honesty unless the information will make a substantive difference in the tellee’s health, safety, or decision-making — and I don’t see those conditions met in D.’s case. Nothing good comes out of knowing for D.
And nothing good comes out of D. knowing for you. Here’s where we come back to his behavior within your relationship, because here’s what he demonstrated there: unreliable; manipulative; unable to create or maintain proper boundaries; emotionally dishonest; unwilling to take responsibility. And he pulled two of the dickiest dick moves in the book, the “Your Issues With My Self-Absorption Clearly Stem From Your Irrational Uterus” and the “If You Won’t Signal That I Did Nothing Wrong Here By Downshifting To ‘Friends’ Immediately, You’re A Bitch.”
He’s such a nozzle, he could have his own comic book, but that isn’t the point, really; it’s about whether you can expect him to participate in the situation maturely by supporting you and accepting your support in return. Unfortunately, you have a ream of evidence that that is not possible for him.
Choosing not to continue a pregnancy is fraught. The situation is lousy with opportunities to second-guess yourself and feel like a bad or selfish person, and this is one of those…secondary circumstances, I guess you’d call it, surrounding a termination that can make the decision seem like a referendum on everything you are. Choosing not to continue a pregnancy is also physically intense, and provided you want a friend or relative with you on the day to help with logistics and get you home afterwards, you should ask someone who will drive you and set up the heating pad and the Downton DVDs without making it Them Time.
D. is not that person. And that on its own doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell him; it just means telling him won’t serve you, logistically or emotionally — and given that it won’t serve him in those ways either, it’s best left untold.
With all of that said, if you really feel it’s something you have to do and that he has to know, I don’t think it’s utterly awful to tell him — but prepare yourself beforehand for how it’s going to go, and prepare to re-draw your boundaries with him once the conversation is done, because, again, the conversation isn’t going to change anything. He’s still a mindfuck, and you’re still better off taking an extended break from contact with him.
Good luck with all of this. Let us know how you’re doing if you’d like.
Tags: boys (and girls) health and beauty
Hey Red: Sars brilliantly covered everything that needed to be covered, of course, but a side query: do you have some vacation time coming up? You sound like a remarkably strong and clearly-thinking person, but that’s an awful lot to handle. If it were me, even if I didn’t have a whole lot of vacation time or money, I’d schedule some kind of official break for myself for after both the termination and the recovery. Sometimes getting the hell out of town, even if it’s only two towns over, and staying at a motel so you don’t have to cook or clean for yourself and having time to just focus on, like, the train museum or the botanic garden, or whatever you dig, is a good thing to do. It gives you something to look forward to. Plus, it has the added benefit that if D. suddenly decides he wants to talk to you — which is a dick move, and therefore one he sounds capable of — well, you’re just not there. He’ll just have to deal.
Well…while I agree with absolutely everything Sars says, I have a bit of extra viewpoint to add in the sense that my husband had an ex who got pregnant, terminated that pregnancy, and then told him later. I don’t know every detail of the circumstances, but suffice it to say this was extremely disturbing and hurtful to him–he didn’t feel at all that it was about him or his choice to make or anything like that, but finding out after the fact was really painful and confusing. I think mainly he would have just really appreciated the chance to go through the process with her at the time rather than as an what’s-done-is-done-now-deal-with-it kind of situation.
All of this is to say that if you think you will ever even be friends with him again (and be honest…are you pretty likely to get sucked back in eventually? No judgment–relationships and emotions are complicated, and only you can answer a question like that.) it’s definitely not going to stay secret forever, so maybe rip that bandaid off now and give him a chance to process it naturally. If you honestly think you’re done with him for life, though, and he really NEVER will know, then fine–I agree, there’s no good that will really come of it.
And, by the way, hugs to you. What a difficult situation. I hope you’re able to put ALL of this behind you very soon.
Excellent point. Not telling him would really have to mean “never telling him.” I sort of feel like, after all the ping-ponging, this isn’t a guy you want to be friends with down the line, even when you don’t care that much anymore — but maybe it’s just a bad patch for him, there’s a lot of history there, blah, and if you DO become friends again, then it’s weird that he doesn’t know…and it will have been better to have told him up front.
…For him, anyway. And while it’s worthwhile to consider his feelings in the overall situation, 1) this isn’t a courtesy you were extended re: the R. mishegas, and 2) I do think you have to prioritize what’s going to be less agita for you right now. It doesn’t seem like his involvement right now will be anything but a sharp pain in your ass.
“Choosing not to continue a pregnancy is also physically intense, and provided you want a friend or relative with you on the day to help with logistics and get you home afterwards, you should ask someone who will drive you and set up the heating pad and the Downton DVDs without making it Them Time.
D. is not that person.”
This is really a key point. If you were to tell him, the only thing it would do is provide a drama llama with more fuel for his angst. He will make it all about Him, as he has seemed to do at every turn since he confessed his love for you while living with R.
I do agree that if you don’t tell him now, you should never tell him. Even if you were to become friends again, you will always have some distance between you because you’ve seen a different side of him. I don’t think it would be a terrible burden to keep this from him now or in the future, but if it feels that way to you, then that’s something to consider.
I think you have quite enough to handle without adding any potential drama of his to the mix. If there was any thought that you two could go forward with a baby and you needed his input, then yes tell him about the pregnancy. But if you as the decider are not going to give him veto power, then defer to the shoot, shovel, and shut up doctrine.
I am very sorry for what you are dealing with, and I think you should talk to a professional as you recover from the full negativity of the relationship experience and the termination.
I also think that if you have an underlying condition that makes pregnancy high-risk for you, you should look into an IUD such as Paraguard or Mirena. I love my Mirena, and highly recommend it if your doctor says it’s one you can use with your health profile. While it would be great to talk to a therapist about improving your red-flag vision in the future, it would also be great to find a birth control method that works better for you when you are someone who shouldn’t become pregnant. The pill is not for everyone, and you need better security there.
Here’s to brighter days.
I completely agree with Sars, and I have to say- you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. So many times I read Vine letters and wonder how people don’t hear how they sound, but you seem to have a good grasp of the situation and the right things to do. Good luck.
I have no advice to offer. I have only my sympathy & hugs for Red, and also for poor R — I’m betting her row is going to get hoed too, you know?
For what it’s worth, I totally agree with Sars and Carrie Ann…just thought it was an angle worth mentioning, since we don’t know all the ins and outs of your relationship, only what you’ve shared. Personally I also think he sounds like someone you’re best off staying clear of both now and in the future…but what’s best and what ends up happening are too often not the same thing, of course.
I have no advice re: the original question, since I agree with what has already been said, but I wanted to just give you some internet support for whatever that’s worth.
I’ve had 2 abortions, 13 years apart, and dealt with them very differently. When I was 19, I didn’t tell anyone, and ended up drunk & crying in a gutter and confessing everything to some random dude I had just met. He luckily turned out to be Not A Bad Idea by taking me home, tucking me in bed & leaving a sweet note, but still. Even though I knew the abortion was the right decision and I made it pretty easily, not having any support was awful. 13 years later when I got knocked up again, I told a small group of friends, and had them all come over for a few hours each to hang out with me, watch Buffy, etc. And I took 2 days off work and let everyone (myself included) be super kind to me. That abortion was still hard, but not nearly as upsetting as the first, due solely to having love & support around me.
D. is pretty clearly Not The Guy For The Job here, but since you sound really independent & strong, I just wanted to make sure you still considered having someone with you. Even when you know you’re doing the right thing, all the hormonal emotions can be a surprise, so it’s good to have loved ones around you.
Throwing my beret on the “Sars is 1000% correct” pile, and extending on something Attica brought up: R.
Somebody this addicted to drama and neediness is definitely pulling the same head trip on R (“I’m living with her but it’s not serious?” Really? REALLY?) and telling him something like this would basically be giving him a dream come true as far as tormenting R with it: sobbing on HER shoulder, telling HER “how much it hurts him”, demanding soothing and petting from HER about something that is frankly none of her concern, and that she definitely doesn’t need to deal with.
I mean, everything you’ve said about this guy indicates he doesn’t hesitate in the slightest to 1) make every single thing all about Him and His Pain, and 2) sharing very private information in the most hurtful manner possible with people who don’t need or want to hear it.
This is something personal, sad, and profound, for you. Don’t let this douchecanoe make it into chapter 174 of “The Epic Of Me.”
I had a pretty early miscarriage when I was 20 and hadn’t known I was pregnant yet (irregular) right after a fairly spectacular breakup, and never told my ex-boyfriend. It helps that I really didn’t see him much after that and there is no trace of him in my life over a decade later. But I would never, ever tell him even if he moved in next door to me. The advice to keep a termination from the LW’s ex-boyfriend makes sense to me in a similar way, even though the situations aren’t completely parallel.
To the LW: Speaking as somebody who has been there for two friends who terminated pregnancies, please, please make sure you have a support system in place not just for the procedure and directly after, but also forever. People deal with things differently, and you are not a burdon if you need a supportive shoulder weeks, months, etc. after. You’re also dealing with the emotional fallout of the relationship, so give yourself permission to feel your feelings when you feel them. I wish nothing but the best for you.
This happened to me. I dated a guy in school, broke up with him when we graduated and moved to different states, and then discovered that I was pregnant. I did not want to have a kid, or be pregnant, so I had an abortion. I knew we were on the same page about not wanting kids, and we had been using protection, so I did not tell the guy.
A year later, I could not get him out of my mind. I was fine with the abortion itself, it was the one of the first adult decisions that I ever made, and without a shadow of a doubt the right one for me. But the guy. I didn’t feel guilty about not telling him, I felt like our relationship was not over because this huge thing had happened that he did not know about. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but I could not stop thinking about him. It was horrible.
I had thought that I might feel guilty (nope), or be affected by babies on the street (nope). I was not expecting fucked up obsession with this guy. I finally called him after not speaking to him since I had left school. I told him what had happened, and his response was “Thank God you are not telling me I have a four month old!” We talked for a little while, then said goodbye. I can honestly say that I felt better right away, and was able to let go almost immediately.
It could have gone badly, and he might have had an emotional reaction later, but I had to tell him. I didn’t want to, and I tried hard not to, but I really needed to. Maybe I should have told him right away, or not at all. I thought I could not tell, and I was wrong.
I agree Red, that you might not want to bring on the drama with D and R, because that sounds like a whole mess of crazy, but not telling can be really, really hard, and you can’t always know how you are going to feel later on. Do what you think is right, and what you can handle, because this is really your situation, not theirs.
Good luck with everything.
One thing to consider, though, is the cost of the procedure, and whether or not you want him to help you pay for it. And that is something you are, in my mind at least, entitled to at least ask him. However, that is something I would wait to do until after you have the procedure, in order to avoid the DRAMAH. (I’m guessing you are able to foot the cost of it now.)
But this is just me thinking that it takes two people to get a person pregnant, and even if he is an asshat drama king, you shouldn’t be on the hook for the whole cost. And yeah, it might be an empty gesture, because he could just refuse to pay and you can’t do jack about it, but it’s about principle, damn it.
@Jen S.: “Douchecanoe” may be my new favorite word ever.
Wow. I don’t have anything to add except support – sounds like you are making the right decision and I think you need to waste exactly zero minutes worrying about D.
I do wonder if D had a closetful of Renaissance fair gear and purloined tomato sauce in that place he shared with R.
@Jennifer — or if, when told the future child would be a girl, he would have stormed out of the doctor’s office and left Red there. #Vinemonsters
I just want to promote a little more flexibility on the “now or never” view of telling him. Yes, it definitely means something different if you tell him later than if you tell him now, and yes, it’s probably going to be harder for him and it won’t be easy for you. But you know, that’s okay. You don’t know what place you’ll be at later, or where he’ll be. Not that I think you definitely have to tell him at some point; I just don’t want you to decide you must tell him right now, while everything else is on your plate, just because you couldn’t keep this secret forever.
Definitely have someone with you, if only for the fact that you’re going to be in pain after the procedure and will not feel like driving home. (Also, get a lot of maxi pads. Not to be all TMI but you may need them for the first day or so.) I was fortunate that my family supported me when I had this done and my mom, sister, brother, and one of my friends were all there in the waiting room when I came out. They took me home where I laid on the couch and ate as many Hershey’s Kisses, Lays KC Masterpiece chips, and drank as much A&W Root Beer as I wanted for a week (it’s funny, the things you remember). Not saying you’ll need a week – but give yourself as much time as you physically/emotionally feel like you need. D is not going to be the support system you need (whether you tell him or not) so please find someone who supports you and loves you – it makes the pain (physical and emotional) a little easier to handle. <3
Another one jumping on board the “please make sure you have support in place surrounding the abortion” train. When I had a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks (thus leading to a D&C) for a wanted pregnancy, I actually took my best friend rather than my husband. That way I didn’t have to worry about being strong for anyone on the day. You’ll also be on drugs no matter if you are awake or asleep for the procedure, so a wing(wo)man is a necessity. Truthfully, I was so relieved when it was over that I don’t think I dealt with the fallout for months.
Hope things go as well as they can in a shitty situation. :-(
If you’ve decided to go ahead, there is really no reason to tell him unless you want him to pay for half — but as others noted above, it’s probably not worth the aggro,
One other thing to consider… Even though you don’t tell him, it is possible he will find out through the grapevine… Your best friend tells her mother who tells her sister, etc, until somehow it reaches him. So you might give some thought as to how you would deal with this situation, should it ever arise. Sucks to be blindsided.
Good luck and take care.
I have to chime in again.
Have someone with you if you can, but if you are in a community that will not be supportive, you can do it on your own. I was part of a community where I might have literally been prevented physically from having an abortion if I had told anybody that I planned to have one.
I had a surgical abortion at 9 weeks. I did it alone. The procedure was kind of unpleasant, but not the nightmare that i had expected. I actually went back to work the afternoon after the morning procedure.
You can live through whatever you decide to do. Having caring people on your side is great, but do what is right for you, even if nobody else agrees. This is your body, and your life.
@Amy That’s what I call “Actively Recuperating!” Or what my sister calls, “Living like a house cat!” I’m sorry you had to through the procedure but I’m happy that you have such a great support system.
@Red I hope the best for you.
There’s some great advice here, and I don’t really have much to add to it, except to let you know, Red, that I am thinking good thoughts for you. I hope that you do have some supportive friends who won’t bring any drama with them/be discreet and awesome while you need some quiet recovery time. This sounds really, really hard, and I think you’re approaching it as wisely as you can, given the circumstances. Take care.
I wouldn’t tell him unless you planned on keeping the baby. Especially because he might surprise you and suddenly be begging you to keep it or something. You don’t need that drama. I know he said he didn’t want kids, but he sounds crazy and like he changes on a dime and I wouldn’t trust him.
I wouldn’t bring him back into my life later either. That’s officially too much crazy and mistreatment of you for me to think that was just a phase.
I was going to write in that if you ever thought you were going to have any type of relationship with him in the future, even friendship, that you should consider telling him for that reason alone. Not because you owe him anything, but just because I think it would be too awkward to have that secret from someone and try to have an honest relationship with them. That said however, I don’t think from your description of the guy that he’s capable of having an honest relationship with anyone.
After reading all the comments, another though came to me as well, which is that he seems like such a drama monster, if you wanted to have any ownership of this fact of your life, you can’t tell him. He seems like the type of person who would tell it to all and sundry about how you wronged him and how he loved you and you went and aborted his child. I can absolutely see this person twisting this fact about you to try and get sympathy for himself and/or use it to get people on his side against you. Not that having an abortion is anything you should be ashamed of, but it should be your information to tell, and I don’t see him respectimg that at all. I’ve had one, and I have no regrets, no lingering doubts, nothing but complete acceptance and satisfaction with the choice I made, but that still doesn’t mean I want it to be gossip fodder, and it seems like with this guy you’d be taking a great risk that it would if you told.
Hi all, this is “Red” here, which I have enjoyed being called in your responses–makes me feel all sassy-like.
First of all–thank ALL OF YOU for your incredible support and kindness. It made me feel seventeen kinds of schmoopy. You are all amazing and all of your friends are lucky to have you AS friends. And of course this is a testament to Sars, too, and her amazing ability to draw great people to her site.
I did end up telling D. And boy, was it a HORRIBLE MISTAKE (which you could all see coming!) First of all, I told him under the worst possible motive–in anger. I could explain what HE did/said that made ME angry enough to be awful enough to lay this kind of bomb on him, but, really, the responsibility is mine and I have to take it. Second, he took it as badly as you can guess he did and was seventeen kinds of douchecanoe throughout everything and I never stopped pounding my forehead (er, metaphorically) and asking myself “WHHHHHYYYYYY did I tell him!?” (And…he told R. EVERYTHING.)
The happy ending is that I reached out to a lot of friends I would normally not be so open with and got a LOT of support and caring and that helped enormously. I did get some help from a therapist. I also finally broke it off with D. unequivocally and have not talked to him for almost three months. I have no interest in EVER seeing or speaking to him again and thanks to the support I DID get, I have no problem resisting him if he ever tries to contact me or we happen to run into each other, since he lives (with R!) in a very awesome part of town I would hate to “avoid”–even though I did for a while–just because of him.
So, shorter version: that douchecanoe has sailed and I’m doing okay. Thanks to you all.
Ahhh, oh Red, that sucks that D re-dramatized everything. And telling R everything, well, of course he did, because why would he waste an opportunity to stir up even more drama? Yuuuuuck. No judgement at all, because I totally understand that impulse. I’m really sorry it ended badly.
But I am definitely happy you’re doing ok, and you have friends who support you, which you might need for a while longer even after the pregancy is long over. You sound like a pretty fantastic person, and you are so obviously better off without D in your life. Best of luck from here on out.
Red, so glad to hear you’re doing well and have supportive friends by your side. I’m sure the blow-up you reference was horrid, but at least it had the silver lining of making it straightforward to sever ties with Douchecanoe! And you don’t have to worry about whether he’ll ever find out somehow by accident.
I was hoping you’d update! Glad to hear you’re doing well, and that Señor Canoe is right where he belongs: in your rear-view mirror.