The Vine: April 22, 2004
Sars, help me out. It is, of course, a boy problem.
I’m a freshman in college, and I’ve been writing Buffy fanfic since I
was twelve. He’s a sophomore, and vice-president of the anime club.
Halloween night, I sorta-kinda-almost kissed him, in a horrendously
awkward way. If I had the first clue as to what I was doing, we could
have a nerdy, nerdy love.
Problem is, I don’t know what I’m doing. Like, at all. I haven’t had
a boyfriend since tenth grade, and haven’t kissed a boy other than
that one boyfriend. When I had lunch with him today, I was
practically vibrating with awkwardness. I don’t think he’s much
better off.
To make matters worse, I’ve acquired a requtation for being boy-crazy
among the rest of my hall (an all-girls hall, which does not begin to
adequately describe the estrogen-fest-ness of it all), because I CAN
talk to boys when I’m not romantically interested in them. So my
friends don’t quite get why I’m so spectacularly wigged about my
geekboy — after all, I had no trouble hitting on that guitarist,
right? Or that boy from improv? Well, no, not really — that kid was
FOURTEEN, and we were talking about GUITARS, you pervs.
Also, when I’m nervous, I tend to babble. And construct long,
incomprehensible, tangent-filled sentences. Sorry.
Anyway. Geek girl crushing on a geek boy, not really sure what move
to make next. I could always talk about comic books with him, but…that won’t get me kissed. Ack. Help!
Geek Love Isn’t Just a Book About Carnies
Dear Carnie,
Talking about comic books sounds like a fine idea to me. If you have a strong enough connection with the guy, something is going to happen. Take a bunch of deep breaths, try to relax, put in the hang-out time with him, and see what develops. And don’t give yourself so much grief for spazzing; it’s, like, the universal sign for charming infatuation.
Start a conversation. Spend time with him. If you babble, you babble. If you don’t know what you’re doing, you’ll figure it out, like we all did. Enjoy the ride.
Dear Sars,
I am doing a two-person play with a friend, and his breath could strip
the paint off an outhouse. Sometimes it’s smoky, but other times it’s
just sort of sour and foody (it brings to mind an image of rotting
celery for some reason). Do I tell him? How? In the play we are
lovers, so I have to spend a decent portion of the hour and ten minute
run time in close proximity to his face. Should I just act a little
harder and ignore it? Or do I have a right to reasonably fresh air?
Does he have a right to know?
Most humbly yours,
Tic Tac
Dear Tic,
Have you tried the time-honored “take an Altoid breath strip for yourself, comment pointedly while doing so that you don’t want to have stank breath in such close proximity, and offer a breath strip to the actual offender” tactic?
I’d try that first, and if that doesn’t work, I’d tell him, because technically it’s a work-environment issue, and seventy minutes is a long time to spend breathing through your mouth. Tell him the smell of smoke/onion/scary cheese is really bothersome to you at such close range, and would he mind Scoping before you start so you don’t get distracted?
Dear Sars,
A grammar/usage question:
I’m currently proofreading some technical documents for my husband. We’re
both engineers. He’s the better engineer, but I’m the better writer (which
isn’t saying a whole lot, since I am, after all, an engineer). One item
stumped me, though.
The document is talking about physical interfaces between two items, and I
don’t know which preposition to use, “to” or “with.”
For example, if I’m talking about a widget and a doohickey:
“While holding the widget, check the interface to/with [?] to doohickey.”
I would say, “Check the interface between the widget and the doohickey,” but
in the real document, that ends up being quite muddled.
Can I use “to” or “with”? Neither sounds quite right to me.
Signed,
Bought the Garner At Your Recommendation, But Right Now It’s Packed To Move
Dear Good Girl!,
“Inter” means, primarily, “between” or “among,” so my first instinct is the same as yours — “between” is the best choice. But in the first example you provide, it doesn’t quite work, so I’d go with “with.”
I don’t have a citation for that, just my sense that you should follow the usage for the verb “to interface,” which takes the preposition “with.” And yes, I acknowledge that the verb “to interface” is somewhat obnoxious, but the point stands.
Sars —
My life is one big teenage soap opera. I’m sure my situation was very entertaining for my friends to hear about in the beginning, but now they’re sick of it. And I’m slowly losing what little sanity I had to begin with. So, I’ll start at the beginning and try to make this as short as I can, leaving out extraneous details. Which really might not be possible.
I met this guy, Patrick, when I moved to a new town my sophomore year of high school. He’s a senior. We were involved in an after-school group which put us in close proximity every day of the week. Flirting ensued. I knew Patrick had a girlfriend, so I didn’t assume it meant anything. I’m a pretty big flirt in general, but I’d never had a boyfriend. No experience at all. So we were flirting and having fun, and he’d occasionally mention problems with the girlfriend, Molly. I started to like him, but I didn’t think it would lead anywhere. One night, we’re watching movies and we start to cuddle. His hands wander. Up the shirt. And I don’t stop him cause honestly, I was enjoying myself. We go ouside, kiss, asks if I can keep a secret. We later decide it was a mistake, he apologizes, and nothings going to happen. He stays with Molly. I feel incredibly guilty and slutty.
Flash forward a few weeks. Patrick and I are getting to be pretty good friends. We have an incredible amount of things in common and have a blast when we’re together. We could talk for hours and never run out of topics, finish each other’s sentences. And we’re still pretty flirty, (one of those teasing-sarcastic-insulting-sexy flirting relationships, the best kind), but nothing else has gone on since the kiss. I notice him starting to get rather flirty with this other girl in the group, Anna. A friend of Molly’s. But I don’t really think anything of it. Long story short: He breaks up with Molly, I’m thrilled, we kiss the day after, I swoon, I find out he hooked up with Anna (in teenage terms, that means hands down pants) the night before he dumped Molly and in Anna’s mind the two of them were exclusive when we kissed post-breakup, I cry.
Anna and I confront him, he decides he only feels friendship for me and wants to be with Anna, I refuse his friendship and he and Anna start seeing eachother exclusively, but not dating. From conversation and things I heard I get the impression that he lost his virginity to her. I’m still hating him. But after a rather heartfelt apology, I decide I can deal with just being friends with him, because we do have this incredible “connection.” Blah blah blah.
The thing ends with Anna, because she really only wanted a fuck buddy and something sexy ends up happening between he and I again. He decides he’s not ready for a girlfriend again.
So Patrick wants to be my “friend.” With benefits. Always a good idea, I’m sure. And, considering I’m practically in love with the guy and everything, I agree. This goes on for about two months. I’m not feeling any regrets because my feelings are so strong. And he seems to be feeling more for me, which is making me really happy. But I’m still incredibly cautious. Then we get in this huge fight about him possibly going on a date with another girl, he first says he just wants to be friends again, and he finally decided he wants to only see me exclusively. No dating, no title. Don’t know what the hell the difference is? You’re not the only one, but I put up with it. Because I am dumb. And I really like the guy.
So that goes on for about a month. Then I find out that cheating on Molly with Anna wasn’t a one time thing, but a few times. Continuous. Initiated by her, a supposed friend of Molly’s. (I may be a sideshow slut but at least I never met Molly.) And it happened before he and I first kissed, not after as he had previously told me. I don’t hold it against him as it was in the past and he told me about it voluntarily, I didn’t have to find out from an outside source.
Then he starts renewing contact with the jilted ex Molly. He tells me as soon as it happens, which I was grateful for, because I’ve constantly told him that I need him to be honest with me. And I would have been fine with him talking with her, because I know they have history and need closure, except for the fact that he tells me he still has feelings for her and needs to take a break from me so he can figure himself out. He still wants to hang out as much as we do but just “as friends.” I pretty much flip out and tell him he can’t keep putting me on hold like this, and I don’t think he even has any feelings for me other then friendship. He insists that he does but he values my friendship more then anything sexual and he’s not planning to try and get Molly back(*cough* whoisuglyandaprudeimnotbeingpetty *cough*), he just needs time to figure himself out. I’m still hurt and angry and venting, and he decides that “what he has with [me] is worth more then trying to get something else back.”
Lies. They get back together three days later.
Much fighting ensues, all of it over the fucking internet. I’m hysterical and depressed and am constantly just trying to get him to say he treated me like shit, he’s being a dick and says basically, “A relationship takes two to tango, this is not all my fault.” (How is this even a little bit my fault? Did I like you too much? God forbid.) “You knew I always had feelings for Molly and was never really over her” (I DID NOT, you are the one that dumped her!) “and that my feelings for you were only a little bit more then friendship.” (Then what was all that about how you feel around me like you’ve never felt with someone before and I turn you on more then anyone else, including Molly? Hmmm?) “I want to be friends, though. I miss you.” (Fucker.) We finally talk in person, he apologizes for everything and for being a prick, says exactly what I need to hear to agree to be friends, basically, and we’re planning to try to get as close as we were — minus the romance part.
Sometimes I hate him with a passion. He basically used me, toyed with my emotions, then left me a few days later. Sometimes I can’t even look at him without wanting to cry. We did so much physically, and he was the first guy I’ve ever had any feelings for. Sometimes I look at him and I love him so much I can’t stand it. Sometimes I think I can be okay with not being romantic with him, he’s not exactly boyfriend material, and I just want to be best friends again. Most of the time it’s a jumble of all these feelings.
I know I shouldn’t be involved in so much relationship drama and aggro at the age of sixteen. And this guy has made me cry more in the past six months than anyone else has, ever. I don’t know if I should even try for this friendship thing. And there’s a large chance when this re-relationship ends with Molly (I have no doubts it will. It’s doomed. Which makes me…happy…) he’ll try and get back with me. And I don’t know how strong I can be if he does try. I know he chose her over me and I know he obviously didn’t have feelings for me and I know he pretty much used me…but I think I love him. But I don’t know if I even want frienship from a guy who is so emotionally immature and is such an asshat.
However, aside from his many (manymanymany) mistakes he truly is the sweetest, funniest, most amazing guy I’ve ever met. I mean, he threw me a surprise Sweet Sixteen party for fuck’s sake. Logically I know what I should do, but I don’t know if I can do it. Or if I should give up what could be an amazing friendship, or maybe a romantic relationship sometime in the future, because of past mistakes.
Wow, that was long. Sorry.
Sars, I trust your advice implicitly. Please help.
If I Was Catholic I’d Become A Nun
P.S. Isn’t this just a WONDERFUL first relationship experience? I think I might going to spend my life hating and distrusting men. Fun.
Dear Cath,
I’ll take the P.S. first — I know it’s tempting to apply your experience with Patrick to all men, but you shouldn’t, because it doesn’t. Patrick is young and immature and can’t handle other people’s feelings without dropping them, but he’s just one guy.
Which leads to me to my next point, and you know it’s coming, and you’re going to resist it, but I want you to hear me. He’s just one guy, like I said — a young, immature guy, like I said, to whom you gave your heart and who then left it out on the counter overnight. I don’t think he’s a bad person, necessarily, but the fact is that 1) he hurts you, 2) he knows he hurts you, 3) he can’t shift himself to avoid hurting you before the fact, because he’s self-absorbed — and nothing else is relevant here. “But –” No. I’m sorry. He’s sweet, he’s funny, he threw you a party…and he makes you cry and hate yourself.
I know it’s maddening, believe me, especially when he’s basically a good guy most of the time and you just don’t get why he pulls these dick moves because That’s Not Him, but that’s the thing — it doesn’t matter why he does it or how much he regrets it. He does it. It isn’t a situation you can turn around, and trying is only hurting you, so stop trying.
You need to take a break from him — a complete break, for at least a few months. You won’t get what you want out of a potential “friendship”; if it turns into more than friendship again, he’ll burn you again, because that’s what he does; he’s not going to Get It. I mean, he probably will eventually, but he has to grow up a bit first, and that could take years.
Let me put it another way. What is your goal here? “To stop feeling like hammered crap,” right? There’s only one realistic way to get that to happen, and that’s to get the hell away from the hammer in question. Tell yourself it’s over, and act like it thoroughly. Delete all his contact information from your cell and your computer. Mourn him. Brood. It’s going to suck, but it’s like quitting smoking — a short period of intense discomfort is going to have long-term benefits.
You deserve better treatment than this from a friend, never mind a romantic interest. You won’t get it. Ditch him.
Hi Sars,
I’ve got a dilemma for you. Actually it’s more like my whole life is a dilemma. Basically, it comes down to this: I am incapable of making large decisions. Can’t do it. Small stuff — should I go out tonight, should I do geology or Spanish, should I buy that gorgeous skirt — is no problem, but when it comes to life-altering decisions I’m at a total loss.
Consequently, I’m living my life by default. My decision about where to go to college was basically random. I had the two letters in my hand, picked one up, and said, “Yeah, okay.”
When I got to school, I hated it and planned to transfer. I like it better now, but I still can’t commit. People ask me what I’m doing next year and I can’t tell them. Am I taking a year off? Am I transferring? Am I staying at my current college? I’ve taken to answering with, “I’ll let you know at graduation,” with a sort of self-deprecating laugh.
It sucks. I don’t want to end up at this school just because I can’t make a freakin’ decision. If I decide to stay up here, fine, but I want it to be a DECISION and not just because I woke up one morning and realized that I was a senior.
This has been a huge theme in my life and is getting worse. I’ve tried talking to trusted people about it, but most of them don’t understand. Their responses are always pretty much, “Well, just make a decision then.” Right-o. Thanks. That was helpful.
Am I just worrying over nothing? Should I just suck it up and make a decision, any decision? I feel like a whiny nut-case even asking this, because it seems like it’s stupid and something I should be able to overcome with willpower, but fact is, I can’t. I’ve been to a few counselling sessions before and they were pretty negative experiences, so I don’t want to try that again (and I definitely don’t have the money right now).
What should I do?
Signed,
I’ll let you know tomorrow…no, really, I promise!
Dear Tomorrow,
A few things, here. First, no decision you ever make is written in stone, no matter how big and important that decision is. Second, you can make these decisions, and you can either live with them or choose to reverse them afterwards. I think the primary issue here is a lack of confidence in your instincts, and we all suffer that to some extent, but you need to pep-talk yourself a little bit when it comes time to make a significant choice like where to go to school: “Whatever I decide, I can handle it, and if it doesn’t work out, I can handle that too.”
And third, most big decisions are made up of smaller decisions. Where to go to school is a perfect example. It’s a major decision, yes, but it’s really a series of smaller decisions about things like location, choice of major, how much tuition you can afford to pay, whether the dining halls offer vegan options, that kind of thing. So, try breaking down the big decisions into smaller ones. Make pro-and-con lists. Go through and take care of all the sub-decisions and see where it leaves you.
Dithering is natural, but you can learn to make choices in spite of it.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette grammar
