Comments on: The Vine: August 26, 2009

By: sj

sj — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 20:21:23 +0000

"carries all his weight in his stomach. He has the classic computer programmer build. He's tall with a skinny butt and a 38" waist."

Wow, that is spot. on. I am engaged to one that perpertuates the type…

By: Bink

Bink — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 17:16:37 +0000

@Lady:

Not having my abusive ex anywhere in my life these past 20 years is worth over ten thousand apologies.

By: Juli

Juli — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 03:01:30 +0000

@La BellaDonna–Just getting back to this, but by no means is there a written rule that flat fronts are verboten at my husband's workplace, but it isn't done beyond those in mid-level positions. Most men wear suits every day, and yes, their pants have pleats, and this is in NYC. When he first started at said firm, I asked him why he wasn't wearing a number of his pairs of (flat front) pants. He said they were too casual, and that no one at his level (or above) does it. There are many unwritten rules about attire at said firm, and employees have been taken aside many a time for not falling in line…

By: Cyntada

Cyntada — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 00:06:55 +0000

For myself, "wanting an apology" often looks like "wanting a healing balm for the thing that someone else broke that never can never really be healed, at least not by any means under my direct control".

I've had a few apologies that actually accomplished that; most of the time, though, deciding whether to open a can of worms on basis of their "apology" is a matter of evaluating whether: 1) I'll actually receive the above balm, 2) it will help someone who is genuinely recovering, even if it does nothing for me, or 3) I'm just volunteering to carry their rocks by just hearing the matter. In order of popularity, the answers run 3, 2, 1.

Seriously, if trying to heal/fix something was really the most important thing on his mind, he'd have just done that. He could have passed a written letter through the friend, or just addressed a damn envelope already. Or asked the friend to tell you a message. People that really want something done, get it done. Everythig else is generally bullshit and excuses.

I'd vote for "hot rock" obviously but really only you can decide.

——————————————————————-
"Sometimes, whatever it is other people think about you is their bag of rocks to carry. Don't pick it up just because they wrote your name on it"

If I can't get that on a t-shirt, I'm just going to have to carve it on my wall instead. Brilliant!

By: Sarah D. Bunting

Sarah D. Bunting — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 22:37:04 +0000

I think we all understand that everyone is just trying to help. Let's focus on the letter, as written, and deal with what it actually says; let's also throttle back the tone a gear or two.

By: Boone

Boone — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 22:02:55 +0000

@ Linda: I just want to make it clear that I acknowledged that my personal experience may not be of help to Lady, but thanks for boiling down my genuine attempt to share a very private and difficult story to "I had an abusive ex, and I would never want to talk to him again." Next time, I'll just post that.

Lady seemed to be asking whether she should hear him out in order to ease her anger and resentment. She said: "I still harbor a lot of resentment and anger towards him. There is the potential that I could achieve some sort of release or closure or pick-your-cliché…" I don't believe forgiveness, release, closure, whatever you want to call it, is necessarily an achievement, that's all. And I don't think I've ever seen anyone on TN claim to know the right or the wrong answer to anyone's problems.

By: Melanie

Melanie — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 17:18:03 +0000

This answer probably won't see the light of day with all the other responses here (and frankly I haven't read them all so this may have been mentioned) but the brand I highly recommend for those who want to look snazzy but still be comfortable is Tommy Bahama! Yeah – it's not just loud Hawaiian prints anymore. They have a line of business casual pants and it is made for the dudes who may need a little more room in the waistband. They actually have little elastic tabs in the waistband that can expand as you move or as you grow (less than a full size). They are kinda pricey – about $110 at Macy's in NYC two years ago – but they are comfy, soft and washable!!! The shorts are great too for casual wear. My boyfriend won't wear anything else. And he just happens to be a software developer too. :)

By: Kathryn

Kathryn — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 17:12:05 +0000

Re: Amalthea's comment: Yikes. The whole "sorry I broke your heart" thing is the main reason why I will NEVER respond to any messages from…well not quite an ex, but someone who returned an infatuation with complete dismissal and some really crappy comments and behavior. And yet I think that means I'm still giving him some power, because the idea that he might think I've been pining for him all these years makes my skin crawl. It almost makes me WANT him to contact me, so I can either coolly brush him off or turn on the atomic rage.

Fortunately he's only tried to friend my sister and a mutual friend on FB, but not me. He also apparently has some mental illness issues, because he started his messages with "I've been diagnosed with Aspergers." Which, yeah…no. The fact that he might realize his behavoir was atrocious is one thing, but it doesn't make us any more willing to have him back in our lives. When you get right down to it, mental illness is an explanation, but not an excuse.

By: stanley

stanley — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 16:26:39 +0000

@Pup, LTG: I work at a Top 20 law firm and know loads of people who work at other white-shoe firms, and I've never heard of any requirement that anyone wear pleated pants or shop at the same store. On the contrary, any man in pleated pants is roundly mocked (at least in my circle) for being poofy and out-of-date. Of course, some older partners (the ones who still wear suits every day) may disagree, but their views don't shape dress requirements. Like every other workplace, the firm is too busy policing the "no flip flops" and "no hot pants" rules to worry about whether someone's trousers are pleated or not.

I will jump on the "no novelty ties bandwagon." The toilet one linked to is fine to me because it looks like a regular tie, with a slyness that makes it clever. The other usual novelty ones are distracting and unprofessional. There's a guy at work who wears beautiful, expensive custom-made suits with silly ties, and the impression he gives is of dressing cheaply and poorly, which is solely a result of the ties.

By: Linda

Linda — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 16:20:51 +0000

I just want to make clear that I wasn't advocating in favor of hearing the guy out because of the effects of forgiveness "in theory." I was simply pointing out that just as it CAN be empowering to reserve the right not to talk to someone, it also CAN be empowering to listen to what he has to say and learn that you can manage it and nothing happens. Either one is okay. There's not a right answer and a wrong answer.

"I had an abusive ex, and I would never want to talk to him again" doesn't really answer her question. If she said, "I don't want to talk to him, but my friends think it would be healthy for me," then there'd be no question that she shouldn't do it and we wouldn't be here. She's absolutely right that she owes him nothing. But she DOES want to hear him out, if only out of curiosity; she's just afraid that it will create further problems. She wants to know what he has to say, and if it's a sincere apology, she wants to hear it. She just doesn't want to get sucked back into a great big thing, and all I'm saying is that you can decide to hear him out but not to get sucked into a great big thing. You're allowed to make that choice.

I just can't bring myself to flatly advise her to say she's not interested in hearing from him when she clearly IS interested in hearing from him, if her only reason is fear that she can't manage the contact. I think it might be good for her to teach herself that she CAN manage the contact.