Comments on: The Vine: December 16, 2009 http://tomatonation.com/vine/the-vine-december-16-2009/ better red than dead Thu, 24 May 2012 20:53:04 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v= By: Sandman http://tomatonation.com/vine/the-vine-december-16-2009/comment-page-2/#comment-44281 Sandman Wed, 30 Dec 2009 23:19:32 +0000 http://tomatonation.com/?p=4243#comment-44281 @Elsajeni: "Get thee to a nunn'ry, and cut thou the rebop." @Elsajeni: "Get thee to a nunn'ry, and cut thou the rebop."

]]> By: sj http://tomatonation.com/vine/the-vine-december-16-2009/comment-page-2/#comment-44059 sj Wed, 23 Dec 2009 14:44:37 +0000 http://tomatonation.com/?p=4243#comment-44059 Lots of people have given advice already but just to throw two cents in/rant a bit. Had a similar discussion last night with the BF. We have dinner with his mother tonight, before trekking to PA tomorrow for my parents, which is a repeat of what thanksgiving was like. The whole thing is freaking exhausting, and frankly, we just bought a house and we'd like to actually be able to spend a holiday in it now instead of rushing around to meet everyone else. But what can we do? As I pointed out to him when he declared that we can't do the double holiday anymore- "are you really going to tell your mother, who lives less than 40 minutes away, that you can't have dinner with her on the 23rd because you’re going to my parents on the 24th and it would just be “too much”? You're really going to tell your mother you don't feel like seeing her?" and the answer is, of course, no. She's alone and would be so hurt to not see us at all for the holiday, even if she understood and sympathized with the situation, and we wouldn't do that to her. So once again, we're just gonna suck it up, get in the car and drive and then rest once January comes. Lots of people have given advice already but just to throw two cents in/rant a bit. Had a similar discussion last night with the BF. We have dinner with his mother tonight, before trekking to PA tomorrow for my parents, which is a repeat of what thanksgiving was like. The whole thing is freaking exhausting, and frankly, we just bought a house and we'd like to actually be able to spend a holiday in it now instead of rushing around to meet everyone else. But what can we do? As I pointed out to him when he declared that we can't do the double holiday anymore- "are you really going to tell your mother, who lives less than 40 minutes away, that you can't have dinner with her on the 23rd because you’re going to my parents on the 24th and it would just be “too much”? You're really going to tell your mother you don't feel like seeing her?" and the answer is, of course, no. She's alone and would be so hurt to not see us at all for the holiday, even if she understood and sympathized with the situation, and we wouldn't do that to her. So once again, we're just gonna suck it up, get in the car and drive and then rest once January comes.

]]> By: AM http://tomatonation.com/vine/the-vine-december-16-2009/comment-page-2/#comment-44022 AM Tue, 22 Dec 2009 20:55:56 +0000 http://tomatonation.com/?p=4243#comment-44022 @No (I should have picked a better name): I think it can get particularly messy when people frame date requests to mitigate possible rejection -- that is, by trying to pitch the outing as platonic sounding as possible, so if if doesn't go well, they can always say, "Well, I never said it was a date in the first place..." I mean, I have trouble reading the signals, too, and I suspect that has a bunch to do with it. (Then again, I've even had trouble when I make a point to say that I do not want an outing to be a date, as I've had folks who have told me that they thought I really didn't mean that I wanted the outing to be platonic. So, hrm.) @No (I should have picked a better name):

I think it can get particularly messy when people frame date requests to mitigate possible rejection — that is, by trying to pitch the outing as platonic sounding as possible, so if if doesn't go well, they can always say, "Well, I never said it was a date in the first place…" I mean, I have trouble reading the signals, too, and I suspect that has a bunch to do with it. (Then again, I've even had trouble when I make a point to say that I do not want an outing to be a date, as I've had folks who have told me that they thought I really didn't mean that I wanted the outing to be platonic. So, hrm.)

]]> By: LDA http://tomatonation.com/vine/the-vine-december-16-2009/comment-page-2/#comment-43939 LDA Mon, 21 Dec 2009 00:13:46 +0000 http://tomatonation.com/?p=4243#comment-43939 @Jae Perhaps the reason your sister left so early is in your reason for wishing her to be there- you said you would like her to help out with your kids and with the in-laws. You wanted her to be there for you to help with the elements of your life that would be at the party. But she has her own life. Maybe that isn't how she wanted to spend the holiday. And maybe that isn't what she considers spending quality time with you. I'm not sure what you would have had to explain to your in-laws anyway. I can't see anything wrong with her behavior. @Jae

Perhaps the reason your sister left so early is in your reason for wishing her to be there- you said you would like her to help out with your kids and with the in-laws. You wanted her to be there for you to help with the elements of your life that would be at the party. But she has her own life. Maybe that isn't how she wanted to spend the holiday. And maybe that isn't what she considers spending quality time with you.
I'm not sure what you would have had to explain to your in-laws anyway. I can't see anything wrong with her behavior.

]]> By: Jen B http://tomatonation.com/vine/the-vine-december-16-2009/comment-page-2/#comment-43896 Jen B Sat, 19 Dec 2009 05:58:41 +0000 http://tomatonation.com/?p=4243#comment-43896 Wow, it's so nice to know other people have holiday travel issues, too. It seem like everyone I know only ever deals with one side of the family at a time, so no one knows the pain of juggling two different families for EVERY holiday. Of course, my husband and I live within 15-20 minutes of both sides of our families, so everyone expects us to be at everything every year. And we have a baby as well. So while the actual traveling isn't much, the back and forth ALL DAY LONG every Christmas, Easter, etc. is a pain. And it makes trying to keep any sort of nap schedule difficult. Sars, I have to say I love your "everyone goes to the baby" attitude. I wish my family shared that. This year my parents will not be going anywhere on Christmas Day, instead telling me that we can come over to their house whenever we want. Gee, thanks. Since they pitched a fit when I asked them to come to us last year, it's not worth the fight again. I dream of the day when we can move away and have our own holidays without all the back and forth. So, even as someone with a child, I don't think you're being unreasonable, Grinch. I have a dog as well and boarding is expensive. I could understand your sister's upset a little more if this was going to be your only opportunity to see her anytime in the near future, but you said you're going to see her around New Year's. Hosting is very stressful, so I'm guessing her emotional response came as much from the stress as from her wanting you to stay longer. Wow, it's so nice to know other people have holiday travel issues, too. It seem like everyone I know only ever deals with one side of the family at a time, so no one knows the pain of juggling two different families for EVERY holiday. Of course, my husband and I live within 15-20 minutes of both sides of our families, so everyone expects us to be at everything every year. And we have a baby as well. So while the actual traveling isn't much, the back and forth ALL DAY LONG every Christmas, Easter, etc. is a pain. And it makes trying to keep any sort of nap schedule difficult. Sars, I have to say I love your "everyone goes to the baby" attitude. I wish my family shared that. This year my parents will not be going anywhere on Christmas Day, instead telling me that we can come over to their house whenever we want. Gee, thanks. Since they pitched a fit when I asked them to come to us last year, it's not worth the fight again. I dream of the day when we can move away and have our own holidays without all the back and forth.

So, even as someone with a child, I don't think you're being unreasonable, Grinch. I have a dog as well and boarding is expensive. I could understand your sister's upset a little more if this was going to be your only opportunity to see her anytime in the near future, but you said you're going to see her around New Year's. Hosting is very stressful, so I'm guessing her emotional response came as much from the stress as from her wanting you to stay longer.

]]> By: iiii http://tomatonation.com/vine/the-vine-december-16-2009/comment-page-2/#comment-43892 iiii Sat, 19 Dec 2009 02:42:23 +0000 http://tomatonation.com/?p=4243#comment-43892 Grinch, I don't know what's up with your sister. But even if the speculative comments above are in the ballpark and she's got some hostess perfectionism thing going on, it still isn't your job to make her perfect holiday fantasies come true. You really do get to act in your own best interests, even if your interests conflict with her vision of the holiday. And you don't owe her an apology (or an extra present) for doing what's best for you. Grinch, I don't know what's up with your sister. But even if the speculative comments above are in the ballpark and she's got some hostess perfectionism thing going on, it still isn't your job to make her perfect holiday fantasies come true. You really do get to act in your own best interests, even if your interests conflict with her vision of the holiday. And you don't owe her an apology (or an extra present) for doing what's best for you.

]]> By: GC http://tomatonation.com/vine/the-vine-december-16-2009/comment-page-2/#comment-43884 GC Fri, 18 Dec 2009 22:11:07 +0000 http://tomatonation.com/?p=4243#comment-43884 No (shoulda picked a better name): First, if I'm interested, you hinting about having a boyfriend probably won't stand in the way of me asking you out. Second, I assure you, if I were to ask you out, you would have absolutely no doubt what I had in mind. "What I'm saying is -- and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form -- is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way." No (shoulda picked a better name): First, if I'm interested, you hinting about having a boyfriend probably won't stand in the way of me asking you out. Second, I assure you, if I were to ask you out, you would have absolutely no doubt what I had in mind.

"What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way."

]]> By: Vanessa H http://tomatonation.com/vine/the-vine-december-16-2009/comment-page-2/#comment-43882 Vanessa H Fri, 18 Dec 2009 21:22:31 +0000 http://tomatonation.com/?p=4243#comment-43882 Grinch -- being the "maiden aunt" for more than 20 years now, I've got to say that you are not being unreasonable. If I've correlated the logistics correctly, you'll be traveling 12 hours, staying with your parents (?), then another 3 to your sisters on Christmas Eve. Then back to your parents to pick up the dog. It sounds like you'll be staying with or near your parents and seeing your sister again for a few days around New Year's before heading back the 12 hours to where you live. It sounds like the dog will only be staying one night in a kennel but won't be home for a couple of weeks. If this will be the family situation for any length of time, you have to get your sister used to the idea that you have needs too. And that you aren't an accessory. Grinch — being the "maiden aunt" for more than 20 years now, I've got to say that you are not being unreasonable. If I've correlated the logistics correctly, you'll be traveling 12 hours, staying with your parents (?), then another 3 to your sisters on Christmas Eve. Then back to your parents to pick up the dog. It sounds like you'll be staying with or near your parents and seeing your sister again for a few days around New Year's before heading back the 12 hours to where you live. It sounds like the dog will only be staying one night in a kennel but won't be home for a couple of weeks.

If this will be the family situation for any length of time, you have to get your sister used to the idea that you have needs too. And that you aren't an accessory.

]]> By: Natalie http://tomatonation.com/vine/the-vine-december-16-2009/comment-page-2/#comment-43866 Natalie Fri, 18 Dec 2009 18:11:32 +0000 http://tomatonation.com/?p=4243#comment-43866 @Shonda: Professor Google says that rebop was a form of jazz that many people found unpleasant to listen to. So it's sort of like "Quit your yammering." @Shonda:

Professor Google says that rebop was a form of jazz that many people found unpleasant to listen to. So it's sort of like "Quit your yammering."

]]> By: Elsajeni http://tomatonation.com/vine/the-vine-december-16-2009/comment-page-2/#comment-43845 Elsajeni Fri, 18 Dec 2009 16:05:33 +0000 http://tomatonation.com/?p=4243#comment-43845 Actually, I believe "cut the rebop" was first used in Hamlet. Actually, I believe "cut the rebop" was first used in Hamlet.

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