We started being nice to her, like very nice, we ignored the caustic remarks she made, complimented her on whatever food dish she brought, asked her questions about her life and generally made a large group effort to include her in our conversations while being kind to her… she immediately stopped acting like a spoiled mean asshat…

I think part of the problem (in our situation at least) was that she was thrown into a group of people who had all known each other for upwards of 15 years, we are in a sense a second family to each other and she was scared and nervous we wouldn't accept her and her way of dealing with that was to be an asshole to all of us first as a defense mechanism. We always treated her well, but you know how it is when you're with your old friends, it turns to stories of "Remember that time?!" and everyone laughs and there's just one person left in the cold… I'm not saying this will work for sure, but the phrase "Kill em with Kindness" wasn't coined for no reason… If you think about it from her perspective, it's scary being the only non family member in those sorts of situations… sometimes people make an unconscious decision to just be a dick ahead of time to make sure that nothing they say can be accidentally construed as being a dick… (I hope that made some sort of sense)

I know some will see this as rewarding bad behavior, but I see it as (agreeing with sars and earlier comments) rewarding good behavior, we ignore her when she's a bitch, but while she's just sitting quietly we engage her in polite conversation geared towards making her feel comfortable. Once she got used to us we have had to do this less and less, now she's just one of the gang.

I agree 100% with what Grainger wrote, although it is, alas, not terribly helpful for those of us with "Carrie"s in our lives.

And Abby, I should point out that before you made that comment, perhaps 10 people had clicked from Tomato Nation to my blog, and now I'm up to 100. I don't think many people cared before, but now they are curious.

Many strangers know about my dad's health thanks to the concert I threw, and honestly my SIL has a reputation that precedes her. No shocking revelations in this thread, at least to the few readers who may recognize me here. But you do make a valid point, especially considering my signature.

@Mad I really think the advice SorchaRei has given here is truly beneficial to your situation. I also feel you may not see the support SorchaRei is offering-I don't feel the advice was given as a criticism to you. I feel you do need to learn to separate between the small and big stuff (and to not sweat the small stuff) because the big things do require your energy to address them.

My own two cents is that you need to be polite but very firm with your boundaries. Do not enable unacceptable behaviour. If that ultimately means she is deprived of your company because she cannot behave appropriately, so be it. If your brother complains-gently but firmly state why this has occurred and let him and her deal with the consequences resulting in her bad behaviour. If this has greater ramifications for your family, unfortunately, they will also have to learn about good boundary setting.

Her behaviour is beyond your and your family's control. You can only control your own behaviour. Do not expect her to change. Expect her NOT to change and all of your to behave accordingly. Having dealt with someone like this (former best friend and sister-in-law to fiance) I understand the difficulties you face. I went to a psychologist to deal with this and ended up having to walk away from former best friend which was one of the major factors that lead to fiance breaking up with me (choice between healthy emotional relationship vs dysfunctional family, dysfunctional family won. Go figure). At the time it was devasting and painful. Lots and lots of therapy let me tell you. Years later, I can see it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Truly. I feel I made a lucky esape. I hope your sitatuion doesn't *quite* have such a drastic outcome. Good luck.

I didn't say one single word about vets at all. Please don't attribute to me things I didn't say.

I said that you are telling yourself a story about this horrible person that causes you to overreact to things that would not bother you if someone else did them. One way to lower your blood pressure and make it easier to deal with the genuinely awful things she does is to learn to recognize when you are outraged about something that would not matter if someone else did it.

In other words, your history with this woman is coloring every reaction to her that you have. This is understandable, but one of the biggest steps forward you can make is to learn to separate things into three categories:

1. Stuff that really is an affront that you can do something about. This is the stuff you have to focus specific efforts on.

2. Stuff that is really an affront that you cannot do anything about. This is the stuff you need to learn to have an all-purpose way of deflecting.

3. Stuff that is only an issue because you hate this person so much and are so reactive to her. This is the stuff you need to learn to LET GO.

Your list is a mixture of these things, and your inability to consider that some of the items are only issues because it's her means that you are too tightly entangled in the situation.

I have said from the get-go that Carrie sounds awful and that your situation sounds difficult. But if your letter is an accurate reflection of your approach, then you are making it worse by not being able to remove the type 3 items from the burden you have to carry with this person. If you allow yourself to get upset about what present she gives you, then you are responsible for some of the burden she is on you.

The type 3 stuff will rub you raw, it will distract you from the type 1 stuff, and it will make finding a strategy to cope with type 2 stuff harder. It's not saying you are a liar or that she is not evil to point out that you need to focus on the stuff that matters and learn to let the other stuff go.

When she starts a fight at 2 separete weddings of family friends (I didn't even tell you about the other one – she wanted to hang out in the groomsmen room with my brother before the ceremony, and yelled at the wedding planner for asking her to take her seat) then it does become my business, because she's a liability to my family. People have actually avoided inviting my entire family to events, because if they invited us, they would have to invite her.

And CK, THANK YOU.

I reacted the same way to the DVD thing, which was to think, "Okay, but now you're super-hyper-sensitive to this because it's her." Ditto the tendency to overreact to things said to other people that are really none of your business. Mad is super-sensitive about Carrie; so what? The question is, "How do I spend less energy on this?" And the answer, to me, is really, "Decide to spend less energy on it." She won't get better. Take that as a given. If it ever gets any easier, you can be pleasantly surprised.