When someone starts drinking and uses that as stress management (or anger management or whatever), they often stop developing other tools to deal with stress (ex. identifying exercise or a hobby as a stress-reliever, getting to know yourself well enough to know that you need time to decompress when you get home before talking about big issues, etc.). Take away the alcohol, and they're left with whatever stress management skills they had as a kid, long before they had their adult responsibilities.

If you know someone who keeps trying to quit or lower intake and succeeds for a few days but then slips back, and you would like to try to help (while still keeping a healthy detachment), it could be worthwhile to explicitly discuss new strategies for dealing with the stress. This is where a therapist who specializes in behavior change can be really helpful–but if the drinker refuses to seek outside help, you can still try a few things. You can ask him in which situations or at which times of day he usually reaches for a drink
(even if you think you already know the answer), and for each of these, work together to come up with a few plans, two or three things he can do instead. You can draw on activities he enjoyed back when he was a kid or teenager that maybe he moved away from as he grew up: if running or painting or playing guitar used to bring him joy, then figuring out how to reintroduce that into his life may provide him an outlet for dealing with stress in a healthy way. In the letter-writer's case, co-parents can try to work together to find ways of incorporating the kids into these new activities, such as buying a running stroller so that he can get back into running while having some time with the baby.

I'm talking specifically about high-functioning alcoholics here, or people where you might wonder whether they're alcoholics without feeling complete certainty–not anyone who has gotten a DUI, lost a job because of alcoholism, etc. There seem to be a lot of people out there who feel trapped in a situation with a partner who can physically quit drinking but doesn't stick with it for some reason, people who want to help or be supportive but don't know how. Here's a way to give some real help and support. No guarantees, and it's still up to the drinker to make lasting changes, but this is all a way to take some action, rather than feel you can only watch from the sidelines.

(If he's been able to quit for a few days at a time without ill health effects, then he's probably psychologically addicted but not physically addicted. People who are physically addicted and try to stop drinking by themselves can die from withdrawal, which is why doctor supervision and/or inpatient detox can be vital.)

And, Medium – yeah, Al-anon. Please. Your poor toddler :(

The final straw for me came when I got sick and needed him to take the "night shift" for a couple days. He promised not to drink, but did, and one night I came downstairs to a crying baby and a passed out daddy. I realized then that, after about 8pm, I couldn't count on him for anything.Visions of emergencies flashed through my head — as well as visions of the monotony of having a drunk for a husband for the rest of my life. The next day I said he c could have drinking or his family and gave him info on rehab.

He tried a variety of things: just AA meetings, outpatient rehab, but finally needed a stint in inpatient rehab (thank God for insurance!). As of yesterday, he has six months of sobriety and our family is working a lot better. Not only is he "present" all day, he's not hungover every morning.

It's not easy but it's worth it. You must put yourself and your baby first. You deserve a safe and sober household. Ironically, putting yourself first can help your husband get healthier. Once you no longer put up with his drinking something will have to change. Good luck!

I agree with Benji, Anonymous for this one, and everyone else who put the focus on the why of his drinking. Chances are he already feels isolated. While the baby factor is of course a very big deal, turning it into "Look what you're doing/will do to the child!" is a bad idea. He already knows he has a child. Turning it into a "me and the kid" versus "you" is just going to make him feel more isolated and possibly ganged up on. He doesn't need more pressure; that's a huge reason he's drinking. He needs to get to the underlying causes of the drinking and work on those. I could be completely wrong, but he's not drinking enough to hit rock bottom any time soon. If he agrees to quit drinking simply to please Medium, it won't stick, or the problems will surface in other, possibly more harmful, symptoms.

Good luck no matter what, to your whole family.

That doesn't mean you have to start thinking "oh, I will have to leave him…" etc. But you will benefit tremendously from learning how to separate yourself from your husband's issues – alcoholism or otherwise. If you find yourself starting to think about doing things that "manage" his drinking in some way, then you are starting to take on the disease for him, and your life will get affected (will suffer) for it.

Check out a million different Al-Anon meetings if you need to. Try the same one for a couple of weeks to get a feel for it. Even though it's scary, reach out to someone as a "temporary sponsor" to help be an immediate connection for you. You don't have to stay friends forever, I promise! And it's ok if the people speaking seem more severe in their situations than you. It's not about comparing your differences – it's about coming together in your common need for support.

You may also want to check out CoDA meetings in your area (Codependents Anonymous) if they have more meeting options – they are not "attached" per se to a particular addiction, but still use the basic principles and support structure.

Good luck! Only you can take care of yourself. Don't worry about what might be in the long-term. Take things one day at a time. You may find that your questions & concerns change as your circumstances evolve.

After some pretty bad times last year, he chose to cut back to only drinking on weekends (Fri-Sat-Sun) and on holidays. I know he's still an addict and I hate how drunk he gets, how unavailable he is to me, etc., but so far, the alternative, leaving him, seems worse, especially for the kids.

At Al-Anon, it seemed like the people at the meetings I went to were in much worse situations. I went to about 20 meetings, different times and places, trying to find people who were dealing with similar situations. No luck – it was more like people whose boyfriend burned down their house or something. At the end of the day, even our couples counselor acknowledged that there aren't any other solutions. You either live with it, or leave.

I 'm not saying you shouldn't go to Al-Anon; it can be very helpful. But, as everyone else has pointed out, this will ultimately be your decision about what you can live with.

I agree with Sars that lowering your expectations for your cousin is a good idea, but I'd add that you should raise your expectations for your own behavior. Reign it in a little next time – try *not* acting defiant. Be calm, be cool, be an adult. The fallout might surprise you.

I was told recently to change the wording of a report to "sound more positive" before it went to the boss. My immediate reply was "This isn't positive. This is a wake up call. This issue is a real problem." Their reply was "Oh yes, yes, but can't you write it 60% positive and 40% negative?" So I gritted my teeth and did it – it's just finding culturally appropriate ways of working, ways of greasing the wheels and being effective.

I actually think it can be quite fun if you make it. Try Sara's suggestion – smile sweetly and guilt your cousin in her own game!

Also, if the insoles are removable, take them out at night so they can air-dry. Replacing them every few months couldn't hurt, either.