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The Vine

The Tomato Nation advice column addresses your questions on etiquette, grammar, romance, and pet misbehavior. Ask The Readers about books or fashion today!

Home » The Vine

The Vine: January 17, 2001

Submitted by on January 17, 2001 – 5:12 PMNo Comment

Hey Sars.

I’ve been having a problem with a friend of mine — or ex-friend — I don’t really know. We were good friends for three years throughout college (I graduated last year, he’s graduating this year). I helped him through academic and family crises; he’d listen to me vent about lack of disabled access and unsympathetic teachers; we even had jobs in the same place. We were always pretty supportive of each other, celebrated good grades and the like, et cetera. When I was diagnosed with MS, he was the first one I turned to, and he didn’t disappoint.

When I graduated, I took a job where I was able to afford a good doctor, who easily solved the major problems of my legs to where I could walk and even run — I hadn’t been able to run in years — and just plain live without excruciating pain. That, and the possibility that I may not have MS after all, was happy news. Which I went to share with my friend.

So I walked up to him in the school library, without limping or crutches or anything, the first time he’d ever seen me free of pain. I told him that I was walking again, and how good I felt. He just looked at me with a kind-of sneer, and all he said was, “So what? I’ve been walking all my life.” And he wasn’t being a smart-ass; he was serious. The most important thing that’s ever happened to me, and that’s what he says.

I walked out and haven’t spoken to him since. He hasn’t even called to say he’s sorry, or that it was a joke (which it wasn’t anyway), except now. It’s been six months since then, and last week was the first I’d heard from him, when he left three messages. No apologies or anything, he just said to call him.

I haven’t responded, and don’t really want to, after all that. My thinking is that a true friend wouldn’t do something like that, but then again it might not be fair to just dismiss him like that, no matter how angry I still am at that comment. So, as indecisive as I am on this, I’d like to hear your take.

Walking Out in Denver

Dear Walking,

Congratulations on the improvement in your health.

And now to your question. I can’t imagine what would prompt an alleged “friend” of yours to say something so callous. Maybe he’d had a bad day; maybe he felt that you relied on him or clung to him too much. Not that either of those things would excuse his behavior, but the incident still bothers you — and I don’t blame you — and I think you’d feel better about it if you talked to him.

Call him back. Remind him of what happened, tell him how hurt you felt, and ask him what the hell went through his head when he dismissed you so contemptuously and then didn’t apologize. At the very least, you’ll get it out on the table, and perhaps he’ll explain and apologize.

You don’t have to resume your friendship, but it’s obviously still making you angry, and I think you miss your friend too. Pardon my trotting out this word, but you need closure. Give him a call.

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