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The Tomato Nation advice column addresses your questions on etiquette, grammar, romance, and pet misbehavior. Ask The Readers about books or fashion today!

Home » The Vine

The Vine: January 29, 2002

Submitted by on January 29, 2002 – 6:58 PMNo Comment

Ms. Sars:

Am I missing the clues? Am I just not picking up on the signals he’s throwing out? A few months ago, he told me he still loved me, but that he didn’t know if he wants me physically anymore. Since then, we haven’t touched. Not just sex, though not that either — I mean the little touches, hand-holding, heads on shoulder, hugs. I told him I’d give him all the time he needed to figure things out, but I’m going through withdrawal — he’s almost the only person in my life who has permission to give those little touches, and it’s not happening. There have been too many times when I’ve felt uncomfortable with others pushing touching on me, so I’m not going to do it to him; I’m giving him some space, not forcing the issue. He’s settled into normality like that conversation never happened, like nothing has changed. We hang out together, we continue to sleep in the same bed (albeit with empty space between), even call each other boy-/girlfriend in the company of others.

We’ve had five years together — not all good times, but mostly so, and they’ve been the best years of our (short) respective lives. I’m afraid. I met him right out of high school and we made it through my time away at college while he was at home, made it through the move to our apartment when school was over two years later, made it through various illnesses and difficulties, and I don’t want to be the one to say, “Is this over?” But it feels more and more like it might be, like it’s time to say we’re best friends and roommates, not lovers. I love him, but I need more and he’s not willing.

Do I wait it out, give him the time and space to decide what he wants? Or do I ask him directly and live with the consequences I don’t really want? There are, of course, less esoteric matters having to do with leases and money and jobs, but that will all fall into place as required — they have a small bearing, but not enough to mention.

Thanks for any help you can share,
Almost Resigned, Definitely Scared

Dear Almost,

You already have waited it out, for months. You’ve already got the consequences you fear so much. It might seem like it could get worse, but really, it can’t. You already live in the limbo of “worse.”

It’s really scary to make a big change, especially when it involves a relationship you’ve relied on for so long, but the change already happened; you just didn’t acknowledge it, because you didn’t want to. But he’s not giving you what you need, and he’s not going to. He’s already decided. Accept that, and start moving on.

Talk to him. Tell him you can see that it’s over. Make arrangements to move out. Again, I know it’s scary, but you can handle it — and you need to handle it. It’s time.

I recently got back together with my former boyfriend, with whom I lived for nine months previously. We broke up over the summer, and, as he was on tour, he took up with some older woman. They then broke up, and in November, he and I began to date again.

Everything seems to be going well, except for the following. He refuses to get rid of certain (nine or ten) naked/compromising/pornographic pictures he owns of the summer girlfriend, citing nostalgia with such excuses as, “But I want to keep them. They’re just like regular photographs: to remember someone by,” which I counter with, “No, they were taken for patently sexual interpersonal purposes at the time, and if you are truly over her (as you claim) and truly love me (as you also claim) then you will throw them out, because you are a careless fool, given to leaving offensive things lying about, and while I can endure the occasional cheesy ‘men’s’ magazine, some other naked chick is NOT COOL, mister.”

Am I being an over-controlling freak by asking him to throw them away, or what? They’ve got me me really, really sad/angry/uncomfortable/mystified, in part because I can’t fathom any other purpose for their existence other than masturbation fodder. As it is a real person we both know, I can’t deal, and I am freaking out hardcore.

Thanks and love,
Photo-chapped

Dear Photo,

This isn’t about the pictures themselves. This is about you wanting him to renounce the summer girlfriend, metaphorically speaking. There’s nothing wrong with that, but you need to acknowledge that and find a way to deal with it.

It’s not out of line for you to want him to chuck the pictures, but…he doesn’t want to, and he won’t, not of his own volition. He just doesn’t agree that it’s a big deal, and as far as he’s concerned, that’s that. You can either lay down the law and tell him that it’s you or the pictures, or you can bite your lip and trust that they really don’t mean anything.

I can’t tell you which option you should pick. If you really think he’s jerking off to them, well, you should probably leave. If he’s just stubborn about stuff like that, maybe it’s best to leave it alone. But you have to pick one of the options, because otherwise, the two of you will continue to fight about it, with you insisting that the pictures insult you and him responding that he doesn’t see it that way and both of you resenting the other for not giving in.

In other words, decide what you can live with, and live with it.

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