I never made any move to contact my friend after submitting this letter. About a month ago, however, he contacted me. Well, sorta. I print a small magazine (under an alias, but if you know me, you'd know it's me) and he bought a copy of the mag through my website. I shipped it, thinking maybe it was a sign he'd been thinking of me too, but never did anything more at the time because I was moving and really busy.

Anyways, a couple days ago I was looking through my magazine's Facebook fans and I see he 'likes' it. So I go to his FB profile and send him a message. Basically I apologized, not for having gone through a tough time, but for not handling it very well and being a selfish friend throughout. Happily, he replied saying some nice things in return, among them that, despite our friendship hitting a wall, he never considered it over, just maybe on hiatus.

I feel like I should sum up with some sort of advice or lesson here (don't take your friends for granted? don't be too proud to apologize?) but I'll just leave it at that!

Getting to the heart of the letter, if not the matter, the biggest problem seems to be Mom's passive-aggressive behavior. I have a passive-aggressive mother myself, and she continued to be so until I put my foot down, several times, in a row. The worst situation with me was her actually suggesting I divorce my husband (then of six months) because he has a disability that wasn't completely under control and couldn't find a job. She _does_ care for me, but that was entirely the wrong way to show it, and passive-aggressively spoke of her attitude towards both my husband and the disability he deals with.

Needless to say, I hung up, and made it clear that the passive-aggressive attempts to control my life were _done_, and if she wanted to be part of my life, they would stop. (Thankfully, they have, but damn did it take awhile)

The point to that little story, for Gallop, is that lines need to be drawn. As sucky as it is, you need to sit down with your mother, and pointedly tell her that you understand where she's coming from about the cats, but they are _your family_, and you will not budge on this issue. You _will_ make the transition as painless as possible, you _will_ do anything you can to help your mother. But you will not sacrifice your family to someone who can't even come out and flat-out state "I love your cats. I don't know how I'm going to cope without them. _May I keep them?_"

As for the Alzheimer's; yes, it's stressful. Yes, it kills the person who has to deal with it daily with stress and grief. Instead of sacrificing the cats, maybe address the heart of _that_ issue, and look into help for your mother in taking care of your grandmother? I'm certain there are organizations that, for a day or two days a week, could come and watch your grandmother while your mom gets out of the house and does things for herself.

And yes, I do think helping your mom adopt two new cats — young adolescent cats, not kittens — will help. There will be no strings attached to the two new additions, and both of you will feel like the other really cares about the situation.

So, to sum up: Talk to your mother. Confront her behavior, and state that while you understand, had she wanted to keep the cats, _a direct request_ would have been better than the guilt trips you have received. State your intentions to help as best as you can, up to and including arranging care for grandma so Mom can do her own thing on occasion as well as adopting new cats, and go from there.

Communication is key. Good luck.

Sorry to rant – I'm getting to a point.

Gallop Sr has grown to love these cats and incorporated them into her life, not just for a few days, but for months. Her reaction to them being taken away is real fear. To take them away now would be hugely upsetting. If you leave a pet with a family member for a few days, you get them back. If you leave them for months, they become part of a new family. It sucks, but I think Gallop needs to leave the cats.

Are you getting any counselling or supervision yourself as part of the programme? Might be worth talking through this situation, and why it is you're finding it hard to let this girl go.

Shelters are full of adult 'pairs'. It's harder to place pairs because the view is that 2 cats are more work than 1. In my experience, this is not the case, in fact, at times it is the opposite.

The good thing about adopting a pair of bonded adult cats is that they are fully trained (if not, it is mentioned they are special needs) and more importantly, that they have each other as an inbuilt suport system which makes transitioning to a new environment MUCH easier.

That said, I can see why Gallop is near the end of her tether about this, especially now that her mom has enlisted the help of a third party to put on the pressure (even if the third party in this case doesn't quite realize it).

Yes, it still is a choice between being "right" and being "happy", but the question, I think is what Gallop wants as an end result of this. I think the best solution is to to float the idea of getting a new cat for her mom and taking her two back. It's the best compromise, and hopefully mom would accept it.

If she doesn't, again Gallop will have to make a choice about
1) whether she really wants her cats, and whether she does want to put her foot down here and possibly irreparably damage the relationship with her mom despite getting her a new cat, or
2) whether she's willing to let the cats go and continue having a relationship with her mom, even if it is a little strained for a while until the bitterness recedes about the "stealing" of the cats.

@Jane "That's not a friend, that's an unpaid job." Ooh, I'm guing to have to steal that -made me laugh right out loud! Thanks!