Since sometimes I can’t tell when I’m reading Vine letters, let me say
up-front that I’m a 23-year-old girl. About three months ago, I met and
started dating a friend of my cousin, who has recently become my roommate
(the cousin). James (26) and I decided fairly quickly to be boyfriend and
girlfriend. He is the sweetest, most thoughtful and generous person I’ve
ever met, but I’m afraid that the problem I’m about to describe will break
us up, and I’m hoping you can offer some advice so that it doesn’t come to
that.

He’s clingy. He wants to spend every minute of our free time together. At
first, this seemed really sweet. I haven’t had much luck with guys in the
past, and for the first few weeks, I basked in the affection that he gave
me daily. Lately, though, I’ve been getting a little annoyed with him.
Simply, I need some time to myself, and if I ask for it, it makes him sad.
For instance, I just moved out of my parents’ house and have lived in my
apartment with my cousin for less than a week. However, I’ve spent, like
90% of that time with James. Don’t get me wrong, we have a ton of fun
together. We watch movies, we make dinner, we play video games and go
places, and I have a lot of fun with him…but sometimes I feel like if he
didn’t make plans, I’d be perfectly happy sitting on my couch watching TV
and bonding with my new roommate (who I have known my whole life, but until
recently we didn’t spend a whole lot of time together socially).

When I turn down or cancel plans with James, he gets upset. He says he’s
sad, and takes it extremely personally (assuming I must be sick of him,
et cetera), which he shouldn’t — it isn’t exactly personal. I don’t dislike
spending time with him, I just need some time alone! I guess the hardest
thing about saying no to him is that I don’t necessarily have something
else to do, and it’s hard to tell him, “No, I’d rather just sit around
alone tonight.”

And forget it if I want to go out without him — about a
month ago, a very close friend who lives halfway across the country and who
I hadn’t seen in over six months came to town, and a bunch of our hometown
friends took her out to a club. I thought I made it clear that it was a
Girls’ Night, but when I told James about it, he asked if he was invited.
I felt bad ditching him on a Friday night, so I said yes but told him,
“It’s going to be all girls that you don’t know.” He said okay, but as soon
as we got to the club, he pulled me aside and said, “You aren’t going to
ditch me for your friends tonight, are you?” So I spent the night keeping
him company instead of dancing with my friend I hadn’t seen in forever, and
while I understood that he would have been all alone at the club if I
wasn’t hanging with him, I was mad because I told him what the night was
going to be like, and I think that it was unfair for him to expect me to
entertain him instead of partying with my girl. I had fun, but it wasn’t
the giggling, dancing, exciting girlie night I wanted — it was another date
night.

This issue extends to other facets of the relationship — he told me he loved
me less than a month after we got together. I told him that I was nowhere
near ready for that, and that I really cared about him but “I love you” was
a little too much. We haven’t discussed it again since then, but I feel
like he wonders why I haven’t said it. Also, it’s impossible for him to
say goodbye in under 20 minutes. He always wants to smoke one last
cigarette or get one more kiss or one more hug; it’s sweet, but enough
already! It isn’t like we’re parting for weeks! When I say I have to go
home, or to bed, I mean it, and I don’t mean it as a personal insult, I
just have other things to do — and he feels like I’m being short with him if
I leave without at least a billion kisses and hugs (same thing on the
phone — we make kissy noises when we hang up — oh God).

I suppose it’s partly my fault that our relationship has developed like
this. As I mentioned before, at the beginning I was flattered and excited
that he was so into me, and in a way, I reciprocated a lot of the behavior
I’ve described. I imagined that after a while the
sappy-sweetness I-can’t-be-without-you honeymoon phase would relax after we
got more used to each other, and while it has for me, it hasn’t for him. I
still really, really like him, and I appreciate the way he treats me, but
I’m feeling smothered. We’ve only been dating for three months, and he’s
practically living with me. It’s not that I don’t want us to be serious or
exclusive, I just need time to myself.

I’ve tried to subtly convey my concerns to him, but as I said, it’s not
like I always have other plans. I know if I just told him that I need some
time to myself he would be hurt, which makes me feel like we’re just
different people, and that we won’t be happy together. I’m sure he’d let
me have time alone, but he wouldn’t be happy about it — and I want him to be
happy. I also feel like if I complained about this, it’d be like changing
the ground rules on him — as we got to know each other, I liked being
together 24/7…is it unfair to change my mind now?

Basically, I want to be able to assume time alone. Does that make sense?
I want it to be normal if we talk but don’t necessarily see each other. Do
you think that’s selfish? I think that it’s a reasonable request, but I
know that if I talk to him and he agrees to it, he’ll really feel bad, and
tiptoe around the issue.

I guess my question is, is there any way to explain how I feel without
hurting his feelings? Do you think that I should establish how I feel by
simply saying no to plans every once in a while? Should I say no, let him
feel bad for a little while, and then just make up for it by spending a
reasonable amount of time together and showing him that I still care about
him, I just can’t do it every minute of every day? Ugh, I’m so stressed
about this, because I’m afraid that we’re just incompatible on this issue
and that it will end up breaking us up, which I don’t want. I want to be
able to relax and have a normal relationship with this fantastic (in all
other areas) guy…how do I do it?

Thanks a lot,
Feeling Smothered

The last year or so I’ve dated a bunch of girls, only one of whom was anything significant (two months). Most of them I didn’t find that interesting ultimately, and the few that I really did like weren’t into me. These many dates this past year — I met the girls through a mixture of online sites and just meeting people around and asking for numbers. But I’ve never been “set up” with someone before. And that is exactly what a friend of mine (let’s call her Rebecca) in school has just proposed to me.

I’m in grad school, so you should know that many of my classmates are married, including Rebecca. But here’s the thing: Rebecca and the friend who she wants to set me up with are both Orthodox Jewish. Through my Orthodox friends, I’ve learned a lot about the insulated bizarre Orthodox Jewish dating world, where almost all dating is through set-ups, and there’s a lot more pressure to break up after a couple of months if you don’t want to marry, that sort of thing, since most people marry young to start a family early. I’m a Reform/Conservative Jew — I attend services and Shabbat dinners irregularly and don’t keep kosher, but observe many holidays fully. This girl that I would be set up with observes the sabbath and keeps kosher strictly.

I do prefer to date Jewish girls, but I’ve never really dated an Orthodox girl. I really don’t know if this girl’s observance would be a problem for me, but I’m really curious and eager to try this. I asked Rebecca if she thought my lack of observance would be a problem for the girl, and Rebecca replied, “Well, is it a problem for you? Are you fine with not going out on Friday nights or Saturday afternoons?” I really don’t know. When I initially asked Rebecca how religious her friend is, she told me she was “bi,” as a way of making her seem less extreme I suppose. My last girlfriend was bisexual, so that definitely doesn’t bother me.

What it comes down to is, I’m not sure if I can accept the set-up offer. I want to, because I would like to find a nice girl to date, and I’ve had some pretty mixed luck and a little heartbreak this past year, and Rebecca seemed to think this girl and I might click. And I’ve always been for trying everything at least once (okay, most things). But I worry, if I’m not sure if I could actually have a relationship with an Orthodox girl, am I wrong to accept the offer? Would I misrepresenting myself and wasting everybody’s time? I appreciate any suggestions.

Sincerely,
Just Exploring Women

I live on the first floor of my apartment building.
My rather inconsiderate upstairs neighbour recently acquired a
treadmill of all things. You can imagine how pleasant that must
sound, with the machine grinding away and a good-sized girl running
and pounding on it while singing “I Will Survive.” Yes, really.

My question is, should I say anything? She runs during reasonable
hours (never after 10 PM) and runs for about one hour. But it’s REALLY
ANNOYING. I can’t focus on anything while she’s doing it, not even
Smallville, which doesn’t require much concentration. I think I’m a
pretty understanding neighbor, I accept her occasional loud drunken
nights and sometimes she wants to blast her god-awful country music,
but the treadmill just kills me. What the hell is she thinking? Does
she realize other people live in the building? Unfortunately, I don’t
think it’s reasonable of me to tell her to stop since it’s not like
she runs on it for hours at four in the morning. And it’s not like
she’ll agree to just stop using something she probably paid a lot of
money for. Or maybe it is reasonable. I can’t tell, my judgment is
clouded by my massive dislike for her. So should I confront her
calmly, or just deal with the Richard Simmons/Gloria Gaynor combo for
an hour?

Yours Truly,
I Guess Trolls Need Exercise Too

I am fifteen years old and a freshman in high school. I ask you to keep this in mind as your advice could affect the enjoyment of my next four years of school. So let me get right to my problem.

“Sally” and I have been friends since elementary school. We were closer then, kind of drifted apart in middle school, but have become closer this past school year. Keep in mind that although I love “Sally” like a sister, she is the biggest blonde in the world. She is one of the ditsiest people you will ever meet but also one of the sweetest.

Since we had become closer over the past few months I wondered whether I should buy her a Christmas present, but thankfully she brought up the subject. She asked me if I wanted to exchange presents this year and I enthusiastically responded “Yes, sure.” One night while instant messaging her, I mentioned that I had purchased her present and she questioned me about what it was for quite a while. I refused to tell her even though I informed her of the store I bought it from. She told me that she planned to go shopping at the mall in the next few days to purchase my present.

Then came the Winter Dance at my school. We went out to dinner together with our dates and two other couples. At dinner we talked about Christmas and somehow it came up that she had purchased my present. To be fair, I asked her to tell me what store mine was from and she told me. She also told me it was silver so I assume it was some kind of jewelry. She told me she was so excited to give it to me.

Over Christmas break we both were very busy, she had family over at her house and I was out of town for a few days. We never got a chance to get together. I talked to her and we agreed to bring our presents on the first day back to school. The problem is, when I got to school she had forgotten my present. I gave her hers anyway and she loved what I got her. She told me she would bring mine the next day. Well, fast forward to now and still no gift from “Sally.”

I asked my mom and she gave the whole “giving is better then receiving” speech. I don’t even really care about the present that much, but now I am getting all paranoid that maybe she doesn’t like me or think of me as a good friend, like I do her. I am also worried that if she remembers that she never gave me the present she will feel really bad because I know she was excited about it. Will she wonder why I never said anything? So this is my question, do I say nothing and risk making her feel guilty when she remembers it in the future, or do I politely mention it? Would it be rude to bring it up? Do you think she doesn’t like me or is this just her spacey personality coming out?

Some advice would be awesome,
Giftless Girl

Greetings from South Africa. I may be travelling to New Jersey just after Easter. I’ll be working some of the time, but I’ll have weekends and evenings free. Now I don’t wanna do the Lamey Lamerton stuff — I wanna do the secret stuff only locals know is cool. You seem to know your shit on the Garden State, so could you suggest some stuff?

Regards,
Tourist on tenterhooks