Boy and I get along fabulously. I could not imagine enjoying someone as much as I enjoy him. Physically and emotionally, things are wonderful. On a personal day-to-day level, it’s great.

On to the problem…Boy doesn’t work. He is not a productive member of society. I’ll try to sum up his history of non-productivity as briefly as possible. He worked at a summer camp. Then he went to college for a year on a full-ride engineering scholarship. He got good grades and worked full-time. Then he went back to the summer camp. Then he spent four months doing nothing. He dropped out of college, lived with his mom, and did not work. Mostly he hung out with his buddies doing drugs and playing video games. His aunt gave him a job as a webmaster for her computer training company. That lasted four months, until apparently his aunt decided that paying her nephew to buy video games with the company credit card and not show up to work wasn’t such a great idea. It must have been a family-wide revelation, because his mom also kicked him out. He spent the spring as a homeless telemarketer before returning to the summer camp. We moved in together in the middle of the summer.

During this time, I was in college, graduated, and then returned to the summer camp for the summer. After camp, I immediately took a job as a waitress for a few months and then got a job in accounting. It took him about eight weeks to get a job once we were done with summer camp. He finally got a job part-time for nominally more than minimum wage selling video games. He kept this job until Christmas. Then I went home for Christmas, and he just didn’t go to work. It took him about two weeks to admit that they weren’t going to call him in to work. So, for a month of early spring, he lied to me about having a job. He got his parents to send him money. I found out one night when I called to see if he needed a ride home. I was told he didn’t work there. I’m an idiot and I didn’t kick him out right then. Since then, he’s worked at a liquor store for three days until he failed the drug test. That’s it for seven months.

I have tried everything imaginable to get him to get a job. I have been supportive and waited to see if he would become employed on his own (he hasn’t). I have cut him off financially (his parents send him money). I have tried guilt. I have tried reason. I have tried dressing him up and dragging him through the mall, filling out applications everywhere. I have circled the classifieds for him. I have been buying the Sunday paper, hoping he’ll look on his own. I ask every day when I get home from work what he’s done for the job search. No job hunting is really taking place around these parts.

The complicating factor here is that I am now eight months pregnant. We are putting the baby up for adoption. So, that adds to the reasons to keep him around. It also adds to “how shitty” file…I have been at work every weekday of those eight months. He sleeps ’til noon and bums around all day. The issue…am I wasting my time here? Right now, his parents are paying his half of the rent. I am buying his groceries and cigarettes. He somehow finds money for weed. So, it’s not like he’s a horrible financial burden. If I kicked him out, I think I would break about even with the doubling of rent.

I am only 21 years old. It’s not like I am really looking to get married right now. I don’t like wasting my time though. How can I see a future with someone I don’t see a future for? I have lost faith in the idea that he will ever be employed for any period of time in the foreseeable future. Should I keep him around for another month or two while I need the emotional support and then kick him out when I am more able-bodied? Rather than use him, should I kick him out now? Should I just let it go and be happy that I am pleased with everything besides his joblessness and just try not to think of this as even potentially a lifetime commitment?

Thanks,
Feeling slightly used

To make a long, convoluted story shorter, a few years back, my husband and I divorced. We only ended up being apart for eight months and are now back together, raising our five-year-old daughter and working on not repeating past mistakes.

In that eight months, he got another girl pregnant. After months of lies regarding an alleged abortion, et cetera, she ended up having the baby. Two weeks after the paternity test confirmed he was the father, she moved out of the state. Now that we have spent significant amounts of time and money in court, she is back in our state and living 100 miles away.

We attempt to have visitation every other weekend. Sometime this happens, and sometimes we give in to one of her bi-weekly reasons why we can’t (i.e. child’s sick, child got shots, weather is bad, et cetera). Throughout this mess (the baby is almost two) I have had to put up with this girl badmouthing me to anyone who will listen, including the judge; acting like a snotty bitch whenever she is around me, going out of her way to belittle me with thinly-veiled insults; so on. When she comes to my home, I invite her in. When the opposite happens, she makes me stand on her porch in 20-degree weather, but is more than willing to have my husband inside.

I am just trying to do the right thing here. This child is my daughter’s half-sister, after all. It hurts like hell to see the child that my husband had with another woman, but I suck it up. I make sure to send the child’s clothing home clean and unstained. In the past, I wrote the mother two emails attempting to come to some sort of truce with her, only to find out that she let all her friends read them. I send the mother pictures of her so that she can see the child is clean, happy, and well cared for when she is with us. I attempt to meet the mother’s demands, no matter how unreasonable, and include her in activities or events we do with the child. Frankly, I am tired of being treated like dirt. I have bit my tongue so many times.

Do I just continue to ignore her childish, rude behavior? Can I finally get mad enough to say something? Do I write the letter that has been composing itself in my head for the past year? She’s extremely passive-aggressive and gets very nervous when actually confronted. It’s really eating at me and I won’t even begin to guess all of the reasons for it, but suffice it to say that I think we should both be acting like adults and I feel like I am dealing with a junior high bully each time I see her.

Signed,
Wanting “Miss Manners’ Helpful Hints For Dealing With Assholes”

There has been a great grammar debate in my dorm this week about a sign that was placed on the front door. (Yes, we have grammar debates in my dorm.) The sign began: “To whomever has dishes in the sink…” (We also don’t do our dishes.)

The argument has been about whether the correct word is “whoever” or “whomever.” The argument for “whoever” is that it is the subject of the subordinate clause, while the argument for “whomever” is that it is the object of “to.”

Would you, with all of your grammatical prowess, please clear up the issue?

Another Grammar Geek