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Home » The Vine

The Vine: March 28, 2002

Submitted by on March 28, 2002 – 8:56 PMNo Comment

Sars,

Maybe you can help me with this, because I can’t seem to decide what to do. I’ve got a friend named Ann whom I’ve been friends with for about five years. We met our freshman year in college, and even though I left school three years ago, we’ve remained close. Since then, she’s graduated and moved to my city, which is also her hometown, and started working as a teacher.

Lately, when she asks me to do something, she always wants it to be a “girls’ night out” sort of thing. I’ve been in a relationship for the past eighteen months, and she’s never had a problem hanging out with my boyfriend before. He’s beginning to think that she doesn’t like him, even though he hasn’t done anything to upset her. She doesn’t have a boyfriend, by the way. Ann also always invites another teacher from her school, named Kristy. When Ann and Kristy are together, it’s hard to get a word in edgewise, and I end up feeling like I’m on the outside of a very inside joke. They aren’t interested in hearing about my job or about my life…basically, I sit there while they discuss students and gossip about other teachers and share teacher jokes that really aren’t that funny unless you are a teacher.

She keeps inviting me out, and I hate to turn her down, because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I really miss just hanging around with her, too. I just don’t want to be the odd man out every time, and I want to spend time with her and my boyfriend at the same time. Should I say something to her, or should I stick with the “ignore it and it will go away” routine?

Thanks!

Stumped

Dear Stumped,

I don’t know exactly what’s going on here, but a few things in your letter jumped out at me, to wit: 1) Apparently, you’d rather not socialize without your boyfriend. 2) You make sure to point out that Ann doesn’t have a boyfriend. 3) You don’t mention inviting her to do anything, only that she invites you to do things. 4) You don’t like doing things with her now because you feel left out.

Now read your last paragraph. “I just don’t want to be the odd man out every time, and I want to spend time with her and my boyfriend at the same time.” Um…hello? Maybe Ann doesn’t want to be the odd man out either. Maybe Ann started inviting Kristy along on these evenings out because she felt left out and fifth wheel-y around you and your boyfriend. I don’t know if that’s what’s happening here, but when I invite my friends to hang out and they always always always bring their significant others along, it gets sort of old, and it’s not that I don’t like the SOs or enjoy their company. It’s that, once in awhile, I’d like to see just my friend.

If you don’t want to hang out with Ann and Kristy, tell her you can’t make it. But you might considering planning something with just the two of you — no boyfriend, no Kristy — because that’s probably what you both want anyway.

Hey Sars,

I’d really like an outside (preferably blunt) opinion about something, and you seem like a pretty good person to request that from. Here goes:

For the first time in my life, I’ve found a really great guy. We’re pretty different in outside appearances (social/economic status, tastes, et cetera) but have great conversations, are attracted to one another, blah blah blah. Basically: I like him and he likes me back. We’re not technically dating yet, but things are definitely heading that way.

The problem: “Amy,” his ex. (Surprise, surprise.) He’s been honest with me and told her that he’s still friends with her; they still talk about once month, and they have mutual friends. That’s cool with me; they went out for over two years, I don’t expect her to just drop out of his life.

But she’s kinda unstable. After leaving him for another guy, she keeps calling him and asking him about his social life. Her new boyfriend has gone to where he works and told him to “lay off Amy” even though he’s not trying to get back with her. More recently, she found out (through talking to him) that he’s seeing me. She goes psycho, asking all these questions (where do I live, where do I go to school). He tells her she doesn’t need to know, and she starts making these threats that she’s going to seek me out and do whatever.

Both his friends and him have said she’s just insecure and isn’t going to do anything. They’re not supplying any of my information to her, and I was fully prepared to sit back and hope the situation would go away. But today I found out (by him) that Amy went over to his house and tried to get on him. He refused her advances, then had to spend an hour talking to her when she started crying. He’s a very peaceful, non-confrontational guy and I doubt he’s going to “lay down the law” with her.

My question: Should I be worried? He’s made it clear he’s interested in me, and has been completely honest in everything that’s been going on. I don’t know Amy, I don’t know if I’m actually in danger, and I’m not sure if I’m going to know if/when to set down an ultimatum (i.e. tell her it’s over and to stop harassing him).

Thanks, Sars…

How Much Is Too Much?

Dear Too Much,

It’s already too much. You haven’t even embarked on a formal relationship with the guy, and it’s already a Lifetime movie. It’s not even a good Lifetime movie. It’s the kind of Lifetime movie they run at three in the morning.

Amy dumped him for another guy, and he’s still friends with her. Think about that, because it says a lot — about him. Now she’s going all haywire and trying to throw a leg over him again and sending her current boyfriend to talk to him and blah blah blah, and how does he react? He comforts her. She threatens to “do whatever” to you, and what does he do? Nothing. Well, he reports it back to you and freaks you out, but does he put a stop to it? Does he tell her to get bent? No. Not a good sign.

Amy pulls that crap because she knows he’ll put up with it, and she’s right. Yeah, you like him, but “like” doesn’t make a situation like this worth it — not just because Amy’s a few bricks short of a garden path, but because your boy’s got no balls, and that’s the real problem here.

I’d turn my back on it right now before it gets any crazier, but if you must stick around, set terms. Tell him that Amy gives you the heebs, and you want him to grow a pair and throw her out of his life, period, full stop. If he starts mealymouthing that she’s “got problems” or “needs him” or wah wah wah — and he probably will — that’s your cue to roll your eyes, wish him luck, and let Amy have him. If he won’t stand up to her, he deserves whatever he gets, and “whatever he gets” should not include you.

Hi Sars,

I have a question for you that really requires an objective opinion, I think.

My sister and I have been close ever since we got into our upper teens. I’ve also been pretty close with her SO ever since they met. I think we’ve considered each other our best female friends for seven or eight years now. We’ve been able to confide in each other in areas that no one else would really understand, including our SOs, and have/had more inside jokes than anyone else could possibly follow along with.

She and her husband moved way far away, like airplane-is-required far away, a while back. It’s understandable; I had to move too when I found a job. People have to live their own lives.

But something happened a few months ago that changed the way I feel about her, and the only person I’ve told this to (my SO) does not agree with me whatsoever. See, we’ve both always hated the baby pressure that most young couples have to deal with. Neither of us has ever made big TMI announcements about when we plan on having a kid, what names we already have picked out, where we’d like to conceive them, blah. Most of the women in our family are TMI queens, so discretion has always been important to us, and all baby questions are answered briefly and noncommittally.

So, a few months back, she announced that she was three months pregnant, that it was painstakingly planned, and that they’d been arranging the exact date/time of the pregnancy for almost a year. And she announced it to our dysfunctional family before she told me.

I was floored. Like, I understand not divulging anything to THEM until absolutely necessary, I really do. But a year’s worth of planning, and not a peep in my direction? Not a casual “oh, we may think abnout kids once we move, who knows.” Nothing. I wouldn’t have pressured her. I would’ve kept the secret until she was ready to tell. But as far as I or anyone else in the world knew, she hated kids and never wanted to have any, ever.

But again, I realize that it’s not my life, it’s hers. She can do whatever she likes and it’s really none of my business. So I’ve taken this pregnancy bombshell as a signal that we’re not close anymore. I am no longer a best friend, I am no longer a confidante. I can’t help but feel this way. I find myself not caring whatsoever if she’s nauseous, or if it’s a boy or girl, and I sure as hell have no interest in spending a ton of money to fly out there after it’s born. Her phone calls and emails are interminably long and boring, consisting solely of baby info that does not interest me and in fact frequently grosses me out. But she’s acting like everything’s hunky dory, and of COURSE I just HAVE to fly out there! Everyone’s going to! And what should she NAME it? When am I coming when am I coming?

So first question: Am I an unfeeling monster for having no interest in this baby, and wanting to let her have her own little private life and just leave me out of it? I have nothing but good wishes for her and her little family, but I can deal with a polite and somewhat detached relationship with her; that’s pretty much what I have going on with everyone in my family except my mom.

Secondly, as a slight complication to the whole thing, my husband’s about to move to another state on business for about 18 months, and I’d really rather use my precious few vacation days (I only get five per year) and limited disposable income to fly and see him rather than a sibling. I mean, I’ll only be seeing him once every two or three months at best, so a trip to sister’s will eliminate a trip to see my spouse. D0 you agree with my assessment of this situation?

Thanks for anything you can tell me, and I’m mentally prepared for a Sars-style smackdown…

Apathetic in Arkansas

Dear Apathetic,

First: No, you aren’t an unfeeling monster. Your sister’s life has gone in a different direction from yours. Her priorities have changed. Sure, it hurt your feelings that she downgraded you as a confidante, but it doesn’t mean you don’t still care about her and what happens to her; it means that, somewhere along the line, the two of you outgrew each other. You can wish her well without taking a keen interest in the nuances of pregnancy and natal care, and the change in the status of your relationship doesn’t seem to bother her, so it shouldn’t bother you. It is what it is.

Second: From the sounds of it, your sister doesn’t want you there because she wants to see you; she wants you there so that she can bask in the cooing and fluttering over the baby and blah blah blah. Which is perfectly natural, but the average newborn is really quite dull. You look at it. You hold it gingerly. You tell its parents that it’s beautiful and looks like Grandma and so on. That’s all well and good, but if you don’t feel close to your sister anymore, it’s an awfully long trip for not much. Send a card and go see your husband instead. She’ll cope.

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