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The Vine

The Tomato Nation advice column addresses your questions on etiquette, grammar, romance, and pet misbehavior. Ask The Readers about books or fashion today!

Home » The Vine

The Vine: May 29, 2001

Submitted by on May 29, 2001 – 12:48 PMNo Comment

Dear fellow cat slave,

I have a problem, and I was hoping that between you and your illustrious felines, you might help me see my way through it. My problem is this: I’ve been with Bear for almost two years, and have lived with him for almost all of that. I’ve known his best friend Bowser for almost as long. Bowser and I have been friends for a while, but in the last three months (he recently returned from Purgatory — the ARMY!) there has been a lot of chemistry between us. Good chemistry.


Things had been steadily getting worse with Bear even before Bowser got back. I seem to have developed an unshakeable crush on Bowser. I’m pretty sure he feels the same way, but I don’t want to disrupt our friendship (which I treasure) by making him feel uncomfortable around me. For almost three months, I’ve been considering moving out of the apartment that Bear and I share, along with my best friend Blondie. Bowser will shortly be taking Blondie’s place, as she is becoming an Aggie again. This puts me in a bit of a bind, having Bear, whom I care deeply about, but am becoming more and more emotionally detached from every day (nothing I try seems to work, and I’ve tried everything I can think of), and Bowser, who I am becoming more and more attracted to every day. I don’t want to hurt Bear, but at the same time, I think staying might be a bad idea.

Well, now that I’ve bored you to death with personal history, do you have any comments? I guess I know the answer, to move out, break things off gently with Bear, and maybe try something with Bowser, depending on whether or not I can get my courage up. Still, someone else’s take on this who isn’t involved is always welcome, as is knowing someone agrees with me.

Best wishes to your masters,
Silly Kitty in Texas

Dear Silly Kitty,

I think that your crush on Bowser is a symptom of your problems with Bear. Regardless, you won’t wake up in six months with the problem solved; I’ve wished the same thing, but it won’t happen, and you have to confront yourself with the fact that you want Bowser in no small part because of who he isn’t.

Tell Bear that you aren’t in love with him anymore. Don’t tiptoe around saying it; don’t say “something just doesn’t feel right” or “I need some time to think” or any of that. Don’t give him false hope. Say it straight out. Pack your things and find a new place to live.

But when you do it, realize that it isn’t necessarily the first step to a happily-ever-after with Bowser. He’s going to move in with Bear, and he’s going to hear all about the break-up, and you’re going to have issues with the break-up yourself even if you don’t feel that way about Bear anymore…don’t pin too many hopes on Bowser’s snatching you up once you free yourself from Bear, is what I’m saying, because there’s chemistry, and then there’s actually blowing shit up.

Your life isn’t a movie. Take time to get your own head on straight.

Hello,

I’m writing you (a woman who I admire and deeply envy) this letter in hopes that you can help me solve what may seem like a trivial problem to some, but is quite a difficult one for me. I’ve asked so many friends and even my parents (yeah, still in high school, so sue me) but I’d much prefer a witty, well thought-out response from an outside party.

I’ve had a friend, who is also a next-door neighbor, since I was about four years old. All of the ordinary growing-up, guy-girl, cool-not stuff that happens on every teen drama has happened. For the most part. He’d tease me, pull my pigtails, get suckered into playing Barbies, sucker me into playing Ninja Turtles, et cetera. We had so much fun up until about the age of twelve.

Insert Jaws panic music. He became way too cool and way too popular to hang out with a tomboy smartie like myself. I was hurt and more often than not masked my pain with bitchery. And I was good at it. I convinced everyone, including him, that I hated him and that I was glad our friendship was dead and buried. Of course, in reality, I harbored a giant crush on him. He really is cute, after all.

Eighth grade came, and he found out I’d be attending a different high school. (I’m a Jersey girl and public school sucks the big one.) Numerous lesbian jokes were made at my soon-to-be-all-girls’-Catholic-ass. I brushed them off with “you betcha”s and “The uniforms will be really sexy”s. Just to piss him off. It worked. He felt like I was being a bitch without reason and called me on it. In public. Usually during art class. I of the snappy comebacks always scored a few hissed “diss!”es aimed at his unoriginal self. Then, being the weenie he was, he took to harassing me online, demanding to know why I wasn’t his friend anymore.

I had to ask, “Do you have a few years?” I brought up “flatty,” “Chewbacca,” and “loser.” He called it joking; I called it mean and unnecessary, especially when you call someone a friend. We resolved it. Or rather, I pretended we could be friends and haven’t spoken to him until this year (my sophomore year in high school).

Now his behavior is downright inappropriate. He asks me about my boyfriends, how far I’ve gone, will I come drink and smoke pot with him…I tell him there is absolutely nothing in the relationship for me. He disagrees. Thank you AOL for the blocking feature. But somewhere in the back of my mind I feel like I at least owe him a face-to-face conversation so we can get down to why he really wants to be my friend so badly.

Am I completely wasting my time? Am I choosing to put faith in past make-believe games and days where we spent the whole day just talking?

Sincerely,
The Bitch Formerly Known as K

Dear Bitch,

I don’t think it could hurt to sit down with him and find out what’s going on, but make it clear to yourself beforehand what you want/expect out of the conversation. He’s a teenage boy. He’s clearly threatened by you and has been for years. You have a crush on him, and from the way he’s acting, it sounds like he’s got a crush back, so it’s not exactly a recipe for enlightened discussion.

But maybe he wants to apologize. Maybe he wants to blunder through the underbrush for a while longer before coming out into the clearing of admitting that he’s sweet on you. Maybe he just wants to know why you think he’s a toadstool.

Hear him out and see what happens…but take a realistic view of what he can give you, as a friend or otherwise, or you’ll just wind up more pissed off and fed up with him than before.

Dear Sars,

Is there any way to tell the fuckos in my life to stop asking me overly personal questions? Before I got married, people were always asking me when I was going to get married. And these weren’t good friends of mine that got bold after two bottles of cheap red wine. These were random aquaintances. I usually made some joke like, “Oh, we’re waiting for my divorce,” “We want to get married in California and we’re waiting for the parole to end so he can cross state lines,” or “What’s the point? I’m not pregnant.” They usually laughed and said something stupid like “No. Really?” To which I usually had to get another drink or pathetically attempt again change the conversation.

That was four years ago. I’ve now been married nearly three years, and the same random fuckos think it’s perfectly okay to ask me when I’m having children. I try to answer with something witty like “Apparently, it’s illegal to sell them on the black market so I don’t really see the point,” or “Why have a child when I’m already married to one?” And again, they keep pressing. Unfortunately, the right answer is probably never, due to medical concerns that I sure as hell don’t feel comfortable talking to them about. Is there any way to gracefully tell them to fuck off?

Yours,
Sick of Personal Questions

Dear Sick,

Ann Landers, Abby, and Miss Manners all advocate the following: 1. Furrow brow solicitously. 2. Ask in a pleasant tone, “Why do you want to know?” 3. Watch the random fucko squirm. 4. If random fucko comes back with “just curious” or something of that ilk, again ask, “But why?” 5. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Usually, the random fuckos just want to make conversation, and they lack the ingenuity to come up with a topic that’s any of their business. That said, it’s possible to deflect these people with the deftness they themselves lack. I’ve gotten my share of these questions too — we all have — and usually a smile and a sweet “I’ll let you know” does the trick.

But just in case, here’s the rant du jour. It is not appropriate to ask other people why they don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend, or when they plan to get one; when they plan to marry the current boyfriend/girlfriend; when they plan to have kids with the husband/wife; how many kids they plan to have after the one they’ve got in the oven now; or any other relationship/childbearing question that you don’t already know the answer to. It’s none of your business; if it were your business, we’d have put you in the loop before now. Take the hint. You might intend it as well-meaning small talk, but lots of people find it intrusive, and when you ask these questions of women, we get the feeling that you get the feeling that that’s all we care about, or that that’s all we have to say about anything. So, the next time you feel the urge to ask a married, childless woman when she’s going to start squeezing out the male-heir pups for her man, repeat the following phrases to yourself: “That’s none of my business.” “Women have other interests besides marriage and babies.” “I don’t know the situation, and shouldn’t presume to.” Then grab a whole carrot, load it up with dip, and stuff it in your mouth — that should buy you enough time to think of a suitable subject for light conversation.

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