Dear Sars,

A tough financial situation — please, I need some clear
advice. Until I get some and figure this thing out, my
food is as ashes and the sun brings no joy to my eyes.

Three months ago, I started to pay back my
considerable college loans. For the past two months,
I’ve had problems scraping up the cash to do so; I
work at a job that is occasionally interesting and is
an excellent résumé-builder, but doesn’t pay very
well. A co-worker summed up the situation once, saying
that “you can’t afford to work here unless you’ve got
a husband.” Or in my case, a lovely set of parents who
don’t charge me rent. I don’t feel comfortable asking
them for the money to help with my loans, and my place
of employment, being a non-profit organization, can
barely afford to pay me what it does already. Asking
for a raise would be laughable — I know that they don’t
have the money anyway.

In addition, I’ve given a firm commitment until the
end of the season (I work in a theatre), and I’ve sent
my résumé out for some part-time jobs. I also work on
shows and performances from time to time. They know
about the part-time job search, and they’ve made
choice comments about burnout and first priorities.
Which I understand, and agree with, but for the burning
question of my deeply plummeting credit rating.

To round out the background, I know that I’ll be
leaving in a few months anyway, to pursue internships
and be REALLY badly paid. I know that I can get a
deferment on my loans while interning, under the
educational development clause. But I’ve been saving
up what I can right now to pad my finances for later
on. From this little fund, I could ease the
loan weight right now. I have just about zero
affection for that idea — for one, how am I going to
eat and pay rent when I move to wherever my internship
will be? I’ll eventually find a waitress job or
something in addition to the internship, but for the
first little while, I’ll need a cushion for those
pesky details.

I suppose my question — questions? — are three-fold.
Should I ask for a raise anyway? How do I communicate
to my incredibly scary and strict student loan agency
that I’m in financial difficulty? Just how much
loyalty do I owe my present employer? What the hell
should I do?

Please, any advice that you or any rational and
financially-minded readers might offer would ease my
mind considerably.

Thanks,
College Loans + Theatre = Bad

Dear Loans,

I have no idea what to tell you.I can’t decide for you what’s more important to you, the job or the internships or paying off the loans.I don’t know the figures, and I can’t come up with a plan for paying off your loan.It’s really for you to sit down with a spreadsheet or a pencil and paper and make the tough choices about the next few years.

Off the top of my head, though, I’d say that you have to focus on one aspect of the situation for awhile and let the other aspects fall into place later — and in your case, I think that means taking the highest-paying job you can find for a year and knocking off a chunk of the loan, just to get it over with.It’s not ideal, but the money has to get paid back, and a year goes by pretty fast, so you should consider clearing part of the debt and trusting that you’ll get back where you need to with your career and the internships later.

Either that or apply for the internships, make what you can of the debt now, and tighten your belt when the time comes, but the point here is that I can’t choose your priorities for you.Figure out the goals here, select the ones that you have to meet first, and get started.

Dear Sars,

I have found myself in a situation that I wouldn’t
mind getting your opinion on.Oh, where to start…okay, about three years ago I struck up a friendship with
the receptionist at my place of employment — let’s call
her “Monica.”She was not in a good place
emotionally: low self-esteem, depression, sleeping
with any man that moved (not me), et cetera.Long story
short, there was always a possibility for a romantic
relationship to develop, but it never did due to my
not wanting to take advantage of her and her not
“feeling like she deserved me.”Blah blah, bunch of
crap later, she gets a new boyfriend who doesn’t like
how close we are, we have a big fight and don’t talk
to each other for a couple of years.

Okay, so she had her birthday party recently, and she
shocked the hell outta me by inviting me.I show up,
say hi to her family, and meet her friend “Rachael.”
Monica then proceeds to ignore me for three hours, so
I start talking to Rachael.We hit it off — I mean, I
have never clicked with anyone like this before.
Well, time comes for me to leave, and I ask for
Rachael’s phone number, and she didn’t give it to me
because “Monica wouldn’t be okay with it.”

So now, I’m really pissed.I understand that women
have the whole “I won’t go after someone who my friend
is interested in” thing.But damn, Monica didn’t show
any interest in me, even going as far as making out
with some other guy at the party.And after
everything that happened between us, I’m really not
interested in a romantic relationship anyway.So how
can she even pretend to interfere in my romantic life?
Is this just another way for her to try and make me
pine away for her for the rest of my life?

To be
honest, I’m considering calling Rachael anyway (Monica
never should have let me hold her cell phone), and
seeing what happens.Anyways, I basically feel Monica
is wrongly keeping anything from happening between me
and Rachael for no good reason.Any insight you have
on the situation would be helpful.

Thanks,
Confused by women

Dear Confused,

How do you know Monica’s behind it?How do you know Rachael didn’t feed you that line because she doesn’t really want you to call her?You don’t.All you know for sure is that Rachael didn’t want to give you her phone number.

Whether it’s an excuse or not, the bottom line is that Rachael doesn’t feel comfortable with you calling for whatever reason.Leave the power play with Monica out of it, and respect Rachael’s wishes.If the two of you really did click, Rachael will hash it out with Monica and get in touch with you herself, and if she doesn’t get in touch with you, either 1) she’s the kind of girl who doesn’t think it’s appropriate to call a boy; 2) she’s too cowed by Monica to follow up; 3) Monica does have an interest in you still and Rachael doesn’t want to get in the middle; or 4) she didn’t feel a spark.And if it’s any of those things, I don’t think you want to deal with her in the first place.

Leave it alone.

Hi Sars:

To butt out, or not to butt out?That is the question.

I have formerly married friends that divorced less than a year ago.Their
break-up was huge, horrendous, and worthy of a two-year story arc on The Young & the
Restless.The break-up involved marital infidelity (her), desire for a
family (him), and a refusal to procreate (her).My male friend was even willing to forgive his wife’s dalliances with her
boss, if she would have agreed to stop sleeping around and start having
kids.She refused, and they divorced.

Now, I have kept in much better contact with the guy, but still have
professional contact with his ex.She is now obviously pregnant and not
willing to tell her ex-husband.We all live in the same city and work
within the same industry.

My friend will be devastated when he finds out she is pregnant, and he knows
that I just had contact with his ex.Do I tell him and get in the middle of
the fall-out, or do I keep my darn-fool mouth shut and run the risk of having
my male friend be mad at me for keeping the secret?

Rock, Me, Hard Place

Dear Rock,

Ouch.Tough call.My first instinct is to tell you to stay out of it — your friend isn’t going to take it well, I don’t imagine, and if the messenger has that good a chance of getting shot, it’s probably a job you want to leave to someone else.I also don’t know whether the ex just doesn’t seem inclined to tell your friend that she’s pregnant or if she explicitly ordered you to keep it a secret or what, and the vague definition of “not willing” complicates matters.

At the same time, it seems like the downside of not telling him is worse.It’s safe to say that he’s going to find out anyway, eventually, and if it comes out that you knew and didn’t say anything, that could have more serious consequences for your friendship than the bearing of bad news.

Telling him doesn’t mean you have to “get in the middle of the fall-out,” though.Find a compassionate way to make it clear that you don’t make the news, you just report it, and you’ll listen if he needs to talk, but beyond that you’d like him to leave you out of it.

Based on what you’ve told me, I could make an argument for either side, really, but given that it looks like you can’t win no matter what side you pick, I’d tell him and get it over with.

[11/13/02]

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