Comments on: The Vine: November 18, 2009

By: CCG

CCG — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 07:00:41 +0000

Best,
Sorry about your Mom. :..(
But, if she's a reader, puzzler, sewer, knitter, gamer, etc. all you have to do to be close & help may be to do some sit-down activities with her as 'hanging out' instead of 'caring for the ill' or 'mothering Mom'.
On good days, do each other's nails (your sis can join in there, too!). On bad days (and with chemo, there WILL be some of those, but hopefully not too many), bring a laptop or portable DVD player or a pair of books, and spend down time with a little distraction and maybe a little conversation. Plan meals for when she gets out of the hospital, including some that are tummy-soft versions of her favorites…
Spoil her, but don't baby her?
And when she needs some alone time? Allow that, as difficult as it is. Use the rest of your family as they use you: support, love, laughter, tears, control-freak-out sessions and venting, play time, prayer time… don't forget to take care of ALL of you, in all of this. And to let yourself be taken care of, too.
God bless your family. *HUG*

By: phineyj

phineyj — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 13:16:59 +0000

@Bria. Yes, it would cost the landlord money, but it wouldn't necessarily be that difficult or expensive – like you say, it would depend on the existing plumbing. I suggested it because I have a friend who's a buy-to-let landlady and she's quite often asked by her tenants if she'll make changes. Sometimes she says yes — it depends if there's a shortage of reliable tenants and if she thinks it'll improve her investment.

I was trying to think around the problem, as it's been my experience that changing plumbing can be easier than changing people! (also, the phone thing was a fairly major undertaking as none of the houses in the road had phones — unbelievable I know, but it wasn't that common to not be on the telephone in that area in the 1990s, and mobiles weren't in general use yet. The landlord took our point that we didn't want to have to walk to the nearest phone box if we needed to call the fire brigade…)

Anyway, I shall shut up now as I have clearly become slightly obsessed with plumbing after doing two bathroom installation projects in two years. Just felt very sorry for Peeved as I think this sort of behaviour in adults is hard to fix if they have no incentive to change.

By: Katharine

Katharine — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 06:59:03 +0000

I'm actually wondering if maybe P is using the tenant's bathroom because his wife bugs him about the mess he leaves when he uses their own bathroom… and maybe he figures Peeved won't want to tackle the landlord about his splash problem, and he'll be off the hook.

By: JR

JR — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 23:49:37 +0000

I love the idea of making sure you have all her recipes recorded. My Mom to this day regrets the loss of my great-grandmother's legendary apple pie recipe. She always cooked from memory, because she had made the pie the same way for so many years. By the time anybody realized that it was not recorded anywhere she had started to go senile, and her memory of the recipe slipped away. She tried to provide instructions, but it wasn't the same, and my Mom and Grandma have never been able to replicate the recipe exactly as she used to make it. So this advice is not only for people dealing with an imminent medical crisis.

By: Bria

Bria — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 21:39:06 +0000

Wait…what? Adding an ensuite toilet is no more expensive than a phone line? Unless there is plumbing running to Peeved's room, it will easily be a few thousand dollars to add an ensuite toilet. Not that it's necessarily a bad idea, but…come on. It's a pretty major undertaking for the landlord, even if the tenants pay for it themselves.

By: Kathryn

Kathryn — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:36:54 +0000

There's a part of Peeved story that I'm not sure has been addressed yet:

"Once, P also implicated D as the culprit when he saw me come out of the bathroom looking disgusted."

The guy apparently KNOWS that this is a problem (a disgusting one) and has decided to…pretend it's not happening? Put the blame on someone else, instead of just aiming better or cleaning up his own damn pee? Being clueless would be one thing, but something about this situation seems stranger than just being unaware of the fact that he's leaving splashes. Having a non-accusatory conversation with him is a good way to start, but I think Peeved needs to prepare herself to have a talk with the wife as well.

By: LaSalleUGirl

LaSalleUGirl — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:48:35 +0000

I love Cyntada's oral history idea (which is worth doing even when your loved ones aren't sick). If you want to give that a try, but aren't sure how to get started, StoryCorps has a list of prompts on a variety of subjects: http://tinyurl.com/y8j7jmx

By: Jo

Jo — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:14:18 +0000

When my Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer her doctor suggested a great idea for helping her to feels she was in control of the hair loss. She took part in Shave for a Cure, a charity that raises money for cancer research and care. The really cool part was that her school (she's a teacher) got right behind her and 4 other people shaved their heads that day in support. They raised a couple of thousand dollars and she was able to be proud of her hair loss.

By: phineyj

phineyj — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 10:23:37 +0000

I'd be inclined to talk to the wife, myself. I'm assuming that her command of English is better than her husband's, from what you've said. If you can work out with her what the problem actually is and what the best solution might be, she can then communicate that to her husband in the way she thinks will be most effective.

Also, as you'd evidently rather like your own toilet (and who wouldn't), how about an approach to the landlord to see if they'll put an ensuite in your room — it will make the room more rentable in future and you could offer to go halves. I have actually had this work with landlords in the past (for putting in a phone line, which is no more expensive than a toilet).

By: Andrea

Andrea — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 05:26:02 +0000

ITA about closing the lid when flushing. There have been studies that show not doing it throws all sorts of digusting germs all over the place even without splash back.

When I was staying with a friend's family they told me the elderley Grandfather (who was from another country so had all the same language barriers etc) was a random sprayer so we had to put the lid up after using the toilet. We did and yeah it worked… if you forgot though, oh it was repulsive! And this man had a wife for god knows how many years also.