Dear Sarah,

I know I probably know the answer to this question, but I figured I might as well explain the situation to you anyway, just for the hell of it.

I am close with my older sister, Wendy. I am also close with her best friend, Emma. Me and Emma used to be a lot closer, but lately it seems like we have drifted apart. We were in my sister’s wedding together a few months ago, and she knows more about me than anyone else in the world.

Problem 1: Wendy hates that I talk to Emma about certain personal things that I don’t talk to her about. She gets jealous, mad at me, mad at Emma for blabbing something I said to her, and everyone loses. We have been in this horrible triangle for two years, and I just don’t know how to be friends with both of them and tell one something without worrying that it will get back to the other.

Problem 2: I have feelings for Emma, and she knows this. My sister also knows this. I told Emma a few months ago, and she was shocked, but glad that I had been honest with her. For awhile things were great between us (as friends) but now the only time I see her is she comes with Wendy to my house, or we say hi
online, and that’s it. She has countlessly broken promises and without a doubt hasn’t been half the friend to me that I have been to her.

Why can’t I just let it go? I know my sister’s friendship is more important to me, but as long as they are still friends, Emma will be a part of my life, always a constant reminder. I know she loves me as a friend and appreciates everything that I have done for her, but that’s not enough for me. I don’t know how to stop caring about her!

Sincerely,
Rain Dancer

Dear Rain,

Well, I don’t know what to tell you, except that, unfortunately, we can’t make ourselves stop caring about people…but, eventually, you’ll get past it.

In the meantime, here’s what I’d suggest, and I think that concentrating on Problem 2 will take care of Problem 1 at the same time.You have feelings for Emma, but she isn’t a reliable friend, so it’s time to start phasing her out.You don’t have to get all dramatic about it; just don’t hang out with her if she’s not with your sister.Make other plans with other friends.Make yourself unavailable.Don’t invest as much time and emotion in Emma.In time, the situation will ease.

[11/29/00]

Share!