Dear Sars,

I’m fairly young, and a few months ago, I scored what I thought was the
perfect job.A lot of responsibility, really interesting, and something I
thought I’d be able to do very well. Getting a job like this at my age was a
hell of a feather in my cap, and I was thrilled when I started, even if it
meant a very steep learning curve.

Well, I was right in a lot of aspects.It was a huge learning curve, and,
surprisingly, I have proved to be pretty good in all aspects.My staff
trusts me (despite the age gap — they’re all twenty years older than me!);
I’ve helped them through a fairly difficult time, and I’ve a lot more skills
than I had when I started.

Sounds perfect, right?Unfortunately, there is always a snake in Eden.The
snake in this case is my boss.

Sars, she’s horrible. (Spoken with a true three-year-old whine.)
Seriously, the lady isn’t good to work for.The turnover for my position is
one incumbent a year, and the position was vacant for eighteen months before
they hired me — because, as I later found out, her reputation prevented more
experienced people from applying for the position.She’s been on report for
her behavior to staff — and her “conversion” lasted a grand total of two
weeks.Then things went back to “normal,” and the staff member who had
reported her to management conveniently resigned shortly after.

I’m expected to work late, and work weekends — all unpaid.I accepted this
for the first few months, because hey, it was all new to me, and I didn’t want my workplace to pay for my inexperience.However,
I’m still doing it, and this isn’t me “learning” — I’m just trying to get
through all the stuff on my desk!

She recently put another major project on my back — one that wasn’t
necessary for us, but she wanted to impress management with how quickly she
could get it up and running.I told her that I was already working a lot of
unpaid overtime, and that this was a very hectic period — and very stupidly
joked, “Do you want me to take No-Doz to get it done?”She looked me dead
in the eye and said, “I wouldn’t normally encourage staff to do so, but if
you find it helps…”

I have a lot of mentors still from my last place of employment, and they all
say the same thing — get out, I’m in a no-win situation, and sooner or later
it’s going to cost me. And I know that they’re right.But if I leave, then
I’m leaving my staff (whom I feel a very definite responsibility for — they
are a great team) back in the same mess they were in before I started.And
that concept really stresses me.

Given that management already knows what’s going on, but won’t do anything
about it, what can I do to alleviate that burden on my staff?(That’s only
the first part of the question!)

Yesterday I found out that there is a job going at my old place of
employment — contract, lower level, but mine for the asking, and I could
certainly survive on the pay.Should I take it?I was very happy there,
and my return could help out a lot of people (long story).But how would it
look on my résumé to have only been in this job a few months?Previous to
this job, all I ever got were contract jobs.Will prospective employers
think me a fly-by-night and not bother?(That’s the second part.)

Please help, Sars.I need advice from a person who doesn’t know me to
objectify the situation — and the options.Because I’m too emotional about
the whole thing to do it for myself, and the people I know are too emotional
about me to see the sides of the equation that I do — they just want me out
of there before I fall apart, which is very sweet, but not a point of view I
can live with in the long term.

Thank you,
Emotional Employee

Dear Emotional,

Your boss runs you, your staff, and management because she can.Presumably, you have a job description.Look it up with H.R.Memorize it.Go over it with your boss and with senior management.Once you’ve done that, learn to say “no,” and start saying it.This isn’t about getting to go home at exactly five o’clock.This is about setting limits and protecting yourself and your staff; if you don’t start marking off boundaries and enforcing them, your boss will just keep giving you more and more work, because she’s counting on your age and inexperience to keep you in line.But there’s a difference between willingness to work and willingness to put up with bullshit.

Start highlighting that difference for yourself, and for your boss, but if management and/or H.R. won’t back you up, leave.Go on record with why, and get out.The staff can shift for themselves; if she’s that awful a boss, they have only themselves to blame for staying, and I know it’s a tough economy, but that’s their problem, not yours.It’s not ideal to leave a position after only a few months, but even that’s more of a red flag later in your career.At your age, it’s better to leave of your own accord than to stick around, get an ulcer, and wind up fired for your trouble.

I served a similar tour of aggro in my early twenties — a challenging and impressive job, a toxic executive structure that cost me hundreds in Tums — and sometimes there’s just nothing to do but go.It sounds to me like your boss is an ongoing problem for the department, and if that’s the case, it’s no use trying to change the situation.Either line up support from her superiors or pull up stakes before the position starts harming you career-wise.

Dear Sars,

I would like to learn to be a writer.I’m just not sure how or where to go
about learning.I’ve been through college once, and I really don’t want to
commit to another degree program. College English classes aren’t really an
option.I’ve looked at the classes offered at the local adult education
center.They seem to offer classes on how to get your works published, or
master seminars with semi-famous writers.I don’t feel that either type of
class really fits my needs.I really want to learn the basics of writing in
an environment where someone besides myself or well-meaning family review my
work.I’m wondering if you have any ideas where I
can find a nurturing environment to learn the basics of writing?

Thanks!
Becky

Dear Becky,

I wouldn’t write off the class environment so quickly.It’s my belief that the best way to learn to write is to read as much as you can, all the time, from a very early age, and past a certain point, I don’t know how much good writing seminars do — either you’ve got the tools or you don’t.But a workshop is a great way to focus your attention more closely on the physical work of writing.You have deadlines, and you have class time in which you need to get your head into that space (sorry for that Actor’s Studio locution, but you know what I mean).

If that’s really not your thing, put together a more informal writing group with friends.Block off time once a week or once every two weeks.Set goals for the year.Put out the bread and cheese and share your work.Several of my friends have had success with a writing-group set-up, but if you do go that route, make sure everyone’s on the same page as far as taking it seriously.

Also, read.Read everything; read anything.No, more than that.No — more.Your mind’s ear learns the basics of writing by seeing how it’s done, so read as much as you can.

But you don’t need a nurturing environment, really — you need to sit down and get the work done.Start with a workshop just to get into a groove and then see where you find yourself with it.

I’m 25 and have been dating the same guy (henceforth, The Boyfriend) for six
years now. We met in college, did the friend thing for a year, hooked up,
and have been together ever since. I love him dearly; he is my best friend.
He is wonderful, loving, honest, faithful, funny — everything I could ever
want in a man. Well, almost everything.While we were pretty hot and heavy
in college, now, not so much. I know I should expect some waxing and waning
in such a long-term relationship, but lately it has gotten to be sort of an
issue with me. He hardly ever initiates sex. We’ve gone several weeks
without so much as an open-mouth kiss, because I get so tired of always
being the aggressor. He says that he still finds me extremely attractive,
but that sometimes he’s just tired or stressed or some other thing.

There’s
more. He is the only man I’ve ever slept with, and even when we were
younger, and it was exciting, I never climaxed during sex (he goes down, so
it’s not like he isn’t trying). But lately, between his minuscule libido and
my inability to get off, I have just stopped trying. We’re down to once or
twice a month, and it’s starting to get to me. In addition, or maybe as a
result, I don’t find him sexually attractive anymore. He’s pleasant to look
at and everything, but when it comes to effecting lust, he just doesn’t do
it for me anymore. This quasi-platonic thing has been going on for about a
year now.

Enter The Fling. (You knew it was coming.) So there’s this hot guy at work.
We’ve been kind of friends, just sort of work buds, but there was always a
bit of electricity between us. We find ourselves in social settings
occasionally. We flirted a little, but nothing overt. Mostly it was just
talking over lunch, or a quick chat in my cube or whatever — nothing serious.
About six months ago, we were out after work with a group, and both of us got
pretty smashed. We were the last two there out of our group, and we ended up
making out. Monday morning, both of us expressed our regrets and confirmed
the mutual desire for the incident not to make things weird. But I guess
because of the aforementioned problem with The Boyfriend, the incident
opened a whole can of worms for me.

The Fling and I have incredible chemistry, and I can only imagine what it
would be like if we were to be more intimate (and believe me, I’ve imagined).
Even though we’re both in committed relationships, we still flirt at work
and enjoy each other’s company. We’ve talked about the undeniable attraction
between us, but agreed that neither one of us wanted to jeopardize our
relationships with our significant others. But the flirting, double
entendres, looks, et cetera continued for about a month until neither of us could
stand it anymore. We were both working late and ended up making out in his
office, this time completely sober. (Damn. No excuse for that.) But again,
both of us value our relationships, et cetera. Thus began a cycle of hooking up,
followed by regret and the mutual decision to be good and almost getting
back to normal, only to have it happen again, each time getting more and
more intimate, to the point where last time we only stopped just short of
sex. I know if I really wanted to, I could be good, and I want to. The only
thing that’s stopping me is that, while I want to be faithful and honest and
respectful to my Boyfriend, there is that “something missing” from our
relationship.

As I see it, I have three choices:

1) I stop with The Fling completely and live happily ever after with The
Boyfriend, hoping the sex thing is a temporary bump in the road, but risking
never knowing the joys of really good sex.
2) I sleep with The Fling and find out a) he is as average in bed as The
Boyfriend, putting my mind at ease that I’m not missing anything, or b) he
is amazing in bed, in which case I can move on with The Boyfriend knowing at
least that I have experienced great sex at least once in my life.
3) I can break up with The Boyfriend because I don’t want to settle, but
lose out on a wonderful relationship and friendship.

I know I must look like some kind of nympho with all the emphasis I put on
sex. However, the truth is that when it’s good, it’s not a big deal, but
when it’s bad, it festers and becomes a bigger issue than it should be. I
also realize I’m talking about sleeping with The Fling nonchalantly, as if I
were deciding whether or not I needed to bring a jacket, but I take it
extremely seriously and have been agonizing about it for months now. I’ve
never been unfaithful before, and part of me figures I’ve already gone this
far; I might as well take the last step. And, just for the record, it’s not
completely physical with The Fling. I have feelings for him, but I don’t
want to let myself go there, primarily because The Fling could never compete
on a relationship level with The Boyfriend, who is, as I have said before,
wonderful in every other way.

Can I live the rest of my life with a man I’m not really attracted to
because he is a great friend and supporter and everything? Or is below-
average sex a deal-breaker and I need to look elsewhere for a mate? From
what I hear, your sex life is pretty much shot after you have kids anyway, so
why worry so much about a little thing. I’ve tried talking about the sex
thing with The Boyfriend, but as you can imagine, it’s a hard topic to be
brutally honest about without damaging his ego and making the problem worse.
I don’t know if it’s just me or if I’m being too picky, or if this is really
something to be worried about.

I also worry about marrying the only guy I’ve ever been really serious
about. I have a sneaking suspicion that I should “play the field” or
something. I know if I were to break up with The Boyfriend, there would be no
going back; it would crush him. Which is why I’m trying to deal with some of
these issues without involving him. I don’t want him to know I’m having
doubts until I know what I’m going to do about it. I also know that I’m
trying to have it both ways. I want to date other people, but I also want to
end up with The Boyfriend. Problem is that one pretty much precludes the
other, unless I cheat a little. Which is so wrong and horrible and callous,
I know. But how do I assuage my more than passing curiosity without hurting
him?

What do you think?

Wants To Have Her Cake And Eat It, Too

Dear Cake,

You have to break up with The Boyfriend.It’s going to suck.He’ll cry.So will you.Too bad.Do it.

You have to start masturbating and figure out what’s going on with your body.You have to learn what you like and what you don’t like.You have to find a way to relax.You have to believe you deserve a string of screamers three times a week, because you do.We all do.Give yourself a goddamn hand already.It’s going to feel weird at first.Too bad.Do it.

You have to spend some time alone.You have to get your head on straight and figure out what you want from your life and from a partner.It’s going to be lonely and boring for a while.You’ll miss The Boyfriend.Too bad.Do it.

You have to grow a goddamn backbone.You have to find a way to get what you need from people without disregarding or hurting their feelings.It’s hard.Sometimes you won’t get the things you ask for.Too bad.Do it.

Growing up sucks.Too bad.Do it.

[10/17/02]

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