Baseball

“I wrote 63 songs this year. They’re all about Jeter.” Just kidding. The game we love, the players we hate, and more.

Culture and Criticism

From Norman Mailer to Wendy Pepper — everything on film, TV, books, music, and snacks (shut up, raisins), plus the Girls’ Bike Club.

Donors Choose and Contests

Helping public schools, winning prizes, sending a crazy lady in a tomato costume out in public.

Stories, True and Otherwise

Monologues, travelogues, fiction, and fart humor. And hens. Don’t forget the hens.

The Vine

The Tomato Nation advice column addresses your questions on etiquette, grammar, romance, and pet misbehavior. Ask The Readers about books or fashion today!

Home » Culture and Criticism

NCheeseAA Round Of 32: Write-Ups

Submitted by on April 15, 2008 – 8:21 AM13 Comments

cashel.jpg

(Ready to vote? Click here. Not sure which cheeses came from what draw? Click here. Baffled generally? Click here.)

Humboldt Fog vs. Brie. Brie cruised to a fairly decisive victory in the last round, more so than the Fog, and it looks likely to carry the day in the 32 round as well — it’s the better known of the two, and the more versatile. But as with so many of the match-ups, which cheese wins depends on how voters think about the selection.

 

Do you pick the cheese you eat the most frequently, or the one you like the best? Do you base your choice on “objective” merit, or on which cheese you’d want if you could only have one from now on? There’s no “wrong” way to decide, of course…and I think Brie wins again, regardless of voting perspective.

Gorgonzola vs. Parmigiano-Reggiano. Gorgo doesn’t stand a great chance here; Parmo is a multi-talented cheese that has its finger in hundreds of recipes. Gorgonzola is less essential by volume, but leaves a bigger hole when it’s missing, in my opinion. Then again, my opinion picked provolone to stomp ’em all, big and small, and my salty sandwich-saving friend is already out of the running, so: Parm-Reg for the win again.

British Cheddar vs. Stilton. Paging King Solomon! King Solomon, you’re needed at the cheese shop. Oh, and bring a sword. Seriously? I can’t do this. I love both these cheeses to death. The desert island test doesn’t even work on this one, because I’d be all grass-is-greener no matter which one I’d chosen. And then I’d resent Stilton, lying over there on his beach chair, getting all sweaty, for not being Cheddar. Or I’d see Cheddar catching fish and think, “Stilton would have it fried up by now while providing a nice sauce.” This match-up is going to make the Havarti vs. Provolone face-off look like recess; it’s almost too close to call. I’ll go with Brit Cheddar, in the hopes of seeing a future Revolutionary War between it and Vermont.

Roquefort vs. St. Nectaire. We’ve got a mother-lovin’ stank-off right here. Roquefort is craggy, bluish-green, and needs to be refrigerated to prevent it from oozing stink all over the counter. St. Nectaire is smooshy, buttery, and whiffs really ripe even when it’s not. The fact that two members of Club French Stench beat out what are definitely blander cheeses means that the public is willing to take a chance on either of these two. Meanwhile, outside well-appointed cheese shops, Roquefort is better known — hell, it’s the name of the mouse in Disney’s The Aristocats — so I predict that will work in its favor.

Port Wine vs. Boursin. What we have here is the battle of a Vander Weide Christmas Eve dinner. Comprised totally of “tidbits” and appetizers, you can’t have escargot and sweet-and-sour chicken drumettes without a round of Boursin and the tub of sherbet-swirled port wine spread. They both bring a unique and fab flavor to their A games. Port wine spread is all sharp and tangy and makes the under-agers think they’re sophisticated and getting away with a taste of alcohol, but Boursin is crumbly, herb-y, and almost buttery. Yeah, this is a toughie, but I think more people out there have had the swirled experience that is the port wine spread, so it will squeak by with a win.

Baby Bel/Bon Bel vs. cream cheese. I can’t say whether the Bel/Philly poll will turn into a street fight, but it’s a hair-puller in my head for sure. On one hand, I love love love the Bels, both Baby and Bon; I have very fond childhood memories of my dad teaching me and my bro to make wax dactyls and throw them at the walls. And the ceilings. And the pets. And our mom and each other and passing cars. Good times. Also, the current Baby Bel ad features a lady using my favorite expression for a high five, “up top.” On the other hand, cream cheese does not fuck around. It’s in cheesecake. It’s in those little whores doovers with the bean dip and the tortilla. And with herbs in it, on a sesame bagel with a fresh tomato, it’s God’s gift to Sunday morning. Much as it pains me to say, it’s the Bels left bleeding in the alley.

Polly-O String Cheese vs. Gouda. Gouda more or less had a bye in the last round; soy cheese isn’t much competition for any cheese, and Gouda’s a heavyweight that I don’t anticipate will have much trouble trouncing Polly-O. I love the stuff, but it’s a gimmick cheese that’s no match for a top seed.

Vermont Cheddar vs. Monterey Jack. I’d say that this scrimmage was about the lovely, mass-produced American cheese of my youth, but Vermont Cheddar has come a long way, baby. The blocks branded with “sharp” actually are, and Cabot has taken a page from the Brits by bandage-wrapping one of their offerings. I almost feel sorry for poor old Monty Jack here, because cheddar is king of cheese and Vermont-produced is no exception. All hail VT Cheddar for the win.

Gruyère vs. Swiss/Emmenthaler. It’s rather odd to have the primary ingredients of fondue pitted against each other; we didn’t expect Swiss-E to survive its showdown with Muenster — which it nearly didn’t, upsetting the Muenst with only 51 percent of the vote. Gruyère, meanwhile, sailed into the Round Of 32 by a big margin, and while it’ll have more work cut out for it against a strongly branded sandwich cheese (co-star of, to name one, the Reuben, a championship flavor combination to which the Swiss-y bite is key), Gruyère has a smoother finish, and is more snackable solo. Gruyère gets my vote, but from here, it looks like a toss-up.

Havarti vs. Mozzarella. For me, there is no contest here; it’s havarti for the win. Then again, I have a storied aversion to mozzarella. I’ve tried and I’ve tried and I’ve tried to like it. I’ve paired it with The Best tomatoes and The Best olive oil and The Best basil and The Best vinegar, but: ugh. It’s still mushy and bland and…wet. I’m suspicious of a cheese that spends its storage sitting around in a shallow pool of cloudy water.

Ricotta vs. Asiago. Well, it’s ingredient cheese vs. sandwich cheese, here. I’ve had farm-fresh ricotta and I’ve had it in various preparations — sweet and savory — and, for me, it still runs a distant second to chèvre. But then, I’ve never been the biggest Asiago fan, either. (I’ve been known to call it “Assy-ago” in mixed company.) However, what Asiago does for me is provide just enough saltiness on a pizza without making the pie too cheese-heavy, and for that I am 211 times grateful. Since it’s made it this far, I call the game for Asiago.

Mascarpone vs. Pecorino Romano. This match-up is the fruit of two upsets — not a huge one, in the case of Pecorino Romano, but it’s a bit surprising that mascarpone is still in it, and I don’t expect that to continue much longer. It’s ranked last in its draw for a reason, and while I like tiramisu well enough, it’s my impression that mascarpone is primarily a dessert cheese — which, because I don’t really have a sweet tooth to speak of, takes it most of the way off my radar. Googling the ‘Pone turns up a few appetizer recipes, but it seems like a stretch; Pec Rom is more adaptable and more savory, which is what I like. I suspect voters will agree: Pecorino Romano by a comfortable, if not gigantic, margin.

Fourme d’Ambert vs. Raclette. Have you ever had raclette on a burger? Yeah, I know! What about Fourme d’Ambert or any other strong blue cheese — have you done that? Yep. What I’d like to do is pile both on a medium-rare patty, sit back, and wait for St. Peter to open those gates. Those who have had raclette in that hard-to-find way, the one where you heat it and scrape it in front of a roaring Swiss Alps fire, well, they’re the lucky ones. And they know it. As much as I adore my Fourme d’Ambert, I think raclette is the victor here.

Garrotxa vs. Fiore Sardo. Interesting pairing. In our write-ups for their previous matches, we predicted the winners correctly — and gave similar reasoning for each, namely that each was more approachable than its opponent. But neither one won by much, and now that they face each other, it’s once again a tough call. I feel the Garrotxa is more rewarding, with a broader range of flavors, but I don’t know that it’s as recipe-friendly as the FS. Still, I predict that it’s arrivederci for Fiore Sardo this time.

Pleasant Ridge Reserve vs. Mt. Tam. Two amazing, artisanal, American cheeses; one slot. Because I’m so torn, this is where I’d have to employ Bunting’s desert island test. Pleasant Ridge is caramelized and sharp with amazing depths of flavor, but Mt. Tam is triple cream. PR is toothsome and grateable, but Mt. Tam is triple cream. PR will last a long time without molding or oxidizing, but Mt. Tam is triple cream. Pleasant Ridge probably should win this one, but Mt. Tam is triple cream.

Burrata vs. Cashel Blue. Well, shit. Cashel Blue barely held off fromage blanc, while Burrata didn’t get nearly the fight from Idiazabal that I’d expected in the last round, and it’s my sense that blues tend to come into these match-ups at a disadvantage. The Cash could surprise me — with such a dissimilar opponent, it may have a chance if blue partisans give it a push — but Burrata’s distinctive presentation and rich flavors will make it just as tough to beat here as it was in the 64 round. In other words, while I urge you to vote Cashel, I understand why you wouldn’t…and I’m pretty sure you won’t.

Share!
Pin Share


Tags:  

13 Comments »

  • DensityDuck says:

    Good to see that Polly-O is getting turfed. That stuff won because everyone got all nostalgaic about their childhood, and forgot how absolutely awful Polly-O is. It’s a shame that it beat out an actual useful cheese food (Kraft Singles) but at least it’s losing like the losing loser that it is.

  • Melissa says:

    Jesus, what have I been DOING with my life??? There are so many entries I don’t recognize, that I think I’ll have to quit my job and start sampling cheese….apparently I’m way behind.

  • Robin says:

    I *have* to step in here and defend my beloved Mascarpone–it’s not just a dessert cheese! Back in the day, I had a boyfriend who considered himself quite the gourmet. When he moved to Italy for grad school, I visited him, and he made me the most exquisite tagliatelli carbonara from scratch. The secret ingredient? Mascarpone. From that point on, I used mascarpone instead of cream in about every pasta sauce I could. Need a creamy alfredo? Mascarpone. Vodka sauce too thin? Mascarpone. Want to jazz up a soup? Mascarpone.

    As far as savoury toppings go, mascarpone is wonderful dolloped atop a pizza, in place of cream cheese on latkes, or with smoked salmon. I once had a salmon/potato pancake/mascarpone first course whilst stranded in London. It haunts my dreams.

    BEWARE, fools and ‘Top Chef’ contestants who pronounce it “MARScapone”!

  • Snarkmeister says:

    God, Mt Tam is the most amazing artery-clogging stuff, isn’t it? I’m a huge fan of the Cowgirl cheeses in general (Pierce Pt being my hands-down fave), and as far as I’m concerned, Mt Tam could take the whole cheese-off.

  • krissa says:

    @Melissa – me too. I thought I at least knew the names of more cheeses…I feel so inadequate! And lacking in cheesy goodness!

  • Katharine says:

    I wish you’d go to your local Fancy Cheese Shop and rethink Gouda as you did Vermont Cheddar. Gouda is far more than bland supermarket cheese! MY favourite Fancy Deli sells at least six or eight varieties, including an aged one that could kick many an old Cheddar’s ass, and the deliciously seedy caraway variant apparently beloved by native Dutch and Frieslanders (and me).

  • Keckler says:

    @ Katharine: we carry one at Cowgirl that has fenugreek in it. It’s quite tasty. I agree there are tons of kinds of boerkaas Goudas out there, but for this embryonic NCheeseAA, concentrating on the deli variety was a good way to judge the cheese tastes out there for future endeavors.

  • Ali says:

    This bracket and contest has spawned in my head the following fantasy:

    Keckler and Sars are somewhere in a comfortable little coffee/chocolate/bagel shop. This shop also mysteriously carries cheese plates. Sars and Keckler are discussing cheese. They never get tired of it, and I keep discreetly paying for another round of the refreshments of their choice because I am listening to the cheese talk.

    Magically, the place we are sitting also has all the cheeses they talk about, which I then order, and sample while listening to the cheese talk.

  • daki says:

    Havarti! Havarti! Havarti! Come on, people, help a mamma out – I’ve got Havarti for the win here, and not just for sentimental ‘girl-scraping-by-on-her-own block-of-Havarti & box-of-Triscuits splurge’ reasons. Also because, come on, Mozz? As if. Yet it leads with 66% right now – that’s just caraway-hating cheesism, there.

    I’ll vote for your Gouda and even your Mascarpone if I have to, just please, throw a seed Havarti’s way, eh?

  • Mimi says:

    @Robin – I recently indulged in some mascarpone spread on ginger thins. MMMM.

    That said, I voted for the PR, as it’s far more likely to be hanging around my fridge. But there’s nothing wrong with mascarpone.

  • Tim says:

    Sars — and anyone else out Brooklyn way — should order one of the fresh mozzarella salads at Queen on Court St (one of the top Italian restaurants in the city IMO). I’m partial to the Caprese, cliche as that is. But seriously, one bite of that unbelievably creamy, salty, meaty and delicious orb will make you a believer. For reals.

    That being said, I’m pulling for Gouda, but mainly because I dream about it’s buttery goodness when young and it’s splintery tanginess in old age.

  • Tori says:

    Now, I loooove Harvarti. It is a magical, magical cheese. But my favorite ‘cost me four pounds in London which was cheaper than a damn Big Mac Meal AND it gives me two’ sandwich is wet mozzarella, tomato, and avocado on a roll. True, I’ll probably dress it up some more when I grow up to be a big girl, but it is divine. And probably very bad for you. Heh.

  • Robin says:

    @Mimi – Ooooh, that sounds fantastic. Good point, though–poor mascarpone has nothing on PR. It’s like pitting the NY Yankees against, like, the Albuquerque Isotopes.

    (BTW, I totally meant sour cream on latkes…)

Leave a comment!

Please familiarize yourself with the Tomato Nation commenting policy before posting.
It is in the FAQ. Thanks, friend.

You can use these tags:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>