If you have reached the age of 25, I have a bit of bad news for you, to wit: it is time, if you have not already done so, for you to emerge from your cocoon of post-adolescent dithering and self-absorption and join the rest of us in the world. Past the quarter-century mark, you see, certain actions, attitudes, and behaviors will simply no longer do, and while it might seem unpleasant to feign a maturity and solicitousness towards others that you may not genuinely feel, it is not only appreciated by others but necessary for your continued survival. Continuing to insist past that point that good manners, thoughtfulness, and grooming oppress you in some way is inappropriate and irritating.
Grow up.
And when I instruct you to grow up, I do not mean that you must read up on mortgage rates, put aside candy necklaces, or desist from substituting the word "poo" for crucial syllables of movie titles. Silliness is not only still permitted but actively encouraged. You must, however, stop viewing carelessness, tardiness, helplessness, or any other quality better suited to a child as either charming or somehow beyond your control. A certain grace period for the development of basic consideration and self-sufficiency is assumed, but once you have turned 25, the grace period is over, and starring in a film in your head in which you walk the earth alone is no longer considered a valid lifestyle choice, but rather grounds for exclusion from social occasions.
And now, for those of you who might have misplaced them, marching orders for everyone born before 1980.
1. Remember to write thank-you notes. If you do not know when a thank-you note is appropriate, consult an etiquette book — the older and more hidebound the book, the better. When in doubt, write one anyway; better to err on the side of formality. An email is not sufficient thanks for a physical gift. Purchase stationery and stamps, set aside five minutes, and express your gratitude in writing. Failure to do so implies that you don't care. This implication is a memorable one. Enough said.
2. Do not invite yourself to stay with friends when you travel anymore. Presumably you have a job, and the means to procure yourself a hotel. If so, do so. If not, stay home. Mentioning that you plan a visit to another city may lead to an invitation to stay with a friend or family member, which you may of course accept; assuming that "it's cool if you crash" is not. Wait for the invitation; if it is not forthcoming, this is what we call "a hint," and you should take it and make other arrangements.
3. Do not expect friends to help you move anymore. You may ask for help; you may not expect it, particularly if your move date is on a weekday. Your friends have jobs to go to, and you have accumulated a lot of heavy books by this point in your life. Hire a mover. If you cannot afford a mover, sell your books or put them in storage — or don't move, but one way or another, you will have to cope.
4. Develop a physical awareness of your surroundings. As children, we live in our own heads, bonking into things, gnawing on twigs, emitting random squawks because we don't know how to talk yet. Then, we enter nursery school. You, having graduated college or reached a similar age to that of the college graduate, need to learn to sense others and get out of their way. Walk single file. Don't blather loudly in public spaces. Give up your seat to those with disabilities or who are struggling with small children. Take your headphones off while interacting with clerks and passersby. Do not walk along and then stop suddenly. It is not just you on the street; account for that fact.
5. Be on time. The occasional public-transit snafu is forgivable, but consistent lateness is rude, annoying, and self-centered. If we didn't care when you showed up, we'd have said "any old time"; if we said seven, get there at seven or within fifteen minutes. Do not ditz that you "lost track of time" as though time somehow slipped its leash and ran into traffic. It shows a basic lack of respect for others; flakiness is not cute anymore, primarily because it never was. Buy a watch, wind it up, and wear it everywhere you go.
6. Have enough money. I do not mean "give up your scholarly dreams and join the world of corporate finance in order to keep up with the Joneses." I mean that you should not become that girl or boy who is always a few dollars short, can only cover exactly his or her meal but no tip, or "forgot" to go to the ATM. Go to the ATM first, don't order things you can't afford, and…
7. Know how to calculate the tip. Ten percent of the total; double it; done. You did not have to major in math to know how this works. You are not dumb, but your Barbie-math-is-hard flailing is agonizing and has outstayed its welcome. Ten percent times two. Learn it.
8. Do not share the crazy dream you had last night with anyone but your mental wellness professional. Nobody cares. People who starred in the dream may care, but confine your synopsis to ten words or fewer.
9. Learn to walk in heels. Gentlemen, you are at your leisure. Ladies: If you wear heels, know how to operate them. Clomping along and placing your foot down flat with each step gives the appearance of a ten-year-old playing dress-up, but a pair of heels is like a bicycle — you need momentum to stay up. Come down on the heel and carry forward through the toe, using your regular stride. If you feel wobbly, keep practicing, or get a pair that's better suited to your style of walking. It isn't a once-a-year prom thing anymore for a lot of you, so please learn to walk in them.
10. Have at least one good dress-up outfit. A dress code, or suggested attire on an invitation, is not an instrument of The Man. Own one nice dress, or one reasonable suit, or one sharp pair of pants and chic sweater — something you can clean up nice in for a wedding or a semi-formal dinner. You don't have to like it, but if the invitation requests it, put it on. Every night can't be poker night. Which reminds me…
11. Do as invitations ask you. Don't bring a guest when no such courtesy is extended. Don't blow off an RSVP; it means "please respond," and you should. "Regrets only" means you only answer if you can't come. If the party starts at eight, show up at eight — not at seven-thirty so you can go a "better" party later, not at eleven when dinner is cold. Eight. Cocktail parties allow for leeway, of course, but pay attention and read instructions; your host furnished the details for a reason.
12. Know how. Know how to drive. Know how to read a map. Know how to get around. Know how to change a tire, or whom to call if you can't manage it, or how to get to a phone if you don't have a cell phone. We will happily bail you out, until it becomes apparent that it's what you always need. The possibility of a fingernail breaking or a hairstyle becoming compromised is not grounds for purposeful helplessness.
13. Don't use your friends. It's soulless. It's also obvious. If the only reason you continue to associate with a person is to borrow his or her car, might I remind you that you have now turned 25 and may rent your own.
14. Have something to talk about besides college or your job. College is over. The war stories have their amusements, but not over and over and not at every gathering. Get a library card, go to the movies, participate in the world. Working is not living. Be interested so that you can be interesting.
15. Give and receive favors graciously. If you have agreed to do a favor, you may not 1) remind the favoree ceaselessly about how great a pain it is for you, or 2) half-ass it because the favoree "owes you." It is a favor; it is not required, and if you cannot do it, say so. If you can do it, pretend that nobody is watching, do it as best you can, and let that be the end of it. Conversely, if you ask for a favor and the askee cannot do it, do not get snappish. You can manage.
16. Drinking until you throw up is no longer properly a point of pride. It happens to the best of us, but be properly ashamed the next day; work on your tolerance, or eat something first, but amateur hour ended several years ago.
17. Have a real trash receptacle, real Kleenex, and, if you smoke, a real ashtray. No loose bags on the floor; no using a roll of toilet paper; no plates or empty soda cans. You are not a fierce warrior nomad of the Fratty Bubelatty tribe. Buy a wastebasket and grown-up paper products.
18. Universal quiet hours do in fact apply to you. They are, generally, as follows — midnight to six AM on weekdays, 2 AM to 8 AM on weekends. Mine is a fairly generous interpretation, by the by, so bass practice should conclude, not start, at ten PM. Understand also that just because nobody has complained directly to you does not mean that a complaint is not justified, or pending. Further, get your speakers off the floor. Yes, "now." Yes, a rug is still "the floor."
19. Take care of yourself. If you are sick, visit a doctor. If you are sad, visit a shrink or talk to a friend. If you are unhappy in love, break up. If you are fed up with how you look, buy a new shirt or stop eating cheese. If you have a problem, try to fix it. Many problems are knotty and need a lot of talking through, or time to resolve, but after a few months of all complaining and no fixing, those around you will begin to wonder if you don't enjoy the problems for the attention they bring you. Venting is fine; inertia coupled with pouting is not. Bored? Read a magazine. Mad at someone? Say so — to them. Change is hard; that's too bad. Effort counts. Make one. Your mommy's shift is over.
20. Rudeness is not a signifier of your importance. Rudeness is a signifier of itself, nothing more. We all have bad days; yours is not weightier than anyone else's, comparatively, and does not excuse displays of poor breeding. Be civil or be elsewhere.
January 17, 2005
Never, ever, ever has a comment thread on the internet made me want to punch a hippie more than this thread. Yeesh.
Thank you. This will go on the fridge for my 30 something friends who still manage to behave pre-25.
I find this refreshing and hilarious. It sounds like the perfect Happy Birthday you're an adult deal with it speech. Yuck I want to be eighteen again!
I would add to this list:
Put your phone away when having a converstaion with a real person. No you do not have to 'just answer this text' unless you are a doctor or other professional on call, you need to pay attention to the people you are with.
I'm over 25 and I have given up on wearing heels to please whoever except myself. And I have grown up.
Thank you, this is excellent, funny, and true. I got linked here from TWoP, and just spent the last chunk of time cruising through the comments.
The debate is stimulating, but people, the point of these guidelines is to encourage us to think of others and take responsibility for ourselves. It's not a prescription for wearing heels or fancy outfits.
I'm most amazed that people are balking over 15% vs. 20% tips. What are we talking about usually? $2-$5? Goodness. The 20% calculation is partly there to make it EASIER to do the math, so as to avoid the extremely annoying dithering from people who can't seem to figure it out, or begin debating about 50c. here or there. Smooth the way, folks. Do your best to make life easier for yourself and those around you.
If it was common sense, we wouldn't need posts like this. As it is, this is extremely valuable, and as someone twice this age, it was still a good reminder.
For the love of Pete, please read the actual text.
"IF you wear heels." IF. IF YOU WEAR THEM. Nowhere do I say that you must wear them, only that if you do, you need to know how to walk in them so that your teetering "progress" isn't blocking 289 people on the sidewalk behind you.
You wear them, you don't, I truly don't give a shit, but read what I actually wrote before you get defensive.
Totally spot on, except for one bit: "Know How". I kind of know how to drive a car, but I don't have a drivers' license and don't intend to acquire one any time soon. So, basically, I don't drive.
I live in a city with decent public transit and I am quite adept at using it. I also have good reasons for not wanting to drive: a) I moved to another city for a while when I was 17, just before I was to finish drivers' ed, and have not yet got around to actually completing the program, b) I'm trying to deal with a drinking problem (and yeah, I'm getting help) and don't really trust myself not to drive "when I've only had a few", and c) the concept of being in control of a large object that can kill people when I have the attention span of a goldfish absolutely terrifies me.
So I think I'm actually being responsible here. I don't know how to change tires or even pump gas because it's never come up. But I can get anywhere I need to go if I have access to a bus schedule, a map, and shanks' mare.
Basically, I don't think it's a big deal to be an adult and not know how to drive, providing you're versed in transit options and not constantly pleading for a ride.
Oh, and, "Is it really going to kill you to leave $4 instead of $3.72? Cheap people drive me crazy."
I think the word you're looking for is "broke". Yeah, that would piss me off if we were talking about a $40 bill, but if it's 28 cents we're dealing with, what's the big deal? I've done the 15% exactly calculation before, and it's because I'd like to give the staff their fair due without leaving myself broke. I go into places, look at prices, and then figure out tax and tip before ordering only what I can afford.
28 cents may not seem like very much, but it can buy a pack of ramen noodles.
@mels: I don't think the point of "know how" (which is my personal favorite on the list) is that everyone Should Know How to Drive but that your choice to not learn how to drive should not be a burden on other people. You're bussing it and that's awesome. You Know How to Get There On Your Own, that's the point.
(People who do drive don't necessarily need to know how to change a tire, either–but they should know how to resolve a flat tire situation if it happens without collapsing helplessly in the ditch. An insurance policy with roadside assistance, for example.)
Oh, and, #21. Have insurance!
Might I propose an addendum, in response to Kelly's hippie-punching urge above?
"If you're going to act like a thoughtless, inconsiderate, self-regarding turd, do not claim sophisticated politics or arcane philosophy as your motivation for antisocial, immature behavior. Name–and claim–your own dickery. We all SUSPECT that you are a douche merely because you want to be, anyway."
Actually, that should have read "in agreement with", not "in response to".
Curses.
@Jaybird Here here!! Couldn't have said it better, or more hilariously, myself. This is a great list of 25 and over to-dos and something our generation seems to need badly.
Love it. Obviously you can add on to an "adult-list" for days, but I would have liked to see a bedding/laundry provision. Flipping over your comforter to the side with the least stains, is a practice that needs retiring. No one any longer high-fives you for the f*ck-markings left on your bed, and that applies even if the love mark bares resemblance to Mother Theresa. Chuuuuuch.
Drinking until you throw up is no longer properly a point of pride. It happens to the best of us, but be properly ashamed the next day; work on your tolerance, or eat something first, but amateur hour ended several years hence.
i think you mean prior…you're giving us several years of binge drinking by using "hence"
Thought I'd edited that; it's changed now.
In _response_ to Kelly and Jaybird, quoted below, your own antisocial sentiment is still antisocial and certainly not grown-up… even if it is directed at the immature. You'd be more adult by offering a makeover than becoming a hypocrite.
Kelly:
Never, ever, ever has a comment thread on the internet made me want to punch a hippie more than this thread. Yeesh.
Jaybird:
"If you're going to act like a thoughtless, inconsiderate, self-regarding turd, do not claim sophisticated politics or arcane philosophy as your motivation for antisocial, immature behavior. Name–and claim–your own dickery. We all SUSPECT that you are a douche merely because you want to be, anyway."
M'kay, Jack. Would YOU like a makeover?
Nice post – very well stated. I read through all the comments (whew!) and I could not get over the people who thought that you were trying to impose arbitrary rules. The author isn't coming up with random rules just to please the etiquette gods here, people – she's writing something to give you very specific examples of "unadult" things that people do that show a lack of respect for others. She makes it pretty plain that she doesn't care if you wear heels or not, but that if you wear them at least learn how to walk in them (Midtown NYC is horrible because of people who don't know how to walk, I completely agree – that may be a blog post in and of itself). She's not urging you to tip because waiters need more money (though they do – waiting tables sucks) but because, if you're out with a group, someone is going to be the responsible one and leave a decent tip, thus taking up your slack. It's not that she doesn't think your friends should help you move or that they should only have fancy parties, it's that you shouldn't just expect them to help and that you should respect the parties that they throw (and not drink so much that you vomit and spoil everyone else's evening). This is what "etiquette" and "politeness" is really about.
Of course, that's just my opinion. You, as the Internet, are free to disregard it as you please.