I’ve been dating someone for two months. He’s great. EXCEPT he is probably one of the most laconic and shy people I’ve ever known. Not to mention being pretty passive. He’ll take things to a certain (always safe) level and it’s been up to me to take it further. For instance: he first asked me to lunch, but I’ve been the one to initiate ALL the physical stuff.

I know he has a lot to deal with – abandonment by his mother, emotional abandonment and neglect from his father – and I can see how this affects his behavior. He’s told me a lot about them. I really like being with him, but I’m worrying – a lot – as to whether he really wants to be with me or if his passivity is just keeping him with me. I know I should just ASK if he wants to be with me or not, but I really like him and am terrified of what he might say. Also, I’m worried I’m jumping the gun and want everything tied up neatly (I have a tendency to do that). Help.

Wearing the pants

I don’t think you have to address the problem quite so abruptly. If it bothers you that you have to initiate physical intimacy all the time, talk to him about that first. Don’t talk about his passivity generally; just focus on that one specific issue. Tell him you’ve started to feel uncomfortable having to get things going all the time, and ask if he would mind kicking things off once in a while. See how that works out. Give him time to adjust. If he’s still reluctant in that area, you’ll have to talk to him again and tell him that his passivity is becoming a problem in a bunch of ways.

From the sound of it, the guy needs therapy to work out some of his issues. If talking to him doesn’t work, don’t take it too personally…and suggest that he talk to a professional about his apparent fearfulness.

[7/31/00]

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