Sars,

I have a problem that I’ve created, and I don’t know who else I can talk to
that won’t be all judgmental on me.My friends would absolutely freak if
they knew.

I’m straight, or at least I’m 90 percent sure that I am.A few months ago, I
discovered IRC.I became very addicted to it almost immediately.I’ve done
things there that I would never do in real life, and it’s been a lot of fun,
which is what it has always been for me.

One night, I happened to go into an all-girls channel — a very explicit
all-girls channel — and was amazed at what I saw.I’ve always had a very,
very secret sexual attraction to other women, and because of the anonymity
of IRC, I was able to, shall we say, explore those attractions without
anybody learning of my secret.

My problem is not necessarily the addiction, but it’s that I think one of
the girls I’ve chatted with has fallen in love with me.Or, at least, the
IRC persona that I’ve taken on.She’s talked about wanting to go to Hawaii
to get married, and things we might do while there, et cetera.She
hasn’t talked about exchanging phone numbers and pictures and that sort of
thing yet, but I think it’s a matter of time before she does.

It’s to the point where, if I go on using my regular nick, I’ll check to see
if she’s online first.If she is, I change my nick a little so that my
other friends know it’s me, but not so that she knows.

I just don’t know what to do.I don’t want to give up IRC, because it lets
me do things that I can’t do in real life.I could simply disappear, change
my nick, let my friends on IRC know, and be done with it.Or I could tell
this girl the truth, that I’m not looking for a relationship with her, but I
think that conversation will go very badly and that she’ll be very hurt by
me.So, it’s either hurt her by telling her the truth, or it’s hurt her by
just disappearing.

I would love any advice you might have.

Thanks,
Becky

Dear Becky,

Tell her you don’t want a relationship with her.It’s the fair thing to do, and it’s going to save you a lot of aggro down the line.

She’s probably not going to take it well, and you’ll have to handle that, but after everything is said and done, think about this sentence from your letter: “I don’t want to give up IRC, because it lets
me do things that I can’t do in real life.”Think hard about what that means.Think hard about whether you want to have what amounts to two lives and two personae.Think hard about why you’ve kept this girl and this aspect of yourself separate from your “real” life and friends.

It’s going to lead you to some uncomfortable places, that thinking.Do it anyway.

Hi Sars,

I’ve got two cats who seem, in temperament, eerily similar to
the way you’ve described Little Joe and Hobey.Prior to living with me, they
were both strays; one I got from the pound, and the other came off the street.
Once I got them, I made sure they were both “inside cats,” and they seemed to
adapt to that pretty well, as I lived in a big house with plenty of room for
them to run around.

Now, however, I’m about to go to graduate school in a real,
honest-to-God city, and I’ll be living in an apartment that’s about one third the size
of my old house.I’m kind of worried that with fewer people around and less
room to play, the cats are going to get bored and neurotic.Since your cats
seem to deal with apartment living okay, can you give me some advice on what you
do to prevent feline boredom and/or neurosis?

Thanks a lot,

KAC

Dear K,

If I had the first clue how to prevent feline boredom and/or neurosis, I wouldn’t have written umpteen columns about the craziness of my cats, but let’s assume for the sake of argument that I can help you here.

When you first move, it’s going to get ugly.The cats will feel annoyed and insecure about a place that’s new, never mind the size, and they will spend several days clawing and meowing, or running around all overcaffeinated, or hiding.Keep them in one room for the first day or two so that they can adjust slowly to the new environment.Then let them out and pray.

After you’ve all gotten unpacked and settled in a little bit, make an effort to play with them for a while each day so that they get enough attention and exercise.Cats can adjust to and manage in small spaces just fine, but if they can’t do as much roaming, they’ll need another way to keep fit.Set aside a half hour or so every day as playtime and work them out.

When you have to go out, leave toys and a scratching post for them, and a little bit of kibble.Make sure the toys are of a size that they won’t be batted under a couch and out of play in the first five minutes.Also make sure that plants and breakables are out of getting-knocked-over’s way.

But above all, don’t worry too much about them.They’ll spend most of the time sleeping anyway.

Hey Sars,

I know you have addressed this question before, but I have a new twist. The office princess who dresses provocatively can be found at any business, but I work at an adolescent treatment center. To say that the boys’ eyes pop out every time said princess enters the room would be an understatement.But until now I have kept my mouth shut. This week, the diva came in with a skin-tight T-shirt (not so unusual) which had a Playboy Bunny Logo emblazoned across the front. Personally, I am appalled; in a social situation, where I had nothing to lose, I might say something snotty.

But here’s the rub: since we are working in social services, and some of the patients have been sexually abused, I think this takes on a whole new meaning. I think it says, “Hey, girls, you really ARE nothing but a man’s plaything.”We all know that perpetrators of sex crimes use pornography to fuel their sick fantasies, and I think this message is damaging to the patients. Also, we had parents on the unit that day.Distracting is one thing, but I feel this might seriously impede our patients’ recovery.

Should I squawk to management? I am new here, so don’t know the politics. She is well established in her position (pun intended) and I know I’ll be the loser here.

Thank you,
Worried about my patients in PA

Dear Worried,

I agree with you that a Playboy T-shirt is inappropriate for your particular workplace, but you aren’t her boss, and unless a patient or a patient’s parent complained specifically to you, I think you’d better leave it alone.

Wait until you’ve worked there longer.Get the lay of the land; see if there’s a way you can mention it non-confrontationally to management without causing a brouhaha.For now, it’s between Princess and management.Leave it there.

[10/1/02]

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