Dear Sars,

My problem is this.When I was in high school, I dated a guy for about five
months.It was a very intense relationship, so you can imagine my surprise
when he broke up with me, out of the blue, two days after prom.We were not
friends for over two years.It was very difficult for both us and our
friends, because we belong to the same group.Last summer, just prior to my
meeting my current boyfriend, we made our peace.We did not stay in close
touch because he is away at university, but we could now be civil to one
another when we were put in the same room.

Flash forward to about a month ago.My ex looked me up on ICQ, and we
started talking again.And even though I’m with my boyfriend, we started
talking about our relationship back in high school.It was revealed that he
regretted breaking up with me, and I had a feeling that maybe he had some
feelings for me again.Later that week, he and all my friends came home for
reading week, and while we were hanging out at the bar that night, I could
tell that things were different between us.My boyfriend was not there.
When I drove everyone home that night, my ex was the last to be dropped off,
and we ended up talking for two hours.Nothing happened, but I think we were
both just afraid.A couple nights later, we all went out again and the same
thing happened again, except this time, we kissed.

Now, you must
understand, I love my boyfriend; he means the world to me.But, and there’s
always a but, I have a weak spot for my ex.Things between us were never
resolved properly, and after we broke up, I always hung onto the dim notion
that we might, someday, get back together.

The next morning, as soon as I saw my boyfriend, I knew I had made a
mistake.I have reached the conclusion that I suffered a temporary bout of
absolute insanity.My ex and I talked about what happened between us, and we
both agree that nothing else is going to happen.

I have also discussed this
with my three closest friends, and this is where my problem lies.Two of them
think that I should not say anything to my boyfriend now that the situation
has been dealt with; the other says that I have to be honest with him.I
don’t know what to do.On the one hand, now that things have been cleared
with said ex, and we’ve resumed our platonic friendship without any
wierdness, I don’t see how confessing my actions would result in anything
but pain and heartache for my boyfriend.On the other hand, I’m still
feeling horribly guilty for being unfaithful.

Is it worth risking my relationship to ease my guilty conscience?Or does
my boyfriend have the right to know?

Sincerely,
Boys cause too many problems

Dear Problems,

I suppose you could get away without telling your boyfriend; you screwed up, but not so royally that he would necessarily benefit from knowing the truth.On the other hand, if you don’t tell him, you compound the screw-up by covering it up, and if he ever finds out about it, he’ll get even angrier knowing that you lied.And he’s likely to find out, because it’s not just you and your ex who know about it now.It’s you, your ex, and your three friends.

I don’t know what your boyfriend considers a deal-breaker from an infidelity standpoint, and in situations like this one, we each have to weigh for ourselves whether we’d tell because it’s the right thing to do to acknowledge a mistake, or whether it’s to make ourselves feel better.In this case, strictly from a “human nature being what it is” standpoint, I’d tell him before someone else lets it slip by accident.

So there’s this girl (isn’t there always?). And I
love her, and we’re dating. And there’s a problem (of
course).

I’ve known her for going on six years, but only as a
passing acquaintance. She’s always seemed kind of
“hard,” if you will — not that there’s anything wrong
with that, I’m generally considered “hard” also — and so
my dating her has become sort of an alienating thing
for my friends, because, frankly, she’s a complete and
utter bitch to them. Even I, in my love-blind
condition, can see that. But, as she says (and as I
repeat constantly to my ever-more-distant friends),
she’s “really very nice, once you get to know” her.

She also constantly creates drama. She initially
agrees to plans; then, when I say something
insignificant (example: “Mm-hmm.” instead of “Yes.”),
she immediately reneges on any and all plans we have
made. She says, “I don’t want to be a chore!” and that
she doesn’t want me to think of her “as the pity
case,” or “a burden,” and takes anything less than my
Complete! Utter! Thrilled-to-death! Agreement! as an
unspoken “I hate you, you pitiful old load. Go away.”
And I have to grovel, and she gets this ill-masked
“the power is MINE!” on her face while I beg her to
come to the party, to the play, to the movies, to
dinner.

She’s also intensely jealous. I was driving her home
from a play last night, and there was a good
ex-girlfriend at said play whom I had not seen in five
years, because she had moved back east, and we did
the usual hug thing. And of course Present Significant
Other waits until we’re most of the way to her house,
then starts flipping out, saying that she and the ex
are “on a level” in my mind and heart. I argued that,
no, actually, considering that the farthest the ex and
I had ever gone, emotionally, was saying, “We’re more
than friends.” The discussion culminated in her
screaming repeatedly that I let her out of the car
(which I refused to do; we live in a seaside suburb of
San Diego built mostly on hillsides, and she would
have had to walk two miles along twisty, narrow, dark,
and shiftily-paved roads that people routinely drive
drunk on, in order to even get near her house). She
took my refusal as an indicator of my “emotional
neediness” and, as I pulled up to the curb alongside
her house, she shrieked, “You just want SOMEONE, not
ME!” and slammed away.

The reason I haven’t been like “It’s over!” or “Can
we just be friends?” is twofold. I like her a lot; I
even love her, despite everything. And she’s
repeatedly laid down ultimatums along the lines of “We
can either be boyfriend and girlfriend, or never speak
to one another again! I HAVE to be more than friends
with you!” and thus effectively invalidating the
“never speaking again” choice. And she’s really been
going through some hard times right now, too — her
father had a heart attack at the apartment that he was
leasing for his mistress, and that’s about as bad as
it gets without death being involved. Her mother is
less than supportive, and her two younger siblings are
really wrapped up in their own busy lives.

I’ve had to
talk her down three times from what she said was a
“suicidal state.” She admits that she creates drama to
get attention. But when she’s in truly high dudgeon,
she avows that she’s “serious — this time.”

She also
pulls the Cassandra, designed to incite maximum guilt
on my part in the event of a separation: “You’ll hurt
me, I know you will. I know it. It always happens.”
And she sees a neighbor’s college-age son regularly
(well, regularly when he’s home), even though she
complains that he “makes [her] do things that [she
doesn’t] want to do,” but she goes out with him
anyway, because “[she’s] bored.” When I offer to
alleviate the boredom, she starts
crying/hyperventilating/similar, saying, “I KNEW I was
a pity case! I’m a chore!” et cetera, ad infinitum.

So what can I do? I want her as a really close
friend — a best friend — but I think that it’s not mutual
enough to keep up the boyfriend/girlfriend thing. And
I don’t want her to attempt suicide or transfer
schools or tell everyone everything that I’ve ever
told her in confidence (which she threatens during
fights, a threat which makes me realize that I’ve got
nothing on her). Please advise.

Thanks in advance,

Lost in La Jolla

Dear Lost,

Oh, man.Let me see if I have this straight.She’s a jealous, manipulative, bossy, passive-aggressive harpy who blackmails you emotionally and has systematically alienated you from your friends, she’s probably fucking her neighbor (yeah, you heard me), she admits that she acts out in order to pussy-whip you, and you want her in your life…why?

You need to dump her, now, today, and you need to accept that she’ll never do right by any relationship with you, friend or otherwise, now, today.You’ve given her far too much power over you, and she’s right about one thing — you don’t want her.Nobody could; she’s impossible.You just want someone, and you’ll put up with an amazing amount of psycho bullshit to have that someone.It’s a fine line between “compassionate” and “doormat,” and that line is miles behind you.

Take a long, hard look at the way she treats you.Admit that she doesn’t care about anyone but herself.Know that her freak-outs are her responsibility.Decide not to care if she talks shit about you, because that reflects poorly on her, not you.And when you’ve done all of those things?Get.Rid.Of.Her.

It’s not going to get any better.She’s not going to settle down or behave normally.If you don’t get out now, the corrosive acid of her personality is going to scar you permanently.Grow a pair, dump her, change your phone number, and don’t look back.

Sars —

Maybe two weeks ago, I had sex with my best friend. The reasons why and all that would be a Vine in themselves — suffice it to say, it was not a sudden decision on either of our parts, and we’ve been sort of friends with benefits for about a year. He’s the only guy I’ve been to the ballpark with, so to speak, let alone gotten to any bases.

So, this was my first time, but not his. (I do believe this probably fell within his first ten times, though, and I have a feeling that could have had something to do with my problem.) Quite plainly, it sucked. I had expected a certain amount of unpleasantness, and I’d expected it would hurt. I did NOT expect that it would rival having my wisdom teeth extracted without the benefit of painkillers afterwards because my oral surgeon was a sadist. My friend, however, was a real stand-up guy about the whole thing (no pun intended). He was patient and caring, and reminded me several times that we could stop whenever I wanted and was very reassuring afterwards. He’s not the problem, at all.

The thing is, now I’m more scared than I ever was before about having sex. I wasn’t scared that night, and I honestly believed I was ready to go through with it. I’m 22, so while I’m not the most experienced person around, I didn’t think I was emotionally immature, either. And mentally and emotionally, I feel all right about it. I don’t regret that we did it; I’m just scared to do it again. There’s no pressure on me to try again, and at the moment, I’m too busy trying to finish out my senior year without having a meltdown to really even have an opportunity at the moment. Part of me, however, is saying, “Well, okay, you knew the first time probably wouldn’t be good, and you have it on good authority that sex apparently gets better, so, give it another shot and see how that goes before you run for the hills.” The rest of me, however, is saying, “No way, no how is anyone going to be allowed to do THAT ever again!”

I’m sure this is a rather typical response. I told a couple of my friends that I’d slept with my friend, and they both assured me it would get better, but I was too embarrassed to explain that I was scared to find out if it would. Why I’m not too embarrassed to ask a total stranger is beyond me, but I really just want to know if I should obey the seemingly more sensible part of me, talk to my friend, say, “Hey, can we have a redo? Or take two?” (I think he’d agree…he didn’t have a lot of fun that night, either.) I’m afraid it might be even harder if I wait on it, and, well, there’s not exactly a multitude of prospects coming my way (I’ve never been in a relationship, and I’m not exactly a guy magnet, on any level, apparently). I don’t exactly think it’s going to help matters any if I get sucked into some weird psychosis about this, but that’s certainly what seems to be happening.

Any thoughts?

Nervous Non-Virgin

Dear Non,

Get drunk — not sloppy drunk, just nice and singing-along-to-Peggy-Lee drunk — and do it again, as soon as you can.

Now, before the readers all open up Outlook and begin composing indignant emails, let me explain my reasoning here.When a young woman loses her virginity, the physical pain proceeds from two things.First, you’ve got the hymen.Well, maybe you don’t have the hymen if you played sports or whatever, but you’ve heard that you do, and you might not know whether yours is intact or not, and either way, you anticipate pain and blood and general unpleasantness…which leads to the second thing: nerves.You tense up, and it makes things more difficult for about a dozen mental and physiological reasons.

If you’ve already done it once, the hymen factor is usually removed, but if it hurt a lot and/or it didn’t go well, the tension factor increases for the next time.That’s completely normal, but the key is to find a way to relax, physically and mentally — you have to get out of your own way.One of the faster shortcuts to doing that is to have a bit of wine and fool around and see where things lead.

Yes, you could also talk to the boy about your apprehension, but frankly, I think that the more you talk about it, to anyone, the bigger a deal it gets and the harder it will become for you to relax the next time.So, reassure yourself that this reaction is normal, knock back a double Jack Daniel’s, throw a Cocteau Twins disc on the stereo, and get back on the horse, the sooner the better.

[9/3/02]

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