The Vine: February 28, 2007
Hey! I’m a sixteen-year-old girl from Dublin, Ireland and last month me and my friend made friends with some fellas at a gig. We texted and talked to all of them quite often and after a while I was talking to one of them on MSN nearly every day for over an hour. We didn’t really see them that often because they lived about 45 minutes away from us but I began to like this one lad quite a lot because he was really funny and smart and we had a lot in common.
I never told him that I liked him because he had a girlfriend, but about a week ago he told me that he liked me. We talked about it, and after a while I told him that it would be better if we just tried to forget it all because he was with someone and we hardly ever saw each other. I also thought it would be better for him because he was getting pretty confused over what to do about it all, but I didn’t tell him this.
But my problem now is that I don’t want to forget about it all. I still really like him and I think we could have a really good time together if we tried to just meet up with each other as often as we could. And he told my friend that he likes me more then he likes his current girlfriend. So I don’t know whether to tell him or just to let sleeping dogs lie.
Please help!
Confused teenager in a bit of a Dawson’s Creek of a situation, except without the cheesiness
Dear Creek,
Do nothing. If he likes you more than he likes his current girlfriend, he should man up, break things off with her, and pursue a relationship with you. He hasn’t done that, so either he’s afraid to, which isn’t a good sign going forward, or he’s not that into you, which ditto, or he’s one of those guys who wants to have his cake and cheat on it too, which ditto, or he’s indecisive or lazy. Which ditto.
Your first instinct — “it would be better for him because he was getting pretty confused over what to do about it all” — is the right one, and is also better for you. Could you get together with him if the two of you were hanging out more? Yeah, maybe. But he’s declined to act on his feelings; take it as a sign, and find someone who’s neither committed to someone else nor too wimpy/conflicted to meet you halfway. I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but he’s not right for you right now.
Dear Sars,
I know you get a lot of requests for relationship advice, but I figured this one was different enough to ask you about. I’m a 22-year-old Transsexual woman, and I’m straight. As in, exclusively attracted to men. Now, I have yet to undergo transition, so most of the time, I look like a 22-year-old gay male. Well, not so much the gay part. 22 years of secrecy and the fear of being ostracized taught me how to, rather convincingly, portray a straight male. Not a problem, though, as even the unprivileged few who aren’t privy to my imminent transition are informed of my sexual preferences. So even if someone doesn’t know I’m trans, they know I’m not attracted to women.
It’s not that I don’t look convincing as a woman, it’s that I’m a perfectionist, so I want to be absolutely CERTAIN that I’m as presentable as I can be before I cross over that thin line from M to F. So I’m waiting for my ever-so-hesitant doctor to prescribe the hormones, and get me set up with hair removal sessions, ’cause five-o’clock shadow is a dead giveaway, and with my pale complexion and dark hair, there are some things you can’t cover up with lipstick and powder. Fortunately, I’m also patient, and at least mostly successful at keeping my extreme discomfort from living in a gender role incongruous with my inner being from showing to others.
Right, enough self-pitying. On to the problem! I have this friend, we’ll call her J for the sake of anonymity. Over the few years that I’ve known her, she’s developed a bit of an attraction to me. Okay, a crush. Okay, an obsession. She constantly tries to “entice” me with an endless series of clumsy mating dances, in which she thrusts herself in my general direction, apparently with the hopes that I’ll somehow become hopelessly enamoured with her and whisk her away to a fantasy world of romance and unbridled passion. I wish I were exaggerating. She knows I’m not attracted to women, and she knows I’m trans. Once I dropped THAT bombshell, she replied with, “Oh, that’s okay, I’m bi.” As if that would solve everything. She follows me around everywhere, behaving in a manner suggesting that we’re dating and madly in love, and has actually, on more than one occasion, blocked me from potentially seeking my own romantic partner who doesn’t care that I’m Trans, and is actually outfitted with my preferred brand of chromosomes (or at least has the right psychological equipment, I have no problem dating a Transguy).
So here I am, with this girl (who’s quite a few years younger than me, I should mention) clinging to me, sometimes literally, blatantly ignoring my subtle (and not so subtle) hints that I’m not interested, never was interested, and never WILL be interested in her. The worst part is, I still like her as a friend, but she won’t take no for an answer, so I’ve resorted to hiding from her. When she’s not being all “OMGTRULuV4EVR!” on me, she’s actually a lot of fun, and one of the few people who seems to actually be sympathetic to my condition, but the constant inappropriate contact and advances are too much.
So I guess my question is, should I get over my mile-long nice streak and tell her to knock it the hell off before I file a restraining order, or should I run off to Ohio for a few years, come back after the sex change (and extensive facial plastic surgery to make me unrecognizable), and pretend we’ve never met?
Signed,
Did You Catch The Linda Ronstadt Reference In Paragraph Two
Dear No,
The former. She’s harassing you; this is not how “friends” behave, and this has nothing to do with whether you’re trans. It’s inappropriate. Hints haven’t worked. It’s time to level with her, and to give the obnoxious behavior some consequences.
You don’t have to be mean about it; in my view, she’s got some of her own issues going on if she’s pursuing you this arduously — not that you’re not an awesome catch, but she’s trying to attach herself emotionally to someone who’s unavailable, and on some level it’s not even about you for her. So, you can speak to her compassionately, but you must speak directly. “J, I don’t feel that way about you. I never have; I never will. I need you to stop making advances in that direction, of any kind, because they make me uncomfortable and I feel like you don’t respect my wishes. I don’t want to lose your friendship, but if you do not stop, I will cut off contact with you.” Phrase it in an unambiguous way, and make it clear that it isn’t a negotiation; she keeps pawing you and box-blocking you, you’re out. Mean it. If she keeps it up, remind her that you’ve discussed this, and leave the situation; three strikes, she’s out.
She keeps doing this because she thinks she can, because you’ve never said that it’s not okay and backed it up with action. Enough. This is not a productive or healthy use of either of your time emotionally; put an end to it.
Hi Sars,
I have an English question for you, I know how you love them!
The term “actioning” has been a bone of contention in my office as late. (Example: “Who will be actioning this request?”)
We use a lot of what I like to call “Corporate Wank Speak” but I’m reluctant to let this one slide.
Is this a valid word? My manager argues that it’s in the same boat as “doing” but I’m not convinced.
Thanks,
V
Dear V,
I’m not even going to look that shit up — it’s not a word. If it’s “in the same boat as ‘doing,'” just say “doing,” then, or “acting on.” We already have a perfectly good phrase that 1) means the exact same thing and 2) isn’t toolish. Use that.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships grammar
