The Vine: March 6, 2003
Sars,
I just got a cat
about eight weeks ago. She was a poor cat that had been abandoned when her
owner had died, and whoever came to take the woman away didn’t realize the
woman had this cat. She was skin and bones when my friend found her. My
friend nursed her back to health for a few weeks, and then I took her. She
was, of course, very needy when I got her.
The problem I’m having is that I’m not bonding with the cat at all and have
not really enjoyed having her at all. She seems angry that I’m gone a
lot — I guess I just thought cats were more into doing their own thing than
dogs and wouldn’t get angry if I decided to see a movie or go to dinner or a
meeting or something after work.
Even when I am home for awhile and try to play with her or pet her, she will
let me pet her for awhile and then she attacks me. I’m not just talking
little bites while I’m petting her, but stalking me from across the bed and
sinking her teeth in my arm, leg, shoulder, hand, or any part of my body that
is exposed, and breaking the skin. Nothing I do stops her from doing this.
I’ve tried picking her up gently and saying that we don’t bite in this
house; I’ve tried yelling and not-so-gently dumping her off me and the bed,
chair, sofa I’m sitting in; I’ve tried not reacting to the bite and
acting like nothing’s going on (which just leads her to attack another limb
immediately).
Needless to say, this behavior is making me a prisoner in my bedroom — I let
her in for a few minutes, but once she’s attacked me a few times, I throw
her out and then do not leave my bedroom because I don’t want to continually
be attacked. Then she cries and meows and scratches at the door all night
long. Sometimes I feel sorry for her and let her back in and try to cover
every exposed part of my self with the sheets, but it starts all over again.
Besides the lack of affection I feel for the cat based upon this, the cons
of taking care of her (cleaning up her not-infrequent vomit, emptying the
litter box, continually vacuuming up the litter sprayed out of the box,
dealing with the massive cat hair everywhere, cleaning up all the papers and
stuff she scatters around) don’t seem to be outweighed by the pluses. I
feel no love towards this cat now — she is cute and purring and sweet for
about one and a half minutes a day before she ushers in the reign of terror
of Shear-a, Feline Princess of Pain. I feel sorry for her and keep trying
to understand her, but I’m starting not to care about everything she’s been
through.
Maybe I wasn’t ready for a cat — I’ve only lived on my own for about a year
and I relish being able to stay out several nights in a row until 9 or 10 PM
and not having to answer to someone. I also used to like being able to sit
around as undressed as I like and not fear sharp claws in the fleshy part of
my thighs, but now I try to cover every part of my body possible but for my
face or hands so at least I have some protection. My apartment was pretty
messy before but nothing compared to now, with the cat hair and kitty litter
issues added.
You told “Can’t See The Forest For The Pees” that when you take a pet on,
you take it on for life, with all its problems. But in a situation like
this, when the owner and cat just don’t get along, wouldn’t it be best to
find a new owner for the cat? Call me selfish, but for me, she’s just been
an unenjoyable drain on my life; for her, I think all I’ve done is feed her
and put a roof over her head. It seems unfair to her to be stuck with me
too. I read your “Advanced Conversational Feline” this week with amusement
and I know some of this is par for the course, but it seems like you get
some enjoyment and feel some affection for Little Joe and Hobey. I don’t
feel that for my cat.
Got any advice? I would certainly try to get someone to take her (but my
friends have all heard my shrieks of pain when I’m on the phone with them, or
have heard my tales of annoyance), or as a last resort would take her to a
no-kill shelter. Is this just normal kitten behavior (the vet estimated
that she’s between six months and a year old)? People tell me she’ll calm down in a year
or two, and that getting her spayed would help, but I’m not sure I want to
invest that much in this cat I don’t like. Even though I feel no love for
the cat, should I continue to take care of her and presume at some point
she’ll be nicer and at some point in the future maybe I’ll like her more?
Imprisoned and Resentful Owner of Shear-a, Feline Princess of Pain
Dear Imp,
Look, it’s not that I don’t hear you. Last night, I had to put Hobey in the bathroom because he. Would. Not. Shut. Up, and then I had to sleep on the couch because he STILL wouldn’t shut up and I could hear him yowling from the bed, and THEN Little Joe landed on me with claws extended as I slept and I lurched off the couch and whanged my head on the tray table, and now I have a cut on my forehead that, seriously, I barely remember getting. Oh, and when I got up finally after getting about seventeen seconds of sleep, Hobey had stuffed the bathmat into the kitty litter. So, you know, I feel your pain.
But.
You haven’t given the cat enough time to settle in. She’s still quite young, first of all, and my entire family can tell you bloody, expensive, Bactine-soaked stories about the first year of Dusty’s life, during which none of us had any skin below the knee, and eventually he grew out of it, but kittens attack things that move. Goes with the territory.
And, age aside, you’ve only had her eight weeks. Cats take time to get used to new environments and new people, and I know it’s hard to let her get used to you when she’s in sabre-tooth mode, but you don’t spend any substantive time with her. Yes, much of the time cats do their own thing, but this cat suffered abandonment when her previous long-term owner died; she’s paranoid, and locking her out of the bedroom isn’t helping.
I think you should give her more time. Get her fixed if she’s old enough — you should do that anyway — and see if that settles her any, although it probably won’t. Buy a bunch of toys and play with her; let her pounce on something else besides your extremities, and wear her out so that she’ll sleep more.
Give it another eight weeks, and in that time, rethink your approach to pet ownership, because the cat is never going to show you proper gratitude in the way we humans think of it, and you’d better come to terms with that or you really shouldn’t have a pet at all. You can only anthropomorphize your pets up to a point, and past that point, you just have to accept the fact that they don’t do annoying shit on purpose to torture us (although it often seems that way). They do annoying shit because…they just do, and frankly, the annoying shit you describe is pretty much the bare minimum cat owners have to put up with. I mean, you must have known that cats shed and poop and mess stuff up, but it sounds to me like, because you rescued her from a sad fate, you expected her to show her thanks with model behavior. Not gonna happen. Trust me.
Not everyone really gets that. A lot of people adopt cats and dogs and think it’s going to be a Purina ad from then on, and it just isn’t — animals don’t have the same compunctions that humans do, and you have to learn not to take that personally. If that’s not something you can deal with after another two months, find the cat a suitable home and get a ficus instead, but before you give up, try to get into a better space with how you deal with the cat, both on a day-to-day level and on a philosophical level, and see if you can’t find a better balance.
Dear Sars,
I have a question of romantic morality for you. A good friend of mine made an in-the-pouring-rain, I’m-leaving-my-girfriend-because-of-you declaration of love to me a few months ago. I politely rebuffed him (too politely, I’m pretty sure), and tried to forget about it. Last night, though, it happened again.
I’ve decided that I absolutely do not want to date this boy, for various reasons which include his disturbing similarity to my ex-boyfriend and my lack of physical attraction to him. After this latest attempt on his part, though, I’m worried that it’s impossible for us to be friends without him getting the wrong idea. That’s partly my fault. I get along really well with this boy. We really click as friends. He makes me laugh and smile. I enjoy his company, and it’s nice to have someone like you. I’m afraid I unconsciously encourage him because I like having someone around who laughs at all my jokes and generally considers me to be both lovely and amazing.
So, my question is, am I obligated to push him away? I don’t think we can be good friends like we were without me doing things that are bound to confuse him. On the other hand, this boy is a grown-up. Maybe it’s his job to decide to put some space between us if that’s what he needs to get over me, given that I’ve made it clear twice now that we’re not going to date? It seems kind of arrogant of me to assume that he’s too overpowered by my charms to make a rational decision about whether we can be friends. On the other hand, I’m worried that by saying that I’m rationalizing what I want to do, which is continue to be his friend and bask in his crush. Arrrgggh. Thanks in advance for the help.
Sincerely,
Confused Crushee
Dear Crushee,
I don’t know that I’d use the word “obligated,” but on the other hand, it depends on how vigorously you’ve pushed him away so far. Have you told him what you just told me — in plain English? That it will never happen, ever, and why? If not, you need to do that, because at that point he’ll have all the relevant information and he can make his own choice.
But it seems to me that you don’t like “basking” in his crush as much as you say — obviously, or you wouldn’t have written to me. So, yes, maybe you should give him some room, not for his sake but for yours. It’s making you uncomfortable and taking the friendship into strange territory, so perhaps a breather is the best thing for both of you.
Dear Sars,
You know how there is one ex-boyfriend who stands capitalized in
your head — The Ex who was your first/broke your
heart/you’re stuck seeing every day. Well, my The Ex is all of
the above and it’s pissing me off.
The relationship was…never exactly great. We met, we were
frinds with benefits for six months, we were a couple for six.
This covers my first year of college. Now, of course, we have all
the same friends and I can’t seem to get away from him.
The guy started seeing another girl something like a month after
we broke up (he dumped me) — and he then came up to me and told me
to stop bitching about him behind his back. Because I had no
right to be upset and discuss this with my friends, just because
they knew him too. A few weeks ago he cornered me and mouthed off
about what a bitch I am — with his girlfriend, who is actually
very nice, trying to drag him away.
Now every time I see him, my blood boils. He’s in most of my
classes so I see him around all the time, and he’s slap-bang in
the middle of my course-friends social group, so he’s there when we
all go out to a bar. (My closer friends wouldn’t invite him, of
course, but during the en-masse outings he’s always there.) I
really want to scream at him, but my friends have been saying I’m
dealing well, so I don’t want to drop down to his level. But he’s
always THERE and either being a pig or pointedly annoying me.
It’s just annoying as hell, but I can’t see a way out except to
stop going out with the crowd. I’m not willing to sacrifice my
friends, but he’s just driving me nuts.
Needing a number for Ex-terminators
Dear 1-800-BUGGING,
You know the answer already. Either stop letting him get to you or stop hanging out with that group. He’s a jackass, and his opinion shouldn’t mean anything to you, so you can act like that’s true until you start to believe it or you can find a new group of friends that’s less divisive, but there isn’t a magic bullet here. He’s not going to “get it,” so stop caring whether he does, now, today.
Dear Sars,
I’m a dyke, somewhere between androgynous and soft butch. I work in a place where I can wear jeans most of the time, and folks are generally accustomed to me dressing down.
The problem is that, occasionally, on holidays or whatever, I like to dress up in girly clothes. Some friends who actually have social skills say things like, “Hey, you look nice.”
However, many people who have put me in some kind of box say derisive things like, “Wow, I didn’t know you wore dresses!” or “That’s nice, who picked it out for you?” or tons of other non-funny, obnoxious comments that they seem to think are funny. This may seem like a small problem, but it pretty much happens every time I dress nicely. And it’s not just one person — many people have said such things to me.
I’ve been trying to think of a comeback, but I think it’s hard, because, as much as I don’t like to admit it, it hurts to hear this stuff. How do I get folks to back off? Do you recommend a witty comeback, or just a direct “cut it out, asshole”?
Signed,
Androgynous Dyke Who Wants Friends To Shut Up Already
Dear Dyke,
See my answer to the letter above yours. Stop giving a shit what rude-asses think of what you wear. It’s easier said than done, of course, but I think you get more defensive about it than the situation would seem to call for, possibly because you don’t feel entirely sure about your image or whatever. I don’t know; it’s just a thought.
As far as dealing with the comments at the time, try the Miss Manners technique. Furrow your brow in earnest puzzlement and ask, “Why would you say something like that?” or “What makes you say that?” Wait for an answer; don’t help them out all “I know you didn’t mean anything by it.” Just stand there and wait for them to come up with an adequate response. There isn’t one, really, but whatever they yank out of their butts, just comment, “I see,” and change the subject.
Seriously, though — stop caring. I get the same shit when I show up with lipstick on sometimes; it’s not part of what people expect from me. Too bad. Blow it off.
Hi Sarah,
I have a question about dealing with co-workers for your advice column. I am working in a federal government science lab as an assistant. I have a B.Sc. in physics but have not finished graduate school yet, and this puts me near the bottom of the hierarchy. However, my job is a full-time, permanent, professional one. Also, I am a woman in my mid-twenties, something of an anomaly in this old-white-guy-dominated field.
I have a co-worker, Rick, who is making my job extremely frustrating. He is much older than me, grey-haired, but hasn’t gotten his Ph.D either. He is working in my group, also as an assistant; we are very close to the same rung on the ladder as far as job title goes. My problems with him started a year ago when he was first hired here. I had to do a job that required a lot of computer power, and was asked by our group leader to use the new computer in one of Rick’s labs. Now, this computer wasn’t his personal office one; it was used only to drive some equipment. In any case, he is the one who installed all the software on the computer. I was running into problems using the software, and realized that the problem was that the drivers hadn’t been installed right. I went to Rick to ask him for the software to reinstall, and he refused to let me have it, saying that it was a “user problem” I was having, not an “install” problem. I later proved that it was in fact the drivers. He also refused to give me administrator rights to the computer; I had to finally go above his head for it. He was saying undermining things about me to my co-workers, and we had some mild confrontation.
I realize that it’s probably hard to be the older white science guy and have to be almost on par with a young woman in the workplace, and have tried to cut him a little slack. Also, I don’t have day-to-day contact with him, so I decided just to leave it alone. I recently had some communication with him over a work-related issue, and I received the following pleasant little email from him: “I hope you are having fun learning a lot here…be sure to take good notes!” Now, this is too small a comment to go to my project leader with without looking like a whining baby, and I am learning things here. But I’m not an intern here and I do my share of the work competently. Further, the presumptuousness of a colleague talking to me like that is, I find, extremely condescending. After having a little “I hate him I hate him I hate him” hissyfit on the phone with my boyfriend, he (the boyfriend) said I was overreacting about the situation.
Am I? If not, what can I do to establish my place in the pecking order? I don’t think I should have to be treated like a child at work.
Thanks for listening,
Nerd Girl
Dear Nerd,
At the risk of making today’s Vine seem like a theme entry — stop caring. Seriously. So he feels threatened by you. So he’s condescending. I know it’s maddening, but if you seldom have to deal with him directly, and if he’s not giving you orders or in a position to assign work to you, you need to try to let his bullshit go.
It’s not a matter of overreacting; Old White Science Guy’s behavior is irritating, and I don’t blame you for, well, getting irritated. But I think it’ll do you more harm in the long run to make a big issue out of his attitude than just ignoring it. If he interferes with your ability to work, by all means correct the situation, and if he says something patronizing, you might point out to him politely that you don’t appreciate the attitude, but again, he’s not your boss — you don’t need to care what he thinks, so, don’t. It’s just going to give you more aggro than it’s worth.
Tags: boys (and girls) cats etiquette friendships workplace
