The Vine: March 8, 2006
Dear Sarah,
I have a work-related dilemma, and I respect your advice very much;
I’m hoping you can help me out.
I work for a small startup firm; among the 20 or so of us, I am one of
two people who do web development. The other one is my boss,
“Joanne.” Joanne is a good person and a good boss, but not very good
at building websites.
Recently, Joanne built a very large and expensive website for one of
our clients. Our client may not know a lot about web development, but
when he saw it, he must have had a sneaking suspicion that it was
really, really bad, because he hired a third-party consultant,
“Leslie,” to look at it and report back to him. Leslie looked at the
project and wrote a twenty-page screed detailing everything that she
found wrong with it. Our client forwarded this document directly on
to Joanne, and Joanne passed it on to me. In the email to me, Joanne
basically said that she’d done a bad job on the project and that she
needed my help to fix it. Leslie’s comments were attached, and they
were scathing. Joanne said that I was not to tell anyone what Leslie
had written.
I thought about immediately passing this on to Joanne’s boss, but I
like Joanne and didn’t really want her to get in trouble. I knew that
I was better than Joanne at this stuff, and that I should really be
the one doing these kinds of projects rather than Joanne, but I also
thought that my own competence would eventually speak for itself,
without me ever having to rat on her. So I spent two days rebuilding a
big piece of the project from scratch, and Leslie actually met with us
to look at what I’d done. Leslie then told several people at our
company that my stuff was better than Joanne’s. Now, Leslie doesn’t
actually work for us, and most of us were disinclined to respect her
opinion anyway, but still I thought that that was a turning point, and
that my competence had in fact spoken for itself. But here we are,
some time later, and everyone at our company is still planning
projects as though Joanne and I are basically interchangeable with
respect to web development.
So, here are my questions: Am I correct in interpreting the email from
Joanne as “I can’t really do my job, and I need you to do it for me,
but you’re not allowed to tell anyone”? Is that kind of thing
acceptable at other companies? At another company, what would the
consequences have been for Joanne after what happened with Leslie? Do
you think I should still show Joanne’s boss the email? Would it do
anyone any good?
My goal is not to get anyone in trouble. It’s just to fix whatever is
wrong with our company so that we never again ship anything so awful.
Please sign me,
I Thought Working For A Startup Would Be More Romantic Than This
Dear Sssssuckah!,
You need to ask Joanne for a meeting, review what you’ve just written here with her, and tell her that, really, you’re not comfortable with this kind of thing happening again — you’re not comfortable fixing Joanne’s work; you’re not comfortable burying third-party reports; you’re not comfortable not knowing what your job description is w/r/t responsibility for design and development when you saved the project’s bacon and nothing changed afterwards.
Yes, the client put her in a tough spot — but so did her poor design skills, and regardless, it’s not your problem, and you should make it clear, nicely, that you don’t want to be put in the position of covering for her again. Now, if that means she wants to give you more responsibility on the web development side, with a title and salary that reflect that, you’re happy to hear her ideas, and you’re happy to help her anytime, of course, as long as you’re not asked to lie about it, or to pretend she did work that’s yours.
I don’t think Joanne is an unreasonable person, or trying to screw you, from the sound of things; she just bungled this situation and doesn’t want to get fired herself. But, again: not your problem. You don’t have to blackmail her with it or anything; just make it clear that you won’t be as accommodating the next time she fucks up, because it could have gotten done right the first time, if she knows what you mean.
Dear Sars,
In your opinion, how does one know that they are ready to have sex? As in lose their virginity? I’m sure it varies from person to person and don’t worry, I’m not going to jump in the sack with anyone based on your advice, I’m just curious and wondering what the difference is between being ready and being so willing that one thinks they’re ready. (Ouch, sorry about that run-on.) Thanks for your insight!
Love,
Virginia
Dear Ginny,
Well, you’re never really “ready,” because you don’t know what you’re supposed to be “ready” for until you actually do it, so it’s hard to fully prepare yourself — but on the other hand, there’s such a thing as waiting too long to feel “ready” and then the next thing you know ten years have passed. I mean, obviously there’s nothing wrong with waiting, either, but there’s waiting with purpose, and then there’s waiting out of fear.
I think you’re ready when you have a fairly grounded understanding of what sex means, physically and emotionally. So, that means that you’ve taken the necessary precautions to prevent STDs and pregnancy; that you understand the risks involved there; and that you understand that, while every woman is different, the first time having intercourse is somewhat less than cinematic, sensation-wise, for a lot of us. That also means that you’re having sex for the right reasons, your reasons — that you want to do it for its own sake and not because someone is pressuring you to, or because you think you “have to” or everyone else is, or because you think it’s a good way to hold onto a guy, or because you think it will inevitably lead to love. Because don’t get me wrong, sex, especially between people who love each other, is a marvelous thing. But it’s not a movie, and it’s not kid stuff.
“Willingness” is a fine reason, to my mind. You don’t have to dress it up with anything higher-minded than that, as long as you’ve got condoms and a clear understanding of your relationship with your partner (and if it’s “…he’s just some dude,” that’s fine too, just use protection). But sex is not something that just “happens to” people; you have to be willing to control your sexual destiny, and if you don’t know what I mean by that, you should wait to have sex until you do.
Take it seriously, but not too seriously; take yourself seriously in terms of listening to your instincts. If you can do that, you’ll be fine.
Hey Sars,
I love your insight, specifically on friendships and their shelf life. It’s helped me identify and let go of a friendship that was so far past its expiration date, it was curdling. It’s that friendship though, that I have a problem with today.
B and I were friends for about six years before it (finally) ended several months ago. For the first couple of years, the friendship was great — forged over bitching about work, bitching about guys, and bitching about heavy-handed writing on teen dramas we were way too old to be watching in the first place. But then the real-life drama began and it started going downhill quickly. The drama description would be an entire letter in itself, but basically we have a third friend, T, who has ended up in the middle of what turned out to be a pretty messy situation.
There have been a lot of bad deeds committed on both sides of B’s and my friendship, namely jealousy, talking behind each other’s back, and kind of jockeying for position when it comes to T’s friendship, but the final straw came last winter when B came to visit. It turned out she’d slept with my ex (for not the first time). This was, at that point, the only man I’d ever had sex with, so I probably had more attachments to him than the typical girl would with her ex, but she knew that. I said some not-so-nice things about her to other common friends, it got back to her, and we had what was basically a State of the Friendship discussion. At that time, we said a lot of things that had been building up in both of us, agreed to work on slowly but surely re-building our friendship and parted ways. Admittedly, I had reservations even then about keeping her as a friend but chose to try to work it out since I had also been at fault (with the talking behind her back) and felt rather guilty. We kept talking on the phone, and I really felt like, for the first time in a long time, the air had been cleared between us, and things were back on the right track.
Then came the spring. B, T and several of our other friends went on a trip together. I saw B the day she came into town before they left, and things were shaky but good. They went on the trip, and I saw them the night before B was leaving to go home — she was a totally different person. She was super cold to me the entire night and made several comments bitchy enough so that the friends we were with asked me if everything was okay. I figured she was tired, blew it off, hugged her goodbye, and figured everything was okay. A week or two later though, I was talking to one of my friends who had been on the trip with B. He told me that she’d said some really insulting things about me on that trip. And hearing that, I was done. I felt stupid for trusting that we were on this “new path” while she was still acting like a 13-year-old and talking behind my back.
So, I just cut off contact. This wasn’t difficult to do, as she was in no hurry to get in touch with me either. I simply stopped calling and emailing her and the one time she did contact me (an e-card on my birthday) I just didn’t respond. And now, we’re finally getting to my question. T just informed me that B will be coming into town soon (I didn’t ask for how long, but I’m guessing about a week), and asked me if I wanted to see her. The way I see it I have a few options; 1) tell T I don’t want to see B; 2) don’t tell T anything and let B dictate whether she wants to see me or not; 3) tell T (and/or B) that I’d like to see her. So tell me, What Would Sars Do? I’m kind of leaning towards Option 2 right now, since it seems like the least likely to cause any sort of drama. I honestly have no desire to see B, but I also could easily suck it up and be cordial to her if it meant less angst for T. I also have to admit that it would get under my skin if T planned something with all of our friends that I couldn’t go to, but I fight that feeling because I know it’s immature and that B only gets to see these people a couple of times a year, so if she doesn’t want me to be there, I shouldn’t be.
I know this was long-winded and it seems like I already know what I should do, but wanna give me a kick in the pants toward the right direction?
Sincerely,
Kick Me
Dear Kick,
I think you’re being too accommodating. “Oh, well, I shouldn’t have shit-talked her, wah wah” — hello, she slept with your ex. I don’t know about you, but where I come from, that is Not Done, and I’m all for telling people to their faces that they’ve acted like assholes (which I assume you did), but…again: slept with your ex. Only guy you’d been with. What did bitch expect you to do, knit her a sweater? Fuck that.
And then on top of that, “if B doesn’t want you to be there, you shouldn’t be”? Why — because it might be uncomfortable for her? And why would that be? Gee, let me think. Could that be because she fucked your ex and then was a twat to you? See above re: fuck that.
Tell T you’ll go if you’re invited, and you’ll be civil to B in that case, so she should do what she thinks is best, but stop bending over backwards to make either of them feel less awkward; it’s not your job and it’s undeserved effort regardless. B is a selfish ass, and if T wants to be friends with both of you, she’s going to have to grow up and learn to endure some frosty discomfort at times like this. Not everyone gets along. Way of the world.
But B doesn’t get to “dictate” squat as far as I can see. If she doesn’t want you around, she could always stay home. Shitty behavior has consequences — don’t take them on for her.
Dear Sars:
You’re my writing hero. However, not all of my problems have been solved by your preexisting biting prose.
Some background on my family: My parents divorced contentiously when I was 13, then had a contentious custody battle when I was 15/16. Now they’re both remarried and everything’s pretty settled. At 21, I finally don’t have to play the role of mediator anymore, because they have practically no contact with each other. I live with my father and stepmother, who have a 15-month-old baby I love to death, and I’m Gilmore Girls close to my 38-year-old mom (although, ahem, tell her I said 29).
Here’s the problem: I finally got a big-girl job working as an editor and I’m moving out into my own apartment. My father works from home and watches the baby, so I’ve agreed to watch the baby at my place on my day off every other Friday. This gives my dad some time to work uninterrupted, and lets me spend time with my awesome little brother. However, I know that my rad mom will be in and out of my apartment all the time, especially at first while she’s helping me get set up.
And my question: What is the etiquette on my mom being around my little brother? How far does “my house, my rules” go, and how much power does my dad and stepmom’s say over their son’s influences go? The baby’s parents are fine with my friends being around the baby; can I just count my mom in under that umbrella? I’m loath to bring it up as an issue, because I am sick of being the family mediator and I don’t want to stir shit. Will bringing this up as an issue make it an issue or suggest that it should be an issue? Whenever parent-to-parent relations come up, my mom’s feelings get hurt, my stepmom bristles, and my dad is an ass. Otherwise, they’re wonderful people whom I love to death and don’t want to make weird and annoying.
What do you think I should do?
Thanks,
Sister/Sitter/Diplomatic Negotiator
Dear Cord-Cutter,
I wouldn’t bring it up; I don’t think it’s necessary. You can probably safely assume that your dad and stepmom are not wild about the idea of the baby spending time with your mom, so take steps to see that that doesn’t happen, and enforce them.
“But my mom is my friend!” Okay, but…don’t be disingenuous. You seem to think that “Gilmore Girls close” is a positive, and in a lot of ways, I’m sure it is — but you’re 21, and if you’re paying the rent, you have the right to bar whomever you please from your living quarters, parents included. Your mom should not so much be “in and out all the time”; in fact, given this situation, she should probably not have a key at all if you think she’s just going to come and go.
I know she’s “rad”; I know you just want everyone to get along. But you’re an adult, and…they don’t. The reality is that these are two separate families now, and I sympathize with your irritation at that, but the inconvenience for you doesn’t change the facts. Set some boundaries with your mom, and when the baby is over, enforce them. It’s your house, and it’s going to spare you drama down the line. Use common sense.
Dear Sars,
So here’s my problem: my boyfriend of a year broke up with me over the phone a few days before he was supposed to come visit me for break. He told me that his feeling have changed, et cetera. Well, I was completely heartbroken but I did not contact him for the rest of break.
When break is over and I get back to university, I see him because all of our friends are mutual. It was hard and it hurt like I was getting dumped all over again. My friend advised me to send him an email and ask him to come over sometime so at least we could wrap things up in person. So I did and he came over a few hours later. He explained everything to me and while it still sucked, I understood and felt like I could move on. A few hours after all this, he calls me and says he has some of my stuff so I let him come over to drop it off. We end up just hanging out for a couple hours and that was all right, but I told him I did not want to be his friend. Mainly because I have feelings for him and I don’t think that would make a healthy friendship.
So then something happens: he comes up, holds me for about ten minutes, kisses me, and freaks out. He goes on and on about how he was sorry, that he felt like dumping me was still right, but this felt right, blah blah blah. I told him to leave and he did, only to call me a few minutes later and apologize again. I was told him it was okay and that I knew it was just a physical thing. He disagreed and said it wasn’t just that but the thing is, Sars, I don’t need that kind of confusion. I basically just said goodbye and hung up. The next day he stops by and says the same thing, that it wasn’t just physical and that I shouldn’t think this was easy for him and I just stared at him and kept saying okay. He hugged me, kissed me on the head, and left. I figured he was incredibly confused and that I should avoid him.
Then at lunch the next day (where I have to see him due to the fact that we are friends with the same people) he tries to be my friend and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I pull him aside and tell him I don’t want to be his friend and I would prefer if he would leave me alone. He tells me how he’s trying to be mature and how we share all the same friends and so on and so forth. I tell him that I can’t be his friend, I can be civil, but no more. He tells me just because he broke up with me doesn’t mean he doesn’t still care about me but I told him I didn’t want him to care about me. He storms out and thankfully, I haven’t heard from him since.
So here’s my question: What should I do with the whole friend situation? Am I being immature by not wanting to be around him? I’m really confused as to what would be the right way to handle this. It’s not their fault that we broke up and I hate making them feel awkward but I know I can’t be his friend. Any advice?
Thanks,
Confused In More Ways Than One
Dear Con,
First of all: you did the right thing. He made you uncomfortable, he was fucking with your head — not on purpose, but dude sounds like kind of a drama queen to me — and you made it clear you didn’t want to deal with that. That’s the smartest thing for both of you, and if he weren’t such a wet end, he’d see that.
But he doesn’t. I think, though, that you have to have more faith in your friends to see the situation for what it is — an awkward post-break-up deal. No, it’s not “their fault” that you split up, but friends date, and friends fight, and friends can’t always all get along with each other — it isn’t anyone’s “fault,” it’s just the nature of human societies. They really won’t understand why you don’t want to spend as much time with him? Or with them, if they’re hanging out with him?
The intensity of this will pass, and either your friends will learn to work with it or not, but don’t doubt yourself, and don’t fall for this “well, I’m being the mature one” bullshit from your ex — if he were that mature, he’d give you the space you asked for repeatedly instead of dumping you and then kissing you and then acting like you’re the neurosis-ball.
You’re doing fine; you’ll all get through this. Keep your distance from him, and if your friends can’t deal with you doing what you need to for yourself, get new friends.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships sex the fam workplace
