The Vine: March 12, 2003
There’s a car commercial running right now — don’t know what the car is — wherein Jeff Goldblum says, “Pretty impactful, huh?”
Chaps my ass every time.
Also, an unrelated but interesting thing: According to my dictionary, the word “yes” is an adverb. Crazy, huh? I can’t figure out how that would be true. Got any ideas?
Jen
Dear Jen,
“Yes” has two usages — as an adverb, and as a noun. The noun usage is self-explanatory, I think, but the adverb usage is a bit murky.
In my 9C, the examples used all look sort of like appositives, set off by commas — “yes, I am” or “yes, I will.” An appositive is generally adjectival, and “yes” works in a similar fashion here, except that it’s modifying the verb to provide contradiction or emphasis. In other words, “I will” is fine on its own, but “yes, I will” is more explicit.
So, it appears to function as an adverb because it’s modifying the verb. The fourth definition lists “yes” as “a function word to indicate uncertainty or polite interest or attentiveness.” Why that isn’t an interjection rather than an adverb, I don’t know, but maybe it’s because there’s an “…I’m listening” implied — hard to say.
Hope that helps somewhat.
Another solution might be for Cat’s Woman to sprinkle
cayenne pepper around her windows and back garden
area. The smell tends to keep cats away.
Fellow Pesky Cat Sufferer
Dear Fellow,
I did not know that. Thanks for the tip!
Cat’s Woman can also call the local pet store and see if they stock a green apple solution or other cat-proofing spray…or just get a water pistol and start firing on him when he comes around.
Sars,
I generally love your advice, but in the case of Not A Voyeur’s problem with
her boyfriend’s porn prediliction, I think you may have judged the man too
harshly, especially about the “underage” thing. I don’t look at tons of
pornography, but when I am looking at some on the internet, it can almost be
difficult finding a site without the phrases “underage girls” or “barely
legal” girls being somewhere on the site. Beyond the kinky fetishistic
stuff that is on the internet, that is basically the only other option —
young girls. None of these girls are really under the age of 18. It is a
marketing tool most porn companies use.
Plus, in her letter, Not A Voyeur
did not specifically address any that these movies or images may have
contained. Secondly, calling the presence of pornography on the computer
for her to find “passive-aggressive” is pretty wrong. A whole lot of
websites will leave cookies or some trace of a visit for anybody using the
computer to find. I think the judgment you employed in telling her to break
up with her boyfriend/fiancé of over two years over a matter as simple as
pornography was simplistic and pat. This is seemingly a solid and committed
relationship, and for people to break up over porn that (I’ll bet dollars to
donuts) isn’t kiddie porn is silly.
Keep up the good work,
Porn Supporter
Dear Supporter,
I considered your first point, but here’s the thing — he searched specifically for underage porn. Most of the porn spam I get would seem to back you up on the assertion that there’s pretty much nothing out there but “teens” getting it on, and I do understand that the majority of the girls on these sites are not actually in high school. But there’s a difference between consuming underage stroke because you can’t find anything else, and seeking out underage stroke in particular. Maybe I didn’t get all the information in that regard, but I can only work with what I’m told, and what I was told is ooky.
As for the passive-aggressive behavior, well, I guess we’ll have to disagree on that. If he hadn’t wanted to get caught on some level, he would have cleared the cache and the cookies and not left a download running where she might see it, but he did, and he didn’t, and to me, that reads “passive-aggressive” — or at the least wanting to get busted. Okay, maybe he just wanted to provoke a discussion about his fantasies, but the way to do that is to…discuss his fantasies.
It’s not about the pornography itself, really (it seldom is). It’s about the fact that he’s engaging in behavior that she has told him repeatedly makes her uncomfortable, and lying about it. Do I think porn generally is a big deal, in or out of a committed relationship? Not really. But it raises other issues that can turn into big deals, and if they can’t get together on those issues…I don’t want her to dump him because of the porn, is my point. I want her to figure out what’s really going on there, and if what’s really going on there is that he has no respect for her and/or has a pathology with respect to the younger girls, well, enough said.
Hey Sars,
My problem is that my best friend talks a lot. And I mean A LOT. I love him; we’ve been best friends for the past few years, and he’s great, and we’ve always been there for each other…but sometimes he goes on and on and I just want to tell him to shut up (except that, ofcourse, I don’t).
Let’s take an example. He got a new car. Yay, I’m happy for him. But it doesn’t end here. When he shows me his car for the first time, he talks for a full twenty minutes about all the features/advantages/price/technical stuff, and he started sounding like a salesman. I stood there, grinning, pretending to listen eagerly when honestly I just don’t care as long as it’s got wheels.
He talks about everything in great detail. If I ask him a question about, let’s say, which scanner should I get, he can go on for a full hour if someone doesn’t stop him. It gets annoying. I always try to cut the conversation short and change the subject, and when he irritates me, I tell him, “All right, I’m bored and I don’t want to know all this stuff.” But he just never changes.
I introduced him to a couple of my girlfriends, hoping we can all become “one big family,” but none of them can stand him because he always manipulates the conversation, and I get the feeling that he’s trying to show off with his extra information…or something. And the few times he hung out with my girlfriends and me, he would bring up personal things I told him concerning me (that were irrelevant to the flow of the conversation, but he just manages to include them in a way) in front of my girlfriends, and I get the feeling that he’s trying to bring them up on purpose to show my girlfriends that we’re close or something. You know what I mean, or is it getting confusing?
It gets to a point where I have to choose between hanging out with him or my other friends, since they don’t exactly get along. I’m scared of introducing him to the rest of my friends because I can imagine them sitting there rolling their eyes all the time.
So what do I do? I can’t change him, of course, because he’s incredibly talkative by nature. Do I have to keep on choosing to hang out with him vs. my girlfriends? Is there a subtle way I can hint that he needs to stop talking as much?
Thanks, Sars, you’re the best.
Shut Up Already
Dear Already,
Well, you’ve tried listening politely, and you’ve tried informing him bluntly that he needs to put a sock in it, and neither of those strategies seems to have worked. Now what?
I think it’s time to talk to him — gently, but frankly — about the problem. Tell him that his chattiness is a lot to take, and that he needs to keep his trap shut about things you tell him in confidence. I suspect that he rambles on and shows off his intimacy with you in front of your other friends because he feels left out and insecure, but that’s not an excuse.
If that doesn’t work, there’s probably not a whole lot you can do. Sometimes, different friends or groups of friends just don’t get on well, and you have to keep them separate, which is a hassle but also a fact of life…unless you really just find your “best friend” a crashing bore these days, in which case maybe it’s time to phase him out.
Sars,
Ya see, there’s this guy. Isn’t that how they all start. Here’s my version.
The Object of My Desire (OMD) is a co-worker (I know) and I have been
bejiggity over him for a year. I never did anything about it until recently
(last couple months) because (oops) I was married. Well, now I’m not (that’s a whole other story that I DON’T need advice on). So for a brief
period, OMD and I did the “flirt over email” thing…played some lunchtime
tennis together. It was all fabulous fun. He seemed to dig me (even saying
so on several occasions) and I was certainly feeling those special feelings.
Things quickly moved into the horizontal-boogie stage because the sexual
tension was so overwhelming. I didn’t mind. I met his six-year-old son. He
seemed like it was all cool. Overall, I was really digging the attention and
starting to think, hmmm, we might have something here. That’s exactly when
he freaked out and got all boundaried on me. So, I was a big girl and I
backed off. You know, called him and said, maybe this is too much for both
of us, we should cool it for a while, blah blah. It was so respectful and
civil.
In the meantime, underneath my armour of “it’s cool,” I was
devastated. Our involvement only lasted about three weeks. My heart was
literally broken. Which I find odd for such a short experience. But you
know, Sars, the sad truth is that I really like this guy in a “let me have
your babies” kinda way. I’m 32. I’ve got the career. Have ended an
unhealthy marriage. I like being in a stable relationship. Could care less
about dating. All these things. But I had resigned myself to the fact that
the thing with OMD was probably over and that I needed to let it fly…if
it came back with time, then that’s cool too. But my previous handling of
pushing for the situation was not going to work.
So skip to a few more
weeks after the “breakup,” and now guess who’s sniffing around again. Old (“I
just want a casual relationship,” he knows I don’t) OMD. At my request and
his fast agreement, we are playing tennis again. He’s stopping by my office
every day to chat me up…he’s being very flirty…and to be honest, it’s very
nice and a lot less weird and shy than it was before.
So, Sars, I need an
evil plan here…how do I get this guy to throw down those walls that hold
his heart and make him admit that he secretly loves me and get this party
started?
Yours,
Gonna Gitcha
Dear Gitcha,
Unless you have it in writing that he “secretly loves” you, I wouldn’t do anything. As far as you know for sure, nothing has changed. He’s still got boundary issues; he’s still looking for something casual. If that’s not what you want or will settle for, keep it platonic and professional. If he does secretly love you, he can sack up and say so.
Tags: boys (and girls) cats friendships grammar workplace
