The Vine: April 13, 2006
Dear Sars,
I’m 26 years old, married and have a beautiful son. I realized in the last few years that I was pretty much a huge jerk for most of my first four years of college. I finally got up the courage a few months ago to apologize to my roommate who put up with me for all four of those years, and I’ve been thinking about apologizing to some other people but I’m not sure if I should or how to go about it. Here’s the list:
J — my boyfriend from senior year of high school which was about nine years ago. Yeah, I know that sounds nuts but when I headed off to college, we’d planned on keeping up a long-distance relationship but instead, I got myself a new guy after being up at college for about a month. I really jerked him around with this on-again, off-again relationship for about two years after I left for college. I know how to contact him and I guess I just want him to know I’m sorry. The odds of me ever seeing him again are low, as I live 1600 miles away, but my parents still run into his parents once in a while.
O — my close friend from age eight until junior high when I started to be a jerk. She was a great friend and we were in classes all through high school. She was the one person who kept me sane for many years and then I just turned my back on her. We emailed a little about three years ago but I didn’t ever apologize to her. I will probably never see her again but if I do, I don’t want to be embarrassed when I remember what I was like back then.
T — a professor I worked for as a TA about four years ago when I was in grad school. I was just a terrible TA that semester, a semester when I was also pretty depressed. I run into him about once a year as I still live near where I went to college.
I guess that’s it. I doubt any of these people give me a second thought but I don’t think any of them would be unhappy to hear from me, even if I just said hello. I just don’t know if I should let bygones be bygones or if I should contact them just to say, hope you’re doing well and hope you know that I’m sorry I was such an idiot? I’d love to hear your thoughts, Sars.
Sorry is the hardest word, which is why I haven’t said it much
Dear Sorry,
Here’s what this letter kind of boils down to, for me: “I will probably never see her again but if I do, I don’t want to be embarrassed when I remember what I was like back then.” You don’t want to be embarrassed. You list these wrongs you committed like you’re allocuting as part of a plea bargain — what exactly is the purpose of contacting these people? Yes, “to apologize,” I get that, but why? To make them feel better about things? Or yourself?
I mean, not that you shouldn’t do it anyway, if it’s something you want to put to bed; I’m not trying to make you feel selfish, but my point is that, if you’re trying to get other people to sort of formally forgive you and sign off on that whole jerky era so you don’t have to look back at it and cringe anymore, that may not happen. It’s really more your job to look back, shudder, and not act like that going forward than it is theirs to tell you it’s “okay,” or whatever you hope is going to happen.
Let me put it another way: I’ve been on the receiving end of an apology like that, a couple of years after the fact, and my response was literally, “…Apology accepted; take care, now.” And it’s not that I was still pissed about the situation, and it’s not that I didn’t respect the apologizer for sacking up and admitting that she’d played a role; I wasn’t, and I did. But after a certain point, it’s like, that happened, and was unfortunate, and is over, and that’s that.
So I guess what I’m really telling you is, ask yourself what you want out of it, and then ask yourself if you’re going to get that, or whether you couldn’t get the same result from just making your own peace with that time in your life. Neither answer is wrong, but the question’s worth asking.
Dear Sarah,
Greetings from the Midwest! I’m wondering if you think it would be appropriate to tell my sister that I don’t like her boyfriend.
Julie and Jake are both 21, went to high school together and reside in my tiny hometown. They’ve been together for about four years and I think they might get engaged soon. Throughout these four years, myself, my parents, and my two other sisters have never really liked Jake. He’s nice, but also ignorant, irresponsible with money, controlling, and selfish. Jake has been receiving unemployment for over three months and Julie has been supporting him, while he buys new boats, four-wheelers, and so on.
But now it seems things are coming to a head. A few weeks ago Jake and Julie had their weekly poker night, which my youngest sister Cassie, 18, attended. Apparently Cassie said something to annoy Jake, which escalated into the two of them yelling at each other, culminating in Jake pushing Cassie up against the refrigerator. Cassie left immediately, and my dad went over there the next day to warn Jake never to touch one of his girls again.
Recently Jake’s own sister got engaged, and I’m getting married this summer. I think Julie is getting wedding fever and I want to bring up my concerns about her marrying Jake soon. My fiancé thinks all three of us sisters should confront her about it. I told my Mom about this idea and she felt it would “break Julie’s heart.” (I think this is what has prevented my parents from talking to Julie about this subject.)
I’m really torn about it; I think I want to at least bring up some of my concerns in a loving, non-confrontational way. At the same time, I feel that people need to learn lessons for themselves. But I love my sister and I’m worried she might have to support this guy for the rest of her life, or, even worse, enter into a potentially abusive relationship!
What do you think?
Thanks,
Big sister in MN
Dear Sis,
Well, that’s always the problem in situations like this, isn’t it: you feel she needs to know how you feel, but you also feel like it won’t make much difference, and might even alienate her when that’s exactly what you don’t want.
I would wait for the subject to come up in a semi-natural way; if you see an opening, while talking about wedding stuff, to ask if she sees things heading that way with Jake, you could mention that you don’t know if that would work if he can’t get along with Cassie; you could ask how they plan to support themselves if he’s the leech you’ve described (but, you know, don’t use the word “leech”); that kind of thing. Just see what she’s thinking and point out some realities of marriage, without lecturing her or making any grand un-take-back-able pronouncements like “I think Jake sucks and the rest of the family agrees with me.”
She might end up marrying the guy; people have to make their own mistakes, you’re right, and in my experience, there are few better ways to push a Julie into doing exactly the dumb thing you want her not to do than to be like, “Don’t be an idiot and do that.” But if you speak to her like a friend and a fellow adult and try to keep it a conversation, maybe you’ll at least get her thinking, and keep her off the defensive because you’re not taking the “little sister, let me tell you a few things about life” tack. Because younger siblings haaaaaate that shit, for good reason, but they will respond sometimes to “…huh, interesting; so, then what do you see happening?”
Don’t have an intervention; don’t deliver the day’s lesson. Just talk to her.
How do you make the distinction between being temporarily gloomy and
being actually depressed? The last couple of months have been pretty
shitty. My new boss is evil, school is stressful, and I just went
through a really horrible falling-out with one of my closest friends.
I’ve been maintaining pretty well up until this point, but today I
just felt so overwhelmed that I couldn’t get out of bed. The thought
of having to deal with my job and my classes made me want to cry. So
I turned off my phone, rolled over, and went back to sleep. I woke up
every three hours or so but I felt so unmotivated that instead of
getting up I would just close my eyes and fall back asleep. I had
this weird dream that I was helping Dave Chappelle shop for pants, but
I’ll save that for a later email. I finally got up around 4 PM but I
haven’t been able to shake this sad, numb feeling.
Is this a sign of
real depression or am I just being a baby who needs to smack her bitch
up and deal with her life?
Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Dear If I Stick A Lump Of Coal In This Letter…,
It could be either. I don’t think one day of sitting up, saying “yeah…hell no,” lying back down, and letting the world proceed without your help is a sign that you’re depressed. I mean, yes, you probably are depressed; you have a lot of crappy crap going on in your life, you got overwhelmed, and you’re not content.
But clinically depressed…I think you need more than one day like that before you haul yourself to the doctor and get treatment. I think that our culture is really kind of unforgiving of “the blues” and “having a bad time,” and at the first sign of unhappiness, you panic, because you’ve seen those ads with the little sad rock that’s getting rained on and that’s you and obviously you have a disease because you’re bummed aiiieeeeee. Obviously, I’m all for talk therapy and antidepressants; I think they really help a lot of people, short- and long-term. But I also think that Western society is somewhat intolerant of brooding and brown studies, even on a temporary basis, and I think that if you’re in a bad mood or having a rough go, you need to give yourself a break for a few days and just…sulk, sometimes. Take off work, watch old Feuds on the G, have sherbet for breakfast, and o-woe it up for a while. Life is not easy. Sometimes you gotta tag out and wear slippers.
If you’re still not feeling it after a few days — and by “it” I mean working, showering, giggling at cartoons, whatever you “normally” do — it can never hurt to go to a clinic and talk to someone about going on meds for a while, or visiting a counselor. But if you had a day where you were just like, “I ain’t going out there no how,” give yourself a break. It doesn’t mean your head’s busted. You just needed to sleep. See how you feel for the next week and take it from there.
Dear Sars,
I enjoy reading The Vine and respect what you have to say. I need some perspective right now and maybe you can help me out.
Last summer I fell in love with a boy. It’s been a complicated situation for me because I am not the sort of person who falls in love. I am usually more practical about my personal relationships. Historically, I have tried to try to protect my heart for a variety of reasons including some not so great boyfriends and a son to raise. I was lucky to have twelve years with the love of my life but that ended three years ago because we both needed and wanted different things. We are still friends, but it does hurt to talk to him about his recent marriage. My sixteen-year-old son is the joy in my life, and his dad has been supportive emotionally but never there for us financially.
So here’s the problem. The guy is 24 years old. He is the son of friends at work and my partner in a creative endeavor that is doing really well and getting some great press. I am 42 so of course there are some problems there. This isn’t like me to get involved in something so screwed-up. I usually compartmentalize my life pretty well. Work, kid, family, sex, and fun.
I know this isn’t right because of the age difference, and the friendship with his parents. His dad seems to think our friendship is a good thing and his mom is grateful that he is finally doing something to work on his career. Neither one of them is aware of the emotional extent of the relationship. Neither one has ever asked.
I am a professor and I make films. He has never been my student. Although my institution seems pretty liberal about such things. It’s common for the fortysomething male profs to date and marry the twentysomethings but not so much with the female profs. I love my job and have a great career. My workplace is an academic institution with all sort of liberal folks with open minds but I still feel weird about this.
I also know I feel more alive than I have since 2003. I like feeling this way even though it has some painful aspects to it.
He is a wonderful supportive person who tries to take care of me. He makes sure I balance work and fun. He loves my son. He’s funny. He thinks I am beautiful, smart, and funny. He took care of me after a surgery. I have tried to reciprocate as well as I can.
We both agree there is some attraction there, but there are many problems. He has substance abuse issues. He loves a married woman who uses him as an emotional support for everything. I am lonely and insecure. He’s been clear with me that he can’t be what I need. Every once in awhile we end up sleeping with one another for comfort. This mess has been going on since last August.
None of this makes sense but I still love him, want him to be a part of my life in some way, and want to continue to work on our creative success.
I am in counseling right now and I am trying to sort through all this. I am trying to date people my own age. I am also trying to keep our relationship as businesslike as I can. In the meantime, I can’t seem to see my life because I am blinded by this overwhelming love I have for this person. Do you think I am using this as an excuse to prevent me from forming a relationship that could work? My counselor seems to think so. I don’t know. All I know is that I feel wonderful, confused, frightened, weird, and strange all at the same time.
Thanks for your time,
Not usually a cradle-robber
Dear Cradle,
I have to agree with your counselor. I would take it even further and say that, subconsciously, you entered into this unworkable quasi-relationship with a business partner just to make things more difficult for yourself. We do a lot of weird things to sabotage ourselves that we don’t even know we’re doing, sometimes, and this relationship definitely qualifies, because nothing against this guy, but — well, you know the issues. It isn’t going to go anywhere, so you live in this limbo with it, and your business relationship with the guy means that you “can’t” do what you really should, which is cut off contact with him and start moving on to something else.
And I understand that you’re having some “creative success” with him, but I still think you should separate your life from his completely — stop spending social time with him, stop working with him. I know, I know, he’s the son of friends of yours and you’re doing whatever with him on the work side, so that makes it complicated. But not impossible. I can hear you telling me, “No, it is impossible,” but — it’s possible. You just don’t want to do it. Not the same thing.
Because: look at the situation. You’re not happy, that’s number one, but on top of that, you’ve managed to put yourself in a position that you feel you can’t get out of — you’re deliberately sort of powerless here, purposefully unloved and stuck, and when you say “I can’t really do anything about it,” what you’re really saying is, “I don’t deserve better, and I don’t want to ask for better and find out for sure that I can’t get it.”
The entire relationship is a symbol of other things, things you are not admitting to yourself. Again, not that he’s not a fine person despite his flaws, and not that it won’t hurt to make these changes, but it’s necessary — it’s necessary to look unflinchingly at what you’re really doing with this guy, and to then stop doing it because it’s self-destructive and toxic. Look at what you get out of this misery. Look at what’s familiar about it. Look at what it is you’re secretly, desperately trying to fix by continuing this way.
Then acknowledge it, forgive yourself for it, cut off contact with the guy, and move on.
Hi, Sars.
I’ve been doing quite a bit of traveling in the
friendly skies lately, and have come to the conclusion that
I need an outsider’s perspective on whether I’ve gone
totally anal-retentive or if my frustration with
certain members of the traveling public is justified.
Truthfully, I’m just tired of people acting crazy. The
man next to me the other day whipped out his
Blackberry at 20,000 feet and started sending
messages. The woman behind me last night spent one
hour and thirty-three minutes shouting, for an entire
five-row area to enjoy, about her relationship with
her mother, the challenges of air travel, and her
romantic liaisons. As we got off the plane,
nice-looking elderly people were actually saying
things like, “Crazy bitch.” I swear.
I’ve tried to relax and just roll with it, after
getting some nasty looks from folks who I’ve told to
“turn the damn Blackberry off because if this plane
goes down for any reason I’m following you to hell to
kick your ass.” Well, really I just politely told them
those devices were not allowed in flight, but I what I
really meant was that I’d really be mad if I died
(even if the Blackberry had nothing to do with it,
really).
But still, I’m tired of it. Is it totally unreasonable
for passengers to ask one another to keep the volume
down, or put the devices-in-transmit-mode away? If
flight attendants aren’t addressing it (for whatever
reason), does that mean I should just turn up the iPod
and deal?
Thanks…I’m just curious about your perspective.
I wish they still had barf-bags in the seatback
pockets
Dear Huh? They Still Do,
No, it’s not unreasonable. If someone is bothering you during a flight, ask them politely to stop doing whatever it is; if that doesn’t work, ring the attendant bell above your seat, or approach one of the attendants at the rear of the plane, and ask him or her, also politely, to deal with the problem. Certainly someone using a prohibited device is going to get dealt with pretty swiftly by the in-flight staff, for safety reasons.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships the fam
