The Vine: April 15, 2003
Dear Sars,
I have a fairly new problem, and I’m desperately seeking all the
advice I can for it.
About six months ago, after a few months of medium/large problems piling up, I
thought I was going to die — literally. My resting pulse was around 120 for
about two weeks, I couldn’t sleep from it, I couldn’t eat from it, and
eventually I ended up in the emergency room. The diagnosis: an anxiety
attack. The doc prescribed a mild sedative to get me through the next few
weeks, told me to have a follow-up appointment and relax, and sent me
packing. The follow-up appointment didn’t do much but cost a lot of money
to reiterate what the ER doc had said. I got a new, milder sedative to get
me back to my job as a substitute teacher, and I was on my own.
The anxiety attack came back a few months later and hung around for about a month and a
half before it went on vacation again.
Now I’m in school, and it’s back. AGAIN. I’m at my wit’s end on how to
deal with this — people tell me to “just relax,” but that’s easier said than
done, especially when it feels like my heart is going to thump its way out
of my chest and I haven’t eaten a real meal for days. I’ve always been
something of a control freak (probably one of the reasons this all started
in the first place), but it feels like I have absolutely no control over
what’s going on with my body right now, and I hate it. I don’t want to let
this get in the way of my grad school classes or the English 101 class I’m
teaching for an assistantship that covers my tuition. I am desperate for a
way to deal with this that doesn’t include me shutting down completely for a
few days to “just relax.”
The sedatives I got back in April really helped to relax my body enough so I
could eat and get through the day, but I’m running out, and since my husband
and I are both full-time college students, I can’t afford to go back to the
doc for a refill. I don’t want to end up stuck on meds, anyway. Psych
Services here on campus offers free sessions to students, so I finally broke
down and made an appointment with them (even though I never saw myself as
Someone Who Needs Therapy). However, that appointment is two weeks away,
and I don’t know what to do in the meantime. Whenever this creeps back up, I
have a hard time eating very much because I feel so sick. I weigh under 120
lbs. as it is, and I can’t afford to sit around and lose weight while I
figure out how to relax. Do you or your readers have any advice on how to
deal with this?
Crazy and Hungry
Dear C&H,
I have had these exact symptoms, and while you wait to speak to a counselor — which I think is really going to help you — you have to try not to get worked up about the secondary symptoms. Note that I don’t mean “just relax,” which is the typically well-meaning but unhelpful response from people who have never had a genuine panic attack, because that’s basically impossible. But don’t get anxious about the anxiety, if that makes any sense. You have panic disorder, and you will get better, but getting from morning to night with an unceasing anxiety attack on your back is an endurance test at best, so focus on doing that, and when you do, congratulate yourself — don’t beat yourself up about your eating habits or whether you’ve developed a couple of weird little compulsions to get you over the rough spots. It’ll even out eventually, and you’ll put the weight back on and get the rest of your life back, but until you get the help you need to do that, don’t judge yourself so harshly.
Like I said, I’ve dealt with the disorder, and in my case, I couldn’t eat much either — I found it hard to swallow — so I got around that with yogurt drinks, smoothies, Slurpees, and lots of other calorie- and nutrition-packed liquids. When you do feel like eating, kick it burrito-style and get as many food groups into your stomach as possible; take a multi-vitamin every night. If you also suffer from insomnia as a result of the anxiety, my advice is to put your faith in the power of coffee to get you through the following day, and just get up and do something else until you feel tired. Read a book. Pay bills. Do your nails. The anxiety is in charge, so treat it like jury duty and use the time to make a lasagna and freeze it or whatever. No, seriously.
But try not to give in to those feelings that you’re totally abnormal and going crazy, even though from the center of the anxiety it’s very difficult to reason with yourself that way. Millions of people seek treatment for panic attacks every year and come out fine, and so will you. Throw a PowerBar in the blender and have faith.
Hey Sars —
A lot of background is necessary to understand my situation, so here
goes…several years ago, I dated a girl for a about a year. We were in love
and very happy. I ultimately broke up with her due to several extenuating
circumstances, one of which included my inability to keep up appearances
that nothing was going on between us (note that “fell out of love with her”
didn’t make the list of reasons). Oh, wait, did I mention that I am a chick,
too?
I wasn’t willing to make our relationship public because the university I
attended was super-strict and over-the-top religious and wouldn’t allow such
things. Not to mention the bigger issue that I wasn’t really sure I was gay.
In addition, my family was highly involved with the school and the church
with which it was affiliated. So a lot of my decision was to save face in
light of my circumstances and certain family disapproval. Story short, I was
weak.
Back to said relationship — the girl (whom we’ll call Ex) lived half an hour
away. Since I was trying to keep everything a big secret, it became
increasingly difficult to explain away where I was spending my time. It
placed a huge strain on our relationship and I broke up with her after 13
months — for completely the wrong reasons, admittedly, but I could no longer
keep up appearances as she lived far away and I was a full-time student with
two part-time jobs.
It has been more than three years since our relationship ended. However,
there were several times in between our break-up and the end of last year
when we hooked up, regardless of the fact that Ex got married over a year
and a half ago to Husband and I was her maid of honor (hangs head in
shame). Our relationship never had closure, as we were still in love with
each other when I ended things (not to mention that Ex started dating future
Husband a few short months after our break-up).
Last year, Ex decided to tell somewhat homophobic Husband the details about
our past leading up to, and throughout, their engagement and marriage. He
knew we used to be together, but had no idea about events during their
relationship. You can imagine the understandable rage and deep hurt felt by
Husband over this admission. In addition, Husband’s strengthened reluctance
for us to spend time together. However, I was not willing to give up my
friendship with Ex, nor her with me. She is largely responsible for helping
me become who I am, and I value our friendship. Things were quite sticky
between the three of us for several months, but after a year of re-building
trust and doing a lot of apologizing (and Ex and I finally being just
friends), Ex and I were pleased that Husband graciously forgave all and
things weren’t sticky anymore.
I was finally able to tell Ex this January that I was over her. I met
someone else, and everything was going really well. Sars, getting over her
was the most difficult thing I have ever done. I had felt so much regret for
so many years, but I finally understood that Ex was happy with Husband and I
was happy without Ex. Ex and I have a wonderfully platonic friendship now.
Fast forward to a few months back; Ex and Husband had a baby. I am a proud
honorary aunt, and I try to see the baby as much as possible (Ex and Husband
live an hour away from me now).
Now fast forward to last weekend. Ex and Husband came to town, sans baby,
for a night out with a lot of friends. I got trashed. I don’t mean drunk, I
mean ridiculously and absolutely obliterated. I don’t remember anything
after bar number one. I was excited to be hanging out with Ex, and I bought
round after round of shots. The next day I spoke to Ex and she told me what
happened. Turns out I was being grabby, extremely flirtatious, and a “close
talker” with her all night. I was acting inappropriately, and Husband
commented that he was uncomfortable. I was mortified — how could I have acted
so recklessly? In one stupid night I erased the last year of trying very
hard to make sure things were all right between myself, Ex, and Husband.
What do I do now? I want to be able to hang out with my best friend, and I
want to have a relationship with Baby. Ex said that after my display,
Husband said he was done trying to be nice to me. I have already been
physically ill because of my actions; I hate that I acted so poorly and
jeopardized my future friendship with Ex and Baby. Ex knows that I was
trashed and meant no harm, but Husband understandably sees more. There is
the hope that he would just trust his wife and continue to hate me, but
given our convoluted history, that is unlikely. I’m not sure how to do
proper damage control here. What I have done is inexcusable. How can I
repair the damage to Husband/Baby Daddy, or is that even possible?
Sincerely,
Guilty and Sober
Dear But Still In Denial,
Surely you’ve heard the saying “in vino veritas.” Well…yeah. You aren’t over her. You tell yourself you’re over her, and you tell her you’re over her, but you aren’t. The break-up never “took.” You split up, then you kept sleeping together despite the fact that she’d gotten married, then you downshifted into “best friends” mode and didn’t take any space to think things through…and it didn’t work. I think that on some unconscious level you viewed your “best friendship” with Ex as a way of keeping your hand in with her, but she’s already made it clear that when it comes down to it, she’s going to go with Husband, not you. Start dealing with the facts.
We’ve all had exes we can’t shake, but you haven’t actually tried to shake Ex; instead, you’ve pretended that you can handle the situation, but it’s evident that, on several levels, you really can’t. Enough already, seriously. Apologize sincerely to them both once more for putting them in that position, and then don’t see Ex for a while. Tell her you need time to get your shit together, and take it — a month, six months, whatever it takes to sort yourself out without any contact between you and Ex and with a minimum of vino, because here’s the unvarnished veritas. Your current relationship with Ex is not healthy. Husband seems to have a good grip on that fact, and it’s time for you to get one too.
Hi Sars,
Say it with me now: There’s this guy…
I’ve known him for about eight months, though we’d been aware of one another through a common circle of friends for a couple of years. A mutual friend and amateur yenta gave him my email address at a party last summer, positive that we’d be perfect for one another. We started corresponding regularly via email and having hours-long chats on instant messenger, eventually becoming very close friends, though for various practical reasons (among them the fact that until very recently, I lived a six-hour drive away), we didn’t get a chance to meet face-to-face, and thus didn’t try to start a romantic relationship.
A few weeks ago, we finally met for the first time. We ended up driving around for three and a half hours, too preoccupied with our conversation to bother going anywhere. In short, we have emotional and intellectual chemistry out the wazoo.
The only real problem is this: We didn’t exactly have the kind of sexual chemistry that would cause nearby objects to spontaneously combust. I seriously doubt we could even warm up a chilly room. It’s not that either of us is particularly unattractive; we just aren’t really attracted to one another.
My question is, can you develop a spark? If two people are perfect for one another, but never feel any inclination to make wild monkey love while they’re together, should they start a relationship anyway?
Thanks for the ear,
Sadly Sparkless
Dear Spark,
I think sparks can develop over time, depending on the circumstances, but I also think it’s a mistake to enter into a formal relationship before you’ve seen any.
Another thing to consider here is that, often, chemistry in virtual space can take a while to sync up with chemistry in real life. You have to give the friendship time to catch up to itself a little bit before you make any big decisions about Defining The Relationship, Yikes!
So, with that in mind, why don’t the two of you keep IMing, keep talking on the phone, keep hanging out if and when you can, and see if sparks form — see what happens? If it never catches fire, it never catches fire, but it sounds like you value him as a friend, and it’s easier to keep on as just friends if you haven’t tried to take it to the next level and had it not work out.
Dear Sars,
I have a very close friend who has had a hard time recently. She was in a long-term relationship that she believed was mutually supportive, engaging, and fulfilling (and anyone who knew them both thought that it was, too) until one day he broke up with her abruptly and insensitively. There was no incident that caused the break-up; supposedly he just decided that he had issues with their dynamic that could not be fixed. She was obviously hurt, but I think it was particularly difficult because she just trusted him so much, and truly believed that he was the type of person who would never deliberately hurt her (or anyone). He’s just one of those aw-shucks types of guys whom everyone sees as being gentle and sweet, if not a little dorky.
It’s a number of months later, and she’s doing really well. She knows that she would not want to be with him should he ever change his mind, and she’s really been dealing with her hurt in constructive and positive ways. When they first broke up, she became what was probably even a little depressed, but as time went on, she really began to heal. Besides being open about it and talking about her feelings with her friends, she now sees a professional to deal with her issues. The thing is, sometimes all of the pain just comes rushing back to her. The first time that it happened to her after she felt that she was doing better, it was in the middle of work, and she decided she had to go home. (This was not so cool, since she’s an accountant, and her boss wanted to kill her since it’s busy season.) I do believe it’s getting better, but at times she still will become really emotional, and it really upsets her that this still happens to her. In fact, she had started dating again recently (not a relationship, just in general), but now she has come to me asking me whether I think she’s not ready, considering how she’s still feeling such pain at times.
I don’t know what to tell her. I mean, it’s not as though she feels that she still wants to be with him, but she wonders if it’s not fair to anyone she dates to even potentially enter a relationship when she is still so affected by what happened to her. She also worries that she’ll have trust issues (but I think her recognition of that possibility will help her in that area). At the same time, if she chooses to wait some more, she’s not really sure what she’s waiting to happen, or how the change will come about. She doesn’t just want to rebound, but she also doesn’t just want to sit around wallowing. My instinct is to tell her to get out there and date, but I’m worried that’s not the right thing to do, both for herself and for whomever she dates. What do you think?
Adviceless advisor
Dear Ad,
She has to leave work because she’s overcome with emotion over the break-up? Not ready. Not close to ready. She’s not done grieving the relationship, first of all, and second of all, she seems more worried about the pitfalls of dating than psyched about it, from what you’ve said. I suspect that she thinks that she “should” date, now that a few months have passed, that that’s part of “getting over it.” Or she thinks that’s what you think.
Tell her to do what feels right, and to wait if she doesn’t feel good about it yet. I don’t see any need for her to rush back into the fray, even for “practice,” if she has all these anxieties about it, and I certainly don’t see how “not wallowing” came to mean “dating.” Surely she can find other constructive ways to avoid steeping in Patsy Cline.
Dear Sars,
My problem. There’s this Boy. He lives in my dorm, and we also have a
class together, and I’ve seen him at other activities as well. Right now,
we’re friends. We sit next to each other in class, make fun of our prof,
walk back to the dorm together. We’ve eaten dinner together twice, but it
was just because we were both at the dining hall at the same time. I invited
him out for a movie, and went to his room to watch a movie this past
weekend.
The thing is, I want to be more than friends, but I’m not sure if Boy is
aware of this. I’ve gone to see him in his room like eight times, whereas he has
never been to mine. I’ve left him notes and candy (on Halloween) on his
door. I’ve initiated most of our conversations. When I invited him to the
movie, I had intended it to be a date, but Boy invited some of his friends
along too, so it was fun, but not very romantic.
Part of me thinks that I’m coming on too strong, but another part makes me
think he isn’t aware that I like him. The last time I saw him, I hugged him
goodbye, but I don’t know what he thought of that.
And another part of me thinks that maybe I shouldn’t worry about being more
than friends, and just be friends. But still, Boy hasn’t made a lot of
effort to seek my company beyond talking on the way home or saying hi at
church. Even if I try to build a stronger friendship, I’m worried he’ll see
it as me wanting him to be my boyfriend and that’ll scare him off.
It doesn’t help that I’ve never had a boyfriend, really don’t know how to
act around guys, and am putting way too much energy into this one guy. Please
help me figure out what to do!
Thanks!
About a Boy
Dear About,
Either he’s not interested, or he’s very shy and intimidated by you, but without knowing Boy and what kind of vibes he tends to give off, it’s hard for me to say which one applies here. Based on what you’ve told me, though, it sounds to me as though he likes you well enough, but not That Way; the bringing along of the friends suggests the gentle dropping of a hint to me. Yes, it could also suggest panic, or obliviousness, or both, but even very shy boys have their ways of making themselves known, and even oblivious boys know what The Leaving Of Candy means.
What’s that? Oh. Well, it means she likes you. Yeah, “likes you likes you.” Okay? Everyone all caught up here?
Okay, back to the question. What you do next depends on how badly you want to go out with the guy versus just staying friends. If he’s the true joy of your desiring, spell it out for him. “Look, I don’t want it to get weird between us or anything, because I like just hanging out with you, but I’d like to go on a proper date with you. A date date. Just the two of us.” He might say that he’s flattered, but he’s got a girlfriend or isn’t into it or whatever, in which case you scream into a pillow about it for ten minutes and then get on with your life. On the other hand, he might go, “Oh…wait, me? Really? Oh. Oh! Ohhhhh.” And then you go on a date, unicorns and rainbows, roll credits.
Regardless of what you decide to do, if he wigs out, either because you try to step up the friendship or because you ask him on a date, seriously? Fuck that noise. If he’s so immature that he’d freak out because you went after what you wanted, then whatever — you have your answer, namely that he’s not worth it. But I’d just ask him out if that’s what you want to do. As my dad used to say, the worst thing that could happen is he says yes.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships health and beauty
