The Vine: April 17, 2003
Dear Sars,
I had two cats. Callie, 11, Anya 1. Sweeties, but they never really
caught onto the getting-along thing. They had their areas and stayed
out of reach, and after a few months, I had no cat fights.
Recently I had my brother (who has one cat, Freddie, 2) watch my babies
while I’m out of town. When I get back, I find that Anya has had this
lovely old time getting along with his cat, and Callie was confined to
the kitchen by the other two. Wondering if Anya is better off with
Freddie, my brother and I go into this month-long trial to see if it’s a
fluke. My brother’s wife, who hates cats, fell in love with Anya.
Anya lost weight and runs around with Freddie like they were
littermates separated and reunited. They clean each other, sleep
together, and are generally cute.
Callie, who came home with me, has become a bigger pain every day. She
whines, cries, and generally makes a nuisance of herself. She tries to
demand being fed even when she has food, and she makes a huge fuss when
I cuddle with my boyfriend instead of her. It’s frustrating. When Anya
was around, she was generally well behaved, she cuddled, but when I
wasn’t cuddling her it wasn’t a big deal. Now she’s desperate for
attention.
My boyfriend, who lives with me, isn’t a fan of cats and is glad to be
down to one; he likes them both, but two were driving him insane. But I
think Callie is making him even more insane alone. We both work full-
time jobs in retail, so our hours are wacky. Although she is never
alone for longer than eight hours total (which is rare), she always acts
like it’s been days. I am convinced she is lonely, but I don’t think I
can convince my boyfriend another cat is the answer. And Anya is too happy and
healthy for me to remove her from my brother’s. Suggestions?
Thanks!
Cat Crazed
Dear Crazed,
If you can’t sell the “Callie needs another cat to keep her company” idea to your boyfriend, you’ll have to make a more concerted effort to spend time with Callie — not just cuddles in passing or sitting in the same room together, but coming home and setting aside half an hour or an hour to pay attention to her. Play with her toys; give her catnip; put her in your lap and pet her without distractions for awhile.
Part of the idea here is to tire her out so that she has less energy to pester you, but part of it is to devote enough of your full attention to her that she feels secure. If that doesn’t work, bring her to the vet and explain the problem; see if your vet has any ideas about behavioral training or kitty Prozac.
Another cat in the house is probably a better solution — Hobey doesn’t like Little Joe, really, but he’s a happier feline generally since Joe came to live with us — but if your boyfriend won’t go for that, try showering Callie with even more love and see if that calms her down at all.
Dear Sars —
I’m 28. My little sister, Claire, just turned 15. She’s smart and cute and
occasionally a total brat. My brother, Tyler, is 16, and he’s hilarious,
bossy, and not as stinky as the average teenage boy. They live with my mom
and my stepdad, who let them get away with murder. I think it’s called
“Parenting Through Complete Denial.”
My husband and I live in the same town as they do, and make efforts to hang
out with my family at least once every couple of weeks. Claire and I chat
online and on the phone about once a week, and I’m pretty well informed
about what’s going on in her life. She tells me about what’s going on with
Tyler, but he’s better at keeping secrets than she is, so even she doesn’t
know everything he’s up to.
Okay, so here’s the problem. My sister lost her virginity to her ex-boyfriend
a few months ago; my brother is smoking pot and probably drinking, too. On
the one hand, I know that these are normal teenage behaviors, because I did
all that and more when I was their age. On the other hand, they’re just
babies, for God’s sake! They shouldn’t be doing all that stuff!
My mom is very critical and hard to please. My stepdad is hardly ever at
home (he hides from my mom in his job and hobbies), and when he is, he
criticizes them, too. They’ve always been tough on Claire and Tyler, so of
course they’re both desperate for approval from their peers. This leads to
typical teenage behavior: my sister’s much-too-intense relationship with her
boyfriend, and my brother’s increasingly careless recreational drug use. I
vividly remember acting the same way when I was in high school. I don’t
expect to stop them from growing up — I know that they have to go through
this phase and make their own mistakes. I just want to help them be aware of
what they’re doing, and to consider the consequences.
I’ve talked to both of them about things I did when I was a teenager, and
how that behavior escalated as I grew older. I haven’t left anything out,
including such low points as my post-college drinking problem and abortion.
I’ve tried to be completely honest with them about my behavior and the
consequences I had to face. I love them so much, and it breaks my heart to
think of them, especially my sister, going through the things I went
through. I just want to spare them some degree of that pain.
Because of my parents’ utter refusal to see any problem with their kids,
there’s no use in talking to them about the situation. My mom gets very
defensive whenever she feels she’s being criticized. She just makes light of
my concerns, and if I press her, she lashes out at me.
What I want to know is: Should I be doing more for my siblings? Their
behavior, while not beneficial to them, isn’t what I’d consider “out of
control.” But if I wait until they’re out of control to do anything about
it, aren’t I just as bad as my parents? And how will I live with myself if
something really bad happens to one of them? I really feel like I should be
doing something else, but there’s a fine line between “helping” and
“meddling.”
Please advise.
Walking the line in NC
Dear Line,
If you do any more than you already have, you’ll cross that line into “meddling.” Your sibs know that you care, that you have experience with fucking around and making mistakes, and that you don’t judge them. That’s pretty much what they need to know; interfere any further and they might see it as lecturing and tune it out.
Unless it’s a matter of one or both of them getting into narcotics or failing out of school, which doesn’t sound like the case here, your best bet is to make sure they know that they can turn to you for help if they get into situations they don’t feel they can handle, or want advice on something, or just need to vent. Reassure them that they don’t need to do anything to get your approval. Leave it at that. As you say, certain things they have to learn on their own.
Sars:
My best friend recently experienced some emotional
problems which led him to drop out of an Ivy League
law school. His solution was to travel the world. All
concerned thought this was a good idea. He could clear
his head and find out what’s important to him.
I see him off in late January. Don’t hear anything for
more than a month. I just assume that he is busy and
not close to any internet café. I also know that he
was meeting up with his sister in one country and know
that if anything had happened, I would have heard. So
I get an email last week. Best friend is now engaged
to a girl he has known for a month, and they plan to
marry in September and live in her (very poor) home country.
Needless to say, my jaw hit the keyboard.
Now, if I ever trusted anyone’s judgment — and thought if
anyone could make a short-engagement, cultural-difference marriage work — it would be this guy. But
throw in his recent emotional distress and I think it
is just one major issue too many. So I respond to the
email with congrats (not wanting to scare or piss him
off) and ask him to call me ASAP. I then call his
parents to make sure I am not the only one who has
concerns. They agree with me, and have had many heated
discussions with my friend since he announced his
intentions. His response is:
1. He knows what he is doing and knows this culture
(which he does, since he lived there one year and
studied it as an undergrad), and he is not being
scammed.
2. He is in love and we have to trust him.
3. Local culture does not really understand long
U.S.-style engagements.
4. It is not a rebound and he is emotionally sound.
5. He is 27 and cannot be talked out of this.
So his parents are hoping he comes to his senses and
plan on visiting him soon. They don’t want to burn
bridges and figure that they will support him despite
their reservations. I have yet to get my friend on the
phone. How can I not kill his excitement and not hurt
him, yet still try to talk some sense into him?
Conflicted Best Man
Dear Conflicted,
You can’t. He’s an adult. It’s his decision; it’s his life.
If you really feel strongly that he’s making a gigantic mistake, you might try gently pointing out that it’s quite sudden for such a big change — getting married, moving to another country — but he’s got answers ready for those questions already, and again, it’s his gigantic mistake to make. Congratulate him and wish him luck and happiness. He’s not putting himself in the way of immediate physical or legal harm by going ahead with it, and if that’s the case, the only thing that “trying to talk some sense into him” will accomplish is to push him away.
Dear Sars,
After enduring four years of private high school hell, where I made good grades and very few friends, I finally got to college this fall and was delighted to find that, in fact, not everybody here is overprivileged and spoiled. There are lots of people here who will not ignore me just because I don’t think lip gloss is important and I’d rather pursue real interests with a few friends than join self-congratulatory, bureaucratic clubs whose sole purpose is to look pretty on a résumé. In short, there are lots of people here who I’m actually interested in being friends with. Everything seems good, right? But in the past few months, I realized something slightly disturbing about myself.
I have a lot of trouble being a friend when there’s nothing that needs doing or fixing. You got a problem? Lean on me. Cry on my shoulder. Ask me for advice. You got something you need help getting done? I’ll pitch in. I’ll organize. I’m damn good at stuff like that. But you want to go to the beach and hang out? Ummm, sorry, can’t. I’ve got readings and papers to catch up on, say I. This is not because I actually have a sudden pressing need to do schoolwork, of course. It’s because when I’m with a group and the only reason we’re together is to enjoy each other’s company, I don’t know what to do with myself.
If it falls under the category of Helping Somebody I Care About, I can do just about anything. I will make an ass of myself if it’s for someone else’s benefit, but I can’t loosen up on my own. I like to think things out beforehand. I’m pretty good one-on-one; I’m less good with groups. I’m good with letters but I stumble over my words when speaking aloud. My comebacks are always too late. I’m always at the edges of groups, never in the center. I tend to hang back. And I’m not really sure why.
This is true of me in all contexts, but what makes it even worse is that my favorite group of friends is my college’s improv comedy troupe. (I do administrative and technical stuff for them. But it’s fun. We’re a small group, and we work together much more closely than it sounds.) While I’m funny like Daria, they’re funny like Mr. Show; needless to say, slow comebacks are not among their problems.
It’s not that I don’t like my friends, or that they don’t like me back. Au contraire. Around my normal friends I’m the funny, sarcastic friend. Around my lightning-quick funny friends I’m the quiet friend, but when I speak they listen. They like me and respect me and they get my jokes.
I consider myself to be a pretty together and interesting person when there’s something definite I’m trying to accomplish at the same time. Even if my goal is something fun like “make cookies with people” or “design a funny flyer,” I can hold a semi-distracted conversation that isn’t half bad. But when it comes time just to bust it up, I freeze. The conversational skills that served me so well when I was trading wisecracks during class desert me when I’m sitting in a diner or standing around at a party with nothing to do but eat and talk. Am I the kid who’s forgotten how to play?
Naturally, this means that when people have an afternoon to kill, I am not the first person they call. I plan as many activities with purposes as I can, but college life doesn’t lend itself to scheduled fun. And my inability to plan a lot of things isn’t the problem anyway. My inability to just chill and be spontaneous is the problem. The fact that this makes me uncomfortable and lonely even among people who like me is the problem. So am I a neurotic freak? Am I no fun? Is there something specific I should be doing differently?
I know that this is a more general question than you normally answer. I don’t know if you play that. But you kick so much ass, Sars, and I’d love any insight you have to offer. Thanks so much for dealing with other people’s shit even though you don’t have to.
Impulsiveness-Impaired
Dear I2,
It’s shyness or social phobia, I think, and I also think that the genesis of it is in your opening paragraph. You just expect people to dismiss or ignore you; you think that you don’t have anything worthwhile to say, or that every word out of your mouth has to meet a gold standard of wit, and it’s paralyzing you.
I would see a counselor on-campus to talk about your social anxiety, but in the meantime, don’t judge yourself so stringently. Many, many people feel nervous or “off” in purely social situations, and it doesn’t make them — or you — dorks, or crazy, or whatever. It’s just hard for them.
More than a few of your funny friends feel the same way you do. The funny helps them cope; it’s just a different way of managing the anxiety. It’s not true of everyone who’s funny, and it’s not always a conscious thing, but it’s also not like the comedy troupe is on a secret to comfortable socializing. My point here is that it’s rare to come across people who genuinely don’t give a shit what people think of them, and that each one of the rest of us handles giving a shit differently. You don’t talk much. So what? It’s not like your friends threw their hands up all “she’s so slow with the callbacks, fuck this,” so try to relax and accept your nature a little more.
Sars —
I have a question that is Vine-suited, but I figure you’ve probably answered it before, but basically I’m just wondering when it’s, or even if it’s ever, okay to try to steal another girl’s boyfriend. The couple in question have only been together a matter of weeks and it’s not serious (I don’t think), but if you could direct me to a Vine that has already addressed this question, that would be great.
Maureen
Dear Maureen,
From where I sit, it’s always okay to try to steal another girl’s boyfriend. I mean, if you don’t care whether the girl in question winds up hating you, or that it might not work and you’ll look like a jackass, or that it does work and you land yourself a guy who would allow himself to get stolen so easily — hey, go for it.
Oh, wait. I actually meant to ask if you think you live in Port Charles, because…the hell? It’s not a matter of “okay.” It’s a matter of “stupid,” of which your letter is the dictionary definition.
Get your own boyfriend. God.
Tags: boys (and girls) cats friendships the fam
