I know you’re not a guidance counselor but I’m looking for some life advice. My life seems to have always been guided by someone else’s decisions or no decision at all. From high school, I went to the college of my parents’ choice (including my major), from college to grad school (you know — the place you go when you don’t know what to do with your life). In grad school, I moved in with my boyfriend and years later got married. We divorced after several years, and I met someone a few months later who lives out of the country. In order to make both of our lives easier, I moved about 1500 miles away from my friends and family to a new place on my own that is the closest U.S. “port of entry” city to his home. All the while, he committed to the two of us living in the same zip code within 3-6 months. Fifteen months later, I am finally getting it through my thick skull that things between us aren’t going to work out. He just isn’t willing to commit. (That’s not why I write, though.) The good news there is that for the first time in my life, I spent some time alone. Not the most fun, but necessary.

My question for you is this: I’m a well-educated person in a field that is in demand practically anywhere I want to go. How do I figure out where I want to go?? It seems like a stupidly simple question, but it’s not. While living in this new city, I’ve had some terrible experiences. It’s a place that, to tourists, looks beautiful and fun but to people who live here is a cold place — very transient. Nobody seems to care much — something you wouldn’t learn without living here for a while. I want to leave here and start over, but I’m terrified that I’m going to make the same mistake again and move to a place or take a job that I hate and then have to start over yet AGAIN. I also don’t want to go “running home to mommy and daddy” just because it’s comfortable and safe. I’m in my mid-thirties and feel like I’ve had enough “do-overs” to last me for a while, so how do I find a place to call home without spending my life (and limited vacation time) on a plane visiting places? I’ve never had to make a life decision that involved only ME and I don’t know where to start. How do I learn how to make these decisions on my own now? (See! Now I’m asking YOU!)

Thanks for your help and thanks for such a great website,
Always taking others’ advice

I’m hoping you can offer me some of your sage advice. I’ve been dating a boy, “Tom,” for about seven months now. Said boy and I get along famously; he’s made it clear he likes me, and I really dig him. For the most part, things are fine, but the issue arises around the fact that he has a four-year-old son with another woman. The kid is great…I love being around him, and Tom is a great father. Tom and “Ann,” were never married and they broke up about a year after the kid was born. From what he’s told me, she sounds selfish and somewhat unstable, with a temper. I realize there are two sides to every story, but she continues to do things like switching Tom’s visiting nights with the kid at the last minute and not being flexible if Tom needs a favor. She’s always “busy” but expects Tom to be available at all times.

I realize that Tom and this woman have an unbreakable bond of having a child, and usually I’m try not to be insecure. But it seems like when she says, “Jump,” he says, “How high?” and sometimes I wonder if he still has feelings for her. I asked him point-blank if he was still in love with her, and he said no, he thinks of her “like a sister.” But his actions aren’t really in line with that. He seems very over-involved in her life. Like, the other night, she was upset, and he got VERY worried. He said he was worried because the kid was with her, but it seemed like more than that. He talks to her at least once a day, sometimes more, but says it’s to discuss things about the kid. I try not to let it bother me and keep thinking that this has nothing to do with me and let it go, but it gets difficult. Sometimes I want to tell him to just grow some balls and tell her off, but he’s afraid that she’ll retaliate by refusing to let him see his kid. (Since they were never married, he has very few rights.)

So, my question is, should I be concerned about this behavior? Does it seem like he has feelings for her, or is he just trying to protect his relationship with his kid?

Tired of dealing with exes in Texas