The Vine: April 21, 2006
Dear Sars,
Again, a story about a boy.
About five months ago I started dating a great guy. We got along
fantastically and were both excited to be spending time together and
growing a new relationship. Fast forward two months and he and his ex
girlfriend have decided to enter into therapy in order to “figure
out a way to not be so angry with each other.” (The back story on
this is they had an nine-year relationship that ended ten months ago,
after three years of things going steadily downhill ending in some
painful lies and a two year affair on her part.)
I, perhaps understandably, am feeling nervous about dating a man who
is in therapy with his ex-girlfriend, but decide to give it a try
after he insists that he is not interested in getting back together
with her. Well. I tried, but it brought out the worst in me: I was
constantly feeling insecure and having trouble trusting his
intentions. It didn’t help that their contact had jumped from once a
week to almost daily, they’d drive to therapy together and hang out
afterwards and they were still having screaming fights with each
other which would leave him quite drained.
So after two months of this (with no end to therapy in sight) we break
up — I tell him I cant do it anymore, I assure him that I have very
strong feelings for him but that I just can’t handle the current
situation, and invite him to call me if him and his ex finish therapy,
and…he is FURIOUS with me. He maintains that him being in
therapy was not a problem — and that I should have just been able to
“get over it.” He insists that I am a very insecure person and just
overreacting and sabotaging a good relationship with him.
I really like him a lot and wish I could “just get over it” because
I like him that much but…I can’t quite see how to do that. I’m
not sure it is even possible.
My question — am I just crazy? Or would other people have trouble
dating someone who is in intense couples therapy with their ex and
has no plans for quitting anytime soon?
Signed,
Just needing a reality check
Dear Check,
There is no reason for him to go to therapy with his ex, for any reason, unless they have a child together. None. If the relationship ended — as it should have, under the circumstances — then it needs to stay ended and he needs to act accordingly and move on.
But he’s not ready; he’s still trying to keep a hand in with this woman when, really, there’s no purpose in doing so. And not only is he basically going back for more from a woman who treated him like crap, and with whom he is not well suited, but he’s also fundamentally insensitive to your feelings and to the idea that, hello, going to couples therapy with a woman with whom you are no longer in a couple is fucked up.
This guy is a basket case at best; he’s years away from being a suitable partner for anyone else. You did the smart thing by getting away; please, stay away.
Dear Sars,
This is kind of a boy problem, but I think it’s actually
more of a me problem. I had been seeing this guy for about a
year, and at first, it was amazing. Big-time love. But after
the first six months or so, things got pretty rocky. Like,
we actually broke up for a couple months and saw other
people before we started to come back together. But, we
decided to give it another go, and things were going
smoothly, until that wonderful national disaster Katrina
hit.
We evacuated together, and he ended up coming to live with
me and my parents for a couple months. We were both
residents of New Orleans for years, and it was heartbreaking
for both of us, but at the time, I felt that the
relationship was strong, and if it could survive this
particular crisis, it could survive anything.
Cut to the beginning of November: Boy has moved to a bland
Texan city, and I am supposed to follow a few weeks later.
We’d been talking about buying a house together and applied
for a disaster loan together. He’s gone, I’m super-depressed, and feeling that he isn’t supporting me
emotionally, needs me to take care of him constantly,
doesn’t really care about my career goals, and basically,
having a huge crisis about how quickly this relationship is
moving (I should also mention that I’m in my very early
twenties and he’s in his mid-thirties). So I decided to
break it off around the end of November, and have since made
plans to live abroad for several months beginning this
spring.
And now we come to the crux of my problem: I’m beginning to
have doubts about breaking up with him. We still talk a lot,
and when I saw him recently on a trip back home, it felt
really good to hang out with him again. It hasn’t always
been easy between us, but overall it was good, usually
great. I love him a lot, and I know he loves me, but I don’t
think I’m ready to settle down. Sometimes I think that I’ve
made a huge mistake with this one, and that I’m going to
regret breaking up with him for all time, or something
similarly melodramatic.
Am I just scared of going abroad,
and clinging to something familiar? Am I just nostalgic for
my life in New Orleans in general? I know it’s been several
months since Katrina, but I still feel rather broken up
about it. I don’t know why I’m having all these doubts, and
I feel like I need some perspective. Sorry this is so long;
it sort of all came tumbling out. Thanks!
I can’t think of anything witty
Dear Wit,
The crux of your problem is in these two phrases: “We still talk a lot” and “when I saw him recently.” I know you still care for the guy, and I know it’s hard to let go of someone when the time comes, but the term is not “protracted, confusing, mixed-messages-up.” The term is “break-up,” and when you break things off with someone, you have to break them off. Not forever, necessarily, but for a good while — three months is the minimum, I think.
And the reason you need to do this is so that you can get some perspective on the decision, see how life feels without him, look at certain emotional issues without adding any more confusing or irrelevant data — and let yourself heal. Break-ups suck, and rearranging the emotional furniture to fill the space left by a person that meant a great deal to you and was a part of your daily life is very difficult, but in order for the break-up to “take,” it has to be done.
All this by way of saying that, yes, I think a lack of perspective is your problem, but I don’t think you’ll really be able to tell if this decision was a good one until you actually make the decision all the way and stop having contact with him — which you should do, starting now. There’s a lot of other shit happening here too: the age difference between you, which does not have to be a big problem generally but, in this case, seems to be a thing where you’re at two different points in your lives that don’t mesh; the fact that you’re both living these displaced-persons lives and trying to grieve that; the general upheaval that comes with evacuating and moving. I don’t think it’s a great time, given all of that, for you to try to hold together a relationship that’s not working.
But honestly, you’re not going to be able to tell one way or the other until you give yourself some space from the guy. Go abroad, don’t contact him or respond to contact from him for three months — or four, or six, or whatever you need to get some distance and look at things clearly. You can’t assess the end of a relationship unless you actually end it. I know it’s hard, but it is, believe it or not, better than the alternative. Put him behind you for a while.
Hi Sars,
An etiquette question (“etiquestion”?).
I was with a gathering of girlfriends recently, one of whom has become
recently affianced. As we were oohing over the ring, one of the group piped
up with, “How many carats is it? … Or is that rude to ask?” There was a
silence for a couple of moments before the bride-to-be answered, “Um, about
1.5.”
To me, the silence lends weight to my feeling that yes, it is rude to ask.
Asking sort of suggests that the answer matters in some way, if you know
what I mean. The asker wasn’t in the market for her own rock, so it wasn’t
about educating herself. It was purely out of interest, which I think is
kind of like asking someone how much they earn just because you’re curious.
I know it’s hardly a life-shattering question but, in these liberal days, is
it still considered rude to ask questions about carats (or salaries, for
that matter)?
Sincerely,
Possible Prematurely Old Fogey
Dear Fogey,
People tend to have differing opinions on this; I for one was raised that it is rude to ask about things like that, but 1) I don’t particularly care if people ask me stuff like that, and 2) in New York City, you kind of get a bye vis-a-vis asking how much people pay in rent.
But, as usual, it comes down to context. I mean, I know how many carats my future sister-in-law is rocking, but…she’s family. A friend wouldn’t necessarily volunteer that info, and I wouldn’t ask unless she brought it up, or unless we were talking about rings generally and comparing cuts, or whatever. If you’re not sure whether it’s appropriate to ask, be on the safe side and don’t, is probably the rule of thumb there.
It’s not something I think people should get too uptight about when they’re on the receiving end, either, if it’s really just making conversation, because who cares — if you don’t want to quote the real figure, just ballpark it, or lie, we’re just talking here. But if it’s obviously going to be one of those dick-measuring “I went Beemer-shopping last Sunday” conversations…sure, be ambitious and get nice things if you can, more power to you, but if it obviously means a lot to you that you have them and I don’t? That’s kind of rude, and kind of sad (for you), and we’ll be changing the subject.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships
