The Vine: April 22, 2003
Dear Sars,
Here’s kind of a twist on the classic love triangle story…
A year ago, I’ve met a wonderful man. He’s bitingly clever, possibly the funniest person I’ve ever met, and he entertains me greatly. We get all of each other’s jokes, down to the most obscure pop culture references. We like the same things, we watch the same shows, we often finish each other’s sentences. There is definite chemistry there.
But it’s not a romantic or sexual chemistry. I love him, please pardon the cliché, like a brother. There is light-hearted flirting, but it would never lead to anything more, and that’s well understood on both sides.
The third side, though, is a problem. My husband, at first very understanding about the budding friendship, is starting to worry. He’s asked me point-blank if I was being unfaithful. I explained it to him like I explained it to you, and he says he understands, but deep down I know he still suspects I’m cheating.
I fully understand where he’s coming from. If the situation was reversed, he’d have some explaining to do. I feel like the right thing to do would be to cut contact with my friend, but I really don’t want to do that. I love both men almost equally, in very different ways, and I don’t want to have to choose between friend and soulmate.
I have been careful about when and how we hang out. We’re always chaperoned, we never really go anywhere alone, and he doesn’t come over when my husband is absent. I’m doing all I can to prove that the friendship is strictly platonic. How can I make my husband see there’s nothing to worry about? How much protesting is too much?
(alleged) faithless hussy
Dear Hussy,
I love the word “hussy.” But enough about me.
You can’t really “make” your husband “see” anything — there isn’t anything to see in the first place. You can’t prove a negative. Your husband can choose to trust you and believe what you told him, or he can choose not to, but you yourself can only do so much to affect that choice.
And with that said, you do protest a little too much. You go to some lengths to make sure the whole thing looks innocent, and it’s probably out of a perfectly genuine solicitousness towards your husband’s feelings rather than from any buried romantic feelings for your guy friend. But a suspicious mind might interpret those lengths as suggesting some guilt. In other words, if he’s really just a friend, why do you feel compelled to keep restating that fact?
If it’s not a big deal, don’t turn it into one every time you want to hang out with the guy; it’s just aggravating the situation.
Dear Sars,
I just heard about your website tonight and I thought that it would be
a good idea to ask for some objective advice.
I am totally crazy about this guy. We began emailing one another in
January, and it was evident that we were both interested in each other.
Everything was amicable, but every time we would make plans, he would
cancel due to his busy work schedule, or so he said. (Side note: he is an
instructor where I go to school. I am a professional in my late twenties,
so it isn’t one of those sick situations.)
To make a long story short, we ended up making out heavily in his
office after hours a couple of times. I definitely thought that
things were going to transpire between us, but he ended up canceling
again. I finally confronted him, and he said that he was very interested
in me, and had been debating whether to see me, but he had just
gotten over a serious relationship and didn’t want to get involved
right now, and that he needed time to think. I expressed my interest in
being friends, and he seemed totally cool with that.
We continued to see
each other at school, and would talk lightheartedly like we always had. I
continued also to email jokes, lighthearted stuff, et cetera. But he never
responded, even though he acted normal in person. I did email some
letters that expressed my feelings (I know, big mistake), but not until a
long time later.
Now when I see him at school, he won’t even make
eye contact with me, or even say hi. I have emailed approximately eight
times in three months (pathetic — I know better), four funny ones, and four
semi-serious ones. In the last two, I have asked him why he dislikes me,
or won’t even talk to me as friends. It’s like he hates me. I just wish
he would say “fuck off, I never want to talk to you again,” or kindly say
“please do not contact me anymore, as I am not interested in even being
friends.” I am sooo confused!! What the hell happened to just being
friends??
Pathetically confused
Dear P.C.,
What I suspect happened is that you didn’t act like a friend. You acted like a woman who had a romantic interest in him, and then he pulled back, because it made him uncomfortable.
A lot of people don’t tell themselves the truth about “just friends” when it comes right down to it. They think they mean “just friends” when they actually mean “keeping a hand in” or “hanging around all moony until he/she changes his mind.” I’ve lied to myself that same way, more than once. We all have. But if you go into the friendship like that — not admitting to yourself what you want out of it, not respecting the boundaries of “just friends,” emailing with confessions of your feelings and refusing to take the hint when he doesn’t respond and trying to take the relationship somewhere he already said he doesn’t want it to go — he’s not going to want anything to do with it. Or you.
Again, it’s a mistake we’ve all made at one point or another, but it’s also not one you can correct at this point. Stop emailing him. Stop trying to get him to make eye contact. It’s over. Back off completely, for good, and move on.
Dear Sars,
The situation on which I’d appreciate your sage advice boils down to the
following…
My boyfriend and I have been together for just under a year. Prior to our
relationship, he lived with his ex-girlfriend for a decade or so and acted
as a father to her child. She kicked him out about a year before we starting
dating. At the beginning of our relationship, he used to visit her and her
son fairly regularly, which I was cool with, as I figured it showed some
maturity, responsibility, et cetera. After all, he is the only father figure her son
has ever known. I also presumed he probably would’ve mentioned that he’d
started seeing someone.
Six months after he and I got together, she asked him to go back to her. He
refused, for a whole range of reasons, including me. However, it transpired
he had not told her he was seeing someone, and didn’t take this opportunity
to do so either. He didn’t consider his love life to be “any of her
business,” and she also reportedly has a filthy temper. He then received a
barrage of emails and phone calls, alternately begging him to come back and calling
him every nasty name under the sun.
I gently suggested a couple of times that after she’d put herself on the
line and asked him back, after ten years together, the fact he was seeing
someone was something he should tell her. I also thought it would be better
coming from him rather than a well-meaning friend, or us bumping into her on
the street. I felt it would give a more “tangible” reason for him not
wanting to go back to her, which might prompt her to move on. He said he
didn’t think it was a good idea, mainly because of the aforementioned
temper.
At that stage, I let it drop, as I figured it wasn’t my fight, he knew the
best way to deal with her “quirks,” and anyway, at 30, he’s old enough
to look after his own problems.
The emails and calls then slowed down to a trickle, but the issue flared
again a couple of months ago when he picked me up at the airport.
She was going to be there at the same time (the reason he knew was that he
actually had to move back into their house for financial reasons, as he
bought her out and she took her sweet time in moving out — that was a fun
two months, as my flatmates vetoed having an extra body stay in our smallish
place long-term). I was pretty angry that time, told him he needed to grow a
pair, and suggested again he needed to tell her so she could (a) perhaps get
over him and (b) he wouldn’t feel the compulsion to push me behind a
letterbox should we ever run into her in public.
Cut to the present — he still hasn’t told her he’s seeing someone, she is
living over on the other side of town, everything is pretty rosy between us,
except that the emails and calls have started up again. He’s not responding
to her, but he feels like he shouldn’t block her emails because he still
wants to see her child occasionally. He doesn’t vent to me too much about
this, because it only upsets both of us, and when he does, I answer with a
very noncommittal “that’s not good” and change the subject. If I’m being
honest, I guess I’m also pissed off that it feels as though he’ll bend over
backwards not to incur her wrath, but he will always call me on my bullshit.
On reading this over, there are some other pertinent facts. He and I have a
really good, happy, harmonious relationship, except for this. It also sounds
like he could still be sleeping with her. I’m certain that’s not the case,
because he’s a decent human being. That aside, he is so exhausted from
working all the hours God sends in his current job, I don’t think he has the
energy for any “extra-curricular” activity.
After all that, I have two questions. (1) How do I deal with the situation
better? (2) Do you have any suggestions for advice I could give him on how
to handle her, because I’m all out of ideas?
Kind regards,
Ex marks the sore spot
Dear Sore,
It wouldn’t have occurred to me that he hadn’t stopped sleeping with the ex until you pointed it out. Just something to think about.
Anyway, on to your actual question(s). How you deal with the situation depends on what you want out of it — what you really want out of it. You can tell yourself that it’s about helping him deal with a volatile ex, but that’s not exactly the truth, I don’t think. It’s about getting him to accord you some damn respect already by disclosing your existence to his ex, which he has elected thus far not to do, and as a result, you feel like you don’t rate as high as she did, or might still, in his life. And I don’t blame you, because it’s shitty of him.
I don’t know exactly what he’s up to here. I suspect that he gets a charge out of having two women fight over him, even if he’s not aware of it and even if that’s not exactly what’s happening. I also suspect that he’s kind of a pantywaist. Well, enough already. Tell him exactly what you’ve told me, if you haven’t already — all of it. Tell him that you can sympathize with the position he’s in, but that his refusal to admit to your relationship with him doesn’t just make it impossible for his ex to make an informed decision and leave him alone once and for all. It also makes you feel like crap, because you feel like he’s ashamed of you, or that it’s too much trouble, or that on some level he’s more into letting his ex think he’s still available than in respecting your feelings.
Then tell him that he’d better fess up or the two of you will have a serious problem, and let him think that over. While he’s thinking, do some thinking yourself — about why he won’t just tell her already, about what that says about him and his commitment to his relationship with you, about whether you want to embroil yourself any further in the past of a man who has a relatively small pair of balls.
It’s tempting for me to tell you just to drop it and stay out of it — and as far as the second portion of your question goes, don’t get involved, at all. It’s his problem, and he needs to deal with it. But that’s just it. I don’t think he’s so great at dealing with any of it in the first place, and you both need to figure out what that means.
Hi there,
So, I have been best friends with this girl for a year and a half. (I’m a girl as well…and we’re both at college together.) A year to the day we met, she came onto me in a drunken state, and I, having had feelings for her for a while, eagerly reciprocated. This started a somewhat confusing five-month sexual relationship, a “friends with benefits” deal. She claims that she’s straight, and always was, but just enjoyed the sex on a very physical level. Meanwhile, I fell in love with her, even though I treasure our friendship.
Right about the same time I was falling in love with her, about two weeks ago, she decided that she wanted to end the physical aspect of our friendship, with no warning. I mean, on Sunday I had to pry her off of me, and by Thursday, she didn’t even want to touch me. Then, over the past few days, she’s been pulling away from me. We went from spending 20 hours a day together (we’re not roommates, but would always share a room at night) for the past year and a half, to her wanting to spend as little time with me as possible. Then she gets angry with me when I get angry or hurt as a result of her actions.
I’m having a tough time dealing with a few aspects of this: Why did she want to end it so quickly? Is she really straight? Why is she pulling away from me as a friend? And finally, what can I do to get over her? I feel so strongly about her, and would do anything to keep things the way they were! Please help answer my questions, I really value your advice!
Thanks,
Smitten in Rochester
Dear Rochester,
In order: Because she’s freaking out, and kind of immature; even she doesn’t know the answer to that question, thus the freak-out; see your previous question; cut off contact with her.
I don’t know enough about how the pulling-away unfolded to say for sure, but here’s what I think happened. I think your friend is gay. I think that she maybe didn’t want to deal with that full-on when you guys first made your Friends With Benefits arrangement, so she sold herself the “physical level” story so she wouldn’t have to deal with the greater implications. Then, recently, she started to develop feelings for you too, and that made the greater implications harder to avoid, so she bailed.
I may have that completely wrong. Maybe she had a het attack, or she just wanted out, and she dealt with it really insensitively. In fact, no matter what’s going on, she dealt with it really insensitively, but I have a feeling she’s wigging about her sexuality and just really can’t cope with you right now, so…I know I said before that I thought the freak-out came from deeper feelings she has for you, but unfortunately, I don’t think you should take that as a sign of hope, and here’s why. She’s not dealing. She’s not behaving in a way that respects your friendship, even, much less a sexual relationship of long standing. And if she’s not dealing for the reasons I think she’s not dealing, I really don’t think you want to stick your hand in that. Not that you have to cut her off completely; if she’s trying to come out to herself, and you want to support her, you should, but you need to set some boundaries for yourself and stay within them, because if that’s what’s going on, yeah, she needs her friends, but it’s going to get worse and more freak-out-y before it gets better, and you will get burned like a chicken-fried steak before it’s over if you don’t watch out.
It’s worth repeating that I’m not gay, and therefore I probably shouldn’t shoot my mouth off about the coming-out process. But I have seen your exact situation go down from a safe distance several times, and whatever her reasons for freaking out, you should get a safe distance away yourself. I know it hurts, and I know you want things back the way they were, but that isn’t going to happen.
Sars,
I’m in need of some advice. The “oh, that sucks for you dude” response to
my problem that I keep getting from my so-called friends isn’t helping me
out any.
My problem in a nutshell: I’ve just started having sex with “Guy,” and he
happens to be one of those silent-during-sex people. And when I say “silent,”
I mean exactly that. No moaning, no panting, no “oh yes!” — not even heavy
breathing. (I’m sorry, but the occasional “oh shit” before he comes so
doesn’t count.) None of this is really a huge problem in itself, but it is
when his silence totally creeps me out. It’s not like I expect him to be
Tarzan and shout down the plaster on my ceiling, but a little bit of verbal
responsiveness on his part would be nice. Hell, I’d settle for a heavy
sigh.
It isn’t just the silence either, but the fact that Guy is basically totally
non-responsive during sex. Aside from his erection, I wouldn’t know the guy
was even excited. He gives absolutely no verbal confirmation of it. Nor
does he give any change in facial expression either. It’s just plain
creepy. If I were to have sex with a blow-up doll (do they even make a male
version?), I’d imagine it would be just like having sex with Guy. Although I
have to say, hearing the air compress and decompress in the doll would be more
of a response than I can muster from my current partner.
I’m left with the conclusion that either Guy’s just really not that sexually
attracted to me, thus his lack of response, or this is just his normal,
typical behavior during sex. I’m sure there’s about a hundred different
things that could all be factors in why he sexually behaves the way he does,
but I just really don’t care to find out what they are. I’m 26; I really
don’t need Sexual-Project Ken Doll at this point in my life. Yet at the
same time, I’d feel like a real asshole if I were to ditch Guy just because
this ONE thing about him bothers me. The sex itself is good, but it would be
so much better if he would just moan or give me the “oh” face every once in
awhile. Let a girl know she’s doing it for you, dude!
I’ve told Guy, in the nicest possible way, that his
silence/non-responsiveness really unnerves me. He swears up and down that it
has nothing to do with me and that he’ll work on it. He also says that part
of his “problem” is that he’s just not a very responsive person in general.
I can understand what he’s saying…to a certain degree.
But basically I’m just left wondering if we’re just sexually incompatible?
Or is it that I’m sexually inadequate for him? Because I’m starting to feel
like it must be me if I can’t even work the guy up enough to get him to
breathe heavily.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks,
Sexually Encountered of the Silent Kind
Dear Silent,
Yes, I think the two of you are sexually incompatible. Not that there’s anything wrong with keeping it on the extreme down-low during sex, I guess, if your partner doesn’t mind, but here’s the thing — you find it unnerving, you’ve told him so, and nothing has changed.
If you had a relationship of any length, I’d suggest counseling for the two of you, maybe, but you only just started sleeping with him and it’s already not working for you. So, don’t sleep with him anymore.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships sex
