The Vine: April 23, 2003
Dear Sars:
About a year ago, I began experiencing several episodes of what I’ll call existential depression (that’s my fancy term for it, anyway). Bypassing the rather uninteresting details of these episodes, the upshot is that I realized that being an agnostic was no longer sufficient for me, so I embarked on this quest to get in touch with God, spirituality, a higher power…call it what you will.
My initial forays into the world of religious study were not confined to the dogmatic tenets of a specific discipline. I was prepared to wander toward whatever seemed to speak the truth to me, no matter how seemingly strange. Quite surprisingly, my studies lead me to a new appreciation and embrace of Christianity. I didn’t have a momentous conversion experience, and my inherently skeptical nature is still very much intact. But still, in my own uniquely nondramatic way, I have decided that I am a Christian. But, go figure, there’s a dilemma I must reconcile.
For reasons that are way too boring and complex to discuss in this venue, and despite the fact that in some ways even I think it is seemingly antithetical to my own disposition, I’ve chosen to express my new Christian faith by being received into the Catholic Church. In more liberal areas of the country, people might react to such a decision with indifference. I happen to live in an old school Calvinist Protestant area, and my in-laws largely typify the more conservative elements of said Calvinism. I’m not sure how to convey the uncomfortable reality of this situation to someone who has never lived in a such a community, so I guess I won’t try to come up with a witty analogy. Suffice it to say that mother- and father-in-law will think I’ve totally lost my mind.
I am confident in my decision and will not be bothered by what they think or say. But I do love them dearly, and I want to be as respectful as possible. So my question basically lies in wondering how I might inform them of my decision without taking, in so many words, a “fuck you, deal with it!” stance. Can you summon your powers of linguistic nuance to help a brutha out?
Most sincerely,
Alter Boy
Dear Alter,
You might try rehearsing a brief announcement along the lines of, “I’ve decided to join the Catholic Church. It might seem weird or hard to understand, but I’ve got my reasons, and I hope you’ll support me — and if you have any questions, please ask me.” You don’t have to make a big hairy deal about it; just share what’s going on with them, and emphasize that it’s a decision you’re happy about, so you hope they can be too.
But before you share, decide for yourself how far into it you want to get with them. You’ll probably get a nonplussed “oh…okay, then,” but you could also get a horrified “you WHAT, NOW?!” So, think beforehand about how fully you want to explain yourself and how far you want to argue it before reverting to “I’m sorry you feel that way” mode and removing yourself from the conversation.
You might also consider letting your wife work the clay a little bit for you first, if she feels comfortable doing that; it could go less awkwardly that way.
Hi Sars,
I have a small crisis of conscience that I just can’t
seem to resolve. I’m turning to you for an opinion,
because I thoroughly enjoy the other advice you’ve
dished out on The Vine. I’ll keep it as short as I
can, since the real thing spans years.
Long ago I met a guy. We began a relationship. A year
or so passed, and our relationship had ups and downs —
as all relationships do.
He received a great job opportunity out of the area.
We discussed it, and he moved. We did the
long-distance relationship thing for awhile.
Eventually I broke it off.
Then I met (okay, “hooked up with” would be more
accurate) Guy Number Two. GuyTwo also lived out of
the area, which was fine by me. For fun, I planned a
vacation to visit GuyTwo on my way back from a
business trip.
A month or so before the vacation, I had dinner with
FirstGuy. We hadn’t spoken since the break-up, and
decided to get re-acquainted. He had heard rumors of
GuyTwo, or at least of someone in his location. FirstGuy and I started talking and seeing each other
regularly, but agreed that we were NOT “back
together.”
Vacation time arrived. Rather than tell FirstGuy
about my vacation with GuyTwo (or even the fact that I
would be vacationing in his city), I changed my story
and lied about the vacation city.
GuyTwo didn’t work out, FirstGuy and I became even
closer.
Fast forward to now. FirstGuy and I have lived
together for a few years, and plan to get married one
of these days. We agreed when we “officially” got
back together that there would be NO full disclosure
of events during the time we spent apart.
Here, at long last, is my problem. The Vacation (it
has come to warrant a capital “V”) has been mentioned
in passing during conversations with family and
friends. Each time, my guy assumes the incorrect
city. This might not be such an issue, except that
the business trip/false Vacation city was in one
country, and the hookup/real Vacation city is in
another. My guy likes to brag about how I vacationed
overseas — and he’s got the country wrong.
Some of my family and friends know the truth, and know
that my guy has it wrong. But nobody can be
objective about the issue.
Do I set him straight, risk stirring up the past, and
let him know I’ve been keeping the lie alive? Or do I
keep my mouth shut and hope it fades away permanently,
and that nobody takes it upon themselves to set him
straight?
Other tidbits that might help with advice, and that
you can include or exclude at your discretion:
He’s 15 years older than me, and was raised in a
strict religious environment. I am the second woman
he’s had sex with. (Number one? His wife, on their
wedding night. Yeah, really. That was a fun
conversation.) I’m not setting any records, but I’ve
had much more experience than he has.
Also, his
attitude about sex is much different than mine.
He views it as incredibly intimate, personal
experience. I believe that it CAN be, but jeez —
lighten up. I don’t think every sexual experience has
to mean something. Sometimes it’s just for fun, or
because he’s cute, or because you’re drunk.
Because I love him, respect him, and don’t want anyone
else, he’s my only sexual partner. But I haven’t
loved everyone I’ve slept with. I mention this so you
know how he might take the news that I spent a week
boffing some guy in a vacation house — some guy I
spoke to once after returning from vacation.
Thanks again.
Lies, lies, lies, yeah. (They’re gonna get you!)
Dear Lies,
I have a feeling that this is one of those responses the readership is going to come down on me for like a ton of bricks, but…that’s the job, so: Tell him the truth.
I think the “no disclosure of what happened”/”WE WERE ON A BREAK!” strategy is, generally, a good one. It’s not like knowing what went on during these lacunae has ever made anyone a happier person. But in your case, it’s not that he should know what went on just for the sake of knowing; it’s that he thinks he does know what went on (or didn’t), and he’s got bad information.
I could make a number of arguments against telling him, too — it’s not a fun conversation; you’ve let it go so long already; you think he’s kind of judgmental about your past experiences — but given that it’s fairly far in the past, and that it’s better he hear it from you than have someone who does know the deal let it slip, I think you’d better tell him now and get it over with.
Sars —
All hail to thee, Guru of Grammar. Which of the following is correct:
“…infrastructure of a NGN”
“…infrastructure of an NGN”
(NGN has been defined previously.)
Love and fishcakes,
Strunk-Challenged
Dear Strunk,
The second one. You base your choice of article in these cases on how it would read aloud, and since “NGN” is actually “En Gee En,” “an” is appropriate.
Click here for a fuller explanation.
Dear Sars, creator of the holy missive “Sincerely
Your’s” —
I work as an administrative assistant to the dean at a
university. In that role, I write most of her
correspondence, including official assessments/letters
of recommendation for each of our graduating students,
which are entered into the students’ permanent records
(yes, such files do exist!). Occasionally, I’ll slip
into a more vernacular style (especially if I’ve
recently been on instant messenger or writing email),
and use phrasing that is more appropriate to
conversation than professional writing. I usually
catch myself when proofreading, but the dean’s red pen
is always ready when I slip. My most frequent mistake
is using split infinitives.
Split infinitives are bad. Everyone knows that. But I
learned from an English teacher long ago that the real
reason split infinitives are not considered
appropriate was that some language purist decided that
since a split infinitive COULD NOT be formed in Latin,
it SHOULD NOT be formed in English. (He also taught me
that starlings were introduced to America by a
Shakespeare purist, which I’ve read elsewhere and do
believe.) So, “to boldly go” is right out, and I’m
scared to listen to “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly” again for fear
that I’ll want to edit it.
Have you heard this history about split infinitives
before? Is this a true error, as heinous as making the
wrong choice when confronted by the “its”/”it’s”
conundrum? Obviously, I have to do as I’m told
professionally, but I’d love to learn the truth and to
accurately write.
Indubitably yours,
Grue
Dear Grue,
I don’t know if the story about the language purist is true, but it is true that Latin infinitives consist of a single word (i.e. scribere = “to write”). Whether that’s the logic behind prohibiting the splitting of them is anyone’s guess, but over the last ten or twenty years, even grammar fascists have come to view the split infinitive as a relatively minor usage sin, and most of us don’t count it as a sin at all.
In formal writing, of course, you try to avoid splitting an infinitive if you can, but if you have to hijack the whole flow of the sentence to keep the verb phrase together? Bah. Not worth it, and not preferred. If you need to get an adverb in there to modify the verb, a lot of times it just works better within the verb phrase. Sure, “to go boldly” is more correct. But it doesn’t mean the same thing, quite, in the end. (With that said, I would correct “to accurately write,” but more because it’s a hyper-corrected construction than because of the split infinitive. “Accurately” works better following “write.”)
Garner agrees with me; in the end, it’s just not a big deal. He cites other grammarians who agree with him that fussing over split infinitives is a waste of time, unless the construction sounds convoluted to your inner ear — something like “it is inappropriate to at this time discuss the blah blah blah,” for example. Otherwise, meh. If your boss wants to waste her time pretzelling sentences around in the service of obeying an outdated principle, let her, but you don’t have to bother with it.
Hi, Sars.
I have a problem — not a life or death problem, not a love or leave
problem, not a shit or get off the pot problem. It’s probably going to
silly, but my problem is that I have a guinea pig and I live in a small
town.
Originally, I had two guinea pigs. I bought them from a reputable pet store
and made sure to ask about special needs before I committed. The only thing
the pet store people told me was to make sure the piggies had clean water,
not to use cedar chips as bedding, not to use wire cages, and to put a
cup of pellet food in their cage each day. I was told specifically that
guinea pigs are “low-maintenance pets.” While I wasn’t looking for an “easy”
pet — I have both the time and the resources necessary to care for
basically anything other than an elephant — guinea pigs being
low-maintenance was a bonus. I went home with two cute little fuzzballs, a
piggie-safe cage with piggie-safe bedding, and a bag of food.
The trouble began when one of my guinea pigs abruptly died the day I was set
to make a 1500-mile trip. I spent the morning before my bus left frantically
trying to keep a suddenly sick guinea pig from dying — I tried to make him
take liquids, which only bubbled out his nose, and I tried to keep him warm.
It sounds melodramatic, but it was a horrible experience — I was attached
to this little rodent, and he was dying in what was obviously a lot of pain.
After he died, I began looking up information about the care and feeding of
guinea pigs so that I’d know what to do if the other piggie got sick, since
I’d called three vets early that morning and been told three times that
there are almost no practicing vets who know how to diagnose or care for
guinea pigs.
I found a lot of information relating to the care of guinea pigs —
information I HADN’T been given. I found symptoms of guinea pig diseases, and
I found home remedies that could both prevent these diseases and treat the
mildest forms of them. Unfortunately, I found nothing on what to do for a
very sick piggie, and most sites I found stated that vets usually don’t know
what to do for guinea pigs. I’ve been doing everything I possibly can for my
remaining piggie — I stopped using woodchips in favor of newspaper
(woodchips catch germs), I started giving him a cup of veggies a day, I
added supplemental vitamin C to his diet, I buy him specially formulated food. He was
underweight — the pet store had told me to give the piggies about a quarter the
amount of food they actually need to survive — but he’s thriving now.
My problem is this: I’m worried that my piggie will get sick or injure
himself, and I won’t be able to do anything for him. Do you, or any of your
zillion readers, know of a site — a hotline — a national organization —
anything that has information on what to do at home for an ailing
guinea pig? Maybe a list of guinea pig medicines and what symptoms they
treat? Any information at all would be greatly appreciated.
Sorry to take up so much time and space on so silly a problem, Sars. I’m
really not a guinea pig-obsessed nut, just a concerned “mommy.”
Sincerely,
Seriously Attached To A Rodent
Dear Rodent,
I have very little experience with guinea pigs myself, but Peter Gurney’s site looks like a good place to start until the readers have a chance to weigh in.
Tags: boys (and girls) cats etiquette grammar sex the fam
