The Vine: April 26, 2007
Okay, here’s my problem. I’m 31, single, I don’t want to be, and I’m wondering if I’m being too picky. Typical, huh? Maybe not so much. This might actually be a case where the guy I’m looking for doesn’t exist. I don’t think my standards are necessarily too high, but maybe too particular, but I don’t see any way I could compromise and still end up happy.
I don’t care what the guy does for a living, but I do care why. If you’re a garbage man because you enjoy it and think it’s important, I’m fine with that. If you’re a garbage man because you gave up on education and it was the best job you could get and you’re just waiting until you win the lottery and you can quit, then no thanks. Conversely, if you’re a doctor or a lawyer and the only thing you like about it is the money, then we probably won’t mesh.
I can find a wide range of physical types attractive, if the guy has confidence and a genuine smile. It’s also okay if he doesn’t share all my interests, because I admit karaoke, bowling, scrapbooking, and reading old science fiction aren’t everyone’s cuppa, and I already have people I can share those passions with.
The first place where I get hung up are the areas of politics and religion. See, I’m a politically conservative atheist, and those two things don’t normally occur in the same person. I’ve been to atheist meetings before, and I’m not exaggerating when I say the entire membership was focused on bashing Republicans. (I happen to be a Libertarian but I agree with Reaganite Republicans on a lot of issues). I totally understand why there’s Republican-bashing in the atheist community, but I’m not an atheist because I hate religious people or religion in general, I’m an atheist because believing in supernatural entities makes no logical sense to me. And I’m not politically conservative because I oppose a woman’s right to choose or gay marriage (which I don’t) but because I think a capitalist economy offers the best chance for a prosperous and happy society and the less governmental interference with it, the better off we’ll all be.
On the more personal level, and I guess the more trivial level, the last four dates I’ve had were pleasant enough and seemed promising, but then the follow-up was repugnant. Maybe there are women out there who would find it cute and charming to get a text message saying, “Our date was great, ur hot, let’s make out” but I’m not one of them. I guess a lot of guys think “she’s not religious” means “she’s easy” but I don’t really need the fear of going to hell to prevent me from sleeping with someone I’ve just met. I’m not insisting on flowers and candlelight, but a little courting before getting physical doesn’t seem too much to ask, you know?
I’m also battling with the facts that I’m plump (not obese) and although I’m working on getting in better shape I’ll never have an athletic body because working out isn’t something I enjoy for its own sake, and I live with my widower father partly because I don’t make much money but mainly because we get along really well. He’s also got some minor health problems that are improving, but in the meantime it’s a big help for him to have someone to do the chores, and I also think a big help for him to just have someone to talk to. But potential dates
can kind of be put off by my living situation.
So, oh wise Sars, is there hope for me, or should I resign myself to being single?
Better Off Alone Than With The Wrong Guy
Dear Better,
You’ve provided a fairly detailed accounting of all the factors you think a guy might find off-putting — your politics are somewhat unusual for a woman our age, you don’t have mainstream hobbies, you’re not at a “target” weight, you live with your dad, blah dee blah. But I don’t think any of this is the problem. I think the problem is that you’re kind of rigid and kind of defensive, and that men pick up on that and don’t want to explore you further.
The paragraph about a guy choosing to become a garbageman is one example. You don’t really allow for the possibility that a guy would become a garbageman because it’s good money and he has a family to support, or that he didn’t necessarily have a “choice” regarding higher education because even finishing high school is an unaffordable luxury for some people. I’m not saying you have to pity-date the sanitation workers; I’m saying other motivations didn’t occur to you.
The comments about the post-date texting are another example. I wouldn’t get with those dudes either, but…some dudes are just like that. I realize this sounds counterintuitive, but you can’t take it personally; you just write them off and move on to the next thing.
“I’m a little plump but I’m not exercising so don’t suggest it here’s why” is pretty much what the problem boils down to, in my view — it’s great that you have unique, strong opinions, but I don’t think you agree, at core. You’re a bit defensive about them, and on top of that, while you’re insistent that guys accept you for what you are, you’re not open to guys who might be different from your ideal, or who might not meet a few of your requirements. And hey, I had requirements too: no shorter guys, no fellow writers, nobody who thinks baseball is boring. My current boyfriend is a five-foot-eight movie critic who could only pick Derek Jeter out of a lineup if the rest of the lineup were girls.
…Okay, I’m exaggerating about that last bit; he’s learning about baseball, and anyway, he has a lot of qualities I didn’t know I was looking for until I was in the act of appreciating them firsthand. But to the larger point, I wasn’t waiting for him to come along; I wasn’t waiting for him to disappoint me, or to be disappointed in me; I wasn’t waiting for anything except my hair to grow out.
You’re ending things before they even start, in your head. You don’t have to give the “let’s make out” guys another chance, but you do have to let people be who they’re going to be, and let them surprise you or teach you something in a positive way. And “people” includes yourself.
Tags: boys (and girls)
