The Vine: May 4, 2004
Hey, Sars.
This problem is very high school, which annoys the fuck out of me as I’ve long since left that hell behind, but here goes.I have a very close guy friend — let’s say, “Mark.”I love talking to Mark, as he’s funny and has great stories, but there’s a problem.Mark has a huge crush on me, and isn’t exactly subtle about it, while I — of course — see him as just a friend.
That, in and of itself, would be no reason to bother you.So, of course, the other factor — Mark’s best friend, Cory.Cory and I think so much alike it’s sick, and while we like being together and flirt intensely we both have gone on record as being averse to the idea of having an intimate relationship.
Mark, however, has been acting very possessive lately: physically attacking Cory when he touches me in any way — even a handshake, verbally abusing the both of us for mock-fighting, and attempting to prevent either of us from contacting each other by stealing our cell phones.
Really, I’ve never had a problem like this before.I’m not much for the guy department — not lesbian, but not really all that big on relationships.So, I have no idea what I should do to make Mark understand that the possessive bullshit is wearing thin, and he’s treading the line of being cut out of my life.I’ve tried explaining to him why what he’s doing is so stupid, I’ve tried to get advice from mutual friends, and I’ve tried making sure that I see the two of them separately.Nothing is working, and I’m starting to worry that Mark’s going to do something well and truly unforgivable if I can’t make him understand.So, I come to you, oh wise and mighty Sars, in search of an answer.
Sincerely,
The Inexperienced Chick
Dear Chick,
“Mark, the possessive bullshit is wearing thin, and you’re treading the line of being cut out of my life.I’m starting to worry that you’re going to do something well and truly unforgivable if I can’t make you understand, so — understand.Stop it.I’m not asking; I’m telling you.”
If it keeps up, call the bluff and tell him you’re done.
Dear Sars,
It occurs to me that you might know the answer this rather trivial question.Which is correct — “racking my brain” or “wracking my brain”?A quick Google search turns up references to both spellings and it really bothers me that I don’t know which one to use!
Mind Boggled
Dear Bog,
“Racking.”The etymology has to do with the medieval torture device, believe it or not.Also, I think I’ve been using the wrong one for twenty years now.Oops.
Dear Sars,
Three months ago I moved to China to teach English, leaving behind my boyfriend, my friends, and my cat.Although the culture shock has been a bitch, I’m learning Chinese, Wu Shu, and how to make dumplings, so I wouldn’t give up this experience for the world.
However, I’m really having problems adjusting to a long-distance relationship.I’m fine during the day, but at night, I find myself near tears.I miss my boyfriend so much it hurts.He’s not much of an email person, so I only get an email from him once every two weeks or so.Plus, I haven’t been getting all of my mail, so I’m not getting the doses of snail mail on a regular basis either.With the cost of international calls and the time difference, we only talk about once a week.
I’m just wondering if you have any advice on how to deal with a long-distance relationship.Is there a way to keep the flame alive, as it were?Is there an easier way of dealing with all of this?Should I just quit hoping that I’ll have something to go back to and live my life here as though I’m single?(Not as a license to find someone new, but more to stop talking about my boyfriend back home.)
The earliest I’d be going home is six months, possibly nine months.I haven’t made a choice yet, and he’s being very supportive of any decision I make, even telling me that if I want to go to Japan it might be easier to just fly straight there and spend my year there instead of going home.Which means an extra year of longing for someone far away.
Thanks for your time in reading this,
Sleepless in Jiangsu
Dear Sleepless,
The key, in my experience, is to accept that it is what it is — and by that I mean don’t waste a lot of time mooning around all “I wish he were here” and “this bed is so big with just me in it.”It’s fine to do that at first, but again, it is what it is; you’re in China, he’s not, and concentrating on the ache isn’t going to change the facts.It’s only going to make you feel achy.So, try to put him out of your mind most of the time.Don’t pretend he doesn’t exist at all; just acknowledge that he’s not there and that thinking about him is sad, and try not to do it, or to stop doing it if you start.
That’s the key generally.The key specifically for you, I think, is that you kind of feel like he doesn’t miss you as much, and because of the communication gap that’s unique to this situation, you should tell him, “Look, I know you don’t love email, but it’s really the only way we can stay in touch consistently while I’m here, and I need you to make more of an effort in that area.”It’s email, not a care package containing livestock; it’s not a lot to ask.Ask for it.Tell him you feel isolated from him and it would mean a lot to you if he could step up there.
Hello Sars,
I have neither a broken heart nor a troublesome cat, but I don’t really know where to go with this question, and you’ve done some excellent work untangling the tricky issues of the service sector before, so here goes.
In general, I’m a big tipper in restaurants.My default for good (not great) service is something just shy of 20 percent.That’s partly because I think waiting tables is a really tough job that pays shit, and anybody who does it well deserves a few extra bucks.However, it’s also largely because I am very cantankerous and nitpicky about good and bad customer service, and I use tipping as positive reinforcement.I came to your restaurant and you brought my drinks promptly, answered my questions about the menu helpfully, smiled and thanked me when you brought the check?Here’s a 20 percent tip, keep up the good work.
When I encounter poor service, I like to use the tip in a similar capacity: to send a message.I’m not talking about extremely, glaringly, over-the-top bad — for that, I’d probably just speak to the manager.I’m talking your garden-variety not so great: screwed up the drink order, appetizers were cold by the time we got them, surly attitude, et cetera.In these situations, I tend to scale down my tip quite a bit.However, I’m pretty sure that these waitpersons aren’t noticing the 10 percent tip and saying, “Oh my!A smaller than standard tip!I must make an effort to improve my customer service!”Instead, they’re writing me off as a cheap-ass and cussing me out under their breath.Same goes for stiffing them altogether — they may very well think I just forgot, or don’t believe in tipping.
Is there some way to indicate to restaurant personnel that I’m deliberately cheaping out on the tip — against my nature — because I thought the service was substandard, not just because I’m a cheap bastard?My husband has suggested tipping a penny, which does send the message, but seems a bit extreme if they didn’t spit in the food.Writing a note or explaining it to the server directly also seems a little snotty, but I’m willing to do it if that’s the best/only way.Is there a universally acknowledged percentage that is code for “Your service was not abysmal, but sub-par; please clean up your act”?
Thanks,
Probably Overthinking This
Dear Probably,
I used to work for tips in food service, but pizza delivery is different, in that I think a lot of the shittier tippers just assumed I made a per-hour, but then when they rounded up to the nearest dollar, it was like, well, you obviously thought you should tip — so what’s with the thirty cents, then?Because I got it here in ten minutes and smiled and everything even though your kid bit my ankle, and you smiled back and seemed satisfied with the service — the hell?
All this by way of saying that it’s hard to tell whether the message that the tip is ostensibly designed to transmit is going to get through, because for every customer who’s using a crap tip to punish crap service, you’ve got another who’s a cheapskate, another who’s bad at math, and another who just doesn’t know how tipping works.
So, what to do?It depends.The server doesn’t control what’s going on behind the bar or in the kitchen, and unless he/she seems super-clueless or overly casual about the status of my order, I won’t lower the tip for that (and if it comes out cold or otherwise imperfect, it’s going back to the kitchen until it’s done right, but that’s me).You can tell new staff, and it’s sort of annoying but I try to give them a break.But if he/she’s rude, or just not paying attention, that gets the tip shaved — and then I just don’t go back there, because it’s New York City and I think I can find another Italian restaurant where they’ll bring the check in under AN HOUR, ROSSINI’S ON THIRTY-SEVENTH STREET.I mean, really.
It might help if you think of it in a “you get what you pay for” way.If it were an up-front transaction, you’d expect to pay more for better service, right?Same principle.
Sars,
What is your opinion of the changing usage of the word “hopefully”?Is it permissible to use it to mean “it is to be hoped,” as well as “in a hopeful manner”?
Thanks.
Essentials of Grammar
Dear Ess,
“Hopefully” is a word I try to avoid using to mean “I hope”; I make an effort to say “I hope I’ll see you soon” instead of “hopefully I’ll see you soon.”Do I mark off if other people say “hopefully I’ll see you soon”?No.I don’t really care.For the record, though, “hopefully I’ll see you soon” is no longer considered incorrect.
According to Garner, it’s a “skunked term” — one you should avoid because you sort of can’t win no matter how you use it, because if you say “hopefully I’ll see you soon,” the hard-liners will roll their eyes, and if you say “I hope I’ll see you soon,” the language-is-free-like-a-butterfly people will roll their eyes.I don’t think it’s that dire, really, so just use whatever you’re comfortable with.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships grammar
